Songs: What's Wrong - PVRIS
Gasoline - Halsey
Human - Rag'n Bone Man

The week before finals is always more stressful than actual finals week. At least that's what I've heard from some of the upperclassmen. They said that finals week is nothing compared to the week before finals where all of the professors push so much work on you, on top of already studying for the final. It's like they've run out of time for anything else they wanted to teach so they cram it in to the last couple of days before classes end. I have had so much work to do that I haven't even been able to think much about the past weekend.

The art exhibition this past weekend ended up turning out surprisingly well. I was so nervous for how it would be, but it ended up being a pretty fun time, minus the part where Reina almost fought with Tre.

I don't know what I was excepting, but it doesn't surprise me much that Reina acted that way. She's a spitfire who doesn't care if she is direct and bluntly honest to you. If you hurt someone she cares about, she'll go off like a firecracker. If she hurts someone else's feelings, it just means that she really cares about you and doesn't want anyone to bring you down. I think it's really nice to have someone like that in your life. I haven't ever had anyone in my life who'd defend and stick up for me. For other people, Reina can sometimes be too much to handle, but for me and Sam, she's the spark we need in our lives. She's the glue that keeps us all together.

When I asked Sam how she thought the exhibition went, she was really happy that it turned out to be a pretty positive experience. Seeing how big her smile was throughout the whole evening was what made me so happy and proud. She was able to network and connect with other professional artists who loved her work and she left that evening with a few contacts to keep in mind for when she'll be looking for work after graduation. The night turned out well with only a few minor bumps, but nothing too bad. People had a good time and nobody got injured. I'd call that a success in my book.

When I had left Tre after our talk, I had found Reina standing behind one of the sculptures like she was using it as a hideout. When I got to her, she sheepishly looked at me, silently apologizing for losing her cool with Tre. I told her to not worry about it and that everything was fine. I told her I appreciated her being defensive because I knew that she really cared and hated that Sam and I had been hurt by them and their actions. Even if nobody else is, she's always on our team.

We stayed in that room while sneaking glances at Sam and Trell in the other room. They were standing close to each other and they were locked in a serious conversation that was hard to hear from all of the other chatter in the gallery. They both seemed stressed and I could see the hurt on Sam's face, but they both appeared calm and collected. To other people, it looked just like a normal professional conversation, but to Reina and I, we knew that it was really serious.

I mean, compared to Tre and I, they both seemed to have handled the situation better by remaining stoic. At least Tre and I didn't have many people around where we were, so nobody knew what we were talking about and how hurt we both still are from each other. Thank god nobody was around. It'd be awkward to go and observe a painting and then when you look right next to you, you see two people engaged in an emotional conversation where one of them is almost in tears.

At least that didn't happen. I'd be more embarrassed and awkward than I already was.

Reina and I had moved closer to the serious conversation, trying to remain inconspicuous by looking at paintings we had already previously looked at. They had talked for a few minutes longer before Trell grabbed Sam's hand and leaned in, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Sam tried to hide a small smile on her lips after his kiss but I could see she was blushing. They mumbled a few more words to each other and then Tre walked into the room. After a few awkward glances between him and I, Tre followed Trell out of the exhibition once he was done mumbling to Sam. Reina and I immediately went over to Sam, who ran a hand along her hair.

"How'd it go?" I asked when we faced her.

"It was alright," she said, her lips curling up a little bit. "We definitely need to talk more, but it didn't go as bad as I had thought it would."

"That's good then," I told her.

"What about you and Tre? What happened?" She questioned, crossing her arms across her chest.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I shook my head and felt the sad pit deep down in my stomach. "It was as civil as it could be, I guess. It's redundant to keep trying to talk because it gets us nowhere." I paused and swallowed hard. "It's really done now though."

"That's it?" Reina asked from beside me and I nodded slowly.

"It's done. We're done."

As I said those words, I felt conflicted feelings. I felt sad, but also angry. I felt my broken heart aching inside my chest, like it was torture to say that Tre and I are really done with each other. A part of me didn't want to say it, because then it becomes reality, but I don't know what else to do. I have nothing left to give to Tre. We both gave so much of ourselves to each other that now we don't have anything else to give because everything's been shattered.

