Shameless - The Weekend
Take Me To Church - Hozier
You Should Know Where I'm Coming From - Banks

-

Tre

Loss is a familiar feeling to me. It's nothing I haven't felt before. I'm used to it. I lived most of my life suffering and feeling the pain settled in my chest. At first, it fucking hurt like hell. I was on fire, constantly burning until I was a pile of ashes. It was like there was a knife always stabbing me, each time something bad happened, the knife went deeper, cutting through my organs until it penetrated my heart. Every time someone got shot, every time someone left the neighborhood in a black plastic body bag, every time a life was taken, the knife twisted 360 degrees, cutting into my flesh until it reached bone.

You get used to the pain after a while. It doesn't take long to get used to living in a violent world. When you grow up in the dark, you learn how to see in pitch black. You learn how to live alongside the monsters. Eventually, spending so much time in the dark will force you to become one with the darkness. When you live surrounded by monsters, you turn into one of them.

I used to be afraid of the monsters. They weren't just outside, prowling down the streets, they were inside hiding underneath my bed. They were in my closet. Most nights they would come out and wake me from sleep. I'd watch them crawl in through the windows,  crawl out of their hiding places and stand over my bed. Shadows hovered over me and I would clutch my bedsheets tightly in my hands, closing my eyes so I didn't have to see the glowing red eyes. They didn't come out every night, but I couldn't ever sleep. I'd hear noises outside, like they were coming to get me. I was filled with fear that they would break in and take my mother away into the darkness.

I wanted to protect her. She was the light that made the monsters go away.

She was the first person I ever loved. She had a gentle smile and her eyes showed kindness. Love radiated off of her. She was the sunshine after a rainy day. She always knew the right thing to say and do. When I felt upset or angry, she would either hold my hand or softly rub the back of my neck. It always calmed me down and made me feel safe. She was my home. She did her best to make sure that me and Daniel were safe and came back home to her every night. She made sure that we both felt love, even when everything else around us was anything but love.

I would have done anything for her.

I'd have nightmares of her being taken away by the monsters roaming outside. No matter how fast I ran and how loud I screamed, I couldn't get to her. She was always one step out of reach. I'd wake up from my nightmare breathing heavy and I would lie awake for hours after, thinking of what I could do to protect her from the monsters. They wouldn't take my mom away. I wouldn't allow them to.

I was naive to think that my 8 year-old self could protect my mom from the dark forces of life. My constant nightmare soon became a reality. The monsters didn't break in and take her away. Life killed her instead. It murdered her in the one place we were all supposed to be safe in. It left her on the floor, cold and drowning in her own blood. Brain dead. Lifeless. A shell of what she once was.

When I found her on the floor, I grabbed her hand and it was cold. Her eyes were still cracked open, but they were dark, voided of her light and love. Her mouth was slightly open, lips dry. I'd never see her smile again when I got an A on my math test or hear her laugh when I showed her a new trick on my bike. I'd never hear her whisper I love you in my ear before I fell asleep.

I'd never have her again.

I cried out to her. Mommy. Mommy wake up. Please don't leave me. My cries fell on empty silence. I called 911. I held her hand as I told the dispatcher that my mom was dead, her skin felt like ice. The coroner said she had been dead since the morning, after Daniel and I had left for school. She was lying there for hours, all alone. No one to save her. She must have been so scared. No one was fucking there for her as she lost her life.

I'd sneak out every day to go to her grave. I used to steal dandelions from the neighbor's yards so I could give them to her when I visited. I'd give her one each day and laid it on the ground in front of her tombstone. I'd tell her how much I missed her and how angry I was that she is gone. I was so angry. I felt lost, like I didn't have any directions on where to go next. All I knew was the anger that bubbled inside me, threatening to ooze out with each day I went without my mom's presence.

I was told that time heals all wounds. With time, things get easier. That's a fucking lie. I was sick of hearing the same fucking bullshit excuses and condolences from everyone. I didn't care about them and their blatant lies. I didn't care about anything. The most important thing in my life was taken. I didn't give a shit anymore.

I started acting out in school, ditching class and failing tests. I'd fight with the kids who would look at me like I had fucking two heads. I once punched a kid in the nose for asking where my mom was when we were on a school field trip with the other kids who had their parents with them. I sat in the principal's office for two hours until they let me go home. It was like this all throughout school, being angry and fighting whoever I felt like. I didn't care about my life or what was going to happen to me.

