2019.

I'm just 19 years old back time and I'm at the 2nd semester of "STPM". In Malaysia, STPM is the same with A-Level, Diploma and etc. But in STPM we're still studied in school not in the collage or university like the other. STPM is the hardest examination compared to others. But I am not regret for taking a STPM, it gave me a good experienced, I guess?.. HAHAHA

back to my story, about what actually happen in my life is it all started with...

maybe this happened because of stress or something. I got my first panic attack and it really scared the shit out me. For real, I thought I'm going to die because I never felt that way in my life. That was the first time.

it happened when my friend and I was in the toilet, after the recess we always went to the toilet. It became our habits. HAHA. It's started with I felt lose and felt like I'm going to faint but not. I wanted to screaming that time but my voices didn't come out and my vision became lost control. I can't focus on things. Hence, I told my friend what happened to me that time. She's scared too because that was a first time she seeing me like that. Yea I know she are. 

she held my hands and hugged me to made me calm but I felt suffocated instead, so I asked her to read 'ayatul Kursi' because I thought I was possessed that time. HAHA so funny. I never felt like that before, I was so scare. She called my father to me pick up from school. She told my teacher that I'm very sick that time I can stand myself. 

when I'm on my way to back home, my father saw me like a dead person so he drove me to the Hospital. We went to the emergency and the doctor checked on me. He checked everything and nothing is wrong with me but I swear to god I felt like dying that time all I ever think was I'm going to die. My time has came. I can't help myself except crying like a weak person. Hmmm. 

we back to our home about 10 minutes later. My mother felt so anxious because I never being like this before. She hugged me and told me to showered then rest. Oh god, I don't want to remember that time again, writing this make me felt so anxious. Feels like I'm on the edge again. 

when tomorrow comes, I didn't go to the school. I felt so anxious because I can't get those thing out of my mind yet. What if that things happened again? what if I'll die today in school? I keep on questioning myself. I spent hours in my bed. I can't got up from the bed. It gave me anxiety. 

the day after tomorrow, I carried my energy to go to school and guess what, it happened again. Oh god what a life. I can't go to school because every time I go, I will got panic attacked. I used to hate myself so much. I started making problems at school. I didn't go to school and didn't take my examination except my finals examination. All of the teachers hated me and talking behind my back. I became their most famous topic to talk about. 

My reputation so bad that time, I got my name on the last rating in school which I never being before. I felt no shame, I felt nothing that time. Felt so empty that time. To be honest, I like those feeling. Feels like I got nothing to fear of. I didn't even care what happened and why everyone hated me that time. I became bulletproofs. I used to be friendly before but not anymore. It's sad how people didn't even notice what actually happen at myself that time. All they ever thinks are I'm a lazy girl who keep on getting problems at school. 

I didn't go to school until my finals examination. I took an examination with no preparation. No studied. It just me with my empty head. Everyone had a graduation picture and I don't. I can't graduated because I got a very low pointer. Yeah, because I didn't study and of course I didn't. My life was a nightmare for a months. There's so many times I thought if suicidal. But thank god, He saved me from myself. So here I am still breathing while writing this story. Alhamdulillah. 

After I finished STPM, I didn't contact with my friends and I deleted every my teachers numbers. I really hated them that time. They gave me a headache. They talked shit behind me and treat me like I got no feelings. I will never forget that. 

I just stayed in the house all of the time. I didn't work because I can't. I'm too anxious too go out from home. I felt like dying and felt nothing. So empty. Just like I lost my soul. Every time I go out, I will got panic attacked. Oh god, I swear I hated that time. I just want to delete those memories. 

About a months I keep on check up at the hospital. There's one day I got really bad panic attacked and my father drove me to the hospital. That time I knew it was panic attacks. All the things happened to me before was 'panic attacks'. The doctor, she took my blood test and asked me to come again in a month. We're still searching that if I got a illness in my body. 

After a month, I came to the hospital just like the doctor told me to. I was diagnosed with 'hyperthyroid' and that is why I keep on getting panic attacks. They gave me a medicine which I can't remember what the name of it. I've been taking those medicine for a months. 

Until one day, my blood test for thyroid was clean. So the doctor stopped my medicine and keep taking my blood once a month. For a months, my blood test negative and I'm free from it. Everything didn't going well, even I'm negative for those but I still got a panic attacked. So the doctor gave me a papers to answer the question for mental state. From what I answered, I got high functioning anxiety. But the doctor won't diagnosed me with that, so she sent me to the psychologist. 

I met with Dr. Hafiz , he helped my all these time. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder or panic disorder. That's why I keep on getting panic attacks. For a months I had an appointments with him. I took a medicine. Until now I can't skip my medicine. If not, my symptoms will come back which is so scary to me. 

Now, 2021.

Every time on the rainy days I will get so anxious because I can't with a rain. I got my fear to the rain. I hate when it's raining. I used to dancing in the rain but I guess rain hated me now. 

so I have being in treatment with Dr. Hafiz for so long and make no improvement. Hence, he decided to set me an appointment with the therapist which is his wife. I just met with her once until my next appointment on 23/9. 

Wish me well guys and I wish everyone that struggling with any illness no matter if it was mental or physical the best. We can do this. We will win on day. I hope so. I believed in that.

I just hope who ever reads this story will aware of the mental health. We should take care of our mental just like we take care of our physical. Love you guys. 

Thanks for reading my story. I hope the best for you all.

Love, me.