Loki's POV

"Hold on a moment," I told him while I struggled to find a notepad for noting the number down.
After searching in the shelves, cabinets, wardrobes, I realised there isn't a single piece of paper in the whole goddamn house. I made a mental note to stock the house with stationery supplies.
I didn't check out Sylvie's room for obvious reasons like privacy, but desperate times calls for desperate measures. I stalled Sebastian for a good three minutes already, I couldn't do more.

I opened the door and switched on the lights. Yes, even though I was here for more than a month, I never really saw her room, which I never thought about until now. I observed the room for a while and I must admit, she designed it quite fitting to her personality. There were many similarities in our room designs, other than the way she styled her possessions in the room. Almond coloured wardrobes complimented the ivory painted room. The middle of the room occupied by a full size bed with fluffy pillows and a beige duvet. Light from the street light outside streamed in gently through patterned sheer curtains draping on the French windows.

"Should I send post-it notes through the phone, sir?" The voice on the other end of the call asked sarcastically. I snapped out of the trance and began searching the room. I opened the topmost drawer of her work table and to my relief, I found a notebook and pens in it. Without giving any second thought I grabbed one each and dashed to my room opposite to hers.

"You need to stop being a goldfish. I work for eight hours there and you still call me up at home for that." I was put off because he interrupted me when I was about to have my favourite chocolate pastry. He apologized and hung up after giving the information, leaving me alone at peace. I smacked my forehead later on registering the fact that I could have used the memo feature in my mobile rather than scouring the whole house for paper. I should be calling Dunder Mifflin to send some paper supplies here. I smiled at my own joke referring The Office. Sylvie likes fandom references, better when I made them.

It was past 10:30 pm on the wall-clock. Sylvie should be have been home by now. I picked up the plate kept on the bed, but the text on the notebook caught my eye before I had the first bite. It said 'My Diary'.
It was Sylvie's personal diary.

Tempted to read it, I kept the dessert aside and lifted the notebook. Should I read it? I should not, right? I have regard for privacy.
I started flipping through the pages anyhow. Call me a hypocrite, because I am.

Nothing exciting in the diary. She just made entries of the work she did and the goals she accomplished for the day. It's such a waste of time. I never really got the concept of diary writing. Anyone could read it. Like me. Mental contemplation is way better than exposing yourself indirectly to the world by writing it down.

I was about to give up on it for the pastry until I opened the last entry in the diary dated October 12, two days ago. That day marked the one month anniversary of us moving in. She almost wrote an essay for the day's entry, the longest I have seen. This must be interesting, I thought, before I read the whole text.

october 12

hey diary!

i dont write down my feelings; that happened just once or twice in centuries. i never sought help from ur diary friends for introspection since my powers did the job. now i neither have powers or anyone to talk to about it. some genius on youtube went on and on about benefits of diary writing so i decided to give it a try today.
Today is a special day because loki set the ball rolling to this atypical life a month ago. its such a relief to live with a friend rather than being alone with my thoughts. but its still absurd to live with a friend with whom you act as husband n wife, specially when u r not even talking openly.
Loki has changed, but not quite as expected. he is always in a serious mood, taking offense in the least of matters. i dont know y he is so cold to me. what hv i done to him? is saving him a crime? i did all i could and i still do, and yet...

IT HURTS. more than u could imagine.

Was i foolish enough to trust loki with a promise? i kept mine, he didnt. well at least half of it. he remembers me alright, but the friendship between us seems long forgotten.
I think he still sees me as his enemy. i dont blame him. seeing me fight alongside the avengers against him must have hardened his feelings for me. maybe he thinks me as untrustworthy. extract the truth from him n entrap him by talking all sweet to him. he might think this as a subtle honeytrap. or maybe i m sumwhere wrong in doing this; i cant figure out what. guess i'll never know.
maybe it is all my fault.
u know y m i doing all this? cuz i care about him. cuz i believe that there will be a time where he will put aside all differences and come to me, unmasking all lies n tricks. cuz i dont really want to lose a loved one again.
Idk if loki still cares for me sumwhere deep down; he wouldnt show such acrimony then. yet i care abt him. i tried all sorts of ways to show him that; but i guess he never picked up the signs. n idk when that will happen.
Maybe what thor said is true. what if he's truly changed? Almighty forbid it, but if he tells me he wants to move on n not be friends anymore, it'll be fine. people change with time, relations do too. nothing is permanent in life n i just realized it. i think he is the one giving me signs about staying away from me. what if thats true?
If it is, then let me help him fix his broken self. Atleast i'd get the satisfaction of helping out a good friend for the last time.