On the walk back to the dorms, I felt exhausted. My muscles were tense and I was emotionally drained. The night was cold and the brisk air made me feel more worn out than I already was. My feet ached from the heels I was wearing and I found I had a few small blisters on my feet when I took them off right when I got inside our room.

The three of us didn't say much on the way back to the dorm. I think we were all feeling drained from the event. I didn't realize just how much a negative situation takes out of you. I guess I should have known because of what I went through with Johnathan and Sylvia and then being attacked and put in the hospital, but I didn't notice before because I still had a positive energy around me. I know I didn't feel the exhaustion and emotional fatigue from those situations because I had Tre as a filter. He always took my mind off of them. Now that he's not here to filter that negative energy out, I feel everything.

Now, it's the other way around—he's the negative energy.

I went to bed that night tense and I had to take an ibuprofen for the headache that was starting to form. It was hard to shut my mind off so I could go to sleep. I haven't been able to sleep good, not since everything happened. I've become restless and I wake up multiple times throughout the night. Sometimes I'll be up for a few minutes, other times I'll be up for hours until my eyes eventually close from exhaustion. I'm always thinking and can't seem to turn my thoughts off. Sometimes they get so loud, I put my earbuds in so I can listen to music to drown them out.

I think about a lot. I think about whether or not I made the right decisions. I think about what would have happened if I did things differently. If I hadn't said what I did or walked away. What if Tre hadn't done what he did? What if I had reacted better? Did I make a mistake? Was this whole situation a misunderstanding? Should I have allowed myself to fall in love with the man grown in darkness? 

So many questions and what if's, it's overwhelming.

It didn't help that Tre started coming to class again this week and there was an awkward air in the room. At least I thought there was one. I only glanced over at him once throughout the whole class and when I looked at him, he was looking back at me. I quickly looked back towards the board where Professor Garrett was writing down notes. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and didn't look over at him again. Being so close yet so far from him felt like torture. Looking at his sharp jawline that's always tensed and his chocolate eyes that are dark with emotion, I feel like I am stabbing my own heart. Gazing at him from afar makes me start to miss him and when I force myself to focus on class, I feel like I am twisting the knife deeper inside my heart.

I ache for Tre, but I know that I cannot be with him. Even though my heart wants me to, my mind is telling me not to get involved again. Not now when the damage is so severe. For once, I don't know what to do. My mind and heart are telling me two very different things and I can't figure out which one to listen to—which one I want to listen to.

It's a sticky situation. I hate feeling sticky.

"Eva, could you go and look at printer 4 and see if it's jammed?" Mrs. Montgomery says from behind me.

I turn around in the front desk swivel chair and she's carrying a stack of books to the return cart.

"Sure Mary," I reply and stand up from my chair.

I walk around the desk and out into the library that's more filled than I've ever seen. All week there's been more students here cramming in assignments and studying for finals. I've worked all week because things have been busier. I've also worked more to get my mind off of the Tre situation. You would think that being in a quiet library would allow you to have your thoughts run wild, but for me, it's the exact opposite. Since there's more of a hustle and bustle throughout the building, I'm distracted by my own work and assignments. So I don't have time to think about the situation that makes my head hurt and my stomach twist in knots.

I normally don't like being distracted, but I don't mind having it during this time. It makes me feel less anxious.

I weave through the tables in the middle of the room, each filled with students surrounded by their notebooks and laptops. It's a late Friday afternoon, but there's still students coming and going frequently.

The quiet chatter and mumbles of the students fill the room, but they're more drowned out by the sound of rain falling harshly onto the roof. It's been raining most of the day, only adding to the dreariness felt by the stress-ridden students.

I like the rain. It washes away impurities and makes you feel free. I wish it could wash away all of my life's problems too. When I was younger, I was so fascinated by the rain. I'd watch the raindrops run down the windows like each droplet was racing against the other. If I was outside, I'd tilt my head back and open my mouth, tongue out to catch the falling droplets. I'd smile and giggle from the tickling feeling on my tongue and face. I'd then always want to stick my arms out and do twirls, but Johnathan and Sylvia always sternly told me to get inside before I soaked my clothes. I remember pouting and quickly getting inside, hastily turning back towards the window and wishing that I could dance with the raindrops.

