We took Isaac's car, the yellow Volkswagen, and all the road leading back to my hometown I wonder why we didn't take my brother's car. The three of us sitting in this car again felt so strange mostly because the last time we were in it was when we bring Isaac to the football game. I have this feeling that this event is now so far behind me that it almost feels like a dream. I saw my reflection in the retro visor and all I see is the destruction in my face until Isaac looks at me through the mirror and gave me a look that made me look away.

I wish they just had let me go back to the beach alone, I could have searched for my answer there and I could have been alone. I want to be alone, I am used to it now. It's the support system that I'm not used to, it's them being there all the time and following me and helping me that feels strange to me.

I put my forehead to the window, it's cold and it's calming me. I look at the small drop of water racing slowly on the glass since it has started raining a little bit ago. My breath making the window foggy like the forest soil outside of the road.

I hold my knee with my hand, it's inevitable.  We need to take this road to enter our small town there is no other way. And we need to pass the small cross on the road.

My heart breaks in my chest.

Normally I never look at it, still I know that today we are here to face old demons. Why not start with facing this undeniable spot on the road where everything stops for me. Where my life had breaks in million pieces and yet has this day I have yet to recover all the pieces.

''You don't have to look.'' Mick said in a low voice in the front of the car.

''I have to.''

Isaac didn't slow down when we pass the spot, but everything seems to have been in slow motion in my head. It was exactly if I was reliving the accident a second time, the smell of the burning gas and the noise of the car crashing. The girls screaming. My heart breaking again and again. I put my hand on the window trying somehow to connect with something, someone. Until I felt the hand of my brother on my knee squeezing me softly and bringing me back slowly to reality.

I let my body felt on the back of the seat, every part of me only felt heavier.

''You good there buddy?'' Isaac said looking in his mirror. His face looks worried when our eyes met, and he tries to smile at me.

''I will be good when you guys tell me where we are going. Also, since when you doing the responsible parent? This is Mick job, you better when you are funny Isaac.''

He focuses back on the road trying not to let is emotion show and I saw that I hurt him, because even if he is usually the funny one, Isaac might be the one who cares the most about everyone in the group even when he doesn't let it others see it. ''I'm sorry, shouldn't have said that.'' I said back to him.

''Well, you are not wrong, I'm better when I'm funny and you are better when you are drunk dead in a bar.''

''ISAAC!'' My brother said punching him on his shoulder, still shock that our friend dares to say something like that out loud.

''What, I only speak fact here.''

He looks back at me in the mirror and I see a small grin in his face, and I knew he did that on purposed to make Mick react exactly the way he did and me the way I did when I finally let myself laugh for a good minute. My brother looks at me like I was going mad more than I was already doing.

I haven't let myself laugh in a long time, haven't let myself have a moment of peace. A simple moment where a enjoy to simply live, not thinking about anything other than being here. I felt good even if somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I somehow felt also guilty to think like that.

''Thank you for this.'' I say to them both when I finally stop laughing and focus my attention back on the road. My brother seems relived that this crazy even was behind us when he looks back in front of him and push play on the radio. We were in a complete silence for five minutes, only listening to the music and letting Isaac drive us around my hometown when I notice that we had passed my parent's street a minute or two ago. ''Where are we going? We aren't going to the house?'' I said looking at my brother.

He didn't look back at me, only focusing his attention on the road ahead and trying to avoid me at all costs.

''I think you should tell him your plan now Mick, he deserves to know.'' Isaac said looking at my brother.

The tension in the car was palpable, my brother wasn't looking at any of us. He only looks at the road in front of him and Isaac was trying to drive and casually looking at Mick and sometimes he gave my sympathize look through the mirror. I sat there looking at the both of them, trying to figure out where they were taking me.

''What is going on!'' I said a little louder.

''Mick says something before it's too late please!'' Isaac said.

Nevermind I said to myself when the car turns, and I see the inscription on the iron fence. 

Cemetery

 It can't be possible, Mick wouldn't have brought me here after all these years when he knows I didn't even come to my friend's funeral. My hand was already on the door handle, I will run away from that place when they stop this car and go... I don't know where but away from here.

''Don't'' I hear Mick say when I open the door a little bit, his hand reaching for my coat and griping hard to hold me in the car. ''It's time and you know it, you need to face it Kyle.''

''What are we doing here Mick.'' I yell at him, pushing away his arm and opening the door allowing me to stand outside when Isaac finally stops the car.

''Since when do you have hallucination?''

''What are you talking about.''

''You know what I'm talking about Kyle.'' He said and I made a few steps back from him trying to figure out what he was talking about. Isaac stood by his side in silence, the situation looks painful for him too. ''Mom and dad always told me that your trauma was different, and we shouldn't push you to talk about your emotion and your experience with the accident, that your grief keeps you from accepting everything that occurs that night. Also, your cerebral commotion you had didn't help with your memories, so we never talk to you about anything.''

I took a deep breath feeling the stress coming.

One breath

Two breaths

''They told me that it wasn't your fault, and you would talk to us when you would be ready. But that day still hasn't come six years later, Kyle. You are detainees from those secret you keep from yourself in your head. You need to open your eyes and you need to face your demon. So, tell me Kyle since when did you have hallucinations? Since when you started hallucinating her?''

My breathing wasn't steady at all, I had difficulty to take real respiration when I look at them and realize what was going on.

This couldn't be happening.

This is not real...

Please let not be real and let me be asleep in the hospital or anywhere else, I don't care. I just don't want to be living this now.

''Kyle? You know that she is...''