cuz i just want loki to be ok.

I think thats enough for a day. that made me feel sumwhat lighter. i hope this is the last time i ever hv to note down my thoughts. well loki's calling me now cause he's having hunger pangs for cheese pizza n i hv kept him waiting. i pray that will uplift his mood.

until next time, diary.
#lovelove

At two miniscule places in the text at the end of the page, the ink was smudged and the paper was cockled unlike the rest of the smooth sheet.
She teared up while writing.

I shut my eyes tight, attempting to repress my own tears. I can't... I just couldn't take it. What sort of an imbecile am I? She's guarding me from every harm and here I was, pushing away the only guardian angel I had and will ever have, just because I misunderstood her intentions. Thor was right. Our friendship so fragile it could snap in two but Sylvie still held onto the threads, and now I don't know when she will leave those.
All this while her sorrow and longing were plastered with smiles. I could hear her woeful voice narrate the writing at the back of my mind as I read it.
I was wrong.

I walked up to my wardrobe and entered the password for the locker, revealing a glass showcase inside. I sat on the edge of the bed and opened the treasure. The diamonds somewhat lost their shine due to carelessness yet the green still flowed in the jet black gemstone. Sylvie doesn't know I still have the Black Beauty with me.
A feather-light touch on it took me back to the moments I wish I never left behind. Our first meeting, the hours spent in the vast library, bickering for reading the same book at the same time; then ending up snuggling beside each other while immersing ourselves in the fantasy world, us sparring, pranking and stargazing at the cliff....
She remembers. Even after what I did.

I came back to the real world, only to notice a tear drop on the delicate cuts on the gem.
We couldn't get these moments back together even if we tried.
I don't know if I could forgive myself for this.

*****

As I dwelled on guilt, I heard a thud outside as if someone closed a door. I looked at the time and realized what it was. I was half expecting her to announce 'I'm home!' and come check on me in my room, like she did every day. Instead, there was a hurried footfall and an even louder slam of the door a few moments later. Something's not right.

Opening the door of my room as softly as possible, I saw the once open door of her room was now shut. I dried my tears and brushed my hair and t-shirt with my fingers to look normal. I knocked on the door calling out her name. No answer. I gently turned the doorknob and peeped inside. She sat on the bed with her knees pulled close towards her chest and her arms wrapped around them, with her face buried in the gap between them. Her black hair covered the immediate area around her face but I could hear suppressed sobs.
She was crying.

"Sylvie?" She murmured something I couldn't decipher.
"What happened, Sylvie?"
"I said, don't come inside." She raised her head just a bit to sound more clearly.
"Listen, I can.."
She threw a pillow furiously at me as I stepped in her room. I took cover behind the door, lest she decides to throw something more harmful than that. "Just leave me alone!" she shrieked, her face turning red with rage.

I hesitated for a second but I closed the door anyway. Things are definitely going wrong for her. I forgot to switch off the lights as well as close the drawer and the door, and she didn't even notice it. I have never seen her cry this hard since ages, not after she gained better control on her feelings... That's it.

Sylvie was known to experience extreme mood swings after she first bled. The power of thermokinesis she possessed was different than others; it was uncontrollable if her emotions reached acute levels, to a point where her whole body would torch up, sometimes even the surroundings. At that time she was a newbie to such great power and mood swings made it worse. Of course, Odin and Senatra ordered to find cures for it, but they couldn't find them because there weren't any. Only Frigga could calm her down in such situations. With time, I realized only three things can subdue her fury, and I hope they still can.

