Wanting Julian

Chapter 32.

This was probably one of the worst days of my life.

I was in so much shock I was numb. As soon as that woman who Xavier called 'mother' had that gun pointed at me, my legs went numb and I couldn't move, even if I had tried.

I wish I had moved out of the way. I wish I told Xavier that I was okay, that his mother wasn't going to shoot me. I wish I had helped. Maybe Xavier wouldn't be fighting for his life if I did.

I knew I couldn't blame this on myself. It wasn't me, it was her, yet I kept thinking about the what ifs.

I felt like a mess at this moment as I sat on one of the hard plastic chairs. My cheeks were wet and red from my tears, my head was pounding in effect.

God, please be okay.

I felt so helpless. There wasn't anything I could do to help. Xavier was in the hands of the doctors and nurses here at the hospital and all I had to do was sit and wait.

But sitting and waiting was the hardest thing. What if things weren't going to be okay? Xavier had confessed for the first time that he loved me, I wanted to jump up and down with joy. But he was fighting in a hospital bed, a bullet in his chest and now I had nothing to jump in joy for.

And God, did I love him too.

I laid my head in my hands and cried some more. I think my tears were all gone and wasted.

Hours had gone by and I couldn't get the image of Xavier lying on his bed, his breathing getting weaker and weaker and his eyes dropping fast out of my head.

I had screamed and cried and shook him to wake up but he wouldn't.

They had to act fast and operate. I didn't know what was going on and what was going to happen, but I was praying.

A part of me wished it was me, not him. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve anything that had happened to him throughout his life. My heart constricted.

My poor Xavier.

I finally took my hands from off my face and flickered my eyes up. I saw a doctor walking towards me and my heart rate spiked.

I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to be sick, I wanted to cry.

"Any news?" I stood up from my chair, my skin become clammy. The doctor stood infront of me, his face a picture of sympathy.

"We've got him stabilised. The bullet is out of his chest and the bleeding has settled. I don't know what road he is going to take, but atleast he is stable for now." The doctor exclaimed. His silver hair was a mess on top of his head. "He is still knocked out from the anaesthesia, but it won't be long until he wakes up. You can come and see him now if you wish." I nodded my head in reply and he smiled.

"Thank you." I breathed.

"He was lucky." The doctor stated.

The doctor continued to lead me towards Xavier's  room. I was nervous. I didn't want to see him so fragile and hurt.

My legs felt heavy and I wanted to sit down.

But my heart flooded with relief. It wasn't a hundred percent certain he was okay, but there was a big chance he would be. I was relieved. Maybe everything would be okay after all.

He was a hero in my eyes, because it could have been me. Easily.

The doctor opened the door quietly for me and allowed me to enter. I kept my head down, afraid to see what I would see if I looked at Xavier. 

When I finally plucked up the courage and made my way to the side of his, I took hold of his hand and looked up to see him lying there.

He looked pale and fragile, like I knew he would. His chest was covered up and he wore the nightgown the hospital gave him. His eyes were closed just as if he were sleeping.  I was happy he couldn't see me yet, I looked a mess.

But I knew he probably wouldn't have cared.

The thing is, this man who claimed he could never love anyone, had said he loved me. This man who claimed he wasn't romantic, could definitely be romantic when he wanted. This man had a bad childhood and a shitty mother, yet still tried to give me his all.

He wasn't perfect, he wasn't always like those romantic flower giving makes you see, but he was mine and I was in love.

Not everything added up of course to do with his family, and I know he will tell me all about it, all his secrets when he wakes up.

I couldn't wait for him to wake up. I needed to know he was okay.

When he did awake however, I was going to have to ring Katie and Mali to tell them where I was. They had tried to ring me all evening. I couldn't pick up.

I sat down in one of the leather chairs situated right next to the bed. I laid my head on the bed right next to Xavier.

It must have been an hour and I hadn't realised I had fallen asleep. I looked at the clock from above the bed and sighed.

It was late at night and I was exhausted.

Suddenly, the hand I was hanging on to felt like it twitched. I flickered my eyes up to Xavier.

"Xav?" I whispered. I squeezed his hand slightly. "Xav?" I repeated.

"Em." He croaked. His eyes were still closed but he squeezed my hand back. I let out a huge breath of relief. My eyes welled up but I didn't want to cry again. I had cried too much already.

"Xavier, you're awake." I breathed. Finally.

"Yes, I told you I wouldn't leave." He swallowed. "Em, I have something to say-"

Before Xavier could say what he needed to say, a nurse came barrelling into the room.

"You're awake, that's great." She stated. She came closer to the bed. I looked at her hopefully. "Things seem good, you were a very lucky man."

"I am." Xavier replied and his eyes flickered to mine. He smiled, his eyes open now, and I smiled back.

