Ssangmundong, Seoul

October 1994

Jung Hwan

I laid on my bed, my arm resting on my forehead. Despite our friends' urging to have a second drink, I refused and made an excuse about needing to go to sleep. Sun Woo appeared as if he wanted to talk to me, but I was all talked out.

There was nothing else left to say.

I heard a knock on my door and though I gave no response, I heard it open anyway. I knew before I heard his voice that it was my brother, his hesitation giving him away. I didn't turn my head when I heard him pull the chair out from my desk nor as he sat.

Knowing that he would worry if I continued like this, I took a deep breath and pasted a smile on my face before lowering my arm and addressing him.

"Jung Hwan-ah," he said and I lifted my eyes to meet his. The wall that I had built up almost cracked as I looked at my older brother, the kindest person I knew, someone I admired and wanted to protect almost in equal measure, looking at me as if he wanted to protect me, too.

I sat up on the bed, my back resting against the headboard. Almost immediately I was reminded of the night Deok Sun slept here, her head resting just inches from mine. The memory was so real I had to close my eyes to banish it away.

When I opened them again Hyung was looking at me, his eyes missing nothing.

"You know..." he started before he cleared his throat, "you know that I'm very, very proud of you, right?"

I gave him a wry grin. "Yeah, I know," I answered. "You've said it enough times."

"And you know that you're my best friend, right?" He asked. "I tell you everything." I nodded, a bit curious as to where he was going with this. Before I could ask him he gave me a sympathetic smile. "You know you can tell me everything, right?"

I looked away. "There's nothing to tell, Hyung."

He raised an eyebrow. "Is there not?" I shook my head no. "Then I must have been making it all up in my head that you liked Deok Sun so many years ago. And that you still like her, even now."

My head whipped around to look at my brother, his eyes poring over me knowingly. "How?" The one word came out of my mouth and he shrugged his shoulders before responding.

"You know I'm not a good student. I get easily distracted and honestly, it never interested me enough to hold my attention. There's a lot of things that I have failed at, but if there is one thing I'm really good at, it's being your brother." He stood up from the chair and repositioned himself on the bed, right next to me. "Surely you didn't think I wouldn't know."

I looked at my hands, unable to meet his eyes. "I didn't think anyone would know."

"Yeah," he said. "I thought so." He nudged me with his shoulder. "Yah... if it's any consolation I think Deok Sun likes you too." I didn't respond and he kept speaking. "And why wouldn't she? My brother is handsome and nice. He has the best heart of anyone I know. He's smart and..."

"No," I said, interrupting him. "She doesn't."

He blinked at me. "How do you know?" I looked away as his question went unanswered. "Did you ask?"

I nodded. "I confessed tonight."

"And?"

I shook my head and swallowed the emotion that came up from somewhere in the pit of my belly, rising up until I felt it lodge in my throat. "Nothing," I said, the word coming out hoarse. "I was too late."

As always, I wanted to add. I hesitated too many times. What I always took as care and thought merely amounted to indecision upon reflection. I wasn't even sure who I had been trying to protect. Taek? Deok Sun? Myself?

Whatever. It didn't matter now.

Hyung looked like he didn't know what to say. I could feel him looking at me, much like Sun Woo did, as if trying to read my mind.

"I'm okay," I said, more to my benefit than his. "I'm okay."

And why wouldn't I be? Nothing had changed. Life will move on, just as it always has. Except mine will move forward without her.

The thought brought on a fresh surge of pain.

As if sensing this, my brother placed an arm around me in reassurance. "This may not be what you want to hear," he began carefully, as if watching his words, "but you did your best. You told her how you felt. Whatever happens now is out of your control. Sometimes life is like that."

I focused on his words as if they were my truth, wanting to hold onto them as if they would save me from this moment. I wanted to believe him more than anything, afraid that if I didn't, that I would have nothing left.

"Better put it out on the open than regret it forever. You've done all you can do," he continued, his normally lighthearted voice suddenly ringing with conviction. "You've done your best, just as you always had. And if that's not good enough for her, then she's not good enough for you."

The belief in his voice rang through me and I felt the tears fall out of my eyes. I wiped them off in frustration, wishing for so many things, not the least of which was to do it all over again. To go back to 1988 and do it right, this time.

Hyung said nothing else as he kept his arm resolutely around me. I continued to cry as if I would never stop, the first and last time I will allow myself to mourn.

Deok Sun

I laid on my side, unable to sleep. For once I wish Unnie was here, her back against mine, her presence reassuring. So many times her existence alone grated on me; I considered her the constant thorn on my side, someone around just to make my life difficult. In recent years that had changed.

Now I found comfort in her constancy... there was something about her ability to stick to what she believes in, her unwillingness to bend, that resonated with me. Always having been one who was always easily influenced, I sometimes envied her courage to never compromise or sacrifice. Always having been someone who never knew what I wanted, I wish I had my sister's determination to be whoever and whatever she wanted to be.

I could still hear my parents and No Eul bickering a wall away from me, no doubt about the fact that my brother now had to give up his (formerly mine and Unnie's) room for the night. I sat up and looked around; the room had not changed since I was last here.

The room looked as it did back when I was in high school and it made me feel as if I was back to that time, as well. The restlessness I was feeling made me feel as if I truly was.

Wearily I stood up and walked towards the table, turning the lamp on as soon as I sat down. I fiddled with the pens that were in a cup, straightened papers that didn't need tidying in an effort to calm my mind.

None worked.

I opened the drawer slowly, wondering if my diary was still in it, the one I wrote in back in high school. It had been my companion whenever I felt confused, and one I left at home when I started working.