I've still never gotten my dream of dancing in the rain.

I slam the lower printer door shut and toss an empty ink cartridge in the trashcan right underneath the oak table. Printer 4 was jammed and low on black ink. I push the back button on the screen and the printer starts up again, rumbling with noise before printing out multiple pieces of paper that had been waiting to be printed. I look around and nobody gets up to retrieve them, so I grab them all and lay the small stack right next to the machine. I step aside and check the other printers if they need anymore ink or paper. Printer 2 looks like it's getting low on paper so I go and get another stack of printer paper from behind the front desk. When I get back to the printer table, the stack of papers I had previously sat down were now gone.

I open the printer door and place half of the paper stack in. I pull out the piece of paper that was crumpled up in the back before shutting the door. The machine immediately prints another paper and again, I look to see if anyone stands up to get it but nobody does. Everyone is off in their own studying world.

I grab the paper and flip it over, my face falling and my eyes widening at the typed words I read.

Vengeance is mine. I will repay.

12-15
See you soon.

I quickly glance around the room, looking at all the students sitting by. Everyone either has their nose buried in books or eyes focused on their computers and typing away, oblivious to their surroundings. Nobody looks up and nobody comes towards the printers. I look down at the paper that is shaking from my hands and then around the room again. Nothing seems out of the ordinary.

My heartbeat is beating loud in my ears and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I crumple up the paper in my sweaty, shaky hands. I feel sick to my stomach and my body grows hot. I quickly walk back to the front desk, my heart racing and beating loud in my ears. I grow angry as I get back to the desk. I sit down and look over the room, none of the students had gotten up or even looked up from their work.

You can print from anywhere in the building, so students who are on different floors could still print down here. This isn't an assignment that a student would have. This was different. Someone could have done it as a prank for anyone who went up to the printer and looked at the papers.

This is a pretty sick fucking joke though.

I uncrumple the piece of paper and look over the words again. The more I look at it, the more I start to grow anxious. I gnaw on my bottom lip and then glance around the room and up towards the other floors. Anyone could have done it.

I try to keep my breathing normal, but my hands are shaking so much and my body temperature is rising quickly. My mouth is dry and I bite my lip so hard that I start to taste blood.

What scares me the most out of this is not that someone had sent it to the exact printer that I was at or even the numbers that look like a date. It was the words that I immediately recognized. I recognized them because I had read them multiple times before.

"Vengeance is mine. I will repay."

It's a line from Romans 12:19. The entire verse is "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'" The scripture means to not exact revenge or pursue vengeance, allow for God to unleash his wrath. Don't be vengeful, for the lord will repay it for you. But in this case, whoever wrote this note took this one fragment and used it in a malicious way. They meant that they are the one that is going to exact revenge like God's wrath.

And then the numbers. 12-15 and See you soon. Obviously this is a date. December 15th.

This had to have been directed at me. Nobody else here would probably know what that verse was and what it meant.

Something is going to happen on the 15th and they, whoever they is, will see me soon.

I feel eyes on me as I stare down at the paper. I look up and scan the room, but again, nobody close enough is paying attention. I swallow hard, now surrounded by the uncomfortable feeling of being watched that I have previously felt multiple times before. It's like I can feel their eyes burning into my skin, making me feel like there are spiders crawling all over my flesh.

I run a hand over my face and then shove the piece of paper into my bag. I'm going to keep it until I figure out what to do. I don't know if I should tell someone because it's not explicitly known if this was meant for me or not. They probably wouldn't even believe me when I would tell them that I knew it was a message for me. It's not a threat, it's a warning.

Whoever wrote this knew what they were doing. They knew that I couldn't tell someone and have it be taken seriously.

I am a mess by the time I get out of work a half hour later. My mind is jumbled and my entire body feels on edge. I tried to act like everything was normal so I wouldn't draw any attention to myself, but deep down, I was freaking out.

The rest of my work shift, I felt a constant stare on me. It felt like my every move was being watched and no matter how much I looked around at the students that were there, I couldn't see anyone looking back at me. It has been weeks since I last felt like someone was watching me. Before, I had thought that it was just my imagination playing tricks on me and I was acting paranoid. But now, I know that it's not just my imagination. Someone's watching me and I don't know why.

