TRIGGER WARNING: detailed description of a panic/anxiety attack

"Do you maybe want to sleep over?"

I choked on the water I was drinking. Noah's eyes went wide as he seemed to realize what he'd said, his head instantly shaking.

"Wait, no, that's not what I meant. We have a guest room!" He started explaining, waving his hands in the air frantically. "It's just that, if you stay we could do some questions, maybe watch a movie... I don't know, sorry, it was a dumb idea probably, I don't know what I was–"

"I'll stay," I said before I could talk myself out of it, and then added, "In the guest room."

Noah chuckled and nodded. His body seemed was relaxed, but the red on his cheeks told me he was just as embarrassed as I was. Though, to be fair, the red could have been from all the making out we'd just been doing, until I needed a water break.

"Do you... want to watch a movie first?" I said, clearing my throat. At least that would give us something to focus on other than each other.

"Yeah, yeah sounds good. Pizza? I could order some pizza." He already had his phone in his hand before I could even nod.

"That works. I'm okay with anything. Except pineapple, that does not belong on pizza." I prattled on, taking out my own phone to text my mom.

It was one of those rare instances where I would actually have to lie to her, because there was no way she would let me sleep over at Noah's without previous conversation. Sleeping over at Melissa's on the other, would be just another weekend. Sorry, Mom.

"Oof, I think we have a problem, Fox." Noah's serious voice made me halt my typing.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Pineapple definitely belongs on pizza," he said, sombrely and I chuckled at how serious he was.

"It does not. It's basically a dessert," I countered, raising an eyebrow. Noah shook his head disapprovingly.

"Oh, Fox. Yeah, I don't think this is gonna work. Should I call you an Uber or?" he deadpanned, trying to appear serious even though his lips were twitching.

I just threw one of the couch pillows at him and he burst out laughing. "The sacrifices I make for you." He sighed, tapping on his phone.

"My hero," I muttered in return and he grinned into his phone.

We spent the rest of the evening on the couch. Always close but never really touching. One movie turned into two, turned into three with each of us taking turns suggesting what to watch next. The pizza came and a food coma followed.

And then, as the night grew darker, we ended up moving closer together. Inch by inch and our shoulders were touching. His arm was suddenly resting on the back of the couch, and found it's way wrapped around my shoulder. I leaned into him, my head landing on his chest as I did. We cuddled like that for what felt like an hour before I yawned.

"You tired?" he whispered into my ear and a shudder ran through me. Well, not anymore sir.

"Nope." I shook my head as I fought off another yawn that would very much invalidate that answer.

"We could do some questions. Could wake you up," he said and I nodded eagerly. "Alright. I guess we can do this one now that you know... How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?"

My heart did a little squeeze. I reached out and entwined my fingers with the hand that was hanging around my shoulder. Noah chuckled, noticing my little attempt at preemptive comfort and kissed the top of my head.

"It's fine, that's an easy answer for me. My mom is my hero. I'd do anything for her. Switch places with her in a heartbeat if I could," his said calmly, no trace of that previous torture in the tone of his voice.

"I can see that. I can see how much you love her," I said and he squeezed my hand in reply. "My mom... I think she wants us to be best friends, and I love her, I do, but some stuff I just want to figure out on my own."

"Did you try talking to her about it?"

"Not really. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Plus, I'm leaving to college next year so..." I said, letting out a sigh and felt Noah nod against me.

The movie still played in the background and I tried to secretly yawn again in the moment it got louder. "Are we gonna do another?" I asked, even though I wasn't sure my brain could think anymore.

"Sure. What would constitute a perfect day for you?" His voice was so soothing, like a lullaby whispered directly into my ear.

I tried my best to keep my eyes open as I answered, but they ended up closing against my will.

"Sun, sea, beach. People I love around me. The weather is that perfect temperature. Not too hot, but not cold. There's a light breeze in the air. Everyone is laughing. Happy." The scene played out behind my closed eyes as I described it. My family was there. Lily. Melissa. And in the distance, I could almost make out someone else. Someone with ocean blue eyes and messy hair. Some so familiar. "You?" I asked, both him and myself.

He didn't answer instantly, staying quiet long enough for my mind to drift further into the image I'd envisioned, losing perception of where I actually was.

The last thing I could almost remember, though at that point it could have just been a part of the dream as well, was just one whispered word.

"This."

When I woke up, I was lying on a moving pillow. Only it wasn't a pillow. I was sprawled on top of Noah, my head lying on his chest, and his arms were loosely wrapped around me.

Well, I wasn't expecting a heart attack first thing in the morning but here we were.

