Nick would have loved being at the hospital. Not like this of course, but as an observer. All of the medicines, the surgeries, the injuries, they motivated him. He wanted to be a doctor all of his life. What if he can’t be anymore?, I asked myself. I rocked back and forth in my chair, waiting on the MRI results, or just anything. I had undoubtedly bitten off most of my fingernails in impatience and worry. Tears had made their tracks down my face especially when I noticed Go Dogs Go sitting on the table beside me. It brought back a flood of memories that I relished and cried over. But I had to stop. He’s not dead Lily, pull yourself together. Be there for his family. My inner self was not very sympathetic to my case.

The chair beside me creaked once more. It was a nurse this time, with a cup of water that she pressed into my hands. Her warm voice broke the silence that had settled in the waiting room.

“Drink. When your boyfriend wakes up, he wouldn’t want you to be half dead, now would he?” She smiled at me, her presence a kind one.

“He’s not my… We aren’t... I’m his best friend,” I managed to stutter out, “we are just friends.”

“Oh sweetie, I’m sorry. I just assumed since you were here with his family. Not many friends would be waiting outside the hospital room for 3 hours.” She quietly got up then and went to comfort Mrs. Noccson. One of the quirks of Southern women was that they referred to everyone younger than 25 as sweetie, sweetheart, or darlin’ without the ‘g’.

I went back to my silent vigil. The nurse had alerted me to just how late it was. Almost 11 o'clock if she was right. A cold blast from the air vent had me shivering. I hadn’t brought a jacket since it was the middle of August. Pulling up legs up to my chest, I turned sideways in the chair and leaned against the wall, closing my eyes with exhaustion and stress.

A few minutes later I felt a shake on my arm. I rubbed my eyes and looked up into the very tall face of Nick’s dad. I guess I had fallen asleep.

“Nick’s awake,” he said with a mixture of excitement and worry.

“Can I see him?” I whispered, afraid this was a dream, and my voice would break it.

He nodded his head and led me to the room where my best friend lay attached to a thousand different wires. I stepped in slowly, lingering in the doorway, soaking in his presence. His eyes watched me with a look I couldn’t make out.

“Nick, I’m going to go listen to the doctor’s diagnosis. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Nick’s voice rang out clearly, just the way I had remembered it. I don’t know why I thought it might change, but I did. “Okay.”

As Mr. Noccson’s footsteps faded down the hallway, I drifted to the chair beside Nick’s bed in a blissful daze. My eyes traveled over his face, memorizing every detail. I had almost lost him.

“How are you feeling? Any pain?” I asked him gently, still overwhelmed with joy.

“I’m fine. I have a headache.” Nick looked at me funnily, almost like he was confused why I was asking. I was tempted to yell at him that of course I was concerned, he could died, but his lips were moving again.

“Sorry what did you say? I wasn’t paying attention.” I smiled at him.

“The nurses were already here. I don’t know what you're doing. Plus you don’t look like a nurse,” He spoke as if he was almost scared of me. My entire body went numb.

“Are you joking?” I croaked hesitantly.

“No. I don’t know you.” His breath began to come faster. “I don’t… I don’t remember you… I don’t remember anyone!” His voice had risen to a harsh yell. Tears began to fall from my eyes as I realized the horror of what had happened.

“Nick, I’m Lily, I’m your best friend, remember?” I cried back at him. His eyes went wild and he started to thrash, trying to get away from me, repeating over and over that he didn’t know me. The nurses rushed him and pushed me away to the corner of the room.

I clamped a hand over my mouth, trying to stop the sobs that were coming from it. Nick was held down and sedative was pushed into his arm. I couldn’t handle him in pain anymore, and I ran out. I could still hear him yelling at me as I sprinted down the hallway.

I skidded to a halt in front of the room with Nick’s parents, and his mom turned to me before I gave into the tears. As the crying wrecked through my body, I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders with comfort. The doctor looked at me sympathetically and finished his explanation of Nick’s condition. I caught words like “declarative memory tampered” and “hippocampal damage” before I completely tuned him out, not able to comprehend anything but pain.

    After that, everything seemed a blur. I remembered someone leading me to a truck, and then being handed off to my mom. She comforted me like a mother should, with tissues and warm blankets and snuggling. Then I was tucked into bed where I promptly passed out. Occasionally I would wake up, thinking the entire thing was a nightmare, and then I would remember reality. Finally, at about 1:30 a.m. I gave up on sleeping, and grabbed my computer.

    Turning on the web browser, I typed in concussion memory loss.     Immediately, symptoms of concussion popped up, yahoo answers with some guy asking if there was someway to forget it all, and finally a reputable website about studies of concussion victims. Clicking on the link, I scrolled until I reached the section of memory loss.

    “Symptoms, effects, here we go,” I muttered to myself.

Effects of concussions include dizziness, nausea, behavioral changes, and memory loss.

I stopped reading for a second and would’ve cried, but it felt as though I had no more tears left. Forcing myself to continue, I scanned over how to contact a doctor to long term effects.

Severe symptoms may last for weeks or years.

It felt as though my heart was being torn out by a thread called Nick. Years? I would lose my best friend for years? My body began to shake, and then the hyperventilating began. Hands trembling, I reached for the water on my bedside table. As I withdrew the cup, I knocked something onto the floor. It was the card from the flowers. Holding it up to the light of the computer, I saw the doctor’s scrawl that defined Nick. It read:

Hope my little accident prone, star-gazing, bike-riding best friend gets better because I need her at school.. Couldn’t imagine it without you.

            Love,

                   Nick

Drops of pain fell from my eyes again. This was all too much. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t sleep, nothing was going to make me feel better, except… except being with Nick. Not angry Nick, the one who didn’t want me, but the old Nick. Dialing Nick’s mom, I asked if I could spend the night at their house. She agreed, as if she understood my unspoken thoughts.

Sneaking into my mom’s room, I prepared myself to wake her up and face a sleepy momma bear. But instead I found her sitting in a chair, reading, as if she was expecting me to come wake her up. Or maybe she was just keeping watch over her baby cub.

“Mom, can I go to Nick’s house? I need,” my breath hitched and I couldn’t speak anymore.

“Yes of course baby. Just be careful. Wear your helmet.”

“Love you, Mom.” I hugged her tightly and gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading out the door. Clipping my helmet on, I pedaled out of the driveway into the darkness.

When I reached Nick’s house, I carefully lay my bike in the yard and went to the back door, unlocking it with the key the Noccson’s hid under a plant. Once I was inside, I made myself a glass of water before drifting up the stairs to my best friend’s room. I put the glass of water down on the table beside his bed.

Everything in his room brought up memories. The hatch in the corner of the room where we had gone to spend so many hours stargazing. The few pictures he had were either with him and I or his family and him. I picked up one where we were posing in front of a rollercoaster. I had been terrified of going on it, but Nick forced me on. Of course, I had screamed and basically squeezed Nick’s hand off, but none the less, it was fun. We took that picture afterwards, to show that I had conquered my fear. He had pushed me to be the best I could be. And now he was pushing me away. With that thought, I started crying again. I laid back onto Nick’s bed and curled up in his sheets.

Finally, surrounded by the scent of my best friend, the happiness in my life, my protector, my superhero, I fell asleep.