Y/n Pov -

Everything hurt. I woke up with pain flaring throughout my body, my muscles ached and I felt paralysed, it was terrifying to me. To feel trapped. 

A rush of memories poured through me all at once, Oomen's knife, Kaz. Kaz had come back and saved me. I paid more attention to my surroundings; there was a wooden ceiling with wood that looked rotted, and Inej and Nina. "Inej."

"You're awake?" Her eyes started to swell and she rushed to tap Nina up and she stirred, "Nina! Saints, Nina, she's up!" I tried to sit up, tried to move my arms and wrap them around my two friends but pain shot through me and I was brought back down, "Stay down." Nina ordered, her voice was soft, unlike mine. My throat was dry as sand and my pitch showed it. "Is everyone okay?" 

"Don't worry about us. You're the one who got stabbed."

"I don't care, tell me." I croaked, "I'm fine, Wylan and Inej needed a little bit of healing which I did. Matthias and Jesper are okay, a bit shaken up, Jesper especially. He's worried about you, most of us are." 

"And Kaz? I blacked out before we were back, is Kaz okay?" 

"I don't think Kaz is ever 'okay', but he... he needs to know you're awake." I wanted to see Kaz, I really did.  But I wasn't ready and knowing he was breathing was all I wanted to know. I thought he was my friend and I wanted to return to him, more than anything while I was asleep, almost on death's door apparently, and he saw me as just an investment. It enraged me that after all we've been through, all I've done for him, I was seen this way, as a weapon. It hurt even more when I think about how he painted me this way to the public too, I was told it was to incite fear and keep people away from me. I let out a small laugh which hurt like hell, look where I am now, on a fucking cot half-dead. Great job, Kaz.

I grabbed onto Nina's arm, barely able to catch onto the cloth of her sleeve, "Wait, just leave it for tonight. Please." It immediately dawned on me that it  could be anytime in the goddamn day, "Wait, is it night?" Inej and Nina let out small laughs, "Yes, it's just gone midnight actually." 

"Do we know who came after us?"

"Black tips and Razorgulls sent by Pekka Rollins, to keep us from getting out of fifth harbour." I felt a small bit of strength return, it was extinguished immediately. Staying awake was hard as it is.

"How did he know where we were leaving from?" Big Bolliger was dead, there was no other informant. It was a closely guarded secret. If someone had released that information... it hurt me even more to know that one of my friends may be a traitor. "We aren't sure yet." 

"I saw Oomen-"

"Oomen's dead, Kaz killed him." Nina interrupted, "He did?"

"Kaz killed a lot of people." My heart broke slightly, so much death and for what? Money. It seemed unneccessary. "He seemed afraid for you." I laughed, "Kaz isn't afraid of anything." Except touch, but I wouldn't allow that to be revealed. "You should have seen his face when he brought you in here." Inej spoke, she seemed bewildered at the thought. 

"I'm a very valuable investment, except without the valuable." Inej clenched her jaw and Nina's dropped, "Tell me he didn't say that."

"Of course he did."

"Idiot." she went to the table beside me and got something I couldn't really see, "Eat." I tried but I couldn't, it hurt, it hurt a lot. "Please try." I shook my head and she stopped prying. "I just want to rest for now." 

"Of course." She went to turn down the lantern and motioned for Inej to leave but I stopped them, "Rest, not sleep. And, please stay. I don't want to be alone." I felt pathetic, Kaz would call me pathetic. I just felt fragile, but I felt safer with them by my side. "Okay, since you want to talk, you hate being called a Phoenix due to your legend, and still you let Kaz craft you into that legend, why?" Inej looked wary but I told her it was okay, "I didn't let him, I tried to stop him at every corner but he said it was for my safety and I think Phoenix is unoriginal and I hate it. If I was created by a Phoenix god, I think naming me something with it's name in is just uncreative."

"What would you prefer?"

"I don't know, I've always thought my own fucking name worked fine." They both laughed and I felt a strength that couldn't be extinguished, these were my friends and they brought me strength. I adored it. "What about Ember?" Inej asked, my initial response would be to say 'why have a nickname at all?' but I refrained because I liked it. Embers are the remnants of a fire, they resist and live on for a time once the fire is burnt out. I didn't have to say anything before they agreed that was to by my new nickname.

The rest of the night was fun, Nina sang, Inej joined in at some point to learn the chorus and I watched them. I couldn't join in because my voice hurt despite the water I was brought and drank at intervals. I enjoyed spending some time with my friends before we fly into the shit storm that is Fjerda. "I wish we had waffles right now." I stated, they both laughed and it was like music to my ears. "Agreed, it'll make up for everything we have to endure." Inej replied, "I know right, these men are horrible company." Nina joked and I smiled, I refused to laugh again because of the pain. 