After a while, I felt numb of any emotion. I did reckless shit just for spite and I was careless about my future. People like me, don't get to live a happy life like that fairytale bullshit we used to read as kids. What was apart of me was impulsiveness and inconsideration. I had become the monster that I used to be afraid of and I found that I liked feeling the darkness swirl inside my soul. Instead of red, my blood ran dark. I was consumed by the violent life and the monsters that overran my world. There was no hope for me. My soul was lost in the tar of my own massacres. I needed retribution. Someone had to pay for what was taken away from me. I didn't want to stop until I got my revenge. My mother, my childhood, my innocence, it was all ripped away into broken pieces. I was stuck with the shattered remains and the aftermath of how much life had shit on me. Buried beneath the earth, forgotten and abandoned, cold and lonely, I welcomed the monsters to house inside me.

I did a lot of stupid, crazy shit that I still have scars from. I fucked around with girls who I didn't bother to remember their names. I'd drown myself in liquor and smoking. I'd wake up with bruised knuckles or a black eye with no recollection of how I got it.

No matter how much I destroyed my life, I was completely numb. I masked myself in cold arrogance. I treated people like shit and I felt no remorse for how much I hurt people. I didn't care how much I was hurting myself. I mean, shit happens. Nothing could ever phase me. I grew numb to the pain of losing someone. At least I thought I had gone completely numb.

Until her.

She was what I was least expecting. At that first party, she looked so uncomfortable, completely out of her element. She had an innocent look about her. Her eyes darted around the room full of weed and drunk dancing in curiosity. It was like she was witnessing these things for the first time. And when she looked at me, I saw something in her eyes that made a crack in the steel wall I put up around my heart. Her eyes reminded me of my mom's, kind and full of life. It was almost hard to look at her without being reminded of my traumatic loss.

Her cheeks grew red with embarrassment when she caught me looking at her while she was dancing. I couldn't help but watch her. She was unlike anybody else I had seen before. I was curious to get to know her, which was something I wasn't used to wanting. I had never wanted someone before, but I wanted to know her. I wanted to see who she really was. She was so different, so captivating and beautiful.

It was a coincidence that we became partners for class. I didn't believe in fate or things happening for a reason. I believed that things just happened, there didn't always have to be a reason. When we were first in the library together, she was so timid and quiet. I could tell that I intimated her. I normally like people being intimidated by me because I didn't give a fuck, but for some reason, I didn't like that I made her feel that way.

As I observed her in class and the times we were in the library, I had conflictions. She was extremely smart and kind, but she was so reserved and awkward. She'd say something intelligent and then grow shy immediately after, like she was embarrassed. I wanted to know why she was acting that way. I wondered what goes through her head when she lets herself go.

She was sweet. Evangeline. Her name tasted like honey on my tongue. Her laugh was infectious and her smile made me want to smile too. The way she bit her lip made sinful thoughts run through my mind they'd make a nun blush.

I didn't think we would ever work. She didn't know pain like I did. She didn't know what it was like to have your whole life be taken away. She didn't know the anger that consumed me. She didn't know the monster I was. But the more I got to know her, the more I knew that this was going to be different.

She was trouble for my cold heart.

She was the fire that ignited inside me. It raged wild, destroying who I used to be. I burned for her.

I'd fucking burn forever for her.

She was my angel, my lifeline. My heart palpitated when she was near. It ached and swelled almost to burst from the need of her gentle touch. Her skin was soft like silk, her lips velvet, her brown eyes pools of gold. She became the sunshine in my life again.

I had spent so much of my life in the dark. When she came, she shone a light and made the monsters go away again. I was terrified of how easy it would be to fall in love with her. I had been closed off for so long, it was hard to let her in. But she was always patient. She never pushed too hard, she waited until I wasn't afraid of my feelings for her.

I hadn't cried since my mom died, but when Evangeline told me she loved me, I felt tears brimming. It was such a foreign feeling, I didn't realize I had cried a tear until she wiped it, kissing my thoughts away.