I thought that in leaving it behind, I would leave who I was too. I had been intent on becoming a better version of Sung Deok Sun. Someone who was wiser. Someone who actually became someone without anyone else's help.

I opened the first page and touched the words, almost laughed at what I had written. When was this? I thought as I continued to read, my girlish handwriting almost too juvenile now.

There were a whole lot of inane details about the things that made up my life: my never-ending complaints about my sister, my frustration at myself for not knowing what to do, and my friends. Taek, Dong Ryong, Sun Woo. I had written things in detail about each and every single one of them. Until the last few years there had not been a day when we all didn't see one another. My memories were as much theirs as they were mine.

Except I had a secret. Several, actually. First: I had liked Taek, a long time ago. Second: I thought I liked Sun Woo too, before I realized it was not me he liked.

And the third... I hesitated before I flipped a page. The third. Maybe the most important.

My heart paused as I ran a finger over the characters of the name that came into view.

Kim Jung Hwan.

I felt a wave of emotion pass through me so quickly I had no time to guard myself against it. His words came to me in echoes, memories of our past coming back slowly, then all at once as it melted into the present.

He confessed, then took it back. Was any of it real? Why did the idea that none of it had been make me feel as if I'd been punched in the stomach?

I thought I was over the feelings I once had for him, chalked it up to an adolescent crush. The same thing I once felt for Taek. The same thing I once felt for Sun Woo.

So why did my heart feel as if there was a vice around it now? Why did it sound as if he had been saying goodbye? Why did it matter so much?

I tried to laugh it off like he did except it didn't ring true. I barely had time to digest what he said before he had taken it all back and tried to pass it off like a joke.

It wasn't fair to even say those things out loud if he was only kidding. Jung Hwan can be so cruel at times.

I shook my head as if flinging the thoughts away, tried to tell myself it didn't matter at all. And then I remembered something.

I reached my hand behind me and pulled out a box from the pocket of my coat. I felt its weight in my hands before I shakily put it on the table. I opened the lid and fingered the heavy ring, wondered what made me fabricate an excuse about needing to use the restroom just so I could get it.

I told myself it had looked lonely on the table, that I was only taking it so I can give it back to him. That it's what a friend would do.

Except that wasn't quite right, either, was it?

Not for the first time tonight I wished I was more like my sister. She would not have hesitated to say what was on her mind many years ago. She would have asked Jung Hwan directly if he really was kidding.

She would have told him how she felt.

I sighed before I closed the lid, wrapped my arms around myself. Jung Hwan had sounded so convincing when he told Dong Ryong matter of factly that he had been merely granting his wish. But then again, why did everything he said before then sound true, too?

I remembered the times before school, the morning on the school bus. The pink shirt. I remember them, too. I treasured those moments, too.

I don't really understand why he had to bring up all those things, especially that pink shirt. Besides, if it had made him so happy why did he give it to his brother? It had been so characteristic of the Jung Hwan I always knew it shouldn't have surprised me, but it still hurt.

That had marked the day I began to consciously disentangle my feelings from him. Except it didn't quite work.

Still, life moved forward. Weeks turned into months and then months into years. I began to date while pushing memories of Jung Hwan to the back of my mind. I learned to forget that once upon a time I had been a girl who only wanted him to acknowledge me.

I was almost there, except now here we all were. Back to where it all began, as if no time had passed at all. As if I was back to the indecisive Deok Sun I once was. As if I was back to the Deok Sun who only wanted Kim Jung Hwan to love me.

Well... I'm not her anymore, I thought, trying to adopt a bit more of my sister into myself. I need to know the truth. I needed to know if Jung Hwan really meant what he said.

And this time, I'm not leaving without any answers.

I turned the lamp off and laid back down, feeling proud for having made a decision on my own. Growing up had some perks, after all. I fell asleep feeling a little more optimistic than I did just minutes before, finally feeling as if I am taking control of my destiny rather than letting it take control of me.

The next morning...

"Deok Sun-ah, breakfast!" Appa was mid-sentence when I opened the door to his face. He looked me up and down before narrowing his brows. "Are you leaving already?"

I shook my head and smiled brightly, trying to muster up some courage. "I'll eat breakfast when I get back. It will only take me a few minutes."

"What will only take you a few minutes?"

I walked past him and straight out of the basement room, only hearing him call out as I put on a coat and my shoes. I balanced a cap on my head haphazardly, my fingers slipping into the pink angora gloves that Jung Hwan gave me years ago.

Courage, Sung Deok Sun, I kept chanting to myself. Courage.

I continued to tell myself this as I climbed up the stairs, the sight of Jung Bong Oppa almost taking me by surprise. He had a newspaper under his arm, and he looked just as surprised to see me as I was him. He still had slippers on; his just wakened expression reminded me so much of Jung Hwan's I almost lost my breath.

He paused mid stride up the stairs and faced me. His mouth appeared as if it was about to break into a smile before he suddenly stopped, his face taking on a more guarded look. All of a sudden I felt self-conscious, as if he knew something about me even I myself didn't know.

He bowed stiffly. "Deok Sun-ssi."

His formal use of my name took me aback. As did the fact that he turned around and began walking up the steps without saying anything else.

I frowned. "Oppa." When he made no move to once again address me, I repeated myself. "Jung Bong Oppa."

He stopped but didn't turn around. His behavior confounded me... I thought he and I had a special kind of kinship because he dated my friend Man Ok. There was once a time when I was part of his close circle, when he brought me into his confidence, so why was he was treating me now like a stranger?

He seemed pretty heartbroken after Man Ok left but that was years ago. Maybe something else happened... but that can't be right because as far as I knew Man Ok was not back. Either way... What happened between them had not been my fault.

