July 2018
Stell's POV

"Are you sure about this?" Justin asked me for the nth time today.

It was another training day at ShowBT. The girls were out, shooting for a dance cover video. The boys and I were left to train in the studio.

Since our bosses had announced that SB19 would be launched soon, Teacher Hong had upped her training, and I came home with more bruises than usual. Mom made sure that our fridge was well stocked with ice. 

"Yes," I offhandedly replied as I scrolled through Lazada, my patience about to wear thin. Justin was definitely testing my patience today.

"Are you sure? Because-"

I did not let him finish. "Jah, please. You've been asking that question too many times now. I'm getting tired of hearing it," I protested.

"You're online shopping for a ring. A ring, Stell. This isn't a wedding proposal," Justin reminded me.

I rolled my eyes. Justin was giving me a hard time all because I decided that I would give Angel a ring after I ask her, "Will you be my girlfriend?" Justin was adamant that I forego the ring idea. 

"Nung college ka di ba nagpunta ka sa nililigawan mo? Di ba nagdala ka ng singsing?" I reminded Justin.

That got him to shut up.

"What's the fuss all about?" Josh asked, setting his bag on the floor.

"Stell is ring shopping," Justin informed him.

"Why?" Josh asked.

"He's planning on giving Angel a ring."

"Are you getting engaged?" Josh asked incredulously.

"Sheesh. What is up with ring giving? Can't you give a ring even if it's not a wedding proposal? Don't place ring giving in a box," I declared, still scrolling through Lazada. I had no time to go to the mall. Plus, my free shipping vouchers were about to expire.

"Ring giving is bad luck. Unless you're proposing for marriage," Josh uttered. 

"Do you have evidence to back that up?" Paulo asked, joining in the conversation. Paulo sat beside me on the floor.

"My own relationship was evidence enough," Josh said bitterly. 

I tried so hard not to roll my eyes at that comment. 

"Things with my first love did not work out also," Justin piped up. "So I guess that's two relationships now. Is that enough evidence?" 

"If you want to give her a ring, then, by all means, do it," Paulo said, unwrapping a hotdog bun that he got from 7/11. He munched on it then continued. "Josh and Justin may share their beliefs with you, but in the end, it's going to be your decision."

Thank you, oh wise one. 

"Hey!"

Ken chose to arrive at that moment, his bag being dragged from the door all the way to our spot on the floor.

"Thanks for cleaning the floor," I said, eyeing his bag. The bottom's color would probably be all gray now. 

Ken yawned. "What are you guys up to?" he asked, leaning on my shoulder.

"I'm thinking of giving Angel a ring, you know? When I'll finally ask her to be my girlfriend?"

Ken nodded. "When's that?"

"As soon as the ring gets here."

"Okay, I'm playing the guitar, and Mhai and I will be singing, right?" Ken clarified.

"That's the plan."

"What's my role?" Justin asked me.

"You will be taking pictures," I replied. "Josh and Paulo will be holding the banner. The girls will be on the side, holding roses while trying to contain their screams."

"Guess that's all set," Paulo said, stretching his arms out. "Now, let's practice. Shall we?"

***

The rest of the day sped by quickly, and before I knew it, I was already walking towards home, under the street lights of Las Piñas. 

"Boo!" 

"Ahhhhhh!" I screamed wildly, my arms flailing all over the place. Mhai was laughing hysterically, clutching her stomach for support. 

I stared at her, a little annoyed.

"You should have seen your face," she wheezed, wiping tears from her eyes. "I wish I had my camera."

"Are you done laughing?" I asked her, willing my voice not to shake. Please don't assume that it's my fault that I was born easily startled. It's an inborn error: that and my fear of clowns. 

"Sorry, Lester," Mhai said, still laughing, not sounding the least bit sorry. Good thing she's my friend, or else. 

"I'm glad I made you laugh," I flatly told her. 

"How was training?" Mhai asked as we began walking towards our houses. 

I shrugged. "Same old, same old." Our training sessions were pretty much repetitive. We have been doing the same thing, six days a week, for two years now. Nothing much shocks us anymore.

"How was your shoot?" I asked Mhai back, glancing at her. Her cheeks seemed a little red than usual. 

"It was tiring. We were shooting under the heat of the sun. But then, we wanted the light to be reflected on our videos, so we had to endure it."

"Are you okay? Were you sunburnt?"

Mhai shook her head. "No. Angel's not sunburnt either.

"I didn't ask about Angel," I protested.

"Well, you were gonna ask anyway. Might as well get it over and done with."

"Are you Madam Auring?" I teased her.

"Pretty much."

We walked a few meters in silence. Mhai seemed deep in thought. Maybe she had too much sun today.

"You seem quiet. Too quiet," I observed. 

"I just have a lot on my mind."

"You're not sick, are you?" I asked, quickly putting my hand on her forehead. 

Mhai quickly swatted my hand away. "I'm fine, Lester," she assured me. "Stop being worried."

"I can't help it. And besides, I don't want you being sick."

"Uh-huh."

"I need you."

Mhai stopped in her tracks. She stared at me. 

"What?" she whispered.

"I need you. I need you to be healthy. You promised to help me out, right? You have to sing a duet with Ken when I ask Angel to be my girlfriend. You promised."

Mhai was silent. She continued to stare at me. 

Geez. What is it with her stare? It's unnerving.

"Okay," she spoke, then she continued walking, faster this time. 

"Mhai?" I asked, walking quickly to catch up with her. 