Then she allowed me to have her in the most vulnerable way. Encompassed in her warmth, her bare skin against mine, her eyes fluttering closed, her soft whimpers and sighs. Fuck. I knew I was in this too deep. I was drowning in her and I felt helpless in that moment. I was scared. I didn't know if I was ready to admit that I loved her. But I did, I loved her so hard. I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest cavity just so she could feel how much love I felt for her.

God I'd do anything for her.

I knew that once I told her I loved her, things would change. It would make everything a reality. I didn't want to face it yet. I was selfish and I wanted more time in this bliss with her, but that's not genuine. That shit only happens in movies. Eventually, I knew I'd have to tell her and reveal everything about my life and past.

But I fucked up, like I always do. When life starts to feel good for me, it shits on me again and reminds me of what I could never have, happiness. I was born to not live in happiness, but hell, I'd die trying my hardest to if it meant I got to be with the woman I loved.

I've made a lot of mistakes, too many to remember, but her, my Evangeline, she will never be one of them.

Knowing that I lost her is a pain that I haven't felt since my mom. It's fucking excruciating. I'd do anything to have her back, even if I have to sell my soul to the devil.

-

Eva

Finals haven't been too bad for me so far. I thought this week would be dreadful, but surprisingly it hasn't been that stressful. I had been studying for two weeks prior, so I was over prepared for my exams. I know that I most likely aced all of them. I only have one class final left and one final lab report to turn in and then I am officially finished with my first semester of college.

It's been a journey, more stressful than I ever imagined, but it's almost over. Thank God for that. If you would have asked me at move-in day how my first semester would go, I never would have guessed anything that actually happened. None of this would have even came to my mind. I didn't think things would turn out this way. I figured that some things obviously would change, but I didn't know that so much of my life would be altered, for the better and for the worst.

Once Reina and I had gotten back to campus from our little road trip to get the rest of my things, I spent the rest of the day rearranging my clothes so they could all fit inside the tiny closet. The entire drive back, I was lost in my thoughts. I had came to a realization that I didn't want to admit yet. I did admit it though, so now it's real. I forgive Tre for what happened between us. I forgive him for not telling me what he had been doing with Trell for the gang. I forgive him for hurting my feelings and breaking my heart. I forgive him for it all.

I love him, so I need to be forgiving.

I don't know what to do now that I have forgiven him. There's no guide on what to do next after you forgive someone. Do you move on like nothing ever happened? Do you talk to that person and try to work things out? I don't know if I'm ready to face Tre yet. I know that I said some really hurtful things to him too, so I wonder if he has forgiven me for how I acted towards this whole situation. I could have reacted better to what we told me. My emotions got the best of me, but that shouldn't be an excuse for the hateful words I yelled at him.

We were both wrong and we've been paying the consequences for it.

But I'm tired. I don't want to stay mad or sad anymore. I just want things to be okay or once. I don't want to keep loosing sleep and drowning in my somber thoughts all the time. I want to be happy again. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I need this to be done, I don't know how much more I can take of this.

I stare down at my chemistry notes, trying to focus my thoughts on my lab report that's due in two days. I'm sitting on the second floor of the library near the back wall, trying to get as much quiet as I can. My color-coded notes are spread out all over the table around my laptop and textbook. I unconsciously tap my pencil on the table, staring at the computer screen.

"Eva." A voice says in front of me.

I look up and furrow my eyebrows. "Trell? What are you doing here?"

He turns slightly showing me the backpack slung over his shoulder. "Studying for finals, same as you." He smiles and I also smile slightly. Trell's smile is always so soft and kind, it's hard to not want to smile too when you see it.

"Um, do you want to sit?" I awkwardly ask, gesturing to the empty seat across from me.

"I can for a few minutes. I don't want to disrupt your studying," he says, sitting down and dropping his backpack beside him on the floor.

"What are you working on?"

"A lab report for organic chemistry," I reply, feeling kind of awkward interacting with Trell now that everything has changed. "It's due on Friday but I'm trying to get it done by tomorrow."

"I just have my last final today and then I'm done," he says, looking at the heap of notes scattered across the table.

"I'm almost there," I mumble.

"So how do you think your first semester went?" He asks, resting his elbows on the table, staring at me with his eyes that remind me a lot of Tre's. They both have dark brown eyes that are very intense. They can be intimidating to look at it, especially when you know how much pain they have witnessed. Tre's gaze always made me nervous and feel hot, but when Trell looks at you, it's more of a soft curiosity. Tre is intense so he can figure you out quickly, but Trell makes you feel more comfortable. There's a softness about him that makes you want to reveal all of your secrets to him because you know he won't judge. He has very kind, understanding eyes.

