Chapter 37.

"Daddy!" I screamed with joy. I was so giddy with excitement, my daddy was swinging me around and around and around.

His eyes were bright with joy, his smile was big and all for me. Daddy loved me, he was always telling me.

"You like that, baby boy?" He chuckled at my eager giggle. He set me down, I moaned until I was in his arms again. "Come on, lets go inside."

"No!" I protested. I liked it out here with daddy, just me and daddy.

"Come on, we've got to go inside, mummy will be looking for us." Before I could protest again, mummy came marching down the steps from the house, she took me away from daddy. She gripped me hard, my body stung from the dig of her nails as she grabbed me.

I tried to reach out to daddy. I wanted daddy.

"No!" I screamed. "No!"

"Stop screaming, you're mine." She pulled me away, I tried to get him, the soul shattering look on his face breaking my heart. No!

I needed him.

I struggled and struggled and struggled. I needed to get out of her grip. I didn't want her. I didn't need her. It was no use. I wasn't strong enough.

I looked down and suddenly my body began to get bigger, my arms were bigger, hairier. I was bigger. I used all my strength to break free.

I made it.

My rage turned to hot blooded fury and I pounded the face in front of me. I pounded until blood was splattering from my knuckles and the face under them. I pounded until I couldn't hear the screams.

Suddenly, the face of my mother wasn't hers, it was Emily's. I screamed.

I had killed her.

"No!" I gasped as I woke up with a sweat. My body was drenched, my heart pounding. I sat up straight gasping for breath, anything to get me to breathe.

Panic gripped me tightly, I heaved before racing to the toilet and emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

I sat on the cold tiled floors for what seemed like hours. Fury hit me. I needed Emily, it had been two days already and she hadn't contacted me.

I kept texting her. I tried reaching out hoping she'd contact me back, anything. I told her I loved her, told her I missed her, needed her, had to have her. How could she do this? How could she put me through this?

I had woken up to these kind of nightmares since that night she left. My mind was a mess and I didn't know what to do. I needed her, I had to have her, needed to know if she still loved me.

I was selfish and fucked up. She didn't have to accept me, but I really fucking wanted her to. I wanted her to love me so strongly she had no choice but to stay, even if it broke her.

I got up from the tiled floor and made my way into the shower quickly. It took ages for the grime and sweat to leave. I was clean on the outside but my head felt so clogged up and I hated myself.

I hated how I had gotten into this mess. Emily deserved better than this.

I stayed in the shower, my head against the tiles until the sun rose. I was too broken to move.

When the courage finally grew, I got out of the shower to chuck on a dark t shirt and sweats. I checked my phone but nothing came up. I threw it on the bad in fury. I needed to know if she was okay, I needed her right now. Why was she leaving me to go out of my mind?

She knew what she was doing to me.

Suddenly, a knock at the door made my heart leap out of my chest. I hadn't been able to move from the room since she left, too scared to look at the door. I knew I would be barging my way in there if she did. I needed to give her space if that's what she wanted, even though it killed me to give it to her.

Hope bloomed inside of my chest anyway. Had Emily come back to tell me everything was going to be okay? Hell, my body buzzed at the thought.

I ran to the door and opened it. My hope sizzled and I grunted at Nick who leaned neatly across the door.

"I heard you've been cooped up in your room for the last few days." He said matter of factly. He saw the disappointment on my face but didn't seem to comment on it. I was glad. I was hoping he was Emily.

"What do you want?" I croaked.

"Can I come in?" Nick asked. I moved to the side to let him enter. He stepped over the cans on the floor flung himself back on the sofa.

I wasn't fit company right now, I was hoping he'd get the message and leave.

"You can stop looking at me like that." Nick exclaimed. I scowled deeper his way. "Emily was concerned about you." My heart lept at her name. Concerned about me?

"Why hasn't she called? Hell, even a text would have done me fine." The realisation made me angry.

