feeling
/ˈfiːlɪŋ/

noun
plural noun: feelings
•an emotional state or reaction

KWAZI

TW: rape

~~FLASHBACK~~

It was a sunny day and my mother had gone out with her church buddies as usual. I've never had a problem with her going out,I just disliked that I had to do house chores all by myself when I had to study.
He-my father ,he came home very late that day and I had noticed that he had been drinking.

“Please...please stop. Ngiyakucela”

my cries fall unto deaf ears. His thrusts just go deeper and harder and ...
The more I beg, the more he shoves his manhood in me.
The air reeks of an unpleasant stench of cheap alcohol and armpit sweat. I'm numb, I give in and let him have my way with me . I pass out.

I'm laying in a pool of own blood, the man I had thought to be my father raped me! He took away my innocence. I had always imagined my first time with the girl I love , rose petals everywhere and dim lights but he... he took that away from me.

He carried me to the bathroom and he bathed me . “ Don't you ever tell your mother about this, uyezwa?” that's what he said after forcing himself on me.

~~END OF FLASHBACK~~

It's been two weeks since I got discharged from the hospital and my sister practically begged me to talk to a therapist . I didn't want to talk to a stranger about my problems but I had no choice but to come here and answer stupid questions from this white woman.

Today  is our third session.

Ms Hudson ,my therapist has been sitting there staring at me, trying to study me as if I am an arduous puzzle . Should I tell her that her sessions are a waste of time?that she needs them more than I do?
See,my Hudson is a divorcee. Her ex husband left her for a woman half his age. She's been depressed ever since the divorce. She has tried everything to get him to stay . From getting a boob job, watching how she eats to being the best wife in the world ,but -

He still left. At least that's what she told me.

In our last session she cried ,that was very unprofessional of her I might say. She cried because it would've been their 5th anniversary. She blames herself for not being enough.“is it because of our dull sex life?he said he understands that I have to work!he said he'll wait till I'm ready!” she said sobbing,poor Ms Hudson.
I've seen marks on her wrists,does she draw too? Should I tell her that ever since my father took away my innocence I've become an artist?that my wrists ,chest and thighs have become my canvas and I paint red using my very sharp paint brush?

Sigh

“ how are you feeling today?” ,she finally speaks.

“Okay.", I say and she nods and writes down something in her notepad.

“ I don't know why you're trying to fix me when you're also broken,I've seen your drawings Ms Hudson.”, I look her in the eye.

“My drawings?” ,she shifts uncomfortably.

“yes.", I take off my hoodie and I show her my wrists. I also take off my t-shirt and she gasps.

She puts down her pen and notepad. She takes off her blazer , revealing the scars on her wrists.

LONDIWE

“MaZiqubu are you okay?” The voice pulls me out from my thoughts.

I clear my throat, “Uhm...yes,yes of course. You were saying?.” , I plaster a fake smile.

“ What's bothering you? You  haven't been yourself the past couple of weeks. talk to me,udliwa yini?” , Kwanele gets up from his desk and leads me to the office couch. He makes me lay my head on his shoulder as we are seated.

“ it's my brother. He tried committing suicide and I'm worried about him.", I sigh

“ Did you try talking to him."

“ I've tried but he always shrugs me off. I don't know what else to do.” , I sniff.

“Shhh,it's okay. don't cry.", Kwanele strokes my hair.

“Oh this is cozy.”, his wife walks in. We didn't even hear her come in.

I wipe my tears.

“Babe, what are you doing here?”, Kwanele gets up from the couch .

“ I brought you lunch but it seems like you're busy with this...thing.”, she looks at me from head to toe.

Okay! I honestly don't have time for this.  “ excuse me.", I say walking out. Leaving Kwanele and her wife. I can hear her shouting as I go to the ladies toilets.
---
I decided to stay there until the wife leaves because I really don't want drama. My relationship with Qhawe has been rocky because of the situation with my brother but I appreciate that he has been there to support me and he's also the one who helped get a therapist for Kwazi.

“ She's gone, you can come in now.”, Kwanele says chuckling as I peak through the door. I get in and close the door behind me.

“ Listen,I'm sorry about Thabile. She can be rude at times.”

“Oh, it's fine. I understand where she came from. I also would've been mad if I found my boyfriend that close to another woman.”, I say to him and he nods.

“ You know ,there's a friend of mine who is a therapist,I can talk to him.” , he says  looking at me.

“Thank you but he already has one.”, I smile to him. That's very nice of him.

“ I see,but then is there anything else I can help you with.”

“No Kwanele,it's fine. You don't have to.”, I say. I don't know how I feel about getting handouts from my boss and to make matters worse ,his wife hates my guts.

“Oh, I see.”, he says looking down. One thing I know about Zulu men is that they don't like being turned down.

“So, do you have any kids?”, I ask him , trying to chance the subject.

“ No but I'd love to have kids.”, He smiles.

“So why don't you,I mean you're financially stable and you're married so what are you waiting for?”

“ Thabile and I are going through a divorce and I want to have kids with someone that I love.” , what? Okay I didn't expect that one.

“ Divorce,but-”

“ We decided that we'll split without the public knowing,you how how the public gets.”, he cuts me.

“ Oh, I'm sorry sir.”, I say looking down, I don't know what else to say.

“Its okay, I have a woman that I have my eyes on anyways.”, His eyes meet mine and he stares for a moment.

I shift away from his gaze and I look at my watch.“ It's lunch time already,I should go , sorry.”, I get up from the chair and practically stride to the door.