"I think it went alright," I exhale and put my pencil down. "There were highs and lows." I shrug. "I didn't think there would be so many, but I guess it could've been a lot worse."

"Do you have any regrets?" His eyes pierce into mine.

I sigh, looking away for a moment before returning to his gaze. "No, I don't regret anything."

It's true. I don't regret what happened this semester. Even though it's been hard and emotionally draining, I wouldn't change anything.

"Not even Tre?"

"Not even Tre," I tell him, shaking my head.

I'd never regret meeting Tre. I feel like I was meant to meet him. I don't know yet the exact reason why we met and went through all this shit, but I could never regret my first love. It taught me so much and is still teaching me new things. I can't regret something that made a huge impact of my life like this. I love Tre too much to ever regret him.

"You still love him, don't you?"

"I do. You still love Sam?" I turn the question towards him.

"I'll always love Sam with everything in me," he answers.

"What's going on with you two?" I ask him because I am curious to hear what he thinks. I already know what Sam has said, so now I need his side.

"We both want to work things out," he says, rubbing his hand over his head. "We've invested so much time in each other to not fix this. I love her too much to let her go. I don't want to lose her because of my selfish mistakes."

As he's talking, I can see how much he loves Sam. The way he talks about her, he gets this look in his eyes and a smile on his face. He looks so in love. His words are sweet, and I know that him and Sam will be able to work this out. They both are so in love it's almost disgusting how much. I wonder if that was how I looked when I was with Tre—so in love like I couldn't live without him.

"You and Sam can get through this," I tell him and then frown. "You're both strong."

I wish I could have been stronger in this.

"You and Tre are different."

I look up at him, a questioning look on my face.

"You and Tre are like fire and gasoline," he half smiles. "Strong on your own, but when you're put together, you're powerful."

"Explosive and damaging is more like it," I remark and he softly chuckles.

"You both ignite each other. That's not a bad thing Eva. Fires run wild, but they can be contained if you know the right way to control them. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either."

His words resonate with me. Tre's the fire and I'm the gasoline. He burns and I'm the accelerant, making his own inferno rise. Together we can be a dangerous match, but if we now how much gasoline to use, we can manage the fire from becoming disastrous.

We messed up though, our love went up in flames too quickly and unexpectedly. We received third degree burns.

"Once things turn to ash, you can't get them back." I tell Trell and he frowns, understanding what I'm metaphorically saying. "You can't get it back once it's been burned."

I look down at the table, my mind roaming off.

"Even if it's gone, you can always try to remake it," he states.

I close my eyes and nod. He always has the right words to say.

He stands up, straightening out his jacket. "I'll let you get back to studying."

"Okay," I say softly, feeling conflicted with everything we've just discussed.

"Don't think too hard, Evangeline," he says with a smile, cutting the tension that was starting to rise in me.

"I won't," I say and return a smile.

"I'll probably see you around soon." He puts his backpack on and I nod.

"Yeah, I'll see you."

He walks away and I turn back to my studying. Trell said things that I needed to hear. But now it's got me conflicted again and my thoughts are all over the place.

I decide to shut off my thoughts until after I work more on this report. Normally, I would have had this already done last week, but we didn't get the assignment until last Friday so I could work ahead on it. I'm over halfway done, I just need to keep working and not getting distracted by my thinking of Tre.

We have our final presentation this afternoon. I already have my notecards ready. We turned in our final paper last Friday and now we just have to present. We haven't talked about the presentation since before we broke up, but we had everything thought out already on how we would present our paper, so I assume that nothing has changed. I guess we'll see how it goes later.

I'm nervous, but I'm trying not to think about it much. I don't like giving presentations, but that's not what is making me nervous. It's having to be close to Tre and presenting what we spent half the semester working on together. It's having to look at him and watch him speak, when we haven't spoken at all since the art exhibition. It's the reality that we never would have been in this whole situation if it wasn't for us being partnered up. So much has changed since that first day when I found out he was my partner.

