"IT'S been canceled?" Bonnie practically shouted as my eyes widened out of amusement looking at her as she expressed her anger. "You've got to be kidding me. They canceled it? They fucking canceled it."

She begins fiddling with her fingers and the round bracelets on her wrist as she paces back and forth in the common room as I relax onto the velvet couch, throwing my legs over the arm of the couch as I'm amused by her just trying to calculate her thoughts. I remember the last time she acted this way, the day on the train when Theo had a girl pinned against the wall, kissing her like he never has kissed a girl as Bonnie told me about it repeatedly, almost ripping apart the cabin seat.

"They can't cancel the damn tournament, that's something that shouldn't have happened, we went to all of those practices for it to be canceled at the last minute. Due to—due to security purposes?" She looked at me as if she was waiting for me to give the answers to her long-lost questions.

Amelia sat across from me, she sat so gracefully—sitting upright as she had a leg crossed over her other. So peacefully sipping her tea as she read a book: Hogwarts a History by Bathilda Bagshot.

Then there was Blaise, who sat with his head thrown back on the couch, rubbing his forehead in a circular motion with his thumb and index finger as he slightly groaned, Amelia, looking over at him a couple of times, concerned. Theo sat on the floor as he looked at Bonnie pace back and forth, completely shook as his eyes were widened, jaw slightly dropped as he had no idea of what to say or do. Then there was—never mind.

"Bonnie if it makes you feel better, Dumbledore didn't cancel the dance so stop huffing back and forth like that because if I were you, I'd look at Theo who looks genuinely terrified of you right now," I directed her with my eyes to him, as he sat like a child on the floor, looking at her.

"I'm more in the phase of 'still waking up' and all of Bonnie's words went in one ear and out the ear," he said, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked up at her, his hair falling to the side as he pushed it back. "Hosting a tournament after the last one raised the Darkest lords of all time is like me trying to stab myself with a knife expecting a different outcome."

"Real funny Theo," Blaise whimpered from the couch as he looked up, his eyes red as I leaned back at the curiosity of why he looks like that. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing worth caring about," he spoke as my brow arched, looking at him knowing damn well he was lying, my fingers played around with each other as I tried to rip the tips of my nails off, looking down at my hands and then back up at Blaise. "You were never an excellent liar Blaise, sad really."

"I'm not lying—"

"'I'm not lying' yeah I'm not believing that at all, you look like you haven't showered in a week, you've been wearing the same sweatshirt for the last five days, and you haven't shown up at breakfast either—which let me remind you are your favorite part of your day so unless you want to go back and forth like this on weather if you're a good liar or not I suggest you start talking."

"Evelyn Young, real bold right now, you know I have some secrets up my sleeve that will definitely shut you up for sure," he leaned forward, "shall I divulge into them?"

"Funny of you to think that I'd reveal anything that would lead up to this situation," I throw my legs off the couch as I look at him. "I know your secrets too, don't want to spit them out now do I?"

"But see yours has to do with something a little more interesting, something in this room particularly, right Amelia?" He asks her as she almost spills her tea, coughing on what she drank as Bonnie is patting her back. "What do you say, Evelyn?"

I poked my tongue at my cheeks as I look at him, my eyes narrowed at some points as all eyes are on us, I know exactly what he's talking about, but I know very well that he wouldn't say something like that out loud, but at this moment I wasn't very sure of that either.

"I'd say I'm getting turned on by these very heated conversations but if they're like siblings as feels like incest, so I don't know if I'm grossed out by this—"

"Theo you're disgusting," Bonnie turns around her, pushing her hair back as she's shaking her head furiously.

"I'm only being honest, there's nothing wrong with that—"

"Not right now."

"But—"

"No."

"Fine," he mutters as I have a small grin on my face from his comment, not being able to tell whether I found it funny or disgusting. Bonnie moves over to sit by him as she scolds him, Amelia not trying to look up as she's invested in her book so deeply not trying to be so involved.

"So Blaise as you were saying," I smile as he crooks his head to the side a little, looking back at me. "You have nothing that means anything, so we shall move onto what the fuck has happened to you because you look worse than McLaggen right now."

