Zhang Hao stared fondly at his members who were eating ice cream happily, seeing Yujin bounce up and down as flavour burst through his mouth.

"Hao hyung, do you think their date is going well?" Hanbin asked as his eyes shone brightly. Zhang Hao leant in to kiss him on the cheek as Hanbin flushed.

"They're probably having a blast. I bet it'll be us next" Zhang Hao winked as Hanbin laughed and pushed him away.

Zhang Hao hummed in satisfaction at the thought, knowing that as their leader and having responsibilities to look after his members, and that Jiwoong and Matthew would be able to take over.

Just then, his phone pinged, a message from his manager.

Zhang Hao ah, can you please warn Jiwoong, wherever he is, to watch out? There's been reports about his sasaeng that's been hanging out around him lately. Make it prompt please, I have yet to track down the girl.

Zhang hao's eyes widened as he looked at the text.

"Hyung, what's wrong?" Gunwook asked as Ricky stared at him worryingly. Hanbin held his hand as Zhang hao shook his head, "nothing I just need to shoot Jiwoong hyung a text" he mumbled.

Gyuvin and Yujin ran up to him, clutching onto him as they were unable to read the mood.

"Hyung, hyung! Can you buy us extra ice cream? It'll only be a minute!" Yujin asked, flashing his puppy eyes as Zhang hao's gaze flickered from their Maknae to his phone.

"It's only a minute hyung, then we can get back to messaging them," Hanbin said gently, with all good intentions as he truly didn't know what had been said.

"Ok, only this once then you have to give me some time to warn Jiwoong and Matthew alright?" Zhang Hao said as Yujin and Gyuvin nodded enthusiastically.

"Wait, warn them?" Hanbin panicked as Zhang hao placed an arm on his shoulder.

"Don't worry binnie, we'll do it together," he said with a strained smile as he went to placate his members.

But it was a minute too late.

By the time Zhang Hao had called Jiwoong's phone, all it had led to was voicemails.

"Shit- shit shit", Zhang Hao cursed as they all gathered around the phone.

"I'm sure Matthew's just distracting him, probably tickling on the river bed," Hanbin said frantically, fear trickling into his mind as someone finally picked up.

"Is this Kim Jiwoong's friends or family?"

It wasn't their eldest member's phone, nor was it Matthew. It was someone who was in a crowded place, with shouts heard in the distance and emergency beeping sounding.

"Where's Jiwoong hyung?" Taerae asked, yelling into the speaker as the other person hesitated.

It felt like deja Vu again, with Hanbin falling apart and Zerobaseone yet again sprinting to the hospital with ugly tears streaming down their face. All because of one line.

"They were in an accident, and I'm afraid your friend, Kim Jiwoong is in critical condition and his partner... the boy he was holding onto, has passed away."

——

Jiwoong shifted slightly, feeling the hospital bed creak under him as he peeled his eyes open. He jerked up as he thought about what had happened.

The car accident.

"Shit, Matthew?" He croaked our, wincing as someone stirred next to him.

"Jiwoong hyung? Jiwoong hyung thank god!" Zhang Hao exclaimed, bags under his eyes and tiredness lining his entire body.

He tried to keep his tears at bay as he watched Jiwoong searching for Matthew, only to come up with nothing.

"Drink up hyung," Zhang Hao offered a glass as Jiwoong gratefully drank. Tumbling was heard outside the door as everyone stumbled in, Yujin widening as soon as he saw Jiwoong awake.

"Hyung! Jiwoong hyung, I'm so so sorry," Yujin sobbed, shudders wracking his body as Jiwoong turned to the other members.

A heavy shadow loomed over the seven boys of Zerobaseone as Jiwoong noticed the gaunt and glum faces of everyone. They expressions were wrought with nothing but guilt.

"Where's Hanbin? And Matthew?" He asked as it caused Gunwook to burst into tears. Everyone was quietly sobbing, even Ricky as he turned away to avoid eye contact.

Jiwoong desperately grasped Zhang Hao as he smiled slightly. "Hao ah, let's go visit Matthew okay? I want to see how he is," he said, desperation leaking into his voice.

Zhang Hao brought his hand to his mouth, shaking and falling to his knees as the idols fell into silence.

"Y-you can't hyung, you can't visit him anymore" Yujin sobbed as Jiwoong clenched the bedsheets.

"What do you mean Yujin an? He's probably in the room next door-" Jiwoong breathed out as he felt his heartbeat picking up.

"Y-you can't!" Yujin screamed again as he fell onto Jiwoong and hugged him tight.

"Why?" Jiwoong asked softly, feeling desperate to see his sunshine again.

