It was such a simple thing to point fingers and condemn those we didn't understand, and to destroy them without first asking ourselves if it was justified. And no matter how hard I tried with words, they were so overrated. We all have to face it, they are never enough.

Stefan did not judge me for what I did, and I had a hard time believing that that moment when I confessed my crime to him, really happened. Before that, he has made it clear to me on several occasions that if in a hypothetical case, I was the guilty one, he would understand my reasons completely. He even understood why I decided to hide it from him.

This was not me, for like my mother during her last years, I allowed the worst in me to take over my judgment, the only difference was that I knew how to shift it to the right person. Did I regret it? I will say it again, no.

What I did actually saved twelve hundred employees from going through what my mother went through, thus sparing their families what I would have liked to have spared myself. Also, apparently Peter's daughter —my sister— took over the reins of the company and people couldn't have been more thrilled with her kindness and leadership.

Was what I did really wrong? I guess not, but my way of dealing with it cost me the love of my life.

Marcia met me when I was at a stage where the waters were beginning to calm and normality in my life seemed to resume. What used to be a thousand demons torturing my mind day and night, became a little devil on my shoulder that was just a minor annoyance. Yes, just like in the cartoons. That's when I met her.

By that I mean, she never had to pick me up at my house in the middle of the night when the fights my mother always managed to bring up, seemed to take on a greater degree than I was used to. She never had to stay up at night making superhuman efforts to get me to calm down. She never had to hide or throw away all the sharp things in her house. She never had to lock into the cellar of the pharmacy with me to cure the cigarette marks over my skin. She didn't help me get rid of that need my mother instilled in me, which was to punish me every time something bad happened.

Marcia Clark didn't have to do any of that, because by the time she came into my life, someone else had done all that for me.

However, she had brought a new approach to my life. I knew only black and white, chaos and serenity, hot and cold. I was aware that there was a middle ground in between, and she brought that balance I once longed for. I could find that balance again on my own, make it happen myself, but honestly, I didn't want any of it if she wasn't by my side. I didn't want to find it anywhere else or in anyone else but her.

The older woman also taught me that the experiences we once took for granted could be regained as long as we were alive. What was wrong with being an adult and enjoying the amenities of Go Karts like the kids did? Absolutely nothing. It was evident that other adults in the various places we visited, took great pains to look like they hated being there, perhaps because they preferred to look mature to other adults they would never see again in their lives, rather than join their children and have a great time anyway. That's what I loved about Marcia, she knew perfectly well that nobody cared, and if they did, there was no way it would be her problem. She would never deprive herself of being happy and thus making her children happy, just to avoid a look or a gesture from a third party.

I saw a lot of myself in those kids, and they might enjoy going for walks or playing all afternoon, but it was inevitable that, from time to time, it would cross their minds to wish that their mother was with them, and to do something different and more fun with her. Not only did I heal my inner child by somehow reliving my childhood, Marcia also allowed me to help her so that her children really had nothing to heal in the future. I loved those children, I have long loved them as if they were also my own.

When I lost everything again, six days passed in which I was already very comfortable in my flat, slowly rotting away. I didn't bother to look for another job, or to go to Marcia's house to get my other belongings, because just setting foot in that place would destroy me. The money I had saved to maybe buy a state-of-the-art television was beginning to dwindle as I bought the junk food I ordered the few times I felt like eating.

But of course that wouldn't last forever. My best friend would eventually wonder why he hadn't heard from me for so many days.

As he surveyed the mess my home had become, he made no expression that would cause me to cringe at myself, which was to be expected from the most understanding man I had ever met. All he seemed to care about was me.

"When you want to talk to me about what happened, I'll be here," was the first thing he said before he hugged me.

I reciprocated, and contrary to what I thought, I didn't cry at all. I had cried enough, all the sadness was out of me, the only thing that remained was a huge emptiness that caused me to live almost on autopilot, where I only breathed, slept and ate.

When I told him everything that had happened, after I had let him inside, I didn't express a single emotion either. I told it as if I were recounting an ordinary day.

"... I'm sorry I have to burden you again with my ramblings. You always have to pick me up when I fall, again and again," I concluded. I couldn't help but feel guilty, for there have been enough times where I have dragged him down, and on this occasion, I wanted to leave him alone.