If that's what this was all about, I should be mad, too. I lost her, too. Suddenly angry, I was about to ask him what the matter was when he finally turned around.

"Deok Sun-ssi," he said, his eyes serious, as if considering what he was going to say next. It made me bite my tongue, unused to seeing him this somber. "My brother refused to give me his shirt."

I looked at him in confusion. O-kay? Why was he telling me about a shirt now? They were brothers... I'm sure there had been a whole lot of pieces of clothing passed back and forth between the two of them, much like how it had been with me and Bora Unnie. I really don't know what this had to do with...

"I'm just telling you because I think you ought to know," he continued. "Jung Hwan refused to give me the shirt you gave him for his birthday. Even after I asked many times." He gave me a rueful grin. "And you know my brother gives me everything."

What? The words he was saying were not registering and I found myself gaping at him in confusion. Jung Hwan kept the shirt? He kept the shirt? But I saw Jung Bong Oppa wearing it. But I thought....

"Man Ok and I promised each other we wouldn't say anything about it since I didn't want you to know that I asked her for the same gift you gave Jung Hwan," he continued, seemingly unaware of my confusion. "And I probably wouldn't ever have said anything about it. Except..." he paused for a few seconds, bit his lip, "except I can't stand the idea that I may have done something that you may have misunderstood. My brother loved... that shirt."

His mouth said 'shirt' but it sounded as if he was speaking of something else. For my part, it felt as if I had been doused with cold water, his admission not taking hold. It was just like Jung Hwan to not say a word. It was just like him to not clarify.

I stopped myself from going further. I needed to stop assuming things about Jung Hwan. It seemed that he had secrets of his own.

"Where is he?" I asked before I could even think about what I was saying, the panic in my voice audible. What if I had been wrong about him all this time? What if he had been telling the truth? Embarrassingly tears sprang to my eyes. It seemed just as it was years ago when it didn't take a lot to make me cry. Except this.... felt like a lot. Like a lot more than it seemed. Like a lot more than I realized. "Can you..." My voice sounded small even to my ears and I took a deep breath, "can you have him come out so I can talk to him?"

Jung Bong Oppa shook his head. "No."

"But..." I said, my voice breaking a little. "I just wanted to talk to him! Just please let me talk to him!"

"I would if I could," he answered, his voice softening. "But you just missed him. He already left for Sacheon."

"When..." I cleared my throat, tried to blink the tears away. "When is he coming back?"

"You know the answer to that as well as I do, Deok Sun-ah," he said quietly. "You know my brother."

Did I? I thought I did. I really thought I did. But the Jung Hwan from last night and the Jung Hwan that he was now talking about seemed a different person than the one in my childhood.

Or was it that it was I who saw him differently?

After two decades of having these friends in my life I once thought I knew all of them better than anyone else. Especially Jung Hwan. It was another thing I had taken comfort in... That despite his stoic nature, his often surly humor, that I knew him. And understood him.

Until now. Until today.

Now I had the sinking feeling that I didn't know him at all.

December 1995

Deok Sun

I sat at a table in the pojangmacha near our parents' house, waiting for my sister. I wondered almost as soon as she had called me asking to meet up for a drink what the reason was. Why did I need to call her as soon as I landed back in Seoul? And why did I have to meet her here?

She could have asked to meet me anywhere, so why did it have to be the place I had tried to avoid for the last couple of months?

I rubbed my hands together as the ahjumma dropped off a bottle of soju and a small dish of dried fish and some peppers. I had just taken a bite of a green pepper and was just about to pick up the bottle when I saw my sister enter the tent, her eyes looking around. She gave me a small smile as our eyes met and I waved, motioning for her to come.

She sat down across from me, signaling the ahjumma for a glass. She ordered two bowls of udon without asking and when it was delivered, grabbed the soju and poured me a drink before doing the same for herself. We touched our glasses together and downed our shots, our faces grimacing.

She cocked her head and regarded me once she put her glass down, her expression indiscernable. "You look good," she remarked. "When did you get back?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Just a few hours ago," I answered. "I would have called you sooner than today, but I've been working non stop."

She nodded. "That's what No Eul said."

All conversation stopped when our food came, and for a while I distracted myself with eating. For her part, Unnie didn't seem to be in a rush to speak, either, taking only bites of her food, while trying to be subtle about sneaking glances my way.

"Unnie." "Deon Sun-ah."

We spoke simultaneously and I gave her smile. "You go first," I said and she shook her head.

"No, you," she insisted.

"I was just going to ask you why you asked me to meet up especially since we were all coming home for Christmas anyway."

"Am I not allowed to ask to see my sister now?" She sounded so defensive, much like the Sung Bora I grew up with and it made me chuckle wistfully. "What?"

"Nothing," I answered. "It's just... it's just nice to know that no matter what else changes you stay the same. No matter what."

"Everyone changes, Deok Sun-ah. Some not so obviously, but they do," she replied, studying her glass closely. "I wanted to tell you something."

My older sister looked nervous, apprehensive. I could practically feel the tension coming off her in waves and I narrowed my brows in concern. Was something wrong with our parents? No Eul? Was something wrong with her?

Before I could ask her to elaborate I saw her take a deep breath, as if working up the courage to say whatever it was that she wanted to say.

"I'm dating Sun Woo."

Her admission made me widen my eyes, not from surprise but the fact that it had taken her this long to tell me something I already had an inkling about.

"Okay."

Her expression shocked, she looked at me before speaking again. "Did you just hear me?" She asked. "I just told you I was dating Sun Woo."

"I heard you," I said, carefully wrapping some noodles with my chopsticks and taking a bite. "You said you were dating Sun Woo."

