The blue card falls from my trembling fingers and slowly swirls down. I hear Rim gasp and feel his warm hand on my shoulder. With a lump in my throat, I turn toward the boy. He smiles sadly and shrugs his shoulders. 'It is what it is' Fear leaks through in his voice. He removes his hand from my shoulder, and a chilly emptiness remains. 'I'm sorry you have to play.' The words leave my mouth softly. His lips pull into a smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes. 'You are strong and smart; I have full confidence that you will come back.'

He looks at me. The green eyes radiate distress. 'I was not ready to say goodbye yet. I would have liked to know more about you.' I smile shyly. The kind words make me feel warm. It's strange how quickly you can get attached to someone you've just met. 'This isn't a goodbye. You'll just come back later, and we can talk for hours.' He tilts his head and looks at me searchingly. 'Tell me one more thing about you, just to be sure. If this is the last time I talk to you after all.'

I look at him in surprise. What are you supposed to tell someone when they might die very soon? I blurt out the first thing that pops into my head. 'I sleep with socks in bed.' He looks at me in surprise and chuckles. 'Good to know.' The corners of my mouth curl up and I run a hand through my hair. It stays quiet between us for a while. Time ticks away mercilessly. We have two minutes left. Rim lowers his head and stretches. 'Maybe we should go downstairs again,' he suggests. I nod and wait for him to climb down the steps. Then I climb down after him.

Mira stands on the ground with the blue ticket clutched between her fingers. An anxious expression rests on her face. 'Is it real? Do you really have to play the game?' Li asks carefully. Rim grimaces and nods. 'But don't worry, Ashley said I'm coming back, and if she says so, it must be true.' Mira casts me an inquiring look when Rim says my full name. I smile at his words.

A line has formed at the door; the line counts nineteen children. With Rim added, twenty. How many will return later? Will Rim return? I press my nails into the palm of my hand to calm myself. The last thing anyone could use right now is a crying Ash. And Mira mustn't think I'm weak. Rim walks over to Mira and presses something small into her hands. With a smile, she puts the object in her pocket. He bends down and whispers something in her ear. Her face becomes serious and she nods. He straightens up and smiles at the young girl.

'Thank you,' I hear Mira say, the rest of the words too soft to understand. Rim walks over to Li and whispers something in her ear as well. She casts me a quick glance and then nods fiercely. Meanwhile, she wiggles her eyebrows at me meaningfully. I chuckle and raise my eyebrow teasingly. Rim straightens up and Li's face smoothes again. 'Good luck later,' she says and gives him a quick hug.

Then he approaches my side and grabs my hand. I drown in the green eyes with tiny gold speckles. 'You know this isn't a goodbye. It's just a see you later,' I whisper. I don't trust my voice one bit; it feels way too shaky. He just nods. 'And don't forget to rebel against the mayor. You know, that whole moral plan. It may be too late for me, but it's not too late for you.' He sets his gaze on the ground and then I feel his warm arms around my back. Willingly I let myself be pulled into the hug, wrapping my arms around him.

'It's not too late for you either, you know that.' The words tickle against my ear. I tiptoe to whisper in his ear as well. 'We both know I would kill anyone for Mira. So yes, it's already too late for me. You still have a chance to be a good person.' He shakes his head and gently pushes me away from him. Immediately I miss the warmth of his body. He looks at me insistently. 'I think you are a good person Ashley. Maybe a little scary, but good.' Suddenly shy, I lower my eyes. He takes a step back and his hand slips from mine. 'See you later.' With a lump in my throat, I look at the kind boy. 'See you later.' 

He waves briefly to Mira and Li, turns around and joins the back of the line. The clock has ticked down. There are still so many things I would like to tell him, but fate won't allow it. I can only hope he returns safely. Slowly, I take a step back to stand next to Mira and Li. Li's hand slips into mine and she gives it a small squeeze. The line begins to move and the doorway swallows the terrified teenagers. Fortunately, I don't really know people besides Rim who have to play right now. Only Gianna, the girl who sleeps under my bed. And someone who was in the top twenty also has to participate.

I feel like my heart is contracting as Rim bravely walks through the door, heading for his death. He deserved more than dying in a gruesome game. He has something most kids here don't have. A pure heart. It will probably cost him his life. The door closes with a bang behind the twenty children. Mira leans against me and I feel my shirt getting wet. Surprised, I sink down to crouch. Is she crying? 'Hey, Mi, what's wrong?' I brush away the tears sliding down her cheeks with my thumb. She shrugs her shoulders, sobbing. 'I don't know.'

Her lower lip quivers and she avoids my gaze. 'Are you afraid he won't come back?' It takes her a while to respond to my words, then she nods slowly. 'It's just that Levi hasn't come back, and now he's leaving, too. Maybe soon you'll be gone too, and so will Li, then I'll be all alone.' The little girl stands trembling in front of me. Her hands are tucked deep into her pockets. 'I'm not going anywhere. We got here together, and we'll get out of here together. I do have faith that Rim will come back alive.' Mira seems to ponder my words for a while. 'Do you really think so?' The words softly leave her lips.