I was so happy he was okay, and that the bullet to his chest didn't cause much damage. He had lost blood but not enough to cause a lot of damage. I was grateful.

The small lady who had dark hair and a chubby face did the things she needed to do before leaving ten minutes later smiling as she did so.

The room was silent for a few minutes and I was so full of anxiety and relief.

I knew Xavier was strong, but I didn't realise how much.

"I have a lot to tell you, Em." Xavier grabbed my hand and I looked to him. "I haven't been exactly truthful to you and I had a lot of secrets."

"I know." I whispered. I had known all along that he was hiding things and fighting his own battles. I had tried to push it out of him, but I didn't want to do that anymore.

"I will tell you all of them, I promise." He squeezed my hand. "You deserve that much." He sighed.

"Don't beat yourself up about it." I shrugged. "I trust you." And I trusted him more than ever after that stupid and foolish thing he had done to protect me.

I laid my head against his hand and breathed in his scent. I was so scared something bad was going to happen and I would never see him again. I was petrified that he was going to go and I was going to be left here with nothing but his blood on my hands and my t shirt.

"Fucking hell, Em." He burst. He looked to me, his eyes full of worry and anger and sadness all in one. My heart lept for him. "What did you think you were doing running after me like that? You could have been shot, by my own fucking mother." He fumed.

"I didn't know your mother was talking to you and I definitely didn't know your mother had a gun." I lowered my head but decided to lift it as I looked to him with confusion. "I didn't know your mother was alive." Xavier sighed in reply.

"I'll tell you everything, but not now, I just want to show you how sorry I am."

"Sorry?" I questioned. "You have nothing to be sorry for! You saved me."

"I got you into that mess in the first place. I should have told you, I shouldn't have been so stupid to ever have put you in that position in the first place." He put a hand to his head. "I'm a fucking mess."

"You're my mess." I replied, hoping to make him smile. I didn't like seeing him like this. I wanted him happy. Happy and healthy.

"I am." Xavier breathed.

The room was full of silence again. I could almost hear Xavier's heart beating. He was so tense and I knew he was worried about something. I didn't want to push any information out of him just yet. He still wasn't healthy enough for that.

He was probably worried and anxious about his mother and what had happened. I was worried too.

His mother was still out there, she was out there roaming the streets knowing what she had done. How could she have ran away? Xavier was her son.

Xavier was full of so much love and positivity, even when his past had knocked that down. Even when his mother had taken every ounce of it away from him.

Now, it felt like I didn't know Xavier like I thought I did. I was so sure I knew enough about his past, I know I didn't know everything but everything he did tell me I thought was the truth.

I didn't blame him for lying to me, some people have shit pasts and sometimes it's embarrassing to let it all out in the open. Sometimes, you couldn't help everyone's demons straight away. They just needed space.

I looked to Xavier. The light bounded of his hair. His brown eyes looked so dark and gloomy. He looked so good even when it was so late at night. But I didn't know what to do to help. I didn't know how to reach out.

He was so handsome, so raw and fresh. He was not really a person I would go for, and he wasn't always the most romantic. But I had fallen in love with him more than I ever thought I would have.

It goes to show that your type isn't always 'your type.'

His attitude and personality had drawn me in from the beginning. He was so lonely and moody, it compelled me to help him, even when he didn't need it or want it. But he was like a magnet, he pulled in every woman he saw.

"Fuck, Em, don't look at me like that." He groaned. His squeezed his eyes shut. I snapped out of my day dream and looked to him.

"Like what?"

"Full of all that love and sympathy. I don't deserve any of it, Angel." His brows furrowed. I sat closer to him.

"You deserve love, you deserve happiness." I stated. "You deserve everything I give to you. I love you." It went silent. I started to panic. "And you said you loved me too." Xavier sighed.

"I told myself if I ever made it alive,  I would do something."

My heart started pounding and I looked to him with fear. He wasn't looking at me but at his own hands. He was nervous.

"I've never ever thought about doing this, I've never even had it in my mind to do this, but I promised myself I wouldn't coward out. I want this more than anything."

"What? What is it?" I was panicking now. Nothing made sense.

"I don't know how to do this, Em. Do I get down on one knee? I haven't got a ring either or anything like that. Shit." He laid his hands to his face. I gasped and looked to him with widened eyes.

"What?" I whispered. Xavier didn't hear me, he was too busy rambling off about something. It felt like my whole world was spinning fast on its axis.

"Fuck it." Xavier looked to me, his eyes wide with fear. He grabbed hold of my hand. My heart was beating so fast. My palms were sweating.

"Xavier-"

"Marry me."

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Hope you enjoyed!! It's not a massive chapter but I hope it's effective. XXXX