"Your friend."

I grinned at her. "I know who Sun Woo is, Unnie. And yes he's my friend."

"Are you..." she began and I could hear the hesitation in her voice. "I mean... you're okay with it?"

"Are you happy?" I asked her, not bothering to answer her question first. I looked into her eyes and marveled that for the first time in my life, my sister didn't look as confident as she had always been. As if she really cared about what I would think.

She looked away, pushed the noodles around her bowl. "Yes," she answered. "I am very happy."

"Then I'm happy too," I said. "As long as you're happy then I'm okay with it."

"Really?"

I nodded. "Unnie... you didn't need my blessing," I said. "You never needed it before."

"No, but it means a lot to me to have it anyway. My family means a lot to me."

"Says the girl who refused to stop protesting even after Omma begged her."

The reminder made her smile before her expression sobered. "I didn't care what other people thought," she said. "I still don't. But you're my sister and he's your friend. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Why?" I asked. "Will you stop dating him if I was?"

"No," she said firmly, taking another shot and wiping her mouth with a napkin. "I'll just have to do everything I can to win your approval."

What she said, how she said it, made me look at my sister in admiration. How wonderful it must be to know yourself that well, to have that conviction about everything.

"Unnie," I said, sticking my thumbs up. "It's okay. You didn't ask me for permission the first time you two dated, so I don't need to be giving it to you now."

"Yah... how did you know about the first time?"

I gave her a sly look. "We live in a small neighborhood and our brother is nosy," I said smartly. "You guys weren't exactly being inconspicuous."

She shook her head, then laughed. "I can't believe you knew and didn't tell me."

"I figured if and when you want me to know you'll tell me yourself. And then it seemed like you guys broke up, so I didn't think to bring it up in case you beat me." I motioned for the ahjumma to bring another bottle. "I'm really amazed at Sun Woo though... I can't believe he got you back after all this time."

The ahjumma came with the bottle and my sister waited until she was gone before she cleared her throat and spoke. "He didn't try to get me back," she said, surprising me for the second time. "I asked him for another chance."

"No way," I said, taking a drink. "My sister sticks with the decisions she makes. She doesn't question her choices. She always knows what she wants."

"Is that how you see me?"

I nodded. "I can't imagine you asking anyone for another chance. Just like with your other old boyfriends... they're the ones always begging for you to come back. And once you make up your mind that it's over," I made a gesture like a sword to my neck, "it's over."

She gave me a faint smile, her fingers drawing circles over the rim of her glass. "That's true," she said softly. "But when you find the person you love, you make an exception, no? Sun Woo was worth putting my pride down for, and it seemed a small loss to what I might gain."

"Unnie," I teased. "You're scaring me right now. Who are you and what have you done with my sister?"

She laughed and threw a piece of fish at me. "What about you?" She asked. "I heard from Sun Woo that you were constantly on dates."

I didn't respond.

That may have been the case the last time we all saw each other, but not anymore. I haven't been on a date since I last came home.

"Unnie," I started. "How did you know that you liked Sun Woo?" When she merely raised her eyebrows, I clarified myself. "How did you know he was the one you wanted?"

"Well... I thought about him a lot," she answered thoughtfully, "and the idea that he would no longer be in my life... it hurt me." She put a hand on her chest. "Right here. I felt it. Like someone was choking me. I couldn't stand it."

I nodded, knowing exactly how she felt, automatically thinking of Jung Hwan. I tried to keep my expression neutral as I asked my next question. "But how did you know that what you felt was more than friendship?"

"You know," she said. "Let me ask you a question... think of someone you are friends with." I thought of Taek, Sun Woo and Dong Ryong. "Do you think of touching them or kissing them?"

"Eww, Unnie, no." I made a face and she smiled. "They're my friends."

"Exactly." She poured me another glass of soju, was silent for a few beats. Then she said a name I didn't expect. "Is it Taek?"

"Is what Taek?"

She tsked. "Are you not paying attention? Is Taek the friend you might like as more than a friend?"

"What makes you think it's Taek?" Did I tell her anything before? Why would she think it's Taek?

"I found your diary and read some pages," she said. I flushed. Did she read the part about Sun Woo too?

"No, Unnie... I hadn't liked Taek since we were really young. And I don't even think that was anything serious. More like a crush."

"Ah... well, I stopped after a few pages," she said, as if explaining. "You were complaining a lot about me." She looked at me directly before pursing her lips. "So... it's Jung Hwan, then."

I blinked at her, wondered if my sister knew me better than I gave her credit for. "Jung Hwan?"

She nodded, gave me a knowing smile.

"No," I said lamely. "The question wasn't specific. It was just hypo..."

"As if," she teased. "That you're flushed bright red tells me I'm right."

"It could just be the soju," I mumbled, putting my hands to my face in embarrassment.

"We hadn't drank that much," she argued. "Have you told him?"

"No," I said softly. "I didn't think I still did like him."

For years I tried to forget him, cringed whenever I thought about the lengths I went to to get closer to him. Until a few months ago I almost convinced myself that I felt nothing. And then he confessed and I was back to square one.

"What's the point?" I asked. "I don't think he likes me anymore." The admission brought on an ache in my chest. I swallowed and tried to keep it at bay. "Maybe he did. But he doesn't anymore."

"So?" My sister was looking at me as if I was making no sense at all.

"What do you mean 'so'?"

"I mean that doesn't really matter if you still like him."

"Why would I go around declaring my feelings if I don't know how he feels about me?"