My emotions were a mixture of grief for her and fury that she was putting me through this. She knew I was fucked up, she knew how much this would hurt. It hurt more than anything. Her silence was killing me.

"She needs space, bro. Calm your fucking tits and sit down for a second." I hesitantly sat beside him on the sofa. I did nothing but stare at the knot in my fingers. "What's going on, dude?"

"I think she's leaving me." My heart broke that little bit more just saying it.

"She loves you."

"She did, but I fucked up everything just like I knew I would. I always do." I sighed. "I thought she had learned to accept me for who I am, I told her I was going to fuck up, I didn't really expect her to be leaving so fast."

"You can't make that an excuse for what you did to her, man. You did something you knew she was totally against, with that you also hurt her, not just mentally."

"I didn't want to fucking hurt her!" The rage blew through my body like smoke. I couldn't contain it, not without Emily.

"Meaning to or not, you did. I don't think she'll leave you, I think she's just thinking things over. She loves you too much to let go, even when you're a dickhead." Nick laid a hand across my back in comfort. It did nothing for the split in my heart. "Have a little faith. There's just something in our blood that fucks everything up when we find something worth fighting for. Emily's hard headed, she won't let you go."

"Why are you so sure?" I asked. He didn't need the faith, our relationship wasn't going to break him. Her leaving wouldn't effect him. He didn't have a say in this.

"Because I know how girls function." He sighed. "Listen, we're prone to fucking up, you need to show her you're going to change."

"How do I show her that?"

"Have you ever thought about therapy?" My head snapped to his.

"I'm not doing it." I let out. Therapy? I didn't need anyone meddling in my business, in my relationship with Emily. They were not going to help.

"Why not? Emily's seen your nightmares, she knows why you do the things you do the majority of the time. If she doesn't like it, which I suppose she doesn't, then she'll need to know that you're willing to show her you won't hurt her again-"

"I didn't hurt her on purpose." I growled. Why did he keep bringing that up?

"I know." He held his hands up in defence. "It'll show her you'll do anything for her. Women need reassurance, she needs to know she's safe with you and if something bad happens you won't be out on the prowl for a brawl. Marriage isn't just love it's family. She's thinking ahead whilst you're too busy thinking about the now."

"What are you getting at?"

"The thing is, pal, marriage means children most of the time. If you're out brawling now, getting in to fights, putting yourself in danger, what does that say about you? Will you change? She doesn't want to take such a big risk in marrying you just for you to put her, yourself or even your children at risk even when that possibility is years away. Some women like to think of the future and just because you haven't thought of that it doesn't mean she hasn't either." I sat there and reeled. I didn't know what to think.

The thought of children made me panic. It siezed me inside and out. How could I ever protect my child? I was going to be a shit dad. I was so fucked up I could barely love Emily the way she wanted to be loved let alone an innocent child. I couldn't do that.

But just like Nick said, Emily was thinking about that even when I couldn't bare to do so. She always thought of everything. She was so strong, so self assured, so prepared for every thing life throwed at her.

If therapy was what it would take to get her back, I'd do it. I'd do anything I didn't want to do, that discomfort was nothing to the way my heart felt without her. I'd do anything to get her back.

"Where do I start?"

"I'll get you a number." Nick finalised. He pulled out his phone and started tapping away. It didn't take long before he shoved a number in front of my face and made me dial it.

I looked to him with uncertainty. He gave me a comforting look and I took hold of the phone.

"Ring them and see what they say." Nick stated. I nodded. I took a breath, trying not to show Nick how nervous I was.

I had always been against therapy. My mother had tried to force it on me, but I would never ever go with it. I didn't trust who she'd hire. They'd brain wash me just as much as she did.

I didn't want to tell anyone, let alone a stranger the things I was feeling. And right now, with my heart broken in to two, I didn't want to share that either. I didn't want to share what ever was left of my relationship with Emily. I wanted her back, now, I was too impatient to wait any longer for her.

