DATE: MAY 15, 2014

Tao's POV (6:46 PM)

I can't. I can't do this. I really really miss Gege. My Gege. 

How will I know if he's okay? How will he know that we know the truth if we are not allowed to say it? 

Ohh Ge...

I wish my powers were real so I could turn back time and spend more time with you and make things easier for you Ge. I don't know what to do, I want to be there for you Ge. Just like those times when I was so scared to go alone and you were always there to accompany me. Ge.. I haven't even told you how thankful I am for having you.... and.. and how I have always loved you. But now, I feel so alone Ge.. I know you'll never really leave me..

You won't forget about me, and you'll still be watching over me- ohhh right! I know you'll be keeping an eye on our updates!

I found a piece of paper. 

Now, what am I going to say to him? It has to be short so that he can easily read it, since I will immediately delete this afterwards. Hopefully hyung-nim won't notice. I know that he will read between the lines and know that we already know the truth. Hopefully our fans will too.

After a minute...

"Hey Tao! What did you just do???" reacted Chanyeol.

"What? Nothing hyung, I didn't do anything" I said, trying to act innocently.

"Oh you just did, I saw your post on weibo kid!" exclaimed Luhan-ge.

"Tao, hyung-nim clearly said to not post anything that can harm the image of our agency!" snapped Chen.

"Yes hyung, but he didn't said that I can't post how I feel." I retorted. 

"Tao, you obviously implied it." Chanyeol argued.

"Hyung, Kris-ge would be alone right now, believing about what we posted on our weibo and Instagram accounts." answering Chen hyung's outburst.

"Tao, we shouldn't let our emotions cloud our actions right now, we have a lot of problems without you adding more." even Baekhyun hyung is upset now.

"But hyung-" 

"Everyone! Let's drop this, shall we? Let's focus on our practice. You Tao, make up for what you did a while ago." Suho hyung commanded.

"How?"

"I don't know. But do something before we get scolded okay?" replied Suho hyung.

I don't know what to do now. But one thing is clear to me. I won't do anything that will hurt Ge's feelings again.

(7:12 PM)

Practice just ended. It was tiresome. I can't seem to concentrate and get the positions right. 

I kept spacing out. I made a lot of mistakes and was scolded the whole time. 

I know I should be focusing my mind on what we were doing but my mind is on a different place right now. I need to feel something or this emptiness will swallow me. 

I head to the window. The coldness of the night might clear up my mind. Through the blinds, I saw that a lot of fans are outside, more of them than usual. Right. They knew about Ge. Looking around, now it's only me, Lay hyung and Chanyeol hyung inside the room. I have been very distracted I didn't even notice the other members leaving. 

I feel so sad right now that I can't seem to hold it. Sadness is too heavy, and it's spilling in my eyes. Ge...

"Tao what are you doing?" Chanyeol hyung broke my thoughts.

"Lay hyung, can you please turn off the lights?" I requested.

"What?... Why?" asked Lay hyung.

"Please hyung?" 

"Ohh.. Okay." Lay hyung assented.

The lights turned off.

Slowly, I slightly opened the window. The fans voices are so loud even from up here.

Then, without realizing it, I started singing. This seemed the most natural thing to do. It seems that this is the only way to express how I feel right now. 

Eventually, Lay hyung and Chanyeol hyung joined me.

It turned into a sad song. The song wasn't supposed to be sad, but it relieved our memories together as 12 members, as we may never be again.

Slowly, we started to cry. Being ordered to keep our silence, the three of us can only express how we truly feel through music. I wanted to sing until all the sadness and longing will seep out of me, until my voice goes out, but it never does. I don't think it ever will. This pain is like a black hole clawing its way out of my heart. A black hole in my Ge's galaxy. 

I started to sing my heart out, to stop feeling anything, everything. 

Eventually the song ends. As it always does.

I feel drained and empty. The black hole has eventually taken everything in me. 

I'm carrying this crushing hole of emptiness that nothing, but Ge, can fill.

                                    ~XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoX~

END OF CHAPTER: EXO – 3

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