Lexa entered her home just as the clock hit 7:30.
She had a wonderful time with Clarke.. And would have stayed out longer but the girl was practically falling asleep.
They went to a park. Telling stories about their parents and their childhoods.

"When I was five my mom made me take guitar lessons.. I picked it up really quickly but for some reason.. I, for the life of me.. Couldn't perform for anyone.. It gave me really bad anxiety. But one day.. She caught me.. I wrote a song for one of my.. Friends, and she was listening behind the door. I started crying. It's silly now but I was so mad at her. That's when she told me to never be afraid of what I can do.. " Lexa smiled at Clarke. It was one of the few memories she remembered.
They were laying in the grass on a field. Lexa insisted on taking Clarke home to get some sleep but the blonde girl seemed to have had a random burst of energy.
"That reminds me of one time my mom found one of my drawings.. It wasn't the most appropriate thing. I drew my vagina... I was 8 and very curious so I held a mirror to it and drew it" Clarke busted out laughing at her own childhood memory.. "She was kinda proud.. She kept saying 'wow, I raised a feminist' but she made me rip it up" Lexa laughed too..

The house was awfully quiet.. But the desktop in the corner of the room was still on and Lexa saw the date.. It was July 26th. 2 weeks till Costia's death anniversary.
Lexa looked down at the floor.
She felt guilty.. As if being out with Clarke disintegrated Costia's memory.
It dawned on her what she was doing..
I can't bring Clarke Into this mess.. She's already hurting.. Even as a friend I'll just fuck her up
Lexa shook her head.. She opened the door to her dark room. She needed to remember. She was starting to forget what Costia's face looked like as images of Clarke invaded her mind.
Her closet door was opened and she dug out the box she promised herself she'd only look at once a year..

Her hands shook as she pulled off the lid of the old converse box.

She put aside her first empty bottle of prescription antidepressants that were in there and a headband Costia always wore.

The smiled at a picture of Aden holding Aden the dog.

When she got to the bottom she found the beanie full of pictures.

Her hands shook as she saw the first one..

"Lexa I have to tell you something" Costia and Lexa held hands as they walked down the Coney Island board walk. It was late and dark out.. Anya, Aden, Lincoln and Adens new boyfriend trailing behind them.

Lexa was worried she would say she was going back home.. I mean she would be happy for her but..they became close friends. Lexa had the biggest crush on her but she was scared that if she told her she would leave.

Lexa looked anywhere but the beautiful girls eyes. Costia removed their hands from each other and put her hands in her back pockets.

"If you have to go it's fine.. I mean we ca-" Lexa stopped when she saw Costia shake her head.
"No I'm not leaving.. But the reason I ran away in the first place was be-" she stopped. She took a death breath and started over.
"Lexa the reason I left my parents is because I'm gay and they didn't accept me" she finished.

Her hands left her her pockets and she looked at Lexa expectantly.

Lexa tried hard not to laugh she really did.. But her 15 year old self couldn't help it.. For the first time in her life she wasn't the unlucky one..
Sure there could be a chance Costia didn't like her back but she sure as hell wasn't gonna give up without trying.
She threw her head back in laughter. Her asthma got the best of her as a whiff of smoke smacked her in the face and she started chocking but Costia was to shocked at the girls laughter to even think about helping her.

Lexa coughed and laughed at the same time and to a passing stranger one would think she was dying.

"Why are you fucking laughing" the older girl steamed.

Lexas laughter died down as she noticed her seriousness but Costia wasn't done. "If you don't want to be friends that's fine.. I'll just take Aden and g-"

This seemed to spark another fit of laughter in Lexa.
Costia crossed her arms waiting for the girl to finish but then decided against it and started to walk away.

Lexa straightened up and spun her around.
"I don't want to be friends" she laughed in her face.

Costia felt her eyes get blurry and she thought. 'How could she be so mean' she didn't expect the next words to leave Lexas mouth.

"I want to love you, I want to be with you. I want you" Lexa smiled. Running her other hand over the girls face..

Costia's anger melted away and she pulled the girls face against hers In the most heart wrenching kiss she's ever had in her life.

'Whoops' and cheers erupted along with a couple of 'finally's
Child like Aden felt the need to document the precious moment and as soon as the girls broke away he shoved a camera in their face

*Click*

Lexa wiped a tear that made its way down her cheek. She looked down at her hand surprisingly seeing something she hasn't seen in years.

The next picture broke her heart.

Lexa was nervous.. Summer was over and she was entering her high school with a girlfriend. She rubbed her sweaty palms against her white dress and looked down at her worn converse making sure she looked okay.. Costia came to pick her up in her tattered old truck. Lexa laughed.
She was so used to being the tomboy of the group and now here she was in a dress just because Costia asked her too. The girl was whipped.
Costia noticed something was off with Lexa and went to grab her hand. Lexa shifted her hand before she could and held the seatbelt.
"Babe are you okay?" She asked. Lexa nodded softly and looked out the window.
At the stoplight Costia grabbed her chin and brought it her face for a kiss. Lexa flinched.

"Hey.. Hey what's going on" she smoothed down the girls wild hair.
"I'm just.. Scared what people will think" she looked into Costia's eyes. All she saw was love and support. She felt guilty for feeling this way. But she couldn't help it. What if they bullied them, what if they ostracized them.

"Lexa please don't be scared.. I'll be there to protect you the whole way through" Lexa held her hand and kissed her knuckles. It was quite ironic because Lexa was the one with the anger issues and she was taller but her words gave her comfort.

Lexa believed her but she was still scared.

