My face was plastered with a smile. I was sure that if I would look in the mirror it would literally be reaching my eyes. Internally I was fighting a strong urge of inching my fingers close to my lips which were still tingling after leaving that peck on Belle's cheek.

Why the hell am I acting like a hormonal teenage girl? Ethan my boy remind yourself who you are.

But even as that thought crosses my mind I can't help but chuckle thinking about the moment in the mall when I joked about her owing me kisses. Thinking back to what I said before I left, I feel extremely stupid now and want to bash my head against the steering wheel. She is probably confused as to what I meant but if I am able to keep that promise I am sure as hell she will be even more confused.

Earlier today it was clear to me that Belle had no family dinner especially when she herself forgot about it. I knew what Emma was trying to do and I didn't really see how it would help. Spending time with me was not going to make Belle like me. I don't know what Emma expects to happen but none the less I like spending time with Belle. So, even though I want to kill my sister for setting this up, I am glad she did it.

Whenever I am with Belle I feel like an aerated airhead. She makes me forget that I am an eighteen-year-old on a normal school day and not a four-year-old on Christmas. I wish I could just tell her how I feel and forget about the complications.

Complications, the one thing which I tried to avoid has made everything even more complicated. When I had realized how I felt about Belle, I had avoided my feelings like plague, thinking how she would never reciprocate them. But they had become unavoidable when I couldn't even handle seeing her with other guys. Needing to distract myself and my complicated feelings, the path which I had taken then has just made everything so much more complicated now. After all, I don't think Belle would be falling for a so called 'player' anytime soon. I think she is more into the dorky and charming men. Someone who gets her jokes. Someone who will be there for her. Someone she can trust. Someone who is simple and not the captain of football team. Someone who is not like me.

The next thought was one which I didn't want to come, 'maybe someone like Noah.'

Noah. Just thinking about him made my blood boil. He never can mind his own business, loves the gossip especially when he can make it spicier, no wonder he wants to go into journalism. But what I hate more is that he obviously likes Belle and Belle being Belle will never figure that out. Like how she will never figure out the number of times Noah has taken credit for doing something I did. Not like I can point it out because again, complications.

During practice today when Jessica was trying her best to flirt and capture my attention I wanted to look up at Belle and make a face to display my annoyance, knowing how she would laugh at that. Instead when I looked at the bleachers, I saw her attention being dedicated to the devil himself.

I saw red, especially when Noah made an eye contact with me and smirked. I felt fury rage in my veins but what was stronger than this anger was the way my heart clenched. I felt pain as if I was losing Belle and that scared me. I wasn't scared of losing her, I was scared of never having her and I was scared that this pain of seeing her with someone else will never die down.

Next thing I did was kissing Jessica, I wish I had enjoyed it so that I would know that it would go away. So that I would know that I will not always feel this way but I didn't enjoy it, I don't know if it will go away. Ever.

I am brought out of my thoughts as my phone rings with notification.

I check the message from coach Durham asking the team to come to his house. Leaving a sigh, I turn my car around to the place where my whole team would be in less than ten minutes.

I reach at the same time as Callum.

"Any idea why he called us?" he asks me as he gets out of his car.

"I am just as clueless as you."

"Very captain-y." he mocks as I slap the back of his head.

Before I can knock on the door, Liza opens it.

"Oh, good you are here, everybody is waiting." She says as she walks back into the house with us following her into the living room where everybody else was sitting around and chatting.

"Where is Durham?" Callum reads my mind.

Liza is about to explain, "He is – "

"Right here." The thick voice which belongs to coach Durham catches everybody's attention as all the chattering stops and coach enters. He has a serious expression on his face as he waits for us to settle down before he starts,

"I called you all here because the dates of the tournament have been finalised. You all know the rules and regulations already so that's not we are going to discuss that. Your first match is on the 31st October, that is two weeks from now followed by the second match on 2nd November and the third on the 4th November." Hearing the dates, I feel relieved and excited but also anxious. I wait for him to continue to know who do we have the match with.

"First match is with Pine High, the second with Duncan and the third with Kolton."

"What about EPS?" Harper asks the question we all are thinking.

"There are six teams and only four will go to semi-finals. You are lucky you don't have EPS against you in round 1 but," coach's eyes connect with mine, "you better be prepared for them if you get into the further rounds. That being said the practice on Fridays will recommence and I better see each one of you in the field there every Saturday morning at 6:30, not hungover." He says with finality in his voice making most of us groan, most of us didn't include me.

