FOR JERUSALEM!!!!!!

Isran: what?

Y/n: oh..... FOR THE EMPIRE!!!!!!

Dawnguard: YEAHHhHhHhhHh!!!!!!

Y/n: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!!!

Dawnguard: SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: RAAAHHHHH!!!!

Volkihar: what the fuuuuck

They bash through the door slaughtering the vampires and gargoyles in there wake, thundering through the halls with there magical weapon's and armoured trolls.

Y/n and Serana enter the main room seeing Harkon in her mommy vampire form.

Y/n: lord and saviour thank you for this eye candy.....

Serana: what!?

Y/n: I mean BACK OFF BITCH!!!!!!

Harkon: my dear daughter.... And my future hubby~ I give you both one last chance, join me.... Hand the bow over.

Y/n: nuh uh

Serana: sorry mum....

Harkon: then I must depart from two important people in my way.... I am sorry darling....

Serana: it's alright mum.

Harkon: I was talking to Y/n

Serana: ....

Y/n: *coughs on drink* damn....

Serana: FUCK YOU MUM!

Y/n: oh......

After a long fight of back and forth cussing and punching Y/n had enough.

Y/n: Silence wench, I do not wish to be horny anymore... I only wish to be happy.

Harkon: darling?

Faster then any eye could see even a vampires, Harkons head was separated from her curvaceous body.

Serana: GAWD DAMN

Y/n: it is done.

Isran: sweet

Y/n: *high pitch scream*

Isran: you are both welcome to return as the menace never stops but you both deserve a break.

Isran smiles for the first time and walks away.

Y/n: he should smile more

Serana: looked a bit forced... can he even smile?

Y/n: I dunno

—————

It's been a few days and you rescued Valerica and she is now staying in your house in Whiterun, she always seems to be wearing nothing but an apron but Serana always slaps you if you stare too much.

Y/n: alrighty!

Serana: what next

Y/n: I gotta tell the jarl I slayed the dragon which I did a month ago.

Serana: oh.

————-
Jarl Balgruuf: where in the shit were you!?

Y/n: saved the world of vampires.

Jarl balgruuf: noice, dap me up homie.

They dap up causing a clap that would put Miraaks shouts to shame.

Serana: who's miraak?

Y/n: I dunno

After the reward and getting a housecarl named Lydia which she ain't that bad but she ain't very bright. She is now living in your Whiterun house along with Serena's second mother, Molag Bals a weird bitch.

—————

You decide to not do any missions and take a break, Serana is chilling at your house and you decide to explore alone.

Y/n: finally some alone time...

I explore the area and I find an amulet on the ground, I pick it up and I hear a voice, oh no it's a mommy.

Mara: hello darling~ it's been awhile~

Y/n: o-oh Mara it's been a long time *thinking* I need to drop the amulet... right now

Mara: awwww~ we just talked in along time~ don't drop it~

Y/n: *thinking* I'M GETTING GROOMED!!!!!

Mara: don't worry mommy will help you~

Y/n: keep your horny ass away from me, Dibella would make sense if she acted like this but you!

Mara: don't keep me waiting though~

Y/n pockets the amulet, and walks to another location feeling shaken up from being groomed by a goddess but a small part of him is not complaining.

Y/n: the only mommy for me is Azura.

He continues walking and finds a cave, he goes down the cave, the cave slowly shifts from natural to man-made as he realises that, it was one of his tombs, when he was the vestige eventually there was a sanctified order that only the highest rank of society would know of his existence, so they built tombs and temples to his honor.

Y/n: oh look it's me and Molag Bal fighting.

He looks at the carved image with nostalgia and he continues walking and he hears a voice.

Voice: the one who walks through the veil and life and death has returned bring in the relic.

As Y/n walks further through he sees a way shrine that was still lit, he was shocked to his core as the wayshrines slowly lost there magic overtime so he no longer could travel instantaneously, but he saw one that was lit which means he was here before.

The wayshrines blue flame glows as a sword came out made from the flame and the energy of Aetherius, Y/n grabs the sword, it feels natural to him as he remembers that this is one of the weapons he used to defeat Dagoth Ur.

Y/n: what is this doing here? I thought I destroyed everything of my past....

Y/n sees the wayshrines flame die out as it too loses its magic.

Y/n: seems this weapon was the only thing keeping it operational.

Y/n left the cave as it held no more significance and he continued forward until it got dark so he decided to make a camp.

—————

Y/n: shit, good thing I hold firewood on me the whole time, crossed with destruction magic creates the perfect fire.

*rustle*

Y/n: what the fuck?

*snap*

Y/n:

Sanguine: fine....

Y/n: oh.... MY DRINKING BUDDY!

Sanguine: MY HUBBY~~!!!!!

Y/n: FU-

*skyrim to be continued noises*