Warning: Well this gets a little angsty, not going to lie. Talk of abuse, a lot of sadness and crying.

IN THAT MOMENT Stan's perfect eyes, the ghosts that haunted my sketchbook fell through a vortex of emotions.

I knew I had broke him, with each colour that ebbed and flowed through his gaze like shooting stars, each new colour, new constellation falling into place. One of grief, shock, fear and finally anger.

He was made of outer space and now it haunted me.

He tried to calm his shaking breath, his grip tight against my collar. "Did..."He began, struggling to find the words. "Did someone do this to you? D-Did someone h-hurt you?"

With every shaking breath he took, it drew a little air from my lungs. I shook my head quickly, but his gaze nevet met mine. "I-I'll kill them, w-who hurt you?"

I shook my head quickly, "N-N-No one, Stan, d-don't worry" Of course, of course he was thinking of me first, I worse the worst person on the planet. "R-Remembet at y-yours and d-dinner with y-your-"

"That was over a week ago Bill..., y-you can tell me, I c-care..." He began, closing his eyes.

"N-No one hurt me S-Stanley" I said, knowing there was no way I deserved to call him anything else. "B-But me...I d-did this, I wuh-w-w-wanted to"

He gaze finally met mine and I saw the moment it all fell into place, clicked, pieced together. He nodded slowly, his grip fading from my shirt until it was gone.

He breath displaced aroun him, he wasn't breathing, he backed up into he felt the wall. He slid down onto the floor and rested his head on the wall.

"S-Stan..." I began, but it was like I wasn't there, like he had drifted elsewhere.

He brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face. My heart broke with every sob I heard.

It was so faint I thought I had imagined it at first. It took me by suprise a little bit...because I had never seen him cry before, a little while back I didn't even think he was capable of emotions.

Whether he liked me or not, it didn't matter, I betrayed his trust and I broke him.

I walked over to him slowly, tears burning in my eyes, I was crumbling completely when he cried. "S-S-Stan" I began again but he snapped.

"No!" He shouted, another new thing. It took my by suprise and I fell to the ground. "You lied!" He screamed, "You promised, YOU PROMISED ME!"

"S-Stan" I tried again but he hugged his body close to him as he cried.

"You said you w-would never leave me, you lied! You a-are all I have B-Bill and n-now they're g-going to kill you t-too" He cried and I shook my head quickly wrapping my arm around him, pulling him close and he didn't have the energy to fight back this time.

"N-N-No, I'm n-not going, n-not now not ever" I promised, tears streaming down my eyes.

"T-They're going to kill you" He whimpered "You said you wouldn't leave me alone"

"I'm not going to, Stan I promised" I whispered, kissing his eye softly. That seemed to be bad idea because he instantly pushed me off him.

"Stay the hell away from me!" He shouted "You lying, cheating, hypersexual, selfish, arrogant, sociopathic loser!" He pushed my chest lightly, throwing me onto the ground.

Anger boiled beneath my skin, until the feeling of grief gave away to numbness. "M-Me?" I shouted back and he flinched a little "I f-found someone w-who actually cared about m-me, I'm s-sorry if I w-wasn't able to stay a-around and listen to h-how much they h-hate me every. s-single. d-day!"

He shook his head quickly "It was you! You were the one who decided I hated you, you told me you didn't want me to kiss you to touch you because I 'hated you'. No matter how much I told you I needed time and it was impossible for me to be forced to love someone who I the government gave me...you didn't wait, you risked your life to shag someone else!"

"T-The moment I m-met you, you m-made fun of me and I n-never had sex with a-anyone so c-calm down  the a-acusations" I said and he scoffed through the tears.

"I'm just reacting to what you told me" He said. " I can't believe you were desperate to get away from me, you tried to get yourself killed...all I tried to do was make you care. I tried being nice, being honest, I read the books you cared so much about. I tried the touching thing and I listened to you complaining" He listed, his voice breaking as he did so.

"Why?Why am I never good enough for anyone to care?" He asked and I had no energy to reply.

He shook his head, "I'll go Bill..because I care about you, I'll sign myself off, you can get re-matched. I didn't want to accepted it before buut I get it, if I were you, I wouldn't want me either" He mumbled, but I caught his arm before he left.

"I d-don't want y-you to l-leave Stan...I n-meed you here w-with me, forever" I begged and he shook his head.

"When have I ever known that?" He asked.

"D-Do you even know w-what I've been through? I have h'had three head i-injuries today! Just today!" I shouted but he clearly didn't understand what I was talking about.

"And all I w-wanted is for y-you to f-fucking love me like I f-fucking dreamt you would. M-My entire life I've b-been waiting for this n-never did I t-think I w-would be d-driven to t-take down the e-entire f-fucking system j-just to get r-rid of y-your f-f-fucking useless s-shitty self!" I shouted,

The words tasted like venom as they spilled out my mouth, complete lies and hate that were formed from a base with the same sort of flavour. I placed my hand over my mouth, sealing it from anymore destruction.

Stan's eyes were overflowing with shock, it looked as if the fire inside of them had been dowsed with a bucket of icy water. Bubbles of tears dared to escape the brim of his eyes, reflecting an my dark and cold image inside of them. His face paled and he swallowed and nodded his head, clearly trying to restrain the tears.

He gave me one last look, his eyes falling into mine, filled with hurt and traces of despair. His breath became sharp and shallow as he fell to the floor and then I realized what I had done.

I quickly wrapped my arms around him, letting him lay against me as he struggled to breathe. He didn't scream at me, only shaking in fear. "S-Stan breathe"

His eyes kept twithcing and he wouldn't stop shaking "Please don't hurt me, please" He kept repeating.

