"Mighty."

That was a word used to describe the men in our family line. It was a title we were expected to uphold; to bring honor to. From your birth to your death; it is your responsibility to make sure that everyone in your family is happy and taken care of.

No matter how much it might cost you.

It is your duty to put them over yourself at all times, no matter how down you are. That is what a man must do for his family. Whether you are the father or the son; you have to be the one to do it.

"Family is a fortress," my father says. "Family is sacrifice. Family is as beautiful and full of love as it is full of grief and sorrow. Family is never guaranteed for tomorrow."

I hold these words in my mind often, wondering how life could've been for me if I wasn't cursed with this heavy weight of being the first born on my shoulders. The weight of being the eldest that never gets any lighter no matter how much time passes.

As blessed as I am for this life of mine; I can't help that bitter feeling in my chest.

The longing I have to simply be a kid, to live out my teenage years without these plaguing adult thoughts and worries on my mind.

You only get one youth, one life to live; where is my chance to be a kid?

I'm always the comforter but it feels like nobody is ever really there to comfort me in return. I work so hard to protect them all but I don't feel protected. I am seem as the safe space; the place to go whenever they feel low.

But there is nowhere for me to go..

I wish there was a place for me to breathe, to show some vulnerability. A place where I didn't have to feign strength 24/7; where I could have my low days and not be shunned for it.

A place to rest, to feel at peace.

Does such a place even exist on this earth? Could I ever have a chance to experience such a luxury?

......

I complained too much again...

I'm sorry.

I won't complain again.

I'll do whatever it takes for you, I'm giving you my entire life; my entire being.

I'll fight through it all, it's what I vowed to do when you brought me here and signed my life to you.

Until my death bed I am living for the good of you.

Every breath I take, every move I make; it will all be perfectly curated for you. To make you proud, to make you feel loved, cared for; everything.

I will be strong in every way so that you can take it easy. I'll carry every burden for you don't worry.

You don't have to give me anything in return it's alright.

It's for you that I'm willing to burn and endure this painful life.

— A burdened
older brother

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I was mature for my age but
I was still a child.

I shouldn't have to grieve this much
so young...

I may be mature for my age,
But I am still a CHILD.