I tried to even out my breathing, as Noah's body kept rising and falling in that calm rhythm that made it clear he was still asleep. What was I supposed to do now? Do I just leave? Do I wake him up?

Realizing I have to do something other than continue lying on him like a beached whale, I started to wiggle out of his grasp. Before I could slip away, his arms slightly tightened around me and his breathing changed.

"Good morning." His voice was husky, sleep still more than apparent in it.

"Morning, yes, it is morning," I mumbled awkwardly, finally feeling comfortable to just get up and off of him.

Noah chuckled and stretched, folding his arms under his head as he looked up at me. The picture of relaxation. "Do you want coffee? Breakfast?

"Ah, that sounds great but, I think I really should be going home now." Because my breath probably stinks and I need a shower and it's not like I could tell him any of that.

"Do you need a ride?" Noah seemed to instantly sober up and move into a sitting position.

I waved my hands and shook my head at the same time, trying to stop him from getting up and insisting on the whole driving thing. I needed to process everything and that would require some fresh air and some distance from him.

"Nope, no, I'm good. I could use the walk I promise."

"Are you sure? Because I really don't mind–"

"No, no, I'm sure, very sure," I said again and started moving backwards for emphasis, grabbing my bag in the process.

Noah frowned, rubbing the back of his head in confusion. He was probably still partially asleep and I couldn't really blame the guy for being confused. I was confused.

"Anyway, last night was... great. I'll call you. Text you. Yup, I'll text you later."

"O-kay." Noah replied, the head tilt relaying his ever growing confusion.

"Yup, well, I'll see you. Text you. Uh, talk to you later. Bye." I finished my rambling and speed-walked to the front door.

And then continued that brisk pace down the walkway and onto his street before I bent down with my hands on my knees and took a deep breath.

Inhale. Exhale.

What the crap?

I was supposed to sleep in the guest room, not on Noah Archer. As soon as I'd yawned the first time I should have asked him to go to sleep. But it had been so comfortable, with his arm wrapped around me and his voice in my ear...

I shook my head. Nope. We were going to wait until I got home to process this.

Only, of course I wouldn't be that lucky, because as soon as I took ten steps in the direction of my house a somewhat familiar voice called out.

"Skyler?"

My face paled instantly. I turned around and came face to face with Christina, the girl I somewhat knew from debate. The girl who had a deep, confused frown on her face because this clearly was not where I lived and seeing her sweatpants and the tiny dog she had on a leash, it was clearly where she lived.

"Ah, Christina. Good morning," I said, trying to appear casual and based on her confused expression epically failing. "And goodbye now." I added, doing an awkward wave and trying to leave.

"What are you doing here this early in the morn–" She started before I could escape and I turned back toward her just in time to see the dots connect in her head. Her eyes went to the house I'd just walked out of, and then to me, seeming absolutely appalled.

"Yes, so, I really must be going now," I tried again, wishing I was a magician so I could just disappear.

"What are you planning?" Christina walked closer to me, hands crossed over her chest.

Huh? My face must have been answer enough because she let out an annoyed breath and motioned to Noah's house.

"With Noah." She clarified in case the hand gesture wasn't enough.

"I don't... have any plans."

"That's bullshit. You know, he's actually a really nice guy. He doesn't deserve whatever you're scheming." Now she was starting to sound almost aggressive. The claws were out. Clearly she woke up and chose violence.

"Whoa, Christina, I don't know what you're getting at but I'm not scheming anyth–"

"I heard you," she said, and my heart dropped. "In the bathroom with Melissa. I heard what you were saying. How you want to take him down. What's he ever done to you, huh? I've been his neighbor since middle school, I know him, and I know he doesn't deserve what you're doing to him."

My hands started shaking. Actually, my whole body felt weak. Simply standing was becoming difficult. I tried to speak but my tongue felt swollen, as if I could choke on it.

"It's not, it's not like that anymore." I somehow mumbled, voice trembling.

"Uh-huh. Sure it's not. So, what, you're in love with him now?" Christina asked, narrowing her eyes at me.

Was I in love with Noah? No. No, I couldn't be. Or... could it be? I definitely didn't hate him anymore. It was hard to imagine that I ever had hated him in the first place. And when I thought about him, and the time we spent together, it felt warm and–

"Are you in love with him, Skyler?" Her loud demand startled me.

I looked at her, confused, shocked, unable to think. "No, I don't know. I don't–"

"You don't deserve him," she spat at me, with all the venom of a snake in her voice. "And I think if the rest of the school knew why you were even dating him, they would agree."

I couldn't breathe. The world around me was starting to spin. My body shook violently. Was that a threat? Was she threatening me? Would she tell everyone why I'd asked Noah out?