Taerae bit his lip and screamed, punching the wall as Gunwook stared up into the ceiling blankly.

Zhang Hao looked up at him with bloodshot eyes, one that held guilt and pain.

"Because he died."

Because he died.

"No. No, no no no no," Jiwoong said as those three words echoed in his brain. "NO! PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A DREAM!" He screamed as he held Zhang Hao by the shoulders.

Turning to everyone else and seeing their pale faces, reality slowly dawned onto Jiwoong as he was once again, faced with grief.

"Why? Why?" He whispered meekly as he sobbed into his hands. He didn't scream, or shout, he just simply sobbed, feeling an emptiness in his chest that he'd never felt before. A gaping whole that used to be his sunshine.

"It was hyung's heart, it was too weak," Ricky murmured into the bleak room.

Jiwoong clenched his eyes as he mourned. So it was his heart after all.

"I'd give you my heart if I could."

"I-I'm sorry hyung, it's all my fault," Zhang Hao whispered as he hesitantly placed a hand on Jiwoong. The eldest felt his head spinning as sobs wracked his whole body, crying to let the world know how much pain he was in that moment.

"No it's m-my fault hyung!" Yujin wailed as they all surrounded the bed, head held low as they mourned their lost friend.

"No guys, I killed him. I killed my Matthew, because I was selfish enough to date him, knowing what life was like. F-for an idol" he cried softly as Jiwoong desperately wished he could see Matthew once again.

Desperately wished that Matthew's bright face would appear in front of him. But instead, all he got was emptiness.

"I can't live without him," Jiwoong pleaded desperately as they all held hands, to ground themself.

"I know hyung," Gyuvin whispered, red rimming his eyes as he bit his lip, hard enough to draw blood.

"But we have to. We might have lost a sunshine today, but that means we'll just have to burn even brighter for him. For our Matthew."

——

Jiwoong couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle not waking up to Matthew in his arms, knowing that his first love was down low lying peacefully, having left Jiwoong in this cold hearted world.

They had attended Matthew's funeral, with only the eight of them to mourn the loss of their friend. Hanbin hadn't been able to deal with the loss, choosing to lock himself away, not talking to anyone- including Zhang Hao.

Jiwoong liked to think that Hanbin would blame them for Matthew's death, for bringing Matthew into the idol world in the first place, as Hanbin had warned his best friend all along.

But Jiwoong knew Hanbin was smarter than that. So instead of grieving, Hanbin had turned his grief into cold heart anger, showing up to the sasaeng's hospital bed with a letter of first degree murder- and a life sentence of jail.

Jiwoong on the other hand, had locked himself in his room, refusing to do anything as he stared at the photos of him and Matthew on the wall, on his lock screen, and in his memory.

His members had tried their best to get him out and practicing, with a light "hyung... I miss you," but it had no effect on Jiwoong.

A knock on the door knocked him out of his stupor as he sat up on the desk, placing him and Matthew's Polaroid delicately down on the table.

Jiwoong didn't open his mouth as a head peaked in, seeing Hanbin at the door of his dorm room. He raised his eye brows, surprised as Hanbin slowly walked over to him and sat on his bed.

"I'm sorry."

They both said it at the same time, the two unlikely friends turning to each other with sheepish looks. Hanbin opened his mouth but Jiwoong shushed him.

"I'm sorry for falling in love with your best friend. And being too weak to protect him. I'm sorry for being the main cause of his death," Jiwoong said, guilt eating away at him once again.

"Jiwoong hyung. Matthew wouldn't have ever wanted you to apologise for falling in love. And you didn't kill him- I think I've come to terms with that," Hanbin whispered with a soft and strained smile as he placed a hand on Jiwoong's back.

"We have to slowly hold on tight to him, but let him go as well," he whispered as he digged deep into his bag and pulled out a dolphin stuffed toy, their Photo Booth pictures and a letter.

Jiwoong choked as he clutched the dolphin, looking over at him and Matthew's bright smiles and ecstatic expressions, just for being in the other's presence.

"Read it," Hanbin mumbled, gesturing to the letter. Jiwoong gulped as he slowly took in Matthew's handwriting, scrawled and written with care, just for him.

Jiwoon hyung!

Jiwoong paused as he rubbed his fingers over those two words. His heart clenched as he knew he'd never hear Matthew calling his name again.

He forced himself to continue.

Jiwoon Hyung!

I love you, you know that right? Jiwoon hyung is the best person I've ever met, someone who fits with me perfectly, Iike a puzzle piece. You understand me hyung, you're someone who always cares for me and makes sure I'm happy. And I'm happy hyung! I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life- since getting to know you.

