Four months.

Four months ago, since that night with the rainstorm happened.

And I miraculously

Didn't get sick

Despite the cold water

Clinging onto my skin

I grinned

As I walk

To the train

It was a long ride,

So long I felt my butt go numb

And my fingers grew tired of holding onto the railings

Of a gray scaled room

With faint yellow linings

Visible on certain areas

Of the train walls

And people

That seemed to be

Really tired

Because of the rainfall

And their eyelids dropped

Along with the raindrops

Falling from the sky

And I hummed

A tune of a song

And it happened to be

Familiar to you

Although,

I didn't know,

Since you were wearing

Those headphones

That seemed to block

Every single note

Of my humming

Every single word

From unfamiliar people

That escape their mouths

The groaning of the train engine

The yawning of workers

The coughs of an old lady by the corner

And every form of sound,

But you heard me.

And then you asked me,

With your face red

And your eyes blinking

Quite a lot,

You asked me

If it was the song

That you thought

It was

And I nodded

And the tint on your face

Seemed to increase

In saturation

And you told me

'I'm Tsukishima Kei.'

And I told you my name

And you let me take a look

Of lists of your songs

With the titles

'We're just friends, after all'

And 'I want to tell you I love you but I can't'

And there were four more

But my favorite one was

'Lonely but not when you hold me'

And I found them

Quite weird

But I didn't

Really mind

Then after,

We walked alone

In a dark alleyway

But I didn't notice the darkness

That surrounded us

Since I could only

See you

And you were gleaming

Like the stars

Plastered on the night sky

Your eyes

Joining the form

Of constellations

And I arrived at home

But you didn't say good bye

Instead,

The words that escaped your mouth

Were

'I'll see you, again.'

And I smiled

Then nodded.

As I entered my room

That day

At nine in the evening

And as I bury myself

Into the sheets

Of my bed

I felt nothing

But bliss

And I couldn't seem to

Put the emotions into words

Because it felt like—

It felt like fire

On ice

And a fur coat on my skin

And my stomach seemed to be

A garden with butterlies

And all of the things

That make me feel at ease

Although

I was pressed

As well

I did not understand it

But I cherished it,

Nonetheless.

And from then on,

We walked together

With millions of stars

Above us

But the only one I saw

That lit up my vision

The brightest

Was you.

But that was four months ago.

I haven't seen a star since yesterday.

I didn't notice anything but darkness

I didn't hear the lyrics as I play the songs in your playlists.

I couldn't hear a thing.

Not even the loud knocking of my friends

On the door of my room

Nor my breathing

Nor the cold air that blew through my opened windows

Nor the rain that poured down relentlessly.

I couldn't feel

Anything.

I know that I should be happy,

Since you're now in a better place,

And you told me that I should be happy,

And live the way

I intended to

Even if I need to

Forget you

But I'm sorry.

I'm nowhere near happy.

I can't be happy.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

I hope you're with the constellations now, Kei.