Yet, I knew I had to put in the effort. Things weren't going to work if I didn't. I just hoped she'd still want me. I just hoped all of this was worth it.

"Go on, buddy." Nick encouraged. I took the phone into the bedroom and sat down on the bed waiting for someone to answer.

The wait seemed so long, by the fifth ring I was ready to hang up and give up, but someone answered swiftly.

"Uh, hi." Shit, what was wrong with me?

"Hello there, this is Dr Webster, what can I help you with today?" His voice sounded soft and genuine and I swallowed to get the lump down my throat and away so I could talk.

"Hello, um, can I make an appointment?"

"Sure thing, what's your name?" I told him. He asked me for more details and I gave it to him. However, there was one thing on my mind. How much would this therapy cost? I didn't have the money to afford something drastic. I let out my thoughts. "It comes off the insurance you pay." I wasn't quite sure what he meant but he reassured me it would be fine.

"So, when can I come in?"

"I've got a space free tonight, if you'd like to come in." I took in a breath. Wow, so soon too.

"Sure."

We spoke for a little while longer. He told me directions and I wrote them down on tissue.  It wasn't long before we hung up.

I was sceptical.

I made my way back in to the living room and Nick looked to me questioningly. I nodded and he smiled in reply.

"This will work, trust me, for her and for you." I nodded, but I was still so skeptical. I hoped he was right.

------

When I was ready, I went to my car. Passing Emily's room was so hard. I wondered what she was doing. Was she thinking about me? Missing me just like I was. I sort of hoped it hurt her just as much as it did me. I hoped she still wanted me. I didn't want her to move on, I couldn't picture her with anyone else.

The thought made me tighten the wheel tightly as I drove. It made me stick to the stomach.

It didn't take long before I was parked outside the small building where Dr Webster was situated. It was a small, brown bricked building with a black metal door.

I got out of the car and opened it. Inside was a small reception desk and the girl at the desk waved me forward. I signed in and she directed me to Dr Webster.

There were chairs outside of his door, his door brown with his name on a plaque on the outside. I sat there and waited until he opened the door and I went inside.

His office was full of neutral, calming colours. Browns, blues, whites, it was soothing and all but my heart pounded against my chest. What would he say? What would he make me tell him? I wasn't good at expressing my feelings.

The man was tall, lanky and his eyes brown and kind. They twinkled and his mouth was set into a charming smile. He looked genuine and it calmed me only for a little while.

"Hello, Xavier." His voice was smooth. I shook his hand firmly when he offered. He sat down on his chair and made me sit opposite him. I did as I was told. "What brings you here, Xavier? How are you feeling?"

"Not the best to be honest." I seemed awkward, I didn't know how to react. "I'm sorry, I'm not good at expressing my feelings."

"That's quite okay, you just say what you need to say, I'll never force you to say something if you don't want to say it." I smiled thankfully his way.

"I"m fucked up, I lost my girlfriend because I can't keep my hands to myself." He grabbed his tablet and wrote down things with his stylus.

"Do you mean you cheated on her, Xavier?"

"Good god, no!" I let out a little too forcefully, Christ. "No, I mean I'm a brawler."

"And what makes you feel the need to fight?"

"Anger, being out of control, out of my depths, I'm not too sure."

"So fighting is a comforting thing to do when your feelings are getting a little too much?" I nodded and he wrote down what I had said.  "Did you ever express to your girlfriend how you were feeling?" I thought about it for a second and realised I didn't, I never told her how I was really feeling about anything.

"I'm a bit of a dick to her sometimes, she kind of just has to guess because I'm being irrational." I shrugged.

"How did she take it?"

"Not always very well."

"And so what made you split up?"

"I hurt her, not intentionally. Something bad happened with my mother and I prowled for a fight when we went to the club on Saturday. I had looked for a fight and she got in the middle of it, I hurt her." I looked down in shame.

A man could love her properly. A man could love her and cherish her and all I did was hurt her, if not physically then mentally. It killed me. I was so fucked up it hurt our relationship. I hated my mother so much right now for that, I despised her for ruining things with Emily.