The hours of the morning go by super fast and now it's time for the presentation. When I walk to the classroom, butterflies are flying around in my stomach. I feel a little nauseous from the nerves but I keep my composure as I walk into class. Tre's not here yet.

I set my notecards out in front of me and wait for class to start. I skim over the cards that I have already memorized so I can keep my mind focused on the project and not on how nervous I am. More students file into the room and Professor Garrett walks in. Tre walks in a minutes later and we make eye contact as he first steps in. He goes to the seat where he had been sitting away from me and I look back to my notecards.

"Alright, the final time has now begun," Professor Garrett says from the front of room. "We have two hours to get everyone's projects in. So let's get started and not waste any time."

The presentations start. The order of presentations is from the way Garrett initially partnered everyone up. Which means that Tre and I are last to present. I try to pay attention to the other presentations but I focus more on the clock ticking. I don't think students pay much attention to other people's presentations anyways. From the ones I've done, not many students are looking at you present. I nervously tap my finger on my notecards.

"Eva and Tre."

I look up and the students who had just finished presenting are making their way back to their seats. I glance at Tre. He stands up and I follow suit. I silently walk to the front while Tre goes to the computer that's off to the right of the large drop down screen. I tightly grip my notecards and take a deep breath. I just want this to be over with.

We start the presentation. Tre and I take turns reading the slides and adding more input that we had written about in our paper.

"To be human is to be imperfect." Tre's voice rings out in the small lecture hall.

We're halfway through our presentation. It's only about 10 minutes that we present, but it feels so much longer.

"The Bible talks about humans being created in the image of God. We were made to reason and understand complexities, but there was a limit to how much we were able to comprehend. It's in our human nature to reflect and love, but we also make mistakes. According to Plato, being human means to have a soul. There's a material body and an immaterial mind. As humans, we have souls, and with a soul we feel every emotion."

He turns his eyes away from the room and looks at me. "We feel ambition, anguish, fear, anger, and love. We make mistakes because we feel so much. Human nature is also a social construct. We are not able to be fully self-sufficient."

I can't look away from him. My eyes are glued to his as he speaks words that penetrate my heart.

"To be human, we thrive on the derivative of our own social interactions. We search for meaning in our relationships. That's what makes our soul connect to someone else's. We all have a soul, but it's up to us to decide how we want to live with it."

I grow warm with Tre's stare. He knew exactly what we was doing when he looked at me as he spoke. He knew I would feel affected by his words. I was okay with what we had written in our project, but I didn't think he would look right at me as he said his part, making it almost too intense to handle.

I speak my next part, trying to keep my voice steady, and after two more slides, our presentation is done.

I quickly go back to the my seat, avoiding any more eye contact with Tre.

"Great job this semester everyone," Garrett walks back to the front of the room. "Final grades will be in next Wednesday. Hope you all have a fun and safe Christmas break."

I shove my notecards in my bag and quickly walk out of the classroom.

"Eva!"

Tre calls from behind me and I ignore him at first, walking out of the building. I'm not ready.

"Evangeline, wait!"

I stop in my tracks. I don't want him to follow me through campus shouting my name and drawing attention to us. I turn around and he's walking at a normal pace now towards me.

"What do you want Tre?" I ask, crossing my arms, lightly shivering from the cold.

"Can we talk?" He asks, his chest rising fast from having to catch up with me.

"I have to finish my last final." I'm not ready to have this conversation yet. I don't even know what I want to say to him. For someone who's always thinking and overthinking, all of my thoughts have vanished. 

"Then just listen for a second." He pauses and his adam's apple bobs. "Is this how it's going to be now? Us not being able to be in the same room as each other without you running away."

"I don't know," I mumble in a frown. "It's hard."

"It's not supposed to be easy-"

"But it's not supposed to be this hard either," I interrupt and sigh. "I can't look at you without feeling my heart breaking again."

"Forgive me then, Evangeline. Please," he says almost like he's whining. "I've forgiven you. You need to forgive me."

"I forgive you," I finally say out loud. "I forgive you Tre."

His lips start to turn up and I continue, watching my words make his face fall.

"But I can't forget what happened."

"What does that mean?" He frowns.

"I can't be with you." I didn't know I was going to say this until it just came out of my mouth. It tasted sour, but I know that it was the right thing to say.

Panic and anger swirl in his eyes. "What? Do you not love me anymore?"