They walked through the schools double doors holding hands and necks snapped. Everyone looked down at their hands and immediately went back to what they were doing. Lexa let a huge breath leave her asthma infected lungs and she softly smiled.
They found there way to the yard in the back where they would meet their friends. They still had plenty of time before first period.
She could sense Costia giving her space just in case she was scared and honestly she wasn't anymore. She had her friends. So what if people judged. Costia talked animatedly to her friend Rachel and Lexa could no longer hold back.. She leaned up from where she later in the grass and cupped Lexas face drawing her in for a deep passionate kiss.
Echo laughed and pulled out her Polaroid camera. "Smile ya big lesbos"

*click*

Lexa felt herself getting smaller. The feeling of losing Costia pressed against her chest for the briefest of seconds. This was what she looked for, the pain of remembrance. She could of stopped there but she couldn't hold her hand from flicking through to the next picture.

Lexa smiled down at their interlocked fingers. How could she be so lucky. Both girls had been out all day celebrating Costia's birthday, they went to Coney Island where they first kissed and walked all along the brick walls of Brooklyn.. Lexa sat her camera on the opposite side of the street. It was a new hobby she had taken up. Photography, and she was quiet good. Barely any cars passed on the street they sat on and the camera clicked twice. She ran across the street to retrieve the camera and looked at the pictures softly smiling at them. She was so happy. So happy she could cry. So happy she didn't realize Costia was doing just that.

"Heey. C-bug what's wrong" she said after minutes of not realizing. Costia hid her face in her hands. "N-nothing I just.. Miss my parents" she lied.

She didn't miss them.. All they did was belittle her and make her feel unwanted.. She hated them and not a day went by that she didn't. But more than she hated them she hated herself. She saw how Lexa smiled at the pictures. She saw in Lexa what she knew she'd never have. She was cursed to be unhappy.

Lexa constantly loved her and gave her affection and Costia tried to the best of her abilities do love her back.. But that was the problem, she loved her so much she needed to be away from her.. She loved her so much she needed to let her go, or else she would be stuck loving someone who would never be happy, but Lexa didn't know this as she comforted the crying girl on her birthday..

Lexa threw the box across the room. This was so unhealthy. She knew it, her family knew it.. She knew this was what would kill her some day and she refused to drag anyone along with her.

Lexa was such a mess.. Her mood swings had been of the charts and her flashbacks had returned. She knew she needed to take her medication eventually.

But something wouldn't let Her.. She didn't know that the something was Clarke.. She couldn't realize she was turning into the person she grieved most.. She didn't realize with everyday she didn't take that pill she was becoming Costia.

Her sobs ripped through her chest and she was having a hard time breathing. Flashes of Costia and her bright smile invaded every corner of her brain and she grabbed at her hair as if that would get them out. She pictures Costia laying on her floor, the blade merely inches away from her split open wrist. A smile finally on her face.. And a note tucked in her pocket.

The note was something only Lexa knew about.. The morgue assistant handed Anya Costia's clothes and Lexa immediately grabbed them from her..and was the only one to realize the crumpled piece of paper that fell from her jeans.

Lexa had read it so many times she knew the words scribbled on the piece of paper by heart. No need to reach across the room to retrieve it from the box.

"I've lived a lie my whole life, hiding who I was and who I loved. You were my only truth, and somehow I seemed to lie to you too. Live for me Lexa.. You may not have realized my unhappiness but I'll see yours from wherever I go.. I love you" Lexa repeated the words clutching her ears.

She didn't hear the door open and she definitely didn't hear Raven enter her room as she felt a familiar itch on her wrist. Just as she was about to scratch Ravens cold hands held her hands away from each other. Raven was speaking but Lexa wasn't listening, Her sobs were loud and she needed to scratch, she fought against Ravens hands.

The brown eyed girl shook her head saying something but instead of feeling like she was underwater like she did with Clarke.. She felt as if her head was inside a block of cement.

Tears streamed down her face and she couldn't hear herself, but she knew she was screaming "I almost forgot her! I almost forgot about her!"

Raven took both her hands and pressed them against her own heart. Lexa started to hear her own heart breaking sobs as she felt Ravens heartbeat beneath her fingertips. "Breathe my love, breathe" she nodded. Lexa stopped mid sob and drew in a fresh gulp of air.
Raven was silent as the girl seemed to float back into reality. She opened her arms for Lexa to climb in.

Lexas back pressed against Ravens front as Raven sat up against the bed, on the floor. She looked across the room to see the box that held Lexas pain scattered carelessly on the floor.
"What happened?" She said after multiple beats of silence.

"I hung out with Clarke Griffin all day" Lexa sniffed. Her hands went to rub her eyes. "And she's been on my mind so much lately I forgot what day is coming up" She said discreetly scratching her wrist.

"Lexa.. You're happy, so what, Costia would want that for you" Raven said wrapping her arms around Lexas small figure holding her red wrist away from her.
"I forgot about her Rae.. These passed couple days.. I've just., yea I've thought about her. Not a day passed that I don't but I almost forgot" Ravens heart broke. She hasn't seen her best friend like this in years. She was practically a robot, only showing emotion when they were too much to handle. She hadn't seen her cry in the longest and she hadn't seen her wrist so enflamed. Yes this was a little relapse moment caused by Lexas own mind but Clarke seemed to be helping her move on from Costia.. Even if it was just as friends, for now.

But then something dawned on Raven. Why her friend was so emotional all of a sudden. The nonsensical mood swings. Her empty eyes replaced by dullness.
"Lexa how long since you last took your pill" Raven sighed.