"You think I knew how Sun Woo felt about me when I asked him for another chance?" I could only shrug my shoulders. "Just like you dont like someone because they like you, you don't tell someone you love them because you want them to love you back. You like who you like. You tell them because they should know." I was silent, unsure of what to say. Unsure even of what I feel. As if sensing the tumult in my mind, Unnie reached across the table and took my hand. "Jung Hwan is a good guy. I mean I know you're his friend and you know that, but he really is one of the good ones."

I studied her face, wondered why she looked like she knew something I didn't. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing," she said quickly. "Just something I heard from Sun Woo."

"What?" I asked. I was supposed to be the one who knew everything about my friends. Me! "Unnie..."

"Just..." she started begrudgingly, "just... Some jerk in high school used to pick on Sun Woo all the time... bullying him and that. He used to make fun of him for always wearing his necklace, the one that his father gave him before he died. Anyway, Jung Hwan would get annoyed at how stubborn Sun Woo was, too, and told him to just take it off and put it back on later, but of course, Sun Woo said no. Well, after a few days, that asshole decided that if Sun Woo was not going to take his necklace off willingly, then he would have to do it without his consent. And you know what happened?" Unnie met my eyes and I shook my head silently. "Before that jerk could even touch Sun Woo, Jung Hwan punched him. Punched him so hard he fell to the floor."

I took in what she was saying quietly, unable to remember hearing this story before. Wondering why it seemed both so familiar and strange that the Jung Hwan I grew up with would do these kinds of things without ever speaking of it, wondering how many more of his stories I knew nothing about.

The thought left me feeling deflated. I want to know all of Jung Hwan's stories. I want to be the first person he runs to when he has something to say. At this point I would settle for him just even coming home again.

I bit my lip.

"And you know Jung Bong Oppa was the one who wanted to be the fighter pilot," my sister continued, her tone light. "Oppa told me himself that was his dream, but because no one really knew if he was going to live long enough to do it, and even if he did no one really knew if he would ever get the chance to, Jung Hwan decided on his own to do it for both of them."

I knew how much Jung Hwan loved his brother, how much he worried about him. Of course he would live and succeed for the both of them. That's what he does. That's what he does for the people he loves. I hoped that one day he would be that way with me.

"Yes, he's a bit grumpy," Bora Unnie finished, "but he has a good heart."

"How come..." I finally said, when I could actually feel as if I could muster up something to say, "How come I have never heard of this?"

"I don't know," Unnie replied. "But you know him better than I do."

All at once I remembered Jung Hwan waiting for me as I came out of the study room with an umbrella. The way he would stand behind me in the bus. How quickly he came when I asked him to meet me and my friends at McDonald's.

All of the things that he did. Without question or expectation. Without asking for anything in return.

I had been so blind. Why would I hope for him to treat me in the future in the same way he does the people he really loves when he'd already been doing it all along?

I swear, if I could throttle myself I would.

"So... what are you going to do?" My sister's question took me aback. I didn't know how to respond, just staring at her as if I didn't understand her question and as if picking up on this, she continued without waiting for a response. "You know what I always admired about you?"

I shook my head no. What was there to admire?

"You," my sister began, her eyes almost soft as she looked at me, "always took everything head on without hesitation or shame. You always went with how you feel and showed it. It didn't matter if it was it was anger or affection... You always wore your heart on your sleeve. It made people comfortable with you, made them feel like they could trust you."

"That's nothing," I dismissed. I just now admitted to myself that the man I love has loved me all this time and I had been too blind and too silly not to see it. There was nothing redeeming about that. "That was because I was young and didn't know better."

"No," she said. "There's courage in that, as well. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, regardless of the consequences."

I kept my eyes on her as I took another drink, wondering why in the middle of me scolding myself (secretly) she was trying to make me feel better, like she wanted me to do something. "What are you saying, Unnie?"

She flashed me another one of her knowing smiles. "Don't you think you owe it to yourself to discover whether what you feel for Jung Hwan is just a passing thing or something that could last a long time? Forever, even. I'm not saying tell him tonight or even tomorrow," she said. "But give yourself another chance to think it through. Give yourself time to figure out how you feel, and as soon as you do, tell him."

"I can't exactly do that easily when he's living in Sacheon," I grumbled. "Who knows when I'll see him again?"

"The last time I checked Sacheon was still part of Korea," she said, laughing.

"What do you mean?"

"Deok Sun-ah..." she said, regarding me with more affection than I can ever recall seeing before, "It's nice to see you haven't changed much, either." She chuckled for a few minutes before stopping, shaking her head at me. "You mean to tell me you can fly all over the world, but you can't figure out a way to get to Gyeongsangdo?"

Sacheon, South Korea

February 1995

Jung Hwan

I slipped off my jacket before lying down on the ground next to Dong Ryong, his breathing ragged and heavy. He threw the soccer ball in the air and caught it as I kept my eyes on the clear blue sky, another winter almost finished in Sacheon.

"Yah..." I said, nudging his shoulder. "What's up with the unexpected visit?"

He turned and looked at me, a small smile on his face. "What else was I supposed to do after you didn't come back for Christmas and New Year's, either?" He asked. "You should be grateful, you bastard... I'm missing out on a whole lot of tips tonight. Everyone knows Valentine's Day is not complete without a meal out."

I chuckled in response. "You didn't have to come down."

He regarded me with annoyance. "And leave you here at the base by yourself doing God knows what while others are all loved up?"

"Not everyone is all loved up."

"Yeah," he said, sarcastic. "Some of them are married."

His own remark made Dong Ryong laugh and I smiled, relaxed against the ground. Cold wind blew over my face and I closed my eyes, the smell of winter in my nostrils, the scent of Sacheon still unfamiliar to me after all these years.