I grabbed the plate of the chocolate pastry I never got to eat since Almighty had other plans for it. I took a deep breath before knocking and entering, bracing for impact.
"I told you to.." I cut her off before her anger started boiling up.
"Sylvie, just give a minute. If you still want me to leave, I will, but not before I give you something."

Her reluctance finally made way to agreement. I presented the dessert along with a handkerchief. She reached out for it and tried fixing her face before she proceeded with the dessert. I sat opposite to her on the bed and waited for her to speak up, which she didn't. She was displeased by my presence but I am not the person who remains a bystander watching how misery engulfs people.

"Chocolate truffle pastry, a classic. I bought it from your favourite patisserie... for you." I said, trying to engage conversation. In reply she just nodded her head slightly, her gaze cast on the piece of cake she ate. She didn't meet my eyes for a second, trying to avoid me as best as she can. I couldn't stand her puffy eyes, her nose turned pink and the tears still dripping on her cheeks while the awkwardness in the silence increased.

"Umm.. do you want to talk about it?" Silence prevailed. "Maybe I could lessen your woes. I am ready to help." She just brushed the tears off with the sleeve of her sweatshirt and continued eating.
There is no use talking to her now, she needs to calm down first. "Well, I'll take your leave. If you need anything, I am right outside." As soon as I turned my head away from her, she uttered the first word finally. "Wait."

I looked at her keenly, gauging her expressions. She set the plate aside and folded her legs in a meditation pose. She wringed her hands, thinking of ways to put the matter in words. "The clinic's no more," she started.

"Who did it?" I already made plans to punish the culprit, whoever they may be.

"The landlord."

"I'll be back," I said, readying to leave for the plan's execution, but she stopped me, realizing what I was to do.

"It's not his fault, I... haven't paid the rent for three months now."

"Why?"

"Insufficient funds. I didn't go to work for almost a month, so I lost clients considerably. Plus there were house expenses and insurance instalments. He gave me a week to pay up, but I couldn't meet his terms."
I looked down, knowing that she lost her only source of income because of me. She stayed at home for two weeks, teaching and bearing my tantrums, but it did not occur to me that money would be a problem. One con of growing up between wealth and riches.

"How much do we have now?"

"Around two hundred dollars, maybe lesser."

"Perhaps a negotiation could work. I'll take up a job working during the night shift. The clinic will be yours again, I promise."
She looked at me briefly and nodded, before she fidgeted with her fingers again. They told me that she is hiding some truth yet. "There's something more, isn't it?"

She was ready to tell me, but she closed her mouth, pushing away the thoughts. "Nothing." She didn't dare look at me. "Sylvie," I purred.

"There... I had a nightmare." I just looked on. "I cannot tell you what."

"Just try.."

"I have told you enough. Now leave."

Instead, I placed my hand gently on hers. She looked at me, then down in surprise, trying to make up her mind. "Destruction of Asgard."

I felt my eyes widen and brows raise. "The whole of Asgard in flames. People dying, screaming. While I look at my loved ones in the clutches of death." Her voice almost broke down at the end, laced with pain.

I couldn't believe it myself. "Don't worry, it was just a nightmare." I tried convincing both of us.

"A recurring one. Thrice in this week."

"The stress with the finance must be messing up your mind. It often happens with me."

"No it's just that... it feels a lot more.. real.. than the dreams I have."

"Don't think of it as a vision. It's not true."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I believe that it won't happen." Though I was afraid it was a huge possibility in the future. I know she didn't buy it, and neither did I, but it was more important for me to know Sylvie is okay rather than worrying about the future now.

"Anything else?" I spoke up again.

"Nothing. I am on my monthly cycle since yesterday and now it feels awful to not be able to control my mind anymore. The anger got the better of me. I wish I never came home today."

"Hey, everything is fine now. There is no shame in venting your frustration. I am glad you opened up. I hope that helped." I squeezed her hand a bit in consolation. She still had a grim face, but she looked a lot better than before. Taking notion of her hints she gave through her actions, I decided to leave her alone. "Take care. I will be there, alright? Good night."