I had been waiting the whole year for this time to come. I hadn't only wanted it, I needed it. I couldn't wait to be sweaty and have my body hurting. Because even though I would not be able to feel anything at least I will have the knowledge of what I am doing and I needed that. I needed to know what I am doing in some part of my life at least.

With a few more warnings and reminders coach finally let us go, "Everybody leave, Lancaster, Durbey, Williams, Collins stay." Coach called.

Arnold, Eddie, Freya and I waited for everyone to leave before he began again, "There will be scouts and you know that already."

Oh shit! I had forgotten that this time it's not only about playing it's also about our future.

"You four are the ones applying for football scholarships and careers and I want your best play on the field. Let me know when to expect who and you all better get in. Now go."

I could see nervousness on Freya's face as she realized the intensity of the matches she will be playing. Arnold and Eddie too gave each other the looks as if the pressure was already killing them. Me on the other hand was wishing I could feel that way.

I waited as everybody left to talk to Durham, who was now looking at me waiting for me to say what I had been planning to tell him but had conveniently forgotten over the last month.

"Speak up boy, at least before I die."

Taking a deep breath, I finally say, "Coach, I don't think so I will be expecting any scouts. The colleges I have applied to won't be requiring that."

"What do you mean?" He blasts, clear anger in his voice, "All the good places where you should apply will be sending scouts and you know it. So, you tell me Ethan Lancaster why should my best player not be expecting any? Especially when that is all I have been hearing since you came under me."

I agree with him, I should be expecting scouts, I should be dying for one of them to pick me, I should still be filling his ears about going to the best and being the best but I can't do that, not anymore. And I don't know how to explain that to him when I can't even accept the reason myself.

When I don't say anything Durham speaks, "Ethan I am not going to let you go after you tell me that the one player I am sure will get whichever scholarship or college he wants won't even be applying to the ones which are meant for him. I don't get why you are doing this. You clearly haven't thought this through so think again and talk to me tomorrow. It's not late yet."

"Coach I have thought this through, more than what you expect and a night is not going to change my decision. I have applied where I need to and I cannot discuss this any further."

With this being said I turn to walk away before he can stop me, only faltering when he asks, "Does Emma know?"

Without another word I am out of there and in my car driving home. I was furious. He didn't have any right asking me if I had told Emma. What does he even mean? Idiot coach Durham.

With my thoughts against him racing in my mind, I raced my car and realized it was not him I was furious with, it was me. I was angry with myself because Emma didn't know.

I hadn't told her; I didn't even ask her and I had practically lied to her. I shouldn't do this to her especially when she will find out eventually. She will find out and be disappointed. And even though she will have an inner relief she will hate herself for it. I know I have to tell her and before the tournament if I don't want her wishing me best of luck thinking my whole future is lying on the field.

But when? Whenever I will it will still make her feel bad.

I can't waste our time fighting or being sad. I have to do it today and get over with it. If I do it today then I will have more time convincing her, the more I delay it the less I can do to make it better.

I will do it today, today but not now.

With that in my mind I drive around the city, trying my best to ignore the future. But apparently, I am not that good at ignoring because by the time all the thoughts leave my head its eleven at night. So maybe I am not that bad at ignoring, see how I didn't even notice the time? I am pretty sure I won't have to face my parents once I am home because Emma must have made an excuse but I am pretty sure I will have to face Emma. I will have to face her and tell her,

'Hey there sis! So, you know what I did? I did the one thing you asked me not to. I didn't apply to my dream college. Instead I applied at places near you. And you don't need to feel bad about that because I am happier that way. Woohoo!'

Rolling my eyes, I pull up in the driveway, still hesitating to get inside. Finally mustering up some courage I enter my house. Its dark and no lights are on in the hallway so I assume my parents have slept. Feeling relief at that I quickly move towards the kitchen.

What? I didn't have dinner and would like some food in my system before I go have 'the conversation' with my very argumentative sister.

I switch on the kitchen lights and turn around to feel my heart stop. "AAAHHHH!"

I shout finding Emma at the kitchen counter. "Its just you. You scared m-"

I am saying that when I feel my mustered courage go down the drain as I see her watery red eyes as she quickly wipes her tears.