How I wished I could be back in Ssangmundong, bringing home the chestnuts that my Omma loved, seeing the snow fall with Hyung, watching endless amounts of television with Appa.

I missed my family, even though it's only been four months. It still pains me when I remember the look on Omma's face when she caught me sneaking out of the house the morning I left, and then again her reaction when she asked when I would be back and I could not respond. Something in my chest squeezed and I had to swallow.

I'll make it up to her... I swear I will. Maybe when it doesn't hurt so much to think about what had happened with Deok Sun anymore. Maybe when I stop thinking that had I done things a bit differently, things would not be as they are.

The guilt and regret came back to me now, as if they had always been there, waiting to catch me off guard. It seems that even with myself I could only hide things for so long. I lifted my arm and placed it over my eyes, its weight reassuring, the motion itself enough to calm my tumultuous thoughts.

"Yah..." I heard Dong Ryong say, his voice even. "Are we ever going to talk about what you said that night?"

I feigned ignorance. "What night?"

"Oh," he said. "Is that the game we're playing now?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I really thought that you were just kidding," he continued, ignoring what I said, " until I got home and thought about it some more. And I've come to the conclusion that it couldn't have been a joke."

"Of course it was."

"Jokes don't usually involve memories that don't include the rest of the people you're telling the joke to," he said. "Or else how will we get the punchline?" I didn't respond. "And jokes are not usually made when there's a ring on the table."

The memory of that night, pushed aside once I finally cried myself out, reared its ugly head.

"This is me, Dong Ryong" he said. "I'm one of your oldest friends. And," he said laughingly, almost wistfully, "I'm not as dumb as I look. They didn't call me professor in high school for nothing."

Part of me wanted to spill everything, to empty my chest of everything I'd been feeling. I wanted to tell him how long I had liked Deok Sun, how much I really thought that if I waited long enough, that I would be rewarded with her love. I wanted to laugh with him about having to pretend that I needed to tie my shoelaces over and over again just so I could be at the gate when she left for school, to tell him how difficult it had been to balance how I felt for her with how much I cared for Taek and didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to share all of these things.

But I didn't.

It was all over now. I had already said goodbye to that chapter in my life. What was the use to giving him privy to those things when it didn't matter to the one who did matter?

"Let it go." My voice sounded gravelly, raspy.

"No." I turned my head towards him to see him regarding me with a mixture of affection and disappointment. "I'm your friend and you can talk to me. You need to talk to someone rather than keeping yourself isolated from all of us. Sun Woo said you wouldn't even answer his calls. If he didn't need to be at the hospital tonight he would have been here with me. You know that."

"He would have been with Bora Noona," I retorted, forcing my voice to sound light. "Are they actually back together now?"

"I didn't even know they were together in the first place," Dong Ryong said. "Just another secret you people hid from me. I swear... with the amount of secrets around, one would wonder if we were all friends to begin with."

"My brother is dating Deok Sun's friend," I said, wanting to make him feel better. "No one but me knows yet."

"That's great for Jung Bong Hyung, but don't change the topic." His answer made me chuckle out loud, amazed that he always had the ability to look through all of us. "Is it about Taek?"

"Is what about Taek?"

He huffed in irritation. "What did I just tell you? I'm not dense. Let me put it in a way that you can't talk out of: is it because of Taek that you didn't pursue Deok Sun years ago?"

I said nothing.

Dong Ryong turned his whole body towards me and rested his head on an upturned palm. "You know... it's honorable that you respected the guy code by not making moves on a woman Taek already said he liked, but..."

"But?"

"But it doesn't really matter who said what first, or who liked who first. Deok Sun is not a piece of land that someone can lay claim to. She gets to decide who she wants to be with."

"Deok Sun likes whoever she thinks likes her. And I... missed my chance."

"Don't undermine our Deok Sunnie," he reprimanded. "Maybe in high school she was a bit confused, but high school was a long time ago. None of that counts anyway... what matters is now."

"Taek still likes her," I said.

"Again, that means nothing if she doesn't like him back. Listen," he said. "I love Taek as much as you do, but his feelings for her are not more important than yours. What you want, what you think, how you feel... those things matter too."

I took in his words silently, unsure about how to respond. It seemed a moot point now anyway... it was all done and over with. There was no going back. I knew that as soon as I made the decision to confess. And perhaps that had been the reason why I did. I didn't want to go back.

Loving her for all those years without her knowing had been enough. And I was unwilling to go any longer.

"What if Deok Sun likes you?" His question took me off guard.

"She can't like me." I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. It wasn't even something I considered. I saw the way she looked for Taek that night at the cafe, after all. If she felt anything at all for me, my six years of silence had guaranteed that she no longer felt the same way.

"How would you know?" He asked. "You didn't even give her a chance to process what you said before you took it back. That's hardly fair. How do you expect her to make the right decision without giving her all that she needs to know?"

That's the thing, I wanted to say, why did it matter? I liked her all these years without expecting anything back, without knowing if she felt the same way. I want her to do the same. To like someone without using their feelings as a basis. Because isn't love like that? Is it not just taking a chance on a person knowing that you can fail?

Deok Sun was always smarter than she gave herself credit for. Too often she didn't trust herself and her ability to go after what she wanted, to be whoever she wanted, afraid that she would fail.

But still... I wanted her to take that chance on me.

"I've made my decision," I said, sounding unconvincing even to my ears. "It's better this way."

