I've been wanting to write for a long time, and I've never known how or what to write. I feel like everyone goes through this phase, and nothing ever comes out of it except a million drafts and unfinished, beautiful thoughts. I'm at a point in my life where I'm kind-of in limbo.

I just graduated high school, I'm currently between homes, and I'm beginning to go to college, I just got accepted today. I recently lost my apartment, my boyfriend, and both of my jobs. I have a lot of reasons to hate life, but honestly what good does that do.

Instead of sitting here staring at a wall, I thought I'd write it down and possibly share it, kind of like a public journal. And I think that's what I'm going to do.

Never start a sentence with 'and', kiddies. It's a Nono. 

Anyway, I'm in Maryland at the moment, and I'm about to fly back to Florida to live with my mom, and start working again and going to college. My days are going to be eaten up with attempts to make something out of myself, and I feel like that's how it should be. As humans, we should always be trying to better ourselves.

I'm not going to share my name, or where I'm working or where I'm going to college. But I will share just about every other aspect of my life. I'm 18, I'm a female, I'm the oldest of 7, I have 4 parents.
I want to be a teacher, and I've always wanted to be a teacher. Never in my life have I wanted to be anything else. I'm absolutely in love with the idea of shaping minds and making sure the new generation will be better than my own. I know what you're thinking, "one person can't do that." You're right, one person can't. But you can bet your ass that I'm going to try. Each and every day I'm doing it. It's always what I wanted to do.

There's a lot of people who tell me I can't do it, and I won't want to do it, or that it'll be the worst decision I've ever made, but fuck that. This is what I'm passionate about and this is exactly what I'm going to do.

Aside from actual life problems, my biggest issue that eats me up inside is the fact that I am head over heels in love with my best friend. He's currently in California, and in the Navy. I won't share his name, but for the sake of talking about him, we'll call him Boots. He and I have been friends ever since the first day of high school. I basically forced him to be friends with me, and we've been inseparable ever since. We've had our fights, but that's only because I've been super in love with him from the moment we met and he didn't feel the same. And that hurt so bad.

Boots and I have been through a whole lot, like more than any friends should go through. We've dated 8 times, I've seen him broken down to almost nothing, he's seen me the same way, he's made me feel like nothing, and I've helped him crawl out of many depressive episodes. No matter what he's ever said to me, or whatever he's done to me, I've always been there for him.

I've been in love with him for 5 years now, and I've tried getting over it. I've tried dating other people and trying anything to get over him, but I always came back to Boots. And he's always came back to me.

Me and him are super close, and recently he's been stuck back on me. But let me tell you the situation: he lives a whole country away from me, I just got out of the most toxic relationship ever, and I'm about to move back to Florida and start my life there. As much as I love Boots, being in a long distance relationship isn't what I need right now. He doesn't need it either.

I want to fly out to see him so much, but I have to save up at least $1000. That won't be hard to do but I'm only 18, I can't stay in a hotel. I can't go on base with him, either. So it's going to be nearly impossible to see him.

Again, I shouldn't be worried about it.

My previous relationship was extremely hard on me. He was extremely mentally and emotionally abusive, and it lasted for 8 months. Getting out of that was awful because he's refusing to let me go fully. He still messages me to ask why I won't talk to him or why I don't want to be with him. Every single day he'd be intoxicated and extremely mean to me. I'm why did I stay? I thought I loved him. He started out amazing and it was such a breath of fresh air, but then we moved in together. That ruined the whole thing.

So yeah, this is my life. I'm going to try and update daily, and some parts will be shorter than others. Depends on what's on my mind and what happened that day. If you made it this far, thank you for sticking around and I hope my life doesn't bore you.
Thank you.