"What you're doing... It's an insult to every single girl that asked him out with honest feelings. And if Noah knew what your plan was... I'd be surprised if he could even look at you," she continued, and my nausea mounted. "Whatever. This is just wrong and I wanted you to know that. You're not as good of a person as you pretend to be, Skyler. You're a bad person."

Christina was a blur as she turned around and walked away in the direction she came from. I turned around and started walking home.

One step. Two steps. Three steps.

My breathing was too fast. The air wasn't getting into my lungs. My head felt light. Even swallowing was becoming a problem. I couldn't tell how many steps I took before I grabbed hold of a tree and slid down to the ground.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

The image of the girls from the bathroom flashed through my mind. Only this time their expressions were full of disappointment, of hate, of betrayal. I'd betrayed them. I'd betrayed Noah.

Noah. Oh, God, Noah. What had I done?

I wrapped my arms around my body, rocking back and forth to try and feel my body. Feel that I was still there. To focus on the movement instead of the truth.

She was right. Christina was right.

I'd been deluding myself. Pretending that the reason why I'd asked Noah out just stopped existing once I'd changed my mind. Acting like I could move past that. That I deserved to move past that. That I wasn't a bad person. That my intentions were good. That I wanted to help.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Lies I told myself. Lies I wanted to believe in. Lies that now shattered, falling around me like broken pieces of glass. Leaving cuts and bruises that bled truth. That reminded me of what I'd truly done to someone so kind, so honest, so beautiful.

I had tricked him. Tricked him into believing I was something I wasn't. I wasn't good. I wasn't honest. I wasn't kind. He'd opened up to me. Let me into his home. And I'd wanted to destroy him. I'd wanted to hurt this boy, the boy that had already survived so much pain.

I didn't deserve any of the kindness he'd shown me. I didn't deserve his laugh. His smile. His honesty. His trust. His hugs and kisses.

I didn't deserve him.

Moments passed. People walked by me giving odd looks. I needed to move. I needed to get away. Get home. Get somewhere no one could see me.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

So I did. My legs shook. Step after step, I walked. Time flowed. Street after street I turned, as if I was walking on autopilot. It took several tries for my key to unlock the door. I stumbled inside. My mom's voice echoed somewhere. Then her face appeared. Worry. She was saying something. Worry.

"I'm okay," I told her. She didn't believe me. I didn't believe me either. "I just-I need, please, I just need to be alone."

Her brows furrowed. She was probably battling with herself whether to demand to hear what was wrong or let me go. Ultimately, she decided to let me go. I grabbed the railing of the stairs, climbing up, and with each step my breath seemed to slow down.

Finally, I could breathe. I could breathe.

As soon as I was in my room, I stumbled to my bed and crashed, rolling myself into a ball.

There was no going back. There was no pretending anymore. I couldn't unhear the voice in my head. The voice that echoed Christina's words on repeat. The words I must have known, believed in, deep down. Down where I refused to look. Just because I changed my mind, didn't make it okay. Didn't make it right.

I'd wanted to destroy Noah Archer.

And in the end, I'd destroyed myself. 

Hi lovelies! ❤️

I know... I'm sorry. You're not gonna be big fans of the next chapter either. I think I'm gonna write the remaining two chapters and just post them at once because I need to finish them both in the next 13 hours anyway, just so that you don't have that tense waiting for the next one... 

But yeah. Skyler is kind of having a mental crisis right now... It gets worse, but then it gets better! It's always a HEA ending in my books so don't worry too much. 

These are also the last questions we're doing before the end! There's still some left, but I might include those in some future bonus content for the two. 

16. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

So, since my mom died when I was young I'll just use my stepmom for this... We had a very rocky relationship when I was growing up. I kept looking for a mother in her, and compared how I was treated vs my (half)brother. I wanted something from her she couldn't give me. She did love me. She loves me but it's a different relationship. I stopped looking for stuff in her that she couldn't give me, and then our relationship improved. I considering her a mom, or the closest I have of one and we have a good relationship now - we're more like friends. But yeah. It was a long road to get here and it's not always great but, we're doing okay. 

17. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

Oooof. I think similar to Sky. Being in some exotic location with palms and a crystal clear sea and the perfect weather and the people I love are with me... OR being a famous author and having a book signing or meet and greet event where people actually show up and want to talk to me and tell me they like my books... I think that would become my favorite day if it ever happened. 

ALRIGHTY.

WE'RE ALMOST AT THE HOME STRETCH. Just 2 more chapters and 13 hours to go.

Wish me luck! I need it. ❤️