~

That morning I was carefully lifted up against a post so I could sit and actually eat something. The food was bitter but I ate worse while I was with my mother. Sometimes we'd eat the rats, and if we were lucky enough some stale bread or rotten fruit. Then I became Heleen's Phoenix and I suppose the only decent things about that time was meeting Inej and Kesh and then the food. I wasn't able to eat much so I could be kept skinny and desirable but it was still good.

When Jesper walked in Inej and Nina were helping me get dressed and Inej had lost her patience with Nina's attempt to get my shoes on as I couldn't bend without falling flat on my face. It was humiliating to not be able to do such basic tasks. "(Y/n)! You're not dead!"

"Am I not? I must be very lucky." I smirked, "Has death taught you a sense of humour?"  Inej successfully got my shoes on and I stopped paying attention. "I owe you both."

"No you don't" Inej and Nina said in unison, "Are you sure? How about I actually pay for us three to have waffles." 

"As many as we want?" Nina asked, "Yeah, why not." She went to hug me then stopped, she proceeded to pat me on the head in thanks. "Can I come since I've been checking on you nightly?" Jesper asked, I didn't really mind since he was a friend and fun to be around but for fun I said "No." 

~

They all helped me up onto the deck and I became conscious of my lack of mask, "My mask? Where is it?" I didn't care about the fact that the beauty that once drew men to me was gone I thought of it as a courtesy and a way to spread fear. The mask, the power I had, those were my protection, not Kaz's phoenix tale. I don't want to be a monster to the people, maybe be a threat, but not a monster. Heleen was a monster, Pekka was a monster, they are now putting me in their box because of Kaz and I hate it.

"You don't need it. Besides it'd be better for your skin. You're allowed two laps around deck and then you rest." I was about to say I could do what I wanted and that I didn't need rest and then force flame into my eyes but I just did as I was told. After everything, I can't be bothered with inter-personal conflicts.

Inej and Jesper walked with me while Nina joined Wylan at the stern, I looked around the ship and noticed it was the furthest away from Matthias. "I have a feeling she didn't stay down there with me just out of worry." Inej was there too and could've alerted her so there was clearly more than just concern of my state. "He did try and kill her." Jesper stated, "He tried to kill me too and yet I couldn't care less."

"They also have their history." Oh, I was so bent up with my own problems I literally forgot about everything, shit. "I spaced, sorry." 

"It is okay, you can make mistakes considering you've been cooped up with these two for ages." Jesper retorts, "I don't know Jesper, maybe hanging out with Inej and Nina might do you some good. I do it plenty and I'm not in debt or a gambling addict." Inej laughed and Jesper's tan skin went slightly red. "I'd push you overboard but Kaz is watching." I looked around me to see Kaz at the wheel with Specht, he was in fact watching. "Whether Kaz is watching or not, you'd still fail." I didn't mean for it to come out like a threat but it did. "Maybe you need to spend less time with Kaz. You sound just like him." I didn't have time to answer and the flames I felt rising were quickly dowsed as someone clasped me on my shoulder and praised me. Some of the crew who had noticed me were chanting "The Phoenix has returned!" I felt as if I'd swallowed ash. Why can't people call me by my name? 

"I am told we have you to thank for being alive." Matthias stated, "Not just me."

"I helped." Jesper added, "All the same." He dismissed him,  "Thank you, (Y/n)." I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Matthias returned to his space far away from Nina. 

"It's nice to feel appreciated sometimes, isn't it?" Jesper asked, "Sure, it's nicer hearing my name though." My thoughts went to Kaz immediately, he's the reason most people know me as the Phoenix. He advertised it as a sign of strength, I hated him for it. I didn't hate him though. "Did he come and see me?"

"Everyday. After he left you though, he went sort of crazy."

"In what way?"

"In the tearing out eyeballs and being a massive dick way." It made sense I suppose, this is a seven person job and the more I was at death's door, the chances of success lowered. "He cares for you, you know. Don't forget it." Jesper assured me. "I used to think so." The first time Kaz laughed and smiled in front of me played in my mind so vivid it was like it was happening at that moment. I desired my mask as I felt a tear drop from my eye.

A/n - I'm sorry this took so long I was busy with college, Christmas, work and mental things and found absolutely no time to work and I am so sorry for that. I made sure this was heartfelt and beautiful. I hope you guys are prepared.