I held him tighter "S-Stan, I'm not going to hurt you, it's me" I tried to calm him down but I realized that I wasn't much of a comforting image anymore.

"You don't care" Was all he said and I shook my head.

"I l-lied Stan, of c-course I care about you, more t-than anything or a-anyone in the w-world" I whispered tracing circles up and down his arms, his breathing began to calm down a little bit, but only slightly.

"I'm not leaving Stan, not now not ever, you're stuck with me for the rest of your life. I would never hurt you, never on purpose, you mean to much to me, I'm staying even if you'll hate me forever, I will do anything for you to trust me again" I whispered and his breathing slowed down."I'll never leave you alone"

I didn't even stutter, not once.

"Man, we're messed up" Stan said, laughing sadly into my chest and my fingers ran through his hair. "Why did you do it? Why woulfd you even.."

"I w-was upset, I j-just wanted the i-intimacy, to f-feel close to s-someone like t-that" I said and his gaze couldn't meet mine.

"You're horrible" He said and I nodded.

"I know".

"S-Stan whatever y-you decide to d-do, p-please, just a-always know that I'd n-n-never hurt you..." I whispered and he sighed heavily.

"But you did" He whimpered and my heart broke once more.

"I k-k-know but I-I'm sorry, p-please don't b-be mad at me S-Stan, please d-don't hate me...I d-don't know what I-I'd do" I cried and he still couldn't look at me.

"I could never hate you Bill...but I want to, so badly" He whispered "You hurt me"

"I k-know, I-I'll do anything to m-make things better" I said and he hesistated for a moment, biting his lip.

"Never lie to me again" He whispered and I nodded way to quickly. "This doesn't mean you are forgiven!" He added sharply "But I'm resisting every urge to run away from you"

"I believe you were being stupid, I know you would never delibaretly hurt me, but you still did Bill. We're still going to find Georgie together, but I don't know...I think we should stay apart for a while, so I don't try to kill you" He said and my heart sunk. It could've been worse I guess but I wasn't sure how long I could last without Stan.

"Just...just stay away from me" He said, closing his eyes for a moment "And if you think about saying something important to me or try to win back my trust...don't. I hate the whole pretend thing" He explained codly and I nodded, not even resisting the tears that fell from my eyes.

"You can atill talk to Connor if you want..." He began and my eyes widened as he did so. How did he know who it was? "I'm not stupid Bill who else would it be? Just no more kissing"

I nodded slowly, it hadn't happened since I figured out I was in love with Stan. "W-Why did you t-think I was g-going to hurt you? And w-why did you say y-you couldn't let my die as well?" I asked and Stan instantly looked away from me, steading his breath.

"Then you want to know why I hate the the Selection so much" He said and I nodded. He tilted his head back a little before curling up into me. It didn't matter what had happened or what was going to happen, he needed comfort and I wasn't going to deny him.

"My mum didn't have a good run, her first soulmate...my Dad, who you met is brilliant but when I was three he was arrested" He said

"He tried to rebel against the system, they didn't kill him because they wanted to make an example out of him...test him, they took him away and did weird stuff to him, I'm not sure what but when he came back he wasn't the same. You've seen the way he talks about the system, he loves it" He said and I nodded slowly.

"T-They b-brain washed him" I concluded and he nodded.

"I'm not sure how but they did. See back then, they hadn't gone with the whole re-match thing if your soulmate was removed. Well they still don't do that unless they've been exiled. They were reluctant because they thought people would use it to their advantage, framing people to get re-matched. But they figured that too keep the populatiom going, it would be important for partners of the exiled to be re-matched"

"So not only did they experiment of my Dad but also with my mother" He said, sighing heavily and closing his eyes. "They re-did the test and got her a new guy to help look after me...I was nine when this happened. The guy, Bruce, was quite possibly the worst person I'd ever met. He'd drink, shout, shout all the time, he'd never hit me, but he screamed at me all the time. Always the shouting and always the swearing"

I held him closer but he seemed unaffected by my pressence. "Eventually when he tried to beat my mother to death they decided that he should be taken away...but went through with the rematching thing anyway" He said hostily, gritting his teeth. "They messed us up pretty bad, ruined my life and couldn't even take any responsibility with it. After that I realized if I couldn't even trust the people who controlled and protected us, then I couldn't trust anyone. I don't know I guess that's why the swearing sets me off...all I see is him" He whispered.

"I-I'm s-sorry for swearing, for a-all of us" I whispered but he shrugged, getting sick of my apologises at this point.

"It doesn't matter you all tried I guess, but I've kind of got used to it now, starting to just associate you lot instead of him with it. But if you lot swear I probably witll have a panic attack again" He added and I nodded quickly.

"Y-You were friends with h-her weren't you?" I asked finally piecing together the last of the story "B-Betty as well as R-Rue"

Stan nodded "We didn't talk in school, I didn't like the Watchers of Pennywise knowing who I cared about so they could hurt me. So we always talked outside of school"

"I-It wasn't your f-fault, s-she isn't dead" I whispered and he tensed up.

"She told me she was running away" He said simply. "I felt disappointed because I kind of hoped we'd be matched, not because I loved her like that, but because I wanted a safe option without having to be emotionally invested in a stranger"

I nodded "I w-wanted to b-be with Bev for the s-same reason" I whispered.

A small smile slipped through his lips "Wouldn't that be something?" He laughed dryly "Betty wanted me to run with her, but I guess I was too scared. I should've"

I shook my head. "No, shouldn't h-have" I said and he tilted his head in confusion.

"Why?"

There were a million reasons why it was a bad idea, he wouldn't have been able to help us figure out where Betty was, or how to take down the system. But only one thought dominated my brain, the only thing that I really cared about:

"T-Then I would n-never of met you and m-my life would've been i-incomplete"