"I don't know if that was offensive or not," he mutters to himself, scratching his neck a little as my eyes wander to Amelia and her book again, she's too focused, very unlike Amelia that I know. "Fine, I messed up."

"You finally glued Snape to his chair?" I asked as he looked back at me, confused not knowing what to say as he ran his hands along his thighs, pushing forward as he leaned back. "Boring, I'll take that as a no."

"I tried to ask out this girl, and didn't work out so well," he spoke as I smiled again, this was torture for him. "I know my torture is amusement to you Young, no need to be so open about it, might hex you in your sleep."

"Not if I get to you first so who might this girl be?" I asked as he straightened up, Theo leans forward as Bonnie unbothered by anything happening as she's laying on the floor muttering to herself about how her life is over since the tournament is not happening. Amelia still has her nose in her book and the sixth person in the room—just quietly observing, head laid back as his eyes are closed—wearing a black jumper as his hair messily styled.

It's been a week since our heated argument as I promised myself to never speak to him again—to never look his way—to not pay attention to him in any sort of way. I thought to myself that maybe it was in my head—all my thoughts about what had happened between us were just there for each other as distractions? Just using each other to feel better? Was I just overthinking things? I couldn't understand my thoughts anymore, I couldn't separate them into different folders anymore, it's like—it's like all of them were pushed together into a huge mess.

You mean absolutely nothing to me, you were just there when I needed someone, pathetic that you think it's anything more.

Distractions, that's all we were.

"It's nothing too serious, but I think I may have hurt her feelings," he spoke as he pressed onto the couch, using his strength to get up— attempting to walk out of the conversation.

"Never take you to be someone who'd pine over a girl this way," Malfoy spoke as he brought his head up, looking up at him as he ran a quick hand through his hair, pushing it off of his face as a few stubborn strands didn't budge.

"Unlike you Malfoy, some people actually care for one's feelings," I muttered quickly as my eyes focused away from him, not knowing if I wanted to argue with him or not, I wasn't sure of anything lately.

His eyes drew to me, he adjusted himself as he moved forward from the couch, leaning forward as he glanced at me entirely. "I do not care for such feelings, they have no meaning and are dumbfounded."

"We don't need to argue—" Blaise attempted to jump in.

"One's feelings aren't dumbfounded Malfoy, it's called being a human being," I chiseled as I examined his facial reactions, and how every single curve moved on his face, how his eyes studied one being. "You clearly don't have the facilities of doing, your family is wealthy, couldn't your father have bought you something that'd teach you of being something called oh—respectful."

Amelia finally put her book down as she looked up at us, Bonnie propping herself up with the help of her elbows as she's trying to read us.

"You will not speak of my family in such a way, Young, if I were you I'd mind my tongue," he towered over me suddenly as I leaned back, studying his figure as I stood up. "Oh bite me, Malfoy."

"Kinky," Bonnie mumbled.

He angled his face to the side, his jaw clenching as he stiffened at my words, everyone looking at us.

"It's like watching soap opera, but right in front of you, front row seats," Theo joked as Bonnie elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow!" He winced.

"I'll give you a point for trying to appear threatening, but I do bite back little witch," he leaned in, almost whispering as the proximity of how close his face was to mine, made my breathing staggering as I swallowed. "Not quite rough enough," I talked back as Theo made an inhumane sound.

"I feel like I'm missing a lot of contexts here—like a lot of it," she got up from the floor as she stood up, staring back at the both of us. "You're missing quite nothing," I advised her as I gazed at him fully, the small scar on the side of his eye, and the creases around his face that appears when he's upset.

I leaned forward, shoving him backward with my shoulders as our eyes never left each other, I looked at him—my eyes burning into him as he looked at me. We weren't saying much, but it's like our eyes found a way of communicating with each other—the flaming hatred for each other—igniting as the seconds passed. He swaddled his hand around my arm as he tugged me backward.

"I'd suggest you keep your hands to yourself Malfoy—unless you'd like to see a broken one when you wake up next time," I shrugged his hand away.

"If I were you I'd shut my mouth," he grunted as he tugged me closer.

"I thought you enjoyed it when I used my mouth,"  my voice was low and sultry as I pushed myself off of him, as he braced himself—his eyes widened as he processed my words not expecting me to say anything—I didn't expect myself to  say anything either.