When I walk out of the library, my pace is quick. I need to just get back to my room, away from any place where someone could see me. At least in my room, I know that I am completely safe. I avoid eye contact with anybody that I pass as I walk across campus to the dorm hall.

I instantly feel more of a relief once I walk inside the dorm and up the stairs. The heaters in the building are blasting, making the air almost feel congested, which doesn't help my body that's already been burning up with anxiety. I tug my scarf off from my neck and grip it tightly in my hands as I climb the stairs to my floor. The floor is pretty quiet when I step on. Since finals are next week, things have been more quiet around campus. Not much is going on.

When I get to my door and I shove my key in to unlock it, Reina calls from behind me.

"Hey Eva!"

I jump slightly from her loud voice. I slowly turn around to see her door is halfway open. She gets up from her desk and opens the door the rest of the way.

"Hey," she smiles, leaning against the door frame. "How's it going?"

Well, before the creepy warning note and feeling like I was being watched for the past hour, things were starting to be pretty okay. But now, things have changed.

"Alright, I guess," I reply, not wanting to mention the note.

"Do you have any plans for Winter Break?" She questions randomly.

Winter break. I hadn't even thought about it yet since everything else was happening. Our winter break is for four weeks and I originally had thought that I would be going home for it, but a lot has changed since August so that is not an option anymore. I would not even want to go back home for four weeks with Johnathan and Sylvia. I'm not welcome there anymore and frankly, I never want to go back there. There is nothing in Tecumseh that makes me want to return.

"No, I'm just gonna stay here."

I know it'll be boring staying on campus for four weeks while everyone else goes home or goes somewhere fun and warm. I think I'd be able to find things to do to entertain myself though. 

"You can't stay here all break," she tells me and then gets an excited look in her eyes. "Come home with me."

"Go home with you?" I ask and she smiles in excitement.

"Yes! Come back to Chicago with me! I'm telling you, Christmas in Chicago is something you won't wanna miss."

When I don't say anything, Reina keeps talking and planning everything that we would do.

"I could take you to Millenium Park to see the giant Christmas Tree and we can go to the Winter Wonderfest at Navy Pier. We can even go to some of the museums if you want. You've never been to Chicago before so I can give you all of the ins and outs of what to do in the city. Plus, you could hang out with me and Cooper too."

Reina is talking so fast that it's hard for me to keep up with everything that she's saying. I smile at her quick talking and let out a laugh.

"Reina, okay! I'll spend Christmas with you."

She stops talking. Her smile even gets even bigger. "Really?"

I nod. "Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun. It's probably a good idea to get away from here for a while."

She lets out a noise that's crossed between a squeal and a laugh and throws her arms around me, squeezing me tightly.

"This is going to be so much fun!"

"I won't feel like I'm imposing on your family?" I ask with my chin on her shoulder, trying to blow some of her hair that is in my face. 

She pulls away and looks almost offended that I asked her this question. "Of course not. My family would love to have you with us."

"Thanks Reina." I smile.

"I can't be happy during the holidays knowing that you would be here by yourself. Nobody ever should be alone for the holidays," she explains and frowns.

"I'm really looking forward to this then." Christmas in Chicago does sound really fun. I can imagine the streets covered in twinkling lights and snowflakes dancing around the sky.

I then close my eyes and sigh once I realize that I don't have all of my clothes that I'll need for winter and snow.

"What's wrong?"

I open my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. "I need to go back home to get the rest of my winter stuff that I'll need, but I don't have a way to get there."

I forgot that I didn't have all of my clothes here with me. I only took what I thought I would need until Thanksgiving break and then I would go home and bring back the rest of my clothes for the cold months. But again, that was all before my relationship with Johnathan and Sylvia decimated. And I don't have a car because I was always driven everywhere. So I don't have any way to get back to Tecumseh besides maybe public transportation.

"You want to take a road trip up there this weekend?" Reina asks, with that excited look in her eyes.

"With what car?"

"You know my friend Abby from my nursing class? She let's me borrow her car sometimes. I could ask her if we could take it for a few hours this weekend."

Reina has borrowed her car before when her, Sam, and I wanted to go the outlet mall one weekend.

"You'll go with me?" I ask her and she smiles widely.

"Hell, I'll drive you there."

