"WHO ARE YOU WITHOUT YOUR ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENTS?"

I saw this post while scrolling on social media. It made me think. That questions makes so much sense considering the state of my academics this semester. I'm certain that I'm not doing well this school year. Ain't satisfied of my school performances but I'm not invalidating all my hardworks. I somehow did my best. Yet, my best wasn't enough.

Flashback to my elementary days where I don't even care of what will be the remarks on my school card. However, I always do my assignments 'coz my mother will beat me if I don't. I would cry in the middle of the night while studying mathematics 'coz it's my worst nightmare. I don't always get the passing scores in tests nor exams. I can't even remember raising my hand to participate in any oral recitation in my 6 years in elementary. Receiving 90 as my grades is just once in a blue moon. But I'm proud to say that I never had a failing grade. 

Flashforward to highschool where I don't care about academic awards. My goal is just to pass in every school year. Never been active in school activities nor events. Sometimes, during class discussions I guess I have something to say but I'll remain quiet. Too anxious to speak, too scared to be judged. People might have thought I'm dumb which I don't even deny. We're all been stupid back in highschool or maybe it's just me. 

Before, my priorities are writing.. I'll waste my money on buying fancy notebooks not for school purposes but for my poems, stories, and quotes. I ain't tired of writing 'bout my thoughts all day and night. Besides, my friends love to wait for the updates of the fictional stories I'm writing. 

I often don't listen to my teacher during class hours, if I'm not writing another chapter, I'm definitely composing a song or drawing some anime at the back of my notebook. For real, life is just so easy in highschool. But.. I guess not really. Alot of traumas in there.

Anyway, when I stepped in first year college. I tried to challenge myself. The fact that people are making fun of me 'coz theirs nothing in my brain made me  become someone that I didn't expect me to be. 

And I was like I think there is something in me  and I can do better but I'm just too lazy and scared at the same time to try something new. So I thought, "What if I try this year?"

And I did. I aimed for the best. I've been in a competition with no one but myself. I tried to become the better version of me every single day. For the first time, I stepped out of my comfort zone. 

I learned to raise my hand even though I'm shaking. I learned to speak up even though everyone's stares are intimidating. I learned to keep my head up even though I feel like I'm melting.

Then, I find myself sleeping at 3 am and waking up at 4 am .. just studying. Killing myself just to study all day and night. I didn't have enough time for my hobbies anymore. I wasn't able to finish my stories. I even forgot how to include humors in those one shot stories. My poems becomes sad and dark. And the songs I wrote, I forgot how to sing it, the tune or how I'm supposed to feel while singing that.

I didn't realize that I'm taking my own challenge so seriously. Some people I've known says I've changed. I did? I learned hence I changed.

And some people who didn't know me, thought that perhaps I grow up as a competitive student. Which is not true. I don't care about being on top. Elementary and highschool days witnessed how lazy and careless I am.

Now, in second year college. I realized how hard it is to aim for the gold. Looking back at what I've accomplished last year. I still can't process all those complements I never expected to receive. 

I guess the reason why I am not an academic achiever back in elementary and highschool is that I don't want to get tired and all exhausted of school works. Perhaps I'm just too lazy.

Now, I don't know if I'm still up for the challenge. Besides I don't care if people call me dumb or stupid just because they saw how my report card turned to decreasing grades. I guess I don't have to prove anything anymore. I can do better if I choose to. But for now? I feel so empty and I don't have the will to do anything productive.

To conclude, answering the question I raised above. Who am I without my academic achievements? Well, I am someone who's unknown. I am someone who won't feel sad because people got disappointed after I didn't hit their expectations. I am someone that can sleep early at night because I am not overthinking my academics. I am someone who can smile because I am not worried if people will still accept me if I'm dumb. I'm someone who can finish a book in a week or month. I am someone who lives in poetry and music.

I am someone who finds satisfaction with deep quotes and not high scores in quizzes. Without my academic achievements, I'm just someone living in my own world far from pleasing people and toxic energy.

RAIN