"Holy fuck," Bonnie's astound voice made our heads turn as it reminded me that we weren't bickering by ourselves but in the common room with all of our friends—as they quietly watched us—like Theo said soap-opera it is.

|

"I'm actually quite not sad about it being canceled," Hermione's sweet voice woke me up from my thoughts as I looked up at her flipping through pages—as I was half passed out at the library table. "It's for the best."

"I actually don't care, to be honest, mainly I was going into it because of my mother, she likes to—she thinks of her kids a collection of trophies," I explained as she tilted her head to look towards me—concerned as the tips of her fingers played with the edges of the pages of the books.

"Though I have dropped out," she whispered as my head jolted up to meet her eyes, adjusting my seat to move closer to her. "I don't think I would've been able to focus with Harry and Ron searching for Horcruxes, the last time I let myself get distracted—Ron—he—he almost died."

"Hermione, you have to realize that it wasn't your fault, you've been blaming yourself for it since the day it happened—it's been weeks," I held her hand to comfort her as she gave me a sweet short smile. "What happened to Ron shouldn't be on your shoulder—with war edging around the corner there are consequences and sacrifices and he just happened to be part of it."

"I don't think I would be able to handle if anything would happen to either of them—I can't—it would be too much, they've been my best friends since I came to Hogwarts, Evelyn," she sobbed quietly as I frowned a little at her words. The Golden Trio, been together since day one with each other, fighting through things since they were eleven, always stuck together, and now they were slowly falling apart, it was saddening.

"Hermione, I haven't been close with Harry or Ron, but I do know you and as a friend I'm telling you to stop overly exhausting yourself—"

"I'm not overly exhausting myself, what if something happens to them—"

"Something can happen to them Hermione, we're in a war, people die during the war—people you would least expect to, people die for others, it's what happens," I exclaimed as she formed her lips into a thin mine, holding her words in—trying to form words as she's lost. "People can die, but we can only hope they don't, but you know hope is a bitch and can flip the cards anytime though we still live with it, don't we? You can only—you can only hope nothing happens to them, and I know that you would die for them."

"Wouldn't you?" She questioned as I lost track of words and looked at her, my brows furrowed as my fingers stopped fiddling with the rings on my hands as my body just paused.

"I don't—I don't understand, what are you—"

"Wouldn't you die for someone, if it meant they would be okay? If it meant they could live on with their life? Because I know I would—and," she paused, "I'm not saying that you have to just because they're someone you care about but the fact that you love them so, so dearly that you would do anything for them. You would do anything if it meant that they lived on. Yes I'm aware we're at war Evelyn, don't you think I know that? That's why I'm so terrified because any minute this castle could be attacked, anytime anything could happen to both Harry and Ron or me or you."

I couldn't speak.

"In war, you're either fighting for the world or for your loved ones, and I'm stuck between it—I can't pick what side I'm on, but I know if there was ever a moment where it was either the world or my friends, I would pick them in a heartbeat because they're all I have now after I—" she sobbed as she looked down, tears streaming down her face as she wiped them away. "I obliviated my parents Evelyn, I couldn't risk putting them in danger and after that I've realized that, you guys or all I have."

"Hermione I had no idea, I couldn't even imagine what you're going through, but you know those were not my intentions, I care about you and I can't stand just watching you carry the pain of the entire world—it's literally draining you so much—you look like you're hanging on by a thread and anytime the universe could just snip it, and you'd be rock bottom."

"I'm just tired of it all, and scared."

"When was the last time you properly slept, and I don't mean in the library or in empty classrooms while studying about Horcruxes, I mean an actual bed in your dorm, when was the last time you had a proper meal?" I questioned as she said mouthing, and as they all say silence is quite loud and clear, it says so much without saying anything at all. "I'm not going to sit here and let you do this to yourself—I can't bear to see you like this, it hurts me to see you like that, and I know you're hurting as well, but I can't watch you self-destruct."

"I know you're trying to look out for me and I appreciate that so much, I really do Evelyn, but I'm truly fine—though right now I'm more worried about you," she expressed, her anxious voice making me worried of what she may be thinking of me currently.