~*~

I haven't been on many road trips before. Actually, I don't think I have ever been on one. When I was younger, we never went on small trips where we could drive the whole way. We didn't go on many vacations. We flew to Virginia to see some of our extended family for Christmas one year, but that was it. I've always loved the idea of a road trip. Just the open road and a mindless destination. Just driving and being in the moment, wherever you are. It sounds fun and relaxing.

"Are you ready?" Reina asks from beside me.

I look over to her in the driver's seat and nod. "Yeah."

"Let's get this bitch going." She smiles and pulls out of the student parking lot.

It's Saturday morning, so there's quite a lot of cars on the road. Around campus, there's always so many cars because we're right in the heart of the city. I like the hustle and bustle of living in the city, but it can get congested, especially on the weekends when everyone is out and about.

"I could have driven," I tell Reina as we drive through downtown.

"I know, but I told you that I'd drive you," she says and then turns her head towards me. "You can just sit back and enjoy the ride because Reina's got you."

I chuckle and she turns on the Bluetooth radio, cranking the volume as we drive through the city and get on the interstate. It's just Reina and I since Sam is at the studio working on one of her final projects.

Once we get on the interstate and away from the city, the traffic clears and we're able to speed on the open road. Reina plays music from her Spotify playlist and I stretch my legs out, ready for the three hour long drive to my hometown.

It's a sunny day with a couple of fluffy white clouds in the sky. I stare out the window as Reina sings along to the music, bobbing her head and drumming her fingers against the steering wheel. I watch the white lines on the road pass by in a blur, my mind wondering off.

I haven't been back to Tecumseh since I left in August. Nothing's probably changed since I've been gone. It's bittersweet going back. It'll always be the place I grew up, but it also holds memories I'd rather forget about. My old life, Johnathan and Sylvia, my sheltered and manipulated childhood. It's not a good place anymore for me. It's not home.

It's probably a good thing that I am not the one driving right now. My thoughts are too distracting. When are my thoughts not distracting though?

"Take my order cause your body like a carry out," Reina sings loudly, breaking my thoughts.

I look over at her and grin at her animated singing, which is an interesting sight to see.

"Turn me on my baby don't you cut me out. Take my order cause your body like a carry out." She's popping her shoulders up and down and moving her head around while belting the lyrics of the Timbaland song that she loves.

"Eva, sing with me!" She yells over the blasting music.

I watch her for a second more and then decide to join in. Pushing away my thoughts and getting lost in the pop music as we fly down the interstate.

After one pit stop at a gas station and hundreds of miles, we finally make it to Tecumseh. The three hours didn't seem that long because Reina and I talked and listened to music the whole way. It made the time go by so much faster. As we pass by the welcome sign near the road, I get a pit in my stomach.

In order for us to get to the place where the storage container is that has all my stuff, we have to pass by the street that the house is on.

"We're going to pass by the street that my house is on," I tell Reina, looking at the town that doesn't have any appeal to me anymore. Everything looks so plain. At least in Detroit, there's a unique look to all the buildings, each one is different. Here, the houses and buildings and look the same. The buildings are the same, the people are the same, everything is the same. Looking at it now, I realize just how monotonous and boring it is here.

"Do you want to see it?" She asks, glancing at me quickly before turning her eyes back to the road.

I sigh and pick at the fray on the pocket of my jeans. "Pass it by, but don't stop."

I just want to look at it one more time, the last time.

I tell her where to turn and she gives me an encouraging look. We turn on W Logan St. less than a minute later. The trees that line the street are bare and none of the neighbors are out. The street was always pretty quiet, retired school teachers made up a vast majority of the houses. Johnathan and Sylvia preferred the quiet neighborhood. There were barely any kids on this street when I was growing up. I used to wish that there were other kids close by that I could play with. Outside of school and church, there weren't many kids around me. I guess that's why I'm kind of awkward in social situations with people I don't know.

As we drive down the street and get close to the next one, I see it. The house sits on the corner.

"This one," I mumble to Reina and she slows down some.

It's a two story square house. It's a dark teal-grey color with shutterless windows.  There's a white picket fence in the yard and a chimney on the backside of the house. There's a couple of bushes out in the front, but no other greenery except for a small bush near the mailbox. The house itself looks pretty plain from the outside.