"Don't you dare ever say that. You're my friend, and what are friends for? I love you, and I'll stand by you, always," he assured me.

"How did you find out about this?" I asked, knowing that he hadn't called my flat and that there was a chance that Marcia herself had told him.

"I went to Marcia's house to drop off gifts for both of you. She just handed me the one you had prepared for me and told me to leave," he began. From the tone of the last word, I knew there was more. "When she said you were no longer living with her because all this time you lied to her, I told her she was a heartless, coward bitch for abandoning you after the first inconvenience. She didn't like that at all. I got a slap in the face."

"Oh holy shit, Stefan! Really?" I exclaimed, "who the fuck does she think she is?"

"It's okay, it didn't even hurt," he said. "She still loves you, and she knows what I told her is true, otherwise it wouldn't have hurt her enough for her to slap me."

"She's right to be upset with me. For a long time I lied to her and I had plenty of opportunities to tell her the truth."

"You didn't know how and you were afraid, you did it at the time you considered opportune, and she should respect that."

"What do I do now?"

"Get your life together," he replied after a moment, "go take a relaxing shower, and I'll pick everything up here."

"It's not fair, look at all those dirty dishes, all that packing rubbish..."

"Shush! Do as I tell you," he interrupted me. "Let's start here. If you go after her right now, it's a fact that she'll reject you, she'll tear you apart even more. You must learn to live without her first, then you can decide with a cool head if you really want to try again. If the answer is yes, the rejection won't affect you as much."

What he said to me, was something I would remember for the rest of my life for sure. He was so right.

That day I took a long, thorough shower, brushed my hair and put on clean clothes. By the time I got out, my whole flat was as clean as I used to keep it, even cleaner, for it was no surprise that Stefan was somewhat obsessive about it.

The next day, I got my job back at the pharmacy, and my boss apologized for the "misunderstanding" which was the whole truth after all. I didn't even care about lying to everyone around me anymore, the only people I cared about knew the truth.

It was around six o'clock on the evening of January 2nd of the following year when I received a phone call that sent everything inside me into turmoil.

"Travis? How did you get this number?" I asked, shocked in every way. So many questions came to my mind in just an instant.

"I searched my mom's agenda this morning while she was getting ready. You know she always leaves it on the living room table in her maroon suitcase," he replied. "Listen, she didn't want to explain to us why you left and why a new nanny is taking care of us now, we just know that you broke up."

I felt enormous gratitude towards the brown-haired woman as soon as I heard that. Something that haunted me so much was that she had told Travis and Kyle what I did, and it pained me to think they hated me. It was such a relief to know that she didn't do it.

"That's right, we broke up," I confirmed, also not giving the matter much thought.

"I hope that doesn't change anything. We love you, we want you to visit us. We miss you," he confessed.

Oh, how I adored those children. The fact that they had gone out of their way to contact me and assure me that they wanted to keep seeing me was enough to make me cry for the first time just when I thought my eyes were dried out.

I cleared my throat, "uhm.... tomorrow I can buy lunch and spend my break time with you. How about it?" I proposed.

He agreed excitedly, and in the distance, I heard his younger brother say "what?" repeatedly before he hung up.

I knew I was taking a huge risk by doing that, for although Marcia had a time to get home most of the days, it was not a fixed time. Just as she might be home by five o'clock in the afternoon, she might be home by four o'clock or midnight as well. Depending on how the other cases in her care were progressing. That meant there was a chance that she would find me at home, which would not go down well.

Still, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make, for Kyle and Travis.

I definitely wasn't in the condition to have children, but if my heart was in it, I considered them the best stepchildren in the world and I truly loved them as if they were really my sons. I didn't think I was ready to feel this kind of affection, but in the most unexpected way, I knew I was, thanks to Marcia.

When I arrived to Marcia's home, I was surprised to find someone else, a new babysitter.

I felt that a place I somehow possessed within the house, as my little role, had been taken away from me, and I was so quickly replaced as soon as Marcia returned to work.

However, when both children ran up to me and celebrated, that feeling seemed to vanish with the speed of light. I was, by no means, replaceable. I had a more special place within that house, far more perennial than anyone else could ever occupy.

"This is Catherine," Travis introduced me to the new nanny, who as soon as I saw her, I knew she was very committed to not only take care, but to proportionate genuine attention to Travis and Kyle.