Please let me be anywhere but here right now.

''DON'T SAY IT PLEASE'' I yell at him before falling on my knees on the muddy grass and water started coming out of my eyes. ''Please, don't say it out loud.'' My voice break has I felt the arm of Isaac closing around me.

He held me closer to him when I break completely. Image flashing in my eyes of the very last time I saw her at the hospital. When Mick was pushing me in front of her room, and I saw her parent crying in front of her bed holding her inert hand. What did the doctor told them? He said something important to them. He said... He said he was sorry that he couldn't do anything and that she would never wake up. That they could maintain her in that state during a period of time for the family to say their... their goodbye.

No.

This is not true, it can't be. I saw her, she is not.

''I saw her Mick, she is not.'' She is not dead. Please let her not be dead, I can't have let her die without saying goodbye.

I gap the mud with my hand on the ground, trying desperately to find information in my memories that could tell me that this wasn't the truth. Isaac was trying to maintain my when he figures out that I was losing control of myself and Mick join him when I started screaming.

''I can't... I CAN'T... NO PLEASE NO.'' Let her be alive somewhere, let her be at the beach.

Let her be dancing somewhere with all her heart, feeling like she has all the time in the world, let her be free and at peace even if I hurt her so many times, let her be happy. I want her to be alive somewhere where I can find her and finally say I am sorry.

I can't live with the fact that I lost all of them and I survived, why did I survive?

''Kyle you need to calm down, it's okay we are here with you man. We will be here all the way with you.'' My brother says running his hand through my hair now full of mud and wet from the rain. ''You will be fine, you will survive this, and Isaac, Eric and I will be there for you now. We won't let you down. Never.''

I didn't realize they had left me up and help me start walking through the cemetery, both supporting my body. I couldn't entirely understand all the events there was unfolding in front of me, all I could really comprehend was that every bit of memories from the last six years in my head seem to be all false.

I could I have created something that was completely false, how could I have told myself that she was alive if she wasn't. I felt sick and weak, Isaac mainly supporting my weight while we continue to walk until I saw why they had brought me here.

Standing a little a far of us in the back of this place was a single tomb surrounded by a small bench and a weeping saul tree. I was like the grave had her own place a part of the cemetery and even if I wasn't completely aware, I knew it looks magical. I knew it was hers, especially when I saw the white rose all over the grass. Her parent's always bring those to each performance she had over the years. I could feel my chest crushing from the pain at each of our step approaching it.

''You know what tip me off about you?'' My brother said, breaking the silence.

I look at him, confuse of what he was talking about.

''I came here a couple of weeks ago and I notice something he said.'' Looking back at the tomb on the grown, when both Isaac and I lay our eyes on the same things. ''I couldn't believe what I saw, because in six years you never spoke about anything related to any of this. But there was a single dahlia laying on the grown with a note that just say happy birthday. I call the flower shop that I saw in the back of the card, do you want me to tell you what he said?''

I didn't respond. I was looking at the dead flower on the muddy ground and was completely frozen to see it, I was shock of the one in the hospital room and still confuse of how it ended up there. Still, this one was bringing sadness around me, I couldn't believe it.

''He says that you call him a little more than five years ago and ask him to send flowers here twice a year. One the day of her anniversary which was a couple of weeks ago and the other the day of the accident. You'' He said pointing at me. ''Ask him to never stop until the number on the card had no money or if it was refused.

''I don't remember this.''

''Probably because you call him drunk when it happens, but that made me think that some part of you knew that something was going on.''

''Wait.'' I said pushing him away from me and turning myself to face him up front. ''You said you came a couple of weeks ago? Which means that you knew something was going on and you just decided to bring this up now? I fuck up everything and you say this after.''

Isaac tries stepping between us when he started to feel the heat of the conversation not going anywhere else.

''Calm down Kyle. I wasn't sure of anything and I wasn't going to just come to see you and say you know that AMY IS DEAD?''

''You could have? What the hell, were you going to let me going full on psycho or something?''

''Okay, okay. Kyle, you really need to calm yourself now, no one wants you to lose it or to continue to have problems here. We just want you to be better.'' Isaac said trying to getting me away from my brother. ''This is a sensitive subject for the both of us, you need to try to understand him.''

''Which side are you on? I imagine that Amy survived an accident for six years and I destroy everything because of... I don't even know actually.'' I said trying to remember what got me to see her at the gala. ''I put everyone through enough already, this need to just stop.''

''It will, with time.''

I wish he knew that how much I wanted to believe him even if everything was broken in my life. I wish I could show them how much they meant to me even if I was frustrated. Now wasn't the time for dreaming or hoping because I have mistakes to fix.

''I need to go and this time you can't follow.'' I say to Isaac but louder enough for my brother to hear and got his attention instantly. ''I know what you will say, I actually don't care right now. I need to go, you got me here for your own purpose. Now, I need to go somewhere else and you can't come.''

''I don't think it's a good-'' Isaac started.

''I wasn't up for discussion, I will meet you back at my apartment tonight. I promised I will be there.''

I started to walk before they could start arguing with me and be able to prevent me from going anywhere.

I hate this town, I always had and always will. The only good thing that came from coming from here is that where I needed to go was within walking distance.

__________________________________________________

Well, hello there!

it's been a while?

I had a lot of struggle with this chapter and finally revealing that AMY was indeed dead since the first chapter!

I wanted you guys to live it the way I had imagine this story, and I hope you will stick around for the rest of this story because it isn't finish and I have still a couple of surprises in my hands!!

With Love,

-M