"I'm perfectly fine Hermione, no worries here," I smiled as she took a deep breath and looked back up at me as her eyes met mine.

"You've been distressed from the last three of our studying Horcrux sessions, and you're usually talkative about your ideas and other things in general. I love hearing about it and all you've been quiet now as if something is bothering you, and I'm worried about you," a brief pause, "what's bothering you, Evelyn?"

"Hermione, nothing is bothering me, believe me."

"Those are the exact words you told me in the third year when something happened, and then you ended up destroying the prefect's bathroom which thankfully no one found out beside me, Blaise, and Bonnie so would you quite with the 'I'm fine' facade, you quit suck at lying I must say," she sounded troubled underneath her sweet voice.

"I'll pretend that didn't feel painful," I mocked her words as she seriously looked at me. "Alright—alright, maybe there is something that's bothering me, it's quite stupid actually and does not make sense at all if you ask me. I usually blame it on my mind, and it's great talent and overthinking and overworking every single thing, but then it's my gut feeling that keeps me confused, so you see what I mean when I say it's complicated?"

"That doesn't sound complicated at all," she arched her brow, flipping through the pages smoothly again.

"It doesn't?"

"Not at all, you sound normal," she said.

"I'm far from normal Hermione, I'm anything but normal."

"We're all messed up in our own crazy ways Evelyn, we do the most deranged things, and sometimes it just makes sense, it sounds insane I know but isn't it true? Sometimes our minds overthink because we're clinging onto that tiny bit of hope still living within us, and I'd say that's pretty human, to hope," she flipped through the pages, running her finger through the lines of the pages as her eyes kept flickering back to mine and the words. "You consider yourself mad I believe, you aren't, you just feel more than usual than others, you could say."

"More than others?"

"Yes, more than others. You try to achieve more with them on an emotional level you could say, you've always been so good with words and dealing with such things. I've always loved the way your mind breaks down things and how you are so understanding—I could kill someone, and you'd still find a way to both justify why I did it but also make me realize just because it felt right doesn't mean it was."

"Oh."

She laughed. "Yes, 'oh' but you do need to realize that it's okay to not understand certain things in your life."

"Could that also apply to feelings?" She looked up—jolted.

"Feelings?—Yes—yes it could, is there someone?"

"Someone?"

"I'm pretty sure you're referring to someone because you wouldn't sit there, and think about someone who's just a friend, am I wrong?"

"I—I don't know, it's really stupid—"

"Feelings aren't dumbfounded Evelyn, they're very much real, and I know you think of them differently and as an enemy, but maybe they're just trying to be friends?"

"That is something that's impossible because the universe already has a card game with me and let's just say all of them are against me," I uttered as she sighed.

"Are you saying that to satisfy the overthinking dilemma in your head or just because you don't want to deal with it straight up and deep down you know it's killing you?"

I blinked.

"So who is this someone?"

"It's not really about someone but what that someone could be," I expressed shyly, looking down at the pointy sides of the book below me. "It feels like I'm in a game where there are no rules, and you're just making them as you go along like they're so given endings or beginnings, it's all of you."

"So you're scared that you can't blame the universe for what happens anymore, but now I'd be all on you instead? You're scared of having the paint on your hands?"

"I guess you can put it like that as much as I hate to admit it," I began picking on my nails as she spoke to me as I looked away so concentrated on my hands as my mind wandered away from all the words that were coming out of Hermione's mouth.

I was on the last level of insanity for feeling such a way, for feeling so consumed by such energy—for feeling so pulled in as if it was something that belonged to me—something that felt like mine.

The feelings are so unclear yet the memory of it remains.

It is terrifying when you finally accept things that you constantly run away from, constantly push away—it's tough and dense.

He was like whiskey in a teacup.

There are two reasons why people don't talk about things, it's either because it means nothing to them or everything.

Atelophobia, the fear of being imperfect—the fear of not being enough, the fear of feeling you can't feel loved—that you're easy to leave.

It's a bit tragic, really, isn't it?

But at the end of the day, we're all humans—drunk on the idea of how to love and only love could heal our brokenness and save us from the ruins of this world.

—

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I quiet liked this chapter.