The times and experiences I share with you are so precious to me, and I know that it's come to an end if you're reading this right now. Sometimes I wish no one would see this, which means that I've beaten my heart and that we could grow old and take care of our team together. I wish we could dance more together, and one day even have a happy family!

With little children running around, and me gushing to them about how my husband was an idol. And Hanbinnie and Hao hyung would be the best uncles hehe. But sometimes, life doesn't work like that hyung, and it's okay. We don't have to grow old together, or share more happy times, because the times I've had meeting you was more than enough to make my life the best- with no regrets.

I guess I should talk in past tense now, since it's all in the past. But Jiwoon hyung, thank you for giving me the time of my life. For gifting me, what was the best experiences I've ever had, and for making me feel emotions I never thought I had. Thank you for loving me, cherishing me, and giving my heart something to love. Thank you for giving me a 'together'.

But the future hyung, the future holds so much for you. Jiwoon hyung, I want you to go out there. I haven't seen you perform yet, but I know that you're amazing, and the whole world needs to know as well. Don't feel guilty anymore, that won't make life any better- but instead be grateful that we've had those moments together. Hold the memories tight, but not too tight hyung.

Let go. Let go of the sadness and pain, and just focus on yourself for a bit, because you're amazing hyung. And the world needs to see it. Do it for yourself, for zerobaseone, do it for me. I love you hyung, I loved, love and will always love you forever, so stay strong for your Matthew and reach for the stars.

Do it without regret.

Love, your Matthew.

"Matthew ah, Matthew ah," He whispered digging his nails into his palm as Jiwoong let loose and finally screamed in pain. Hanbin let him be as Jiwoong clutched the letter to his chest, feeling the words resonate through him.

He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, feeling resolution build up in him.

"Hanbin ah, I need to keep going."

Hanbin nodded as he took Jiwoong's hand, both of them taking a second to mull over the special person who had brightened up their lives.

"I know hyung. You know, he wrote that for you before your concert. I think he's always wanted to tell you those things. He- he also wrote one for me-" Hanbin paused, feeling tears spring into his eyes as he rubbed them away.

"Thanking me for being his best friend and for loving him even with his condition. It must've been so hard for him hyung. But I'm so glad that he was my best friend, my friend who always cheered me up and stayed with me until the end. I don't think I'll ever meet someone as great as Matthew again" Hanbin whispered.

"Hanbin ah," Jiwoong whispered as he pulled him into a hug. "He was the only best friend I could've wished for. And now I'm going to have to live without seeing his precious smile every time I walk around our empty dorm," Hanbin mumbled.

"I know Hanbin. But we have to, that's what Matthew would've wanted for us," Jiwoong mumbled as he rubbed his tears away, setting the letter down preciously next to all the photos of Matthew.

"I love, loved and will always love you too Matthew. My first and only love," he whispered as he smiled at the door.

"Come in," he said as the door burst open. He was met with seven frantic faces as Yujin looked close to tears.

"Yujin ah," Jiwoong whispered as he opened his arms. Yujin jumped into them as they all fell onto the bed, surrounding Jiwoong with a group hug.

Zhang Hao nervously stared at Hanbin as Hanbin smiled softly at him. "Hyung, let's take it slowly okay?" Hanbin whispered as Zhang hao nodded, giving him time to grieve. Their hands melded together as promises for the future arose.

"I was so worried about you hyung!" Gunwook cried as Taerae snatched up the dolphin plushy and hugged it to his chest.

"I'm sorry for making you guys worried, but hey, why don't we go out and eat?" Jiwoong suggested as they all brightened up.

"I love you hyung," Gyuvin mumbled as Jiwoong felt himself slowly coming together again.

"No, we all love you hyung," Ricky said seriously. Laughter slowly filled the air as they discussed their food plans, Jiwoong smiling softly throughout it.

It was like Matthew was there with them, smiling and laughing. But he wasn't, and Jiwoong was slowly coming to terms with it. Matthew was his past, present and future, and if Jiwoong wanted to make Matthew proud, he'd have to do it without regret.

"Come on guys, let's show the world what Zerobaseone's got!" Jiwoong exclaimed as cheers filled the air. "Oh and you too Hanbin ah," he added as Matthew's best friend beamed at him.

"Let's do it without regret, and shine enough for our friend that's always here in our heart!"

And if Jiwoong and his friends went on to break many more records in the future, toured the world and became loved by many people, it was all because of one person.

He had to thank Matthew for his love.

Because Matthew wasn't the only one with a lovestruck heart.

——

A/N thank you guys for supporting this story!! I'm so glad that it was an emotional roller coaster for many readers 🤩🤩