I move towards her feeling my own heart go heavy. Fuck that idiot who says guys don't have emotions.

"Ethan." Emma says with a warning in her tone telling me to not talk to her about it.

"Emma, what's wrong?"

"Just drop it, okay?"

"I am sorry but I am not dropping it." Realizing something I ask her, "Is it....is it the headache? You said you had one today, at the moment I thought you were just joking. Oh my god! I am such an idiot. I should ha- "

"Ethan stop." Emma says taking my hands and pulling them away from my hair.

"It's not that." She says looking in my eyes so that the message delivers.

Leaving a sigh I ask her, "What is it?

"Its fine Ethan."

"Shut up Em. You crying is not fine, not to me, okay?"

I know her. She will try to show she is all brave and mighty and nothing makes a difference but inside she is really facing an earthquake. She will not want to talk and stuff all her thoughts in one place. Even when her dam is full, she will not let anyone see it break. I was lucky that way, I was lucky because she couldn't help but let her thoughts free around me and that was the reason she doesn't want me here now. Because if she lets those thoughts out then not only will I hear them but she herself will have to hear them too.

"Ethan I- " looking her in the eye I notice her plans change as she continues, "I can't do this anymore."

Letting the shackles holding her back go away she looks at me, tired and confused with more tears brimming her eyes.

"I thought it will all be easy. With mum and dad, with Belle, with everyone, I thought keeping masks up will be easy and it is but I don't know if I can wear a mask around Jake. The whole day," She stops to swallow, "The whole day I have been pretending and telling myself I like it, that I like acting like nothing's changed, acting like I am still me and Jake is still Jake. But I don't like it! I don't like pretending that Jake is back because even though he might be here, my Jake is not back. It's killing me to not ask if he is fine and let him know I am here. Reminding myself that that is not staying away. It's not like he cares either and what is ripping me apart is that I am relieved of that. I am relieved that he doesn't care to talk to me, I am relieved that he doesn't want me to care because that makes it easier. It makes it easier to have my mask on around him. But easier doesn't lessen any difficulty, its only time before it slips because I don't think I am strong enough to keep it on. I thought it would be easy to do this you know? And it was easy, it was easy when he was not here. It was easy to stay away when he himself was away. Do you know what I did today? I offered him a ride back home! That is not staying away, that is letting it all slip and I can't have that Ethan." I am looking straight at her eyes and its so painful to see her tears not stop and not even saying anything but I know I need to let her finish first, "He can't know. He can't know. He just can't. Ethan he can't"

I hold her head to make her eyes look into mine as I tell her, "I know Emma, I know you don't want him to and we will do everything to avoid it ok? I know it's difficult but I also know that you don't let anything stop you from getting what you want and I promise to be with you every step of the way. I know how strong you and your will power are and I have full faith in what you do. You have been keeping it all inside and it was time you let it out, even if Jake triggered it, it was long due."

She nods her head with more tears pouring out. After a moment she asks me in a small voice, "Ethan, am I strong enough for this? I know I will never stop loving him but shouldn't loving him be enough to let him go? Shouldn't being nonchalant come naturally by now?" she leaves a humorless chuckle, "Why couldn't I be normal and just hate him for leaving and get my energy from there?"

"Emma, I know it doesn't feel like rainbows and unicorns, trust me I do but like you have told me a hundred times before it is inevitable. Whatever is happening, you couldn't avoid it right? So, let that be that. You have me and we both will get through this. It won't be easy but hey where is the fun in that? Anyways if it were that simple and non-dramatic it wouldn't be you. You need that drama and you thrive on it." I try to lighten her mood up.

As she chuckles to that, I can see her feel better and lighter now that her heart has emptied its content. She wipes her tears which have finally stopped and leaves a deep breath before looking back at me with some life back in her eyes,

"You know right that this was just me letting it out, you don't need to go all philosophical on me."

I roll my eyes as I give her a tight hug.

"Feeling better?"

"Definitely."

"So, you know what I realized from all of that?"

"What?"

"Option one was a fail, time to move to option two."

"You know what I am just going to avoid him and skip option two."

"The 'ignorance is bliss' it is!"

Getting her infamous eyeroll back I let myself smile at whatever normalcy we have back.

"Ethan." She looks at me with a troubledexpression and I wonder what else is worrying her, "I would really like some Frenchfries and Krispy Kreme's glazed donuts right now."