"I love you so much Tre," I tell him, feeling my voice crack with emotion. I can feel the tears coming, but I don't let them fall. "That's why I can't be with you. I can't be with you after what you've done. It goes against everything I morally believe."

My words pierce through his body and I can tell how much they hurt him. He stakes a step back, like my words knocked the wind out of him.

"How can you say you love me and not want to try and be with me again so we can fix this?" He asks in a low voice, he's not angry but I know he's starting to feel it simmer.

"I can't just stand by and watch you commit illegal activities, Tre. You're wanting me to put myself in a dangerous environment and I can't do that. I'm not you."

I get a bitter taste in my mouth with each word I say, making me feel like a terrible person, but I need to stand my ground. He can't expect me to forget what is happening and ignore his involvement to the gang activity. I ignored it once and it broke us, I won't do it again.

"No matter how much I love you and forgive you for hiding things from me, I can't allow for this to continue." I shake my head and then sigh. "I don't have any more fight left in me. I'm exhausted. I can't do this."

His jaws tightens and his body tenses. His eyes narrow and are filled with hurt and anger. "You're still punishing me for my mistake. Haven't I already been punished enough? I know we're in a fucked up situation and I'm the main reason why we're in this shit."

"Then you should understand why I can't be with you anymore."

It's not that I don't want to be with Tre, because I do. But I can't go back to him when he is going to be a part of a gang. I am not cut out for that type of life. I'd be going against all of my morals if I tolerated that. I won't be apart of it.

"Just hear me out," he starts, taking a step towards me.

"I've heard everything you've said already," I say pointedly. "You're the one that's not listening." 

He stops and glares at me, making me irritated that this always happens when we try to talk about us. We end up getting angry and causing more damage to our already broken relationship.

I run my fingers through my hair and scoff. "I feel like I can't talk to you and be honest about how I feel without you getting angry at me," I fumed.

"I'm trying, Evangeline," he snaps. "But you're not making it easy."

"I'm sorry that I'm making things so difficult for you," I hiss, my hands clenching by my side. "Poor Tre's not getting what he wants. You are still only thinking of yourself. You don't even consider how I'd feel about any of this. You just assume I'd be okay with it."

"You're the only thing I want," he insists, shaking his head. "I don't know how to make that more clear. I only want you."

"You have a great way of showing that," I tell him, biting down on my trembling lip.

I shiver and shuffle my feet, trying to get warmth back into my body. I am uncomfortable, but it's not the cold weather that's only making me feel this way.

"I have to go finish my final," I say softly, looking at his emotional eyes. I feel so defeated. I thought we used to know how to properly communicate and understand each other, but I guess that's all gone now.

"Yeah, I need to go too," he mutters and frowns.

"I'm sorry Tre," I barely manage to speak, looking up at him but he's not looking at me anymore. He's staring at the ground.

"Yeah," he murmurs to where I could barely hear him.

I turn my back to him and walk down the sidewalk, heading towards my dorm. I'm tired of having to walk away from him, but there's nothing else I can do. I said what I needed to. I told him I had forgiven him and there's nothing else to say. I feel like a broken record that keeps on playing the same dull song over and over again. I'm sick and tired of this shit.

~*~

I press the send button and instantly let out a sigh of relief.

"You finally finished?" Sam asks from her bed.

I raise my arms above my head and stretch my tense muscles. "Finally." I smile wide.

I just turned in my lab report so now I have officially finished the semester. It's now a relief and I feel like I can finally breath again. It's all over now. Come tomorrow, I will be heading back to Chicago with Reina for Christmas break and I'll be able to get away from her and relax.

"We made it bitch!" Sam giggles and throws her hands up in the air. "One semester down. Seven more to go."

"Seven more for you," I chuckle and lay down on my stomach on top of all my notes. "I have seven and half more years of this."

"You're the one that decided to become a doctor," she shrugs and I roll my eyes.

"You just wait until you need medical assistance and then I'll be the only doctor around to help you."

"I look forward to the day you save my life, Dr. West," she says dramatically, making me bust out laughing and she does the same.

Our laughter is interrupted by a phone buzzing.

"I think that's yours," Sam says, still smiling, and stands up from her bed.

I pick up my phone that's vibrating on the bedspread and pause when I look at the name of the person who's calling me.

Tre.