"But you didn't do it on purpose did you? You love her, right?"

"I love her too much, I'm so in love with her I'm
breaking now that we're apart." I became restless. Talking about Emily wasn't easy when I felt the way I did. I couldn't sit still, my feelings were too strong and letting my feelings out was very uncomfortable for me.  But I wanted to do it, I wanted to do it for her.

Look, Emily, I'm trying.

"Have you ever thought about telling her exactly how you feel? It's obvious you love her and I bet she loves you too. Your feelings obviously get in the way and you don't know how to express them, especially to somebody you love. You find it hard to accept the fact she's accepting you, rather than being grateful she is."  He hit the nail square on the head.

"She's too good for me, doc."

"And she probably thinks the same about you." He laid the tablet back down on the desk. "Do you want to go for a walk?" He asked. He looked at me and the way I fidgeted on the couch. "I can tell you're an active man, let's continue this session outside of the office."

"Are there people around?" It was hard enough talking to him let alone the rest of the building.

"I've got a basketball court down the hall, you any good at basketball?" He asked. I nodded shyly. "Great, lets shoot some hoops."

We got out of the office and made our way down the hall. He opened the two metal doors and the court was large and absent of people. I looked to him and he led me through.

He grabbed a ball from the side and threw it at me. I caught it and shifted with unease.

"Have you ever thought about letting off steam another way?" Dr Webster asked. He held out his hands and I threw him the ball. He caught it with ease and dribbled it around me.

"Not really." He threw the ball back and I took a shot on target. The ball went through the hoop even though I was metres away. Dr Webster looked to me, impressed.

"Maybe you should."

"How?" I tossed him back the ball once I had retrieved it.

"Putting your energy into something else." He dribbled around my again and took a shot. The ball went through the hoop with ease. "Sport. You're good at this."

"I guess." I shrugged. If it would help, I'd do it.

"We do matches here, we have a trained coach and all of the patients here come to play. You could join."

"Sounds good." He passed me the ball.

"Wednesdays."

"Okay, I'll think about it." I wasn't used to playing in a team. I hated being sociable and my team skills were usually shit. I was used to being an individual in everything I did.

I dribbled around him and took another shot on target. It went through the hoop and satisfaction masked my face.

"Putting your energy into something else may take your mind off the overwhelming feelings, give you time to relax so you won't hurt your girlfriend." He dribbled. "What's her name?"

"Emily." I said her name and my heart leaped at her name. God, I needed her.

"Does she challenge you?" His eyes were a light with humour.

"More than you'd know. She's good for me, she challenges me, makes me think of things from her perspective not just mine. She brought me out of my shell, she made me confident." And I'd always love her for that. I wish she'd come back.

"And I bet you're good for her too." I scoffed. I really wish I was. "You are, Xavier. You seem a very intelligent young man. Your past doesn't define you."

"How do you know I've got a past?" I stopped, sweat pouring down the back of my dark top.

"I've been doing this for years, Xavier." I nodded my head and passed him the ball. "How do you and Emily usually solve problems?"

"I don't know. I tell her the things she needs to hear and she tells me what I want to hear. I tell her I'm sorry, I'm so out of control I don't know what to do." I stated truthfully.

"What do you mean by 'what she needs to hear'?" I shrugged. We kept shooting through the hoops.

"I tell her I'm sorry, I tell her I need her and I don't want her to go because it'll break me."

"Emotional black mail?"

"Is that what it is?" He shrugged, letting me think for myself. I sighed. Maybe it was. God, I hated that. "What would you do?"

"I'm not saying it's wrong, if it works for you and Emily then I can't complain." His ease with this sport was thrilling to watch. It made me confident. "Have you ever thought about couples therapy?"

"She's not back with me yet, doc." But I really wished she was.

"So you're doing this for her?"

"I'd do anything for her." I stated. "I just want her back."

With every ounce of my being.