Ive been longing to write again

longing to put these feelings into words
To look at them and see them in their smallness and simplicity
And measure them against the rest of life
But they are not small and they are not simple
And they are not just words
They are the knots in my stomach the ball in my throat the pressure on my chest the sleeplessness every night the jumble in my mind the way my finger nails dig into my palms the way my tears feel hot and sting the bruises on my face
they are the emptying of myself within myself the draining out and extinguishing of me
They are the lies that I tell myself and tell to others
They are the forced smiles and fake highs
And I cannot see where they begin or end and I cannot tell when to stop trying to describe them when to stop trying to be clever and make metaphors out of them because they've built up too high to ever express
And if I am
To ever express
They'll teach me how to be ashamed of them even more
How to dilute them sugar coat them
Fear judgement of them
Protect them hide them feed them let them fester
I am typing and erasing
I am rewording and rephrasing
They sound too serious too severe
We mustn't be a burden we mustn't let ourselves be judged maybe they aren't so bad after all
I am typing and erasing
I am never truly sharing
I am fine
Don't bring me pity they don't like it

We are fine