"I wasn't asking you to do anything, per se. I just... I guess, I just wanted to think about this whole situation from a different perspective. You have what you think you know, which is all well and good, but that's only your perception. You won't ever know the whole picture unless you consider the other person in the equation," he said gently. "In any case, Taek is our friend. So is Deok Sun. Not just yours, but all of ours. He's not just your responsibility to protect. And we want her to be happy, too." Dong Ryong took a deep breath. "But you are also our friend. We don't want to lose you over this."

"You didn't lose anyone," I said carefully.

"Oh yeah?" Dong Ryong answered. "Is that why I had to ride a bus for almost six hours just to see your face?" He smirked. "Don't avoid us and come home once in a while, huh?"

"Yeah," I replied, finally relenting.

"Good." Dong Ryong sat up, dusting his lap and putting the ball to the side before standing up. He put his hand out and I took it gratefully. Once we were both standing he placed an arm around me.

Having him here brought a piece of home to me, and I was reminded again of how lucky I am to have had friends since childhood. It also reminded me why when faced with the choice of pursuing the woman I love and protecting that friendship, I chose the latter.

I pushed the thoughts away and we began to walk in silence. I relished it: I was thankful that he did not speak of Deok Sun again. I thought of her enough on my own without anyone's encouragement. Already I was exhausted just from this conversation.

Feelings and emotions definitely weren't my strong suit.

"Yah... is there anywhere we can get a drink around here?" Dong Ryong asked.

I thought about it, then against it. It was a bad idea. Going to work with a hangover may be an unpleasant but doable option for most, but not for someone who has to fly a plane. "I can't drink tonight." I gave him an apologetic look. "I'm working tomorrow."

Dong Ryong grinned fully. "It wasn't for you, dummy, but me," he said. He frowned before glowering at me. "Has anyone ever told you that getting you to talk about feelings is worse than having haemorrhoids?"

I looked at him incredulously and then I began to laugh.

Incheon international Airport

March 1995

Deok Sun

"Any plans tonight?" Ji Hye, a flight attendant I frequently flew with, asked as we were walking out of customs into the arrival gate.

I loosened the bow around my neck and secured my hold on my luggage. After just finishing a nonstop flight from London to Seoul just a day after flying to London (for the same amount of hours,) I was dead on my feet. Even now I shifted my toes in my heels, eager to take my stockings off and get into my pajamas. And it wasn't even 4 p.m. yet.

I realized that Ji Hye was still waiting for an answer and I shook my head. "No... I finally have a day off tomorrow so I am going to rest."

"On White Day?"

Was it already White Day? I tried to remember what day it was (the days and nights are blending in together with my hectic schedule,) and realized that it must be. I lifted my shoulders in a shrug.

"I don't have a boyfriend so why would I have any plans today?"

Ji Hye peered at me curiously as we walked through the door that would lead to the airport's exit. "It's the first time you don't have a boyfriend or someone close to being a boyfriend since you started working."

Actually, I wanted to correct her, I haven't had a boyfriend in about five months.

For the first time in my life I was doing two things. One: l was taking my sister's advice and giving myself time. Two: I was trying to figure out what I wanted, or more specifically, who I wanted, rather than just saying yes to the first seemingly acceptable guy who asks.

Apparently, upon closer inspection, I was picky as hell. Or maybe it was because there was already a person against whom I am comparing every single guy I meet.

The last few months I have been going home at certain important times, like Christmas and New Year's, fully aware that they were also military holidays, therefore increasing the chances that Jung Hwan might be coming home too. No such luck. So then I started coming home at random times (every opportunity I could, actually, if I was being totally honest,) thinking that if I just did it often enough, surely I would catch him when he's not expecting it and he would be forced to deal with me.

That hadn't worked either. I was a fool to believe that my persistence could trump Jung Hwan's stubbornness. A small part of me now feared that his quasi-confession had not been the point of what he said that night, but the message behind it, which sounded a hell of a lot like goodbye.

The thought brought on a nervous fluttering in my belly. And not the good kind, either. I touched the chain hanging from my neck through my blouse, my fingers tracing its length until they reached the heavy ring resting across my chest. Close to where my heart is. Close to where he is.

Five months later and I am more convinced than ever that I never did get over Jung Hwan. And that at this rate I might never be.

As a teen I was always given to daydreaming, and it seems I had not lost that whim. Whenever I am drifting to sleep or starting to wake, whenever I am sitting in the plane on another flight away from home, my thoughts always find their way to him.

I imagine waiting to catch him at the bus stop, much like I once did, except this time I take his hand. I imagine that he was the one listening to music, and I was the one who grabbed the earphone from his ear, getting dangerously close, and then putting it in my ear. I imagined us trapped against the alley walls like we were the night of the retreat, except in my daydream we would be looking in each other's eyes, and he would lean down and...

Ji Hye cleared her throat and I looked at her, my face flushing. If either of my hands had been free, I might have fanned myself. What the hell was wrong with me? I wasn't sixteen years old anymore. And even then I had more sense than this.

"Deok Sun-ah," she said, searching the crowd in front of us. "I'll see you..." Her voice trailed off as her eyes locked on somebody, and I followed her gaze.

There, in the middle of the crowd, right in the center, was a face I knew. A face that I have seen more often in the last months than I have in the last few years. My friend.

"Is that Choi..."

"Taek?" I finished for her before nodding, a smile curving on my lips. "Yep, that's him."

Affection coursed through me as I beheld my old friend's handsome face, as innocent now as the day we first met. The feeling of familiarity brought on a surge of warmth and unmistakable joy from seeing someone who reminded me of home. And of him, the one I no longer saw.

Taek waved at me and whatever pleasure I had been feeling dissipated and was replaced by something else. Something I didn't want to name.

Uneasiness.

Taek was standing there, smiling like he always did. He had a bouquet of roses in his hands.

