Taylor picked you up and as soon as you jumped inside the car she immediately knew that you had a rough day at the treatment center. Your eyes were swollen, it was evident that you had been crying.

-"Hey Baby" she said, stroking your shoulder.

-"Hey Tay'' you said, looking away from her.

You didn't want her to lecture you about the weight loss.  You didn't want her to notice you had been crying either. It had been a tough day: lunch went horrible because everything was so oily, although you managed to only be given 1 supplement to make up for what you didn't eat. However, your belly was so bloated, you felt like your pants were going to tear. You still didn't share much in the group therapies, but today Cassie said something about wanting to get better to travel around the world and it hit you: you felt like you didn't have any dreams or things to get better for. Then Dr. Sach told you about the absolute exercise prohibition and she told you that she knew that you were using compensation behaviors, even when you didn't admit it. Then the afternoon snack was another supplement (which only made your bloating worse) and whole wheat toasts with peanut butter and a green apple. You ate it all, but now you wanted to disappear.

-"So, don't be mad but I saw you were looking on instagram to those paintings kits, so I bought a paint-by-numbers painting for us to do together, what do you think about it" Taylor said.

You felt so guilty. You thought that Taylor was going to lecture you, when all she did was finding new ways of spending time with you, doing things that you liked. All she wanted to do was to support you.

-"I'd love that. THANK YOU TAY! I really wanted to try it!" You replied excitedly.

Once you got home you sat down to paint with Taylor while listening to some music, you were having so much fun until Taylor said it was time for dinner. You told her how much your belly hurt and you showed her how bloated you were, so she agreed to make some soup for the both of you. You had 3/4 of the plate before giving up. Taylor didn't push much because she saw how sick you felt, you both kept painting until it was time for bed. You didn't exercise, yet you felt so full, but your belly hurt so much that you just couldn't do it. After about half an hour of trying to fall asleep but failing, you went to Taylor's room to see what she was up to, she was actually scrolling on her phone with most of the lights off, but sat immediately as she saw her door opening.

-"What's wrong? Are you okay Liz?"

-"Yeah.. I just couldn't sleep. My belly hurts so much, I'm going to explode. Can I sleep with you?" You asked.

-"Sure you can! Come here. Bloating is normal in recovery baby, it sucks but it will go away" she said as she made a gesture with her hand to get you to know you could jump into her bed.

You slept with her and the next morning you woke up to go to school. When you were showering you got so dizzy, you almost passed out, but you managed to hold yourself against the wall, however you almost fell down and made a loud noise to avoid hitting your head. Taylor heard and panicked.

-"What's wrong? Are you okay Lizzie?"

-"Yeah, I got dizzy but I'm fine. Don't worry" you answered.

-"Are you done showering? What are you doing right now?"

-"No, I'm almost done. Don't worry, Tay" you said trying to hold yourself against the wall.

Taylor battled for a few seconds between opening the door or waiting for you to come out by your own means. She finally ran to your mom's bedroom to get your bathroom's keys to open the door just to come back and find you sitting wrapped in your towel sitting in your bed. She quickly hid the key inside her pocket.

-"What happened?" She asked

-"I don't know, everything went blurry and then it was just spinning" you answered, drinking water from your bottle.

-"Maybe you shouldn't go to school today, Lizzie" she suggested

-"What? No! Nonsense. I'm fine. I just need to have breakfast and I'm good to go. I don't want to lose any more classes than I absolutely have to" you said.

-"Okay. But at least let me drive you to school" the blonde said.

-"Fine" you accepted.

It took you a few minutes to feel well enough again to stand up on your own, throw your uniform on and go downstairs. Taylor made some scrambled Neapolitan eggs with toasts, banana as fruit and natural yogurt for drink. You sat down and made your way through breakfast slowly, but determined to eat it all. For the first time you actually felt like your body could give up, that dizziness episode in the shower scared you a lot.

Taylor drove you to school but texted Lou to take extra care of you, she didn't say much but mentioned that you got dizzy before school and was afraid that you could faint again. She left you at school, started the car and went home to work on some things she needed..
At recess time Lou offered some peanuts she was eating, which you politely declined, but was gladly surprised when you said:

-"No thanks, but I could have some fruit maybe? I mean, I've got to eat something anyway"

They were so happy but made sure to show no emotion, you went to the cafeteria and grabbed a pear, ate it slowly, but finished it in the end. Lou texted Taylor telling her that you had a morning snack and she was so happy too. She picked you up at 12pm and as soon as you got in the car you said:

-"I did something today..."

-"What did you do?" She asked doubting you were going to tell her about the recovery win you had.  But you did.

-"I ate a pear for morning snack, I never ever eat morning snack at school" you said almost whispering, you knew it was a good thing but you felt guilty too. After saying that, it hit you: you have been lying to your mom, doctors and Taylor about having morning snacks at school since the eating disorder stuff blew up. Would Taylor catch the lie or would she ignore it?

-"That's great baby! I'm so proud of you" she said giving you a side hug.

-"I don't know why but I'm feeling happy and guilty at the same time. Like, I know it should be a good thing and I did it because I got so scared this morning with the shower incident but I can't stop thinking about how it will affect my body. What if I get fat? Cause I ate... but I still have to eat lunch, and then afternoon snack with supplement today and then dinner"as you finished talking you were slowly spiralling into a panic attack.

-"Shhhh, it's okay Liz. You are okay. Eating morning snack was a great step, I know it took lots of strength for you to do it. Recovery is about baby steps making huge ones. Do not focus on all the meals that you have left, but just on the next one. Baby steps. But, you have to keep in mind that 1) eating a pear does not even meet your meal plan requirement for morning snack, it's a step but you have to keep in mind that it's not enough and 2) you still have to eat for the rest of the day even if you had morning snack. I get that it's the first time in a long time. It sucks but if you keep pushing through these feelings, the anxiety and guilt will ease. I promise"

Of course Taylor caught the lie but knew that it was a great step for you to talk about the guilt  you were feeling. She thought that talking about your multiple lies about having morning snack at school was too much, at least for right now.

You just stared at Taylor with tears in your eyes and thanked her. You hugged for a while and then she took you to the treatment center.
Taylor thought it was going to be a good day, but the guilt of having morning snack (even if it was just a pear) plus the bloating, made you so body conscious that you couldn't eat anymore. At 6pm Dr. Maine called Taylor in, cause you spent all afternoon sitting down in the dining room, refusing to drink any of your supplements. You managed to eat half of your lunch but refused to drink the supplement to make up for the other half, you also ate half of your afternoon snack but refused to drink the supplement and the other half of the afternoon snack. Taylor did her best to support you, but an hour later they gave up at the treatment center and let you go home as long as you promised to eat a complete dinner, one that fulfilled the meal plan requirements. You did and then went off to sleep. Taylor was exhausted, she decided to call Andrea to update her on how things were going:

-"I don't know mom, I feel like maybe we should explore a residential treatment, she's not making much progress in this outpatient program" Taylor said crying.

Hey! Sorry for not updating yesterday, school has got me busy these days. I'd like to know what you're thinking of the story so far. I'm trying to portray how, at least for me, everything got worse before it actually got better in recovery. I want to show that mental battle I went through with wanting to get better, like one step forward, then two steps back. But if you'd like for Lizzie to get better sooner, tell me about it and I can make it happen! Xoxo