I nod smiling, ignoring the pain gnawing at my chest. 'Yes, really. Rim is strong, and smart and athletic. He'll be back soon, just like that.' Mira looks at me. Tears glisten in her big blue eyes. I stand up and put my arms around the girl. 'You don't have to be afraid, it'll be all right.' She gently pushes me away from her and takes a step back. 'Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I'm just tired.' The words sound flat. She refuses to look at me and turns around. I exchange a worried look with Li.

'Mira, wait a minute. Why are you running away?' With large strides, I walk after her and grab her shoulder. She knocks my hand off her shoulder and angrily takes a step back. 'Stay away from me.' Her eyes spit fire and she turns around again. Confusion spreads through my body. Why is she suddenly so angry? She climbs the steps, and I grab her lower leg. 'Hold it. What are you doing?' Furious, she stops climbing. 'Leave me alone Ash. I don't need your help. You're only making everything worse. So leave me alone.' A deep stab of pain shoots through my heart. 'Sorry? The words leave my mouth in disbelief.

She pulls her leg up so I have to let go of her. 'You heard me right. Now leave me alone.' She climbs away from me. I look after her speechlessly. Her words seem to pierce right through my shield and surge through my body. Does she really think that? It gets too much for me when I see Li's pitying look. 'Don't look like that. Please.' Mira's words hurt me more than I want to admit, and Li's look makes it a thousand times worse. With red cheeks, I watch the little girl climb furiously into her bed. Within seconds, she is out of my sight.

I don't know what to do next. How dares she say I'm making everything worse? And why is she coming up with this now? If something is bothering her, she should express it earlier. She can suck it. Stupid child. Tears burn behind my eyes and I scorn my weakness. I push my nails deep into my palm until the half-moons begin to bleed. With large strides, I walk to the toilets, leaving an uncomfortable Li behind. My fists tighten and relax. The door slams shut behind me with a bang. A girl stares at me with big eyes and then hurries out of the toilets.

Angrily, I look into the mirror. I can't help it either that Mira is here. The only thing I can do for her is to help her. But if she won't let me, I can't even do anything about the fact that she will die. Just like me. Just like everyone here. Frustrated tears escape from my eyes. One moment she needs to cry and wants to be hugged, and the next she is suddenly furious. With a quick motion, I run my hand past my eyes. Crying over this is weak. And although Mira can't see me now, and I don't want to see her at all now, I still can't give up my resolution to stay strong. I take a deep breath, forcing my troubled breathing to a regular pace. 

There is a soft knock on the door and then Li carefully pokes her head into the restroom. When she sees that I am alone she walks in. The door falls shut behind her, the sound echoing between us. She slumps silently against the wall and wraps her arms around her legs. I can't quite cope with the silence that reigns. Why is she here? Has she come to make fun of me because my sister was acting so stupid? Or is she coming to throw some kind of pity party. I don't need either. Then she can fuck off.

'You're here.' I cross my arms and wait for her reaction. She nods. Although I examine her gaze closely, I fail to detect pity. 'I'm here now, for you. That's something friends do for each other.' Suspiciously, I look at her. What kind of strange game is she playing? Is she going to laugh at me later? Yet her lips do not curl up smiling. A serious facial expression rests on her face. 'Ash, I don't know what you're thinking right now, but I promise you I'm sitting here with good intentions. I just want to help you.'

My mouth forms into a pained grimace. 'According to Mira, I'm only making everything worse, so I don't think you want to help me.' Mira's words haunt my head, don't leave me alone for a second. Li shakes her head and pats the ground beside her. 'So far you haven't made anything worse for me at all, you've actually improved my time here. Come sit next to me, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. But you must get some rest, otherwise you won't be able to think clearly.' I frown. 'I mustn't do a single damn thing.' Still, I walk over to the girl and sink to the ground beside her.

The stones are icy cold against my heated body. The cold helps me calm my raging thoughts. Li is not my enemy, she is just a friend. She just wants to help. 'Sorry,' I mutter. The words are almost too soft to catch, but Li hears them anyway. She puts her arm around me. I slide closer to the warm girl. 'You don't have to say sorry for anything. Do you want to talk about what just happened with Mira?' My face twitches and I rest my head on my knees. Li doesn't know a lot about Mira. She has no idea that Mira was touched in the locker rooms, or how she reacted to it.

It practically has to be that Mira's outburst had to do with that. The behavior a little while ago does not fit the girl I know. And Mira just lost Levi, and now Rim is on his way to his game, too. Maybe her behavior is understandable. That she is taking it all out on me. But it does hurt me. Her words hurt. 'It's complicated, a fucking shit show.' I cast Li a quick glance, fearing to see a judgmental look.

Li shrugs her shoulders and looks at me with kind eyes. Her gaze deafens the last of the doubts running through my mind. 'I am a specialist in shit shows.'