"Hi, nice to meet you," I greeted her politely.

She smiled broadly in greeting, "likewise."

"I'll take the kids out for a pizza, or some burgers nearby. We'll be back in an hour," I told her.

"Sure... does Miss Clark know?" She questioned.

"Oh, well, I-"

Oh, how I wish that at least this time, the previous babysitter was here. Besides knowing me, she wouldn't have questioned me at all. It was a fact that she would do anything to spend more time on the phone.

"(Y/N) is family, that's why we have a picture of all of us together on the fridge," Travis interjected.

I arched an eyebrow.

Did Marcia still have the Polaroid from that day? Wasn't the hope that she would forgive me completely far-fetched?

"Ohhhh! That's right! In that case, have fun," she agreed.

"Marcia better not find out I'm here. She hates it when kids eat junk food, but how can you resist spoiling these little darlings?" I said, keeping in mind that, the outcome of this request could go either very well, or very badly.

"No problem, I'll take the opportunity to order something for myself."

After having left the house, both children and I, started walking, heading for a stall that was only seven minutes away. It had a few tables under a canopy, which was very convenient if customers were looking to eat out and not just pick up.

"Is the photograph still in the same place?

"My mom tried to put it down," Kyle replied, "but we always put it back, so she gave up and stopped doing it."

Wow, this hurt, but not as much as if she had done her best to make sure that her children would also end up hating me. At least I could have the opportunity agree with her to at least allow me to visit them.

And as if the universe was conspiring against me, I saw Marcia's car approaching us.

Shit, shit, shit...

We couldn't run and go home, the only thing left was to accept that she had already seen us, and get ready to face whatever was about to happen.

The car stopped with a hard braking, provoking the tyres to screech against the pavement.

The brown-haired woman got out of the car and before I could even think of what to say to her, I felt an unparalleled burning in my cheek.

"What the fuck don't you understand? This is fucking over," was the first thing she said, and I had never heard so much anger in her voice. Not even when I confessed to her what I did. But there was a difference, this time there was no disappointment involved, it was pure rage.

But I had to understand her. I was her ex, and I had nothing to do with her anymore. There was a reason she chose to mail back my things instead of letting me go pick them up. She was very clear in telling me that she didn't want me back in her life.

"No! Mom! If you have to be mad, be mad at us," Travis exclaimed, noticeably shocked at how she reacted.

"Kids, get in the car right now," she ordered. Her face had taken on a deep scarlett blush.

"But, we..." objected Kyle.

"Listen to your mom," I said so fast so my voice wouldn't shake.

They both sighed and did as they were asked.

"Why? Just... why?" she asked.

"Travis called me and told me that he and Kyle missed me," I began to explain, avoiding her gaze at all costs. "I missed them too, which is why I offered to see them today. I'm so, so sorry. I should have asked you, but I was so scared. I love those children as if they were my own and I could not bear it if you denied me to see them."

"If they call you again, don't answer. They will eventually understand that people come and go."

"I know I should have told you the truth, but I was so scared because that man was so powerful even dead!"

"You didn't trust me, which is understandable at first, but I worked so hard to defend someone who all this time put on a mask and played the victim."

"I was the fucking victim!" I yelled, feeling my vision blurring because I had already begun to cry uncontrollably. "That man brought out the worst in my mother, he caused her to commit suicide. Everyday, he went back to his huge mansion to take a bubble bath, while my mother came home to take her anger out on me, screaming at me non-stop while burning cigarettes on my skin."

"(Y/N)...—"

"And even though she's gone, I try to preserve the good memories, I try to preserve the mother I had before that idiot turned her into a monster. I tried to do the right thing, I tried to sue him but it was a matter of a day before he got away with it. So I'm sorry, Marcia, but it's not that I don't trust you, it's that both you and I were victims of an unfair system, and I couldn't tolerate it. But out of all this, something, or rather someone amazing came out of it, and if nothing had happened, I wouldn't have met you."

"I'd prefer that, I'd prefer you to be happy even if it meant never having met me."

"I wasn't happy! The one who brought me back my happiness was you, Marcia Clark. And don't play innocent, for you also lied to me, you said you would love me no matter what!"

"Who said I don't? I love you, and that's why it hurts so much."