In the Name of Allaah, The Most Beautiful, The Most Loving

Thousands of Peace and Blessings be upon His beloved Muhammad SAW, upon his blessed family and noble companions

                                                               - Aameen

Recording His Blessings (4, 5 & infinite...)

The days sometimes pass slowly, sometimes swiftly yet surely each day ends without fail, this much I've learned... and so in my world as time flies or crawls, there are many many moments when this abd yearns to pour much before Thee, my dearest Beloved.

But where to begin, what to say? My thoughts swim and churn at lightning speed or are they all flying in synchrony to the blinking of my eye? Yet this heart of mine is somewhat at rest knowing that Thou Knowest everything...what I've felt...what I'm going through...what I'll come to experience by Thy Fazal.

I begin to talk something to Thee and end up saying something else totally. There is so much to utter and so little time in this lulled silence of night as I stare at this companionably blinking screen.

They say winter nights are long, but I find them otherwise ... the days zip pass too, sometimes in a blur, sometimes very much vivid in each hour, but the nights ...they are different –in the nights, before bundling my tired body to sleep, I sit in peace before Thee, reviewing the whole day before me... content yes, always and ever pleased with Thee my Rahman, but the way our days are sometimes spent in futile pursuits worries me... and the worry still resting like a little iron ball upon my heart, I fall asleep.

The weight of the iron ball grows steadily every night, and I try to push it away, it moves and rolls far yes, with sincere tawakkal in Thee, but somewhere in the day while dealing with others, it creeps back again.

I began to write this when the little one has entered our lives Alhamdulillaah... what can I say about her now? Except that she's Thy dearest sweetest blessing to us. May Thy love and protection always surround her and those around her! Aameen.

The last months of her delivery Didi came to us and it was suddenly that I found in what way she has changed ya Rabbi. Her heart was still beautiful, she sure was kind and loving to us, but it was her laughter that we heard no more. I've mentioned so much in this book how she teased us all, cracking jokes and pulling our legs. But now, it was as if she had forgotten how to even joke. Was that how people become when they undergo trials? That they forget to laugh ya Rahmana? That they forget all Thy other blessings?

Abbu humorously commented upon something related to her, and it seemed we all got the joke except her ... Didi – Didi became furious and teary-eyed, perhaps it was all the tremendous hormonal changes inside her... and I had to tell her with a choked throat and pounding heart that it was nothing but some silly teasing. And unable to bear more, I said in a rush trying to control my tears,

"Aap hasnabhi bhoolgayay hain (you've forgotten how to laugh)!"

Bad of me that but those days has passed too now, for the little one has come Alhamdulillaah and I find her again smiling widely or laughing gaily, by Thy Fazal alone... Alhamdulillaah.

Silly me, I should have realized yet I didn't that it was all because of her pregnancy that she had become so...cranky. For more than a year I had not seen her, and when she came back, what could I expect and hope if not the same her? And now I know after her delivery, that the same ol' dearest Didi of mine is back ...with her sudden beautiful smiles and unexpected delightful teasing! Alhamdulillaahi Rabbil 'Alameen.

It was while looking at her laughing eyes that these lines suddenly gushed from my heart ...

Aapki khushi dekkar, hamara dil has uttahai, aapki ghampar hamari aansoon behtihai... sirf Rabb jaantaa hai, aapkay qaatir, yay dard o mohabbath mayri kya hai!

For to me, her happiness and laughter has always been most precious than the entire world's wealth combined. May He SWT protect, guide and help you in the most beautiful of ways, both in this dunya and aakhirah my Di! Aameen Summa Aameen ya Rabbul 'Alameen.

But having her with us during those tough days of hers, I found some unique lessons indeed, especially about how much our Ammi would have suffered to give birth to us... ah Rabbir hamhuma kama Rabbayani Sagheera (My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood) 

We... we children grow up and forget all, do we ever reflect upon the hardships that our parents have undergone... and still do. Strange it is Rahmana that how much ever I try to recall, I can't remember those days when I swam inside my mother's stomach, that blessed time when Thee fed me in darkness upon darkness of my mother's womb... one was so close to Thee then, were I not ya Rabbi? And then Thou brought me in this world... and I ... have I forgotten Thee too?

My sweetheart niece Rahmana, when she sometimes squalls in irritation, she clearly calls Thee, no doubt Thou hears her too... we grin and become amazed by her cries, for she screams calling Al – Laah!

She has turned a month old now Alhamdulillaah, and her cries are slightly changing, maybe becoming normal. Didi says, she called Thy Name more lucidly when she was in the hospital... just after she had arrived in this world. But now her wails are becoming more like a baby's... yet I wonder is this how we who have been so close to Thee in the womb slowly forget even calling Thy Name from our heart, for our every single need, as we grow up and become proud and thankless thinking that it is we who are everything ... (ah how woeful is our state!) or perhaps forgetting how helpless we once were and how tenderly Thou took care of us, we having lost Thee, begin to believe that the world is enough and will satisfy us too. (If that is not blind stupidity, then what is?)

But then ya Rabbe Dhul Jalaal, who will guide us if not Thee?

And I trust in Thee, ah how I trust in Thee that Thou will keep me close unto Thee until my breath and I part forever and my soul would finally meet Thee! (Aameen Summa Aameen ya Allaah!) for there have been the dark moments in my life too, they still cast their shadow (ah Thou Knowest Thou Knowest my struggle, my strife ...for whom has our bitter enemy shaitaan ever spared?) and during those seconds I could feel my heart becoming hard and black... and I fear I fear so deeply, that Thou would leave me alone... that Thou has turned away from me and it makes me mourn and sob desperately, for what if I die during such a time? (may Thou forbid such a thing! Aameen Aameen Aameen) and the end for which my soul seems to be forever yearning... such a Muthmainna end would not come...! That is why I say, I beseech, take me in those moments of longing for Thee, let me perish when my heart is crying Thy Name out of Love... ya Rabbi... Thou will not leave me haan? I know I know not a good slave I'm, but I try Rahmana I try by Thy Fazal... sometimes sometimes when I have cried long in despair, and I gaze helplessly at the heavens, without fail I always perceive Thy Salaamath descending and wiping out all hopelessness... making me smile amidst the tears and I ... there are times when I could feel Thy Most Blessed Hand resting upon my forehead ... and my world stills and my soul rejoices, and my hardened heart softens and sobs and delights, dispelling all the darkness inside as Thy Noor spreads and throbs in my every beat... Alhamdulillaahi Rabbil 'Alameen!

إِنِّي تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى اللَّهِ رَبِّي وَرَبِّكُم ۚ مَّا مِن دَابَّةٍ إِلَّا هُوَ آخِذٌ بِنَاصِيَتِهَا ۚ إِنَّ رَبِّي عَلَىٰ صِرَاطٍ مُّسْتَقِيمٍ

Innee tawakkaltu 'alAllaahi Rabbee waRabbikum; Ma min dabbatin illa huwa aakhithun binaasiyatiha; Inna Rabbee 'ala siratim mustaqeem

"Indeed, I have put my trust in Allah, my Lord and your Lord! There is not a moving (living) creature but He has grasp of its forelock. Verily, my Lord is on the Straight Path (the truth).

So say O you dear servant of the Most Gracious Lord, Shukran Katheeran Lillaahi wAlhamdulillaahi Rabbil 'Alameen!

Note: This work further continues in my book 'Dearest Husband'