I shifted on my seat, looking around me in curiosity, wondering why Taek came to get me at the airport. And why we were now sitting in a fancy hotel restaurant, the silverware gleaming so brightly it made me uncomfortable.

Taek smiled at me as the server delivered some water, then handed us both menus. I tried to read what was in front of me, grateful for the fact that my profession required that I learn English. No more playing charades with my sentences these days.

"Do you like the flowers?" Taek asked and I lifted my eyes to see him looking at me with an expression on his face unlike anything I'd ever seen before. "My coach told me that girls, no matter the age, love flowers."

I tried to muster up a smile, feared it came out as a grimace, instead. I kept my eyes on what I was reading in front of me, but Taek was making me nervous. Him, and this place and these roses, I thought, wishing I could pluck the bouquet now sitting on the table and hide them somewhere.

"Have you decided what you wanted to order?" He asked, meeting my eyes over his menu.

"I'm not really hungry," I said. "Maybe just a salad?"

"You're always hungry," he teased.

I grinned, bashful. "Yeah, but this," I whispered, "Is not really my style. If you wanted to eat out we could have just met at a cafe or something. That's what we always did before."

"I didn't want to do what we always did before today," he said quietly.

I blinked at him, waited for him to explain, but the server came and took our orders. When he made no move to resume our conversation, I pried. "How did you know what time I was coming back?"

"No Eul told me," he answered. "I wanted to catch you before you came home." He took a sip of his water. "I never would have been able to speak to you otherwise."

His last sentence was delivered so softly I wondered if he meant for me to hear it at all. I kept my eyes fixed on the empty plate before me, then to the bread basket in the middle of the table. My apprehension about what this whole thing was about and why Taek was acting this way suddenly made me ravenous and I grabbed a roll, clumsily buttering it before shoving it into my mouth.

Taek watched me wordlessly, looking almost amused. When our meal came, he picked up his utensils and began to eat. The classical music playing in the restaurant, I'm sure meant to merely be a minor distraction, began to grate on me as the silence lengthened.

I had just helped myself to another forkful of salad when Taek spoke.

"Deok Sun-ah," he said, the tone in his voice sounding strangely reminiscent of Jung Hwan's voice the night he jokingly confessed. I realized that Taek was about to do the same and it gave me pause, made the butterflies in my belly run amok. Would he be joking too? Would this matter? Before I could examine this further, he carried on. "I like you."

I discovered with a jolt that unlike how I had felt when Jung Hwan said those same words, a kind of nervous, excited fluttering; now I felt something akin to dread.

"I'm saying I like you," he said.

His face was eager, clearly waiting for an answer. I could not give him one.

There was once a time when I longed to hear those words. Not necessarily from Taek, but from anyone, my affections seemingly as fickle as the wind. I went with whatever option seemed to guarantee reciprocity, always afraid of taking the first step myself.

I liked Sun Woo because I thought he liked me. I tried to treat Jung Hwan the same way, banishing him from my heart when I thought he did not feel the same. I wondered if Taek realized that about me, too... whether he thought if he told me he liked me, that I would be hard pressed not to like him back. Because that's always been my pattern. That's what I used to do.

Taek was a good person. Kind and giving, almost oblivious to his good traits. Taek was my friend. He might have been a perfectly acceptable option, an even above average option for me, had I still been the girl that I used to be.

Taek was someone I loved, but not the person I was in love with.

Love? I thought, my hands clamming up. Was I in love with Jung Hwan?

"I'm sorry," I blurted, my mind racing. I'm in love with Jung Hwan? No. I blinked and saw Jung Hwan's face that night, the sadness in his eyes almost palpable, seeping through my veins. It knocked the wind out of me and I felt my face pale. "I'm sorry."

I could only utter those words as I burst into tears, perhaps only realizing just now how much I needed to hear those words again from someone else, what I would give to hear those words again from Jung Hwan. I tried to stop crying, except I had a feeling I was now beginning to understand why Jung Hwan didn't trust me with his heart and it made me cry even harder.

Taek could only look at me, his eyes filled with worry. "What's wrong, Deok Sun-ah?"

I covered my face with my napkin... there was no easy way to do this. And Taek... was someone who always needed things spelled out for him. I cannot have him misunderstand. "I... don't want to hurt you," I said haltingly, my voice sounding heavy. "But I don't want to lie to you either, so I'll just tell it like it is," I said, unable to look at him. "You're my friend and I care a lot about you, but I don't feel the same way." I swallowed as tears started falling again. "Don't hate me. Please don't hate me."

Taek looked at me in confusion, as if unsure what to say. I didn't want to see him hurt, would do anything to prevent that from happening, but I can't help not feeling for him what he feels for me.

"Deok Sun-ah," he said gently. "I could never hate you." He took a deep breath. "But just because you don't feel the same way about me now doesn't mean you never will. If you give me a chance, maybe you'll see me as more than a friend. If you give me a chance, we could be happy."

I was already shaking my head before he even finished speaking. "No," I said. "There would be no going back for us. There'd be no undoing it." Even as I spoke, I knew that I meant something else, too. This was not just about our friendship. This was about something bigger than this... one that would have consequences. One that could change the direction of my life. I knew, deep in my heart that saying yes to Taek, even for the time being, even if it was just to protect him, would mean losing Jung Hwan forever.

Just the thought alone was enough to steal the air from my body.

Taek continued watching me, his gaze veiled. And I knew. I knew that my honesty had caused him pain, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was vaguely aware that things may never be the same between us again. He looked down at his plate, appearing to be lost in his own thoughts.

"Taek-ah," I said. "I'm sorry."

He looked up at me, a small sad smile on his face. "I know."