There's a beige sedan sitting in the driveway, which means that they're both home.

He's probably in his office going over sermons for the next service and she's probably in the kitchen cooking or in the living room knitting those itchy sweaters she always made every winter. I hated those damn sweaters.

I look up to the 2nd floor window to the right. The curtains that were in the windows have changed. They were a lilac color when I lived there. My bedroom had three white walls and one wall that was lilac. I had some pictures up of my favorite flowers and a map of the world, with stickers on the countries that I wanted to visit. I had a white board on the wall near my bed that I would write different quotes or scriptures on everyday when I woke up. I had a small succulent plant that sat in the window in a yellow pot.

Now, the lilac curtains are gone. Thin white curtains hang around the window and I can only imagine the changes they already made to the room. They probably painted the lilac wall white and took down everything that reminded them of me. My plant is no longer sitting on the windowsill, probably in the garbage. Throughout the house, they probably took down every photo they had of me, replacing them with some of their condescending bullshit.

We get to the end of the street and I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding in.

"So that was it?" Reina asks, softly, turning right out of the street.

"Yeah," I mumble. "Looks like nothing had changed besides my room."

It now hits me just how fast they erased me from their life. I don't want to be around them anyways, but just the fact that they were so quick to remove me from everything, it still stings. How parents could just forget about their only child and move on like nothing ever happened, is beyond me. I don't understand it. I could never abandon and force my child out of my life.

It's a 10 minute drive from the house to the storage container. When I open up the door, all of my stuff is in there packed in boxes. Boxes are stacked against the wall and Reina and I go through each one since there are no labels on them. Of course, the boxes with my clothes were at the very back underneath all the other boxes.

I don't say much as we trifle through the boxes. It's a weird feeling to go through your personal belongings in a storage container. Even though it's your personal things, the process of going through it isn't personal. It's cold. It's impersonal.

I decide that while I'm here, I'll go through everything and see what I want to keep and not keep. It takes us two hours, but I finally feel like I have all of the things that I would need. Most of the boxes was of clothes, shoes, books, room decorations and knickknacks. We make a get-rid-of pile and a keep pile. We pack up the things I don't want and drive to the place that takes donations. My stuff is still in good condition, so I want to donate it so someone else could use it.

The donation lady, who I've known since I was little, looked surprised to see me. She said Johnathan and Sylvia hadn't mentioned me in a while. She asked how school was going and I politely answered that school was going fine. She then said to say hi to them for her and I nodded and tried to smile, but I couldn't fake a smile. I quickly got the rest of the stuff out and got into the car before she asked anymore questions that I didn't have the answers to.

After the awkward exchange, Reina and I pack the other boxes that I'm keeping into the car. I'm surprised that we are able to fit all of them in and the storage container is now empty.

I sigh in relief.

"You ready to go?" Reina asks, opening the car door.

I stare at the empty container for a moment before answering. Now there is nothing tying me here. Everything is gone and there's nothing left.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

When we leave the facility, I make a call to cancel future payments of the container that I'm now not using. As we drive through town towards the highway, I feel more of a relief the further we get away. We pass by the Welcome to Tecumseh sign and I look back at it as the last time I will probably ever see it.

It feels like I'm leaving a chapter behind to write a new one.

Reina turns her music on and the pop music plays throughout the car, but as she sings along, I stay quiet this time. I am processing everything.

Life is bittersweet.

I don't feel any anger towards my parents for cutting me out of their life. I've gotten past that feeling. I will never understand why they did what they did to me, but I know that not everything in life is able to be understood. Some things you'll never have the answers to, and that's okay. That's how life works.

I look over at Reina and her karaoke style singing. My lips curl up in a soft smile. I don't need parents to make my life feel fulfilled, I need people who genuinely love and care for me. And I already have those people around me. I am not at any loss.

As we drive down the interstate towards school, I finally admit it. I forgive my parents. I forgive them because even though they caused me a lot of hurt, that hurt made me become stronger and independent. It made me realize what I deserve and for that reason, I forgive them.

Throughout this past week, I had been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing my emotions. I have come to the discovery that I have a lot of forgiveness inside my heart. Because I also just admitted what I had been afraid to admit.

I have forgiven Tre.