"I have to go home quickly. I'm a little dizzy," Mhai said, doubling her steps. 

"Uh...."

I slowed my steps. Mhai's walking did seem a little wobbly. She turned left and disappeared into the alley towards her house. I did not bother to catch up to her. Maybe she really was feeling dizzy.

 I hope she'd be okay tomorrow, though. 

***

Mhai's POV

When I was in high school, I watched Notting Hill on DVD. I loved that movie so much that I vowed to watch it once a year. I pretty much memorized the lines, knowing full well what happens in each scene. And yet, I would still continue to watch it because it's my favorite movie. 

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to love her." I had cried when I heard that. It was probably the best line out of a romantic movie. In my opinion, that is. 

Julia Roberts was gorgeous in that movie too. Notting Hill was the reason why I became a huge fan of Madame Julia R. I had scoured the internet for her other movies and had binge-watched them too. 

Julia Roberts became my role model. 

In a magazine article, she quoted: I wish I were a little girl again because skinned knees are easier to fix than a broken heart.

It was my fault, though. It was my fault that my heart got broken. It was my fault for loving someone who does not love me the way I wanted to be loved. 

My love was unrequited. 

All because I chose to love my best friend.

Lester said he needed me. But the next words out of his mouth brought unimaginable pain. It was the kind of pain that stopped me from breathing. It was the kind of pain that made me want to disappear.

Kay pait. 

I saw this coming. What with Lester being so fascinated with Angel.

I never thought that it was going to be this painful, this gut-wrenching. It was like my heart was being ripped from my chest, thrown into the concrete, and stomped on. 

Pure, utterly agonizing.

A tear fell from my eye. 

Shucks. I can't cry. Not in front of Lester.

"I have to go home quickly. I'm a little dizzy," I told him, willing my tear ducts to cooperate with me, even if just for a short while.

I did not wait for Lester to reply. I hightailed out from there, quickly disappearing into the alley towards my house. My tears were already falling, and it showed no signs of stopping. A sob erupted from within me. As much as I want to contain my emotions, they just burst forth. I had no choice now but to hide as I sobbed harder.

My God, why does this hurt so much?

So much for love. Love was messy.

 Love was painful.

***

I woke up the next day with puffy eyelids. That's what I get for crying until 12 AM. Now, I have to suffer the consequences.

"I got bitten by an ant," I lamely explained to Gelou. Her eyes widened when she saw me. I knew she was going to ask if I was okay.

No, I'm not okay. But I can't say that. None of them knew that I was harboring feelings for Lester. Feelings that I have kept since we were in high school. Feelings that festered and took root within me. Feelings that started as an annoying seedling but now became a flowering tree. 

My world came crashing down. My world lost its color. My world stopped spinning.

All because my heart got broken.

"Both eyes got bitten by an ant?" Gelou asked, disbelief laced in her voice.

"I know. How unlucky of me," I muttered.

Gelou thankfully stayed quiet after that. I knew I was not myself during training. I had no energy. My arms felt so heavy. Do I even have arms? I thought they were steel pipes.

"Break time," Teacher Hong announced. I sighed in relief, pulling out my phone and earphones, and headed outside. I needed to escape reality.

I opened Spotify, and Roselle Nava's Bakit nga Ba Mahal Kita played through my headphones.

I groaned. Really? Of all songs? Why?

Bakit nga ba mahal kita
Kahit 'di pinapansin ang damdamin ko?
'Di mo man ako mahal, ito pa rin ako
Nagmamahal nang tapat sa 'yo-

The music was cut off. Josh had pulled out my earphones. 

"Ba't ka andito?" he asked.

"Trip,"  I answered. I hope Josh was going to leave soon. I was in no mood for company today.

"What's wrong, Mhai?" Josh asked. 

"Nothing," I replied. 

"I'm pretty sure it's not nothing," Josh mused. He settled comfortably beside me. He looked like he was not going anywhere soon.

"You can tell me," Josh assured me. I stared at him. What's with this guy?

"Look, I know we became friends because of Stell and Se-eon. But really, Mhai, I'm your friend now. You can tell me anything."

"I'm not even sure if I should tell you, Josh," I said. How do I tell him? How do I tell him that I'm in love with Lester? For years. How do I tell Josh that the reason I was feeling so let down today was that I have finally realized that no matter what I do, Angel was all that Lester could see. I never mattered to him. I was not Angel. I was just Mhai. I was the neighbor. I was the childhood friend. That's it. 

I sighed. Why was my life getting complicated?

Josh sighed too. "I know it's hard," he began.

"What is?"

"Your situation right now."

"Yeah."

"I can't relate much, but I do know what it feels like to have your heart broken."

Wait, what? My head whipped towards Josh. My heart began to beat wildly. 

"It hurts so much. Right, Mhai? It's like your heart is being stabbed by shards of glass. And that's not even the worst feeling. The worst feeling is when you look at the person who caused your heartache, knowing that she's happy with someone. And it's not you."

"What are you talking about, Josh?" I asked, already feeling nervous. My palms were beginning to sweat.

"You know what I'm talking about, Mhai. Tell me all about it when you're ready to share," he said. He patted me on the head. "I'll head in. Text me if you need someone to talk to. You'll feel better. Trust me." Then Josh disappeared inside the studio.

I was beginning to have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This is not happening. This is definitely not happening.

I shook my head. Did Josh know? Did he know that I love Lester?

No, right?

I closed my eyes tightly. Dread filled my stomach. 

I think my secret feelings might not be so secret after all.