I got up and turned, but I felt a sudden tug at my arm. My head swiveled behind only to see her hand wrapped around my wrist, gesturing me to stop.
"Stay. Please."

A lump formed in my throat when I saw her eyes pleading me to help her. She wore the same painful expression she had on our parting for the realms tour. She missed me.

We men could never know how it feels to fulfill all responsibilities while facing their mood swings. Sylvie did them all without complaining, and now it's time to help her. It's time to make things right between us.

I excused myself and returned to her room with my mobile and earphones. She shifted to make place for me to sit beside her on noticing my idea. I leaned back on the pillows and offered her one. While she pulled up the duvet and clutched a pillow close to her body, I searched for a song I thought would be the best to console her.

Feeling like a drop in the ocean
That don't nobody notice
Maybe it's all just in your head
Feeling like you're trapped in your own skin
And now your body's frozen
Broken down, you've got nothing left

When you're high on emotion
And you're losing your focus
And you feel too exhausted to pray
Don't get lost in the moment
Or give up when you're closest
All you need is somebody to say

It's okay not to be okay
It's okay not to be okay
When you're down and you feel ashamed
It's okay not to be okay

Before the song could end, Sylvie scrolled up my playlist and tapped on one.

Don't go tonight
Stay here one more time
Remind me what it's like, oh
I need you now by my side
It tears me up when you turn me down
I'm begging please, just stick around

I'm sorry, don't leave me, I want you here with me
I know that your love is gone
I can't breathe, I'm so weak, I know this isn't easy
Don't tell me that your love is gone
That your love is gone

Something told me it was about us, about the status of our friendship and I looked down, feeling guilty. She wanted to pour all her anger on me, and I knew she doesn't want to lose out on my trust for which she tried so hard to gain.
I looked at her as she mouthed the words, "I'm sorry." It felt wrong; I should be the one apologizing.

Seeing that we were indirectly communicating through songs, I played one last song to tell her that I would always be by her side.

It's true, you're there for everybody else
And you forget to think about yourself
And I know that you're doing fine on your own
But this life can get hard sometimes when you feel alone

It's true, time can get the best of us
And we just never seem to have enough
But you don't have to fight all these fights all on your own
And if life ever gets too much, you can always come home

So if you need a friend
Someone to hold your hand
Call my name
And I won't be far away
Don't matter when or where
Just know that I'll be right there
Call my name
'Cause I won't be far away
Just call my name

"It's okay. I'll never leave you alone," I whispered. My heart felt happy when I saw her smile meekly. Mission accomplished.
The songs soon crossfaded into mellow piano tunes and the fairy lights on the opposite wall turned blurry for my eyes.

*****

My mind kicked off from sleep after a while. I don't know how long as everything looked same around. My right shoulder felt heavy and I saw Sylvie sleeping on me. Tears stained her pretty face yet she looked peaceful; as if nothing happened in the past hours. I pushed the power button on the mobile which displayed the time. 1:07 am. Considering it, I tried to get up but I felt something clammy on my right hand. To my surprise, her slender fingers were interlocked in mine, resting on the soft duvet.

Her grip was loose, but the connection I felt with her was surreal. The earphones still played the soft music adding to my comfort. Heat rose up to my chest and cheeks. We were sharing an intimate moment for the first time in years and we weren't even aware about it. All this soothed me, telling me that I was still someone who could wipe away someone's tears rather than being the reason behind them.

I switched off the bed lamp and the fairy lights, letting the white light of the streetlight make the surrounding more beautiful. I rested my head on hers and tightened my grip on her hand. Her silver ring sparkled in the light and for once I felt that it symbolised something more important than just a fake marriage.

*****

A.N. : Song credits :

Loki's 1st song : 'Ok Not To be Ok' by Marshmello, Demi Lovato

Sylvie's song : 'Love is Gone' by Dylan Mathew and SLANDER

Loki's 2nd song : 'Call My Name' by Lukas Graham