Si comes out looking adorable in my oversized clothes. I hand him the letter and he doesn't believe it's real.

"What's wrong?" I question.

"Why didn't you throw it away?" He asks.

"Even I needed something to remember you by," I smirk then proceed to lie down on the left side of my bed where I always sleep. Si, still sitting on the foot of the mattress, analyzes the picture on the letter and opens it to see what he wrote inside. I haven't seen the inside of its years. He reads the contents out loud.

"Happy Belated Birthday to real one. Keep loving others and being you, it will bring you great things. Here's to a great year ahead (or like 4 months until the next one). Love ya dude.

-Si

That was so painfully high school," he grimaces after he's done. I laugh.

Si carefully slips the letter back into the orange envelope, slowly putting the envelope back in the box on my desk. He then gets into bed next to me. I think about how much I'm going to regret what I'm about to do, then realize I won't regret it at all.

I lean over, planting a kiss on Si's lips. He kisses me back and puts his hand on my neck. Flipping us over so that he's on top, he uses his other hand to stroke my hair. His body is finally mine and I'm glad we waited this long. I don't want this to be fast like the first time I did it with someone else. I want it to be long and slow and it is. We were made for this, for each other, for the very purpose of giving each other pleasure, even if it's only temporary. I want to feel more than I do. I want to feel in love. I want the desire to tell Si I need him with me for the rest of my life, but I don't have it. I always wondered whether we were compatible, what would happen if he actually gave it a chance. I know the answer now.

When I wake up the next morning, I detangle myself from Si and take a sip of the water on my nightstand. Looking at my phone through squinted eyes, the home screen says it's 11:00 am. I get out of bed and open the door to the hall slowly, careful not to make any noise that could wake Si. I smile at his sleeping body before closing the door to my room behind me.

"Good morning," I smile as I walk down the stairs and see everyone is already awake. As soon as they hear me, their conversation stops.

"Good morning," Anvi greets me in the same way she would the day after we had an argument. I feel a pit forming in my stomach.

I wonder where Armaan and his friends are, but I remember that they all wanted to watch some sports game in Tennessee so they must have left early, while my parents are probably upstairs in their room. Every Saturday they have coffee and pastries in bed.

"What's wrong?" I ask in front of everyone. They're looking at me with a mix of disappointment, restraint, and slight anger. I don't understand why.

"Nothing. We were all just talking and felt like we wanted to talk to you about some things," Shreya steps in, already dressed in a purple top and ready for the day.

"Did something happen last night?" I run through the events of the evening, not believing I had done anything that warranted this, a group-wide intervention.

"We asked Veer to make some coffee for you so that we could do this before Si wakes up," Gauri replies, still in pajamas and a t-shirt, "Come. Sit."

She gets up and takes me to one of the seats on the couch in between her and Saya.

"Guys there is nothing serious going on," I try to explain, immediately knowing what everyone wants to talk about.

"Ayush, you told Si you love him yesterday," Thalia starts.

"You can love someone and still not want to spend your entire life with them," I defend myself.

"That's a valid point, but does Si know that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with him?" Shreya asks. I stay silent because I know the answer is no. Si doesn't know the bet I made on his flaws. My reticence is the only response my friends need.

"You have to tell him, Ayush," Urja informs as she hands me the coffee Veer made a few moments ago.

"We all know that you aren't serious about him," Shanaya adds, her black sweats only adding to the gravity of the situation.

"How do you know?" I ask, arguing just for the sake of it.

"It's been less than a week and I have seen you ho around Ayush. Don't you remember Kamal?" Shanaya counters, "You were attached at the hip for a week, and he was convinced you wanted to marry him. Sound familiar?"

"I remember that too bro," Seevali chimes in for the first time, "Ayush you just have that type of personality where everyone thinks you're dead serious about them, when for you it's just casual. Like for you, saying I love you was not a big deal, but for him, it was."

Everett goes next, "Also I have seen you be serious about a guy. When you really like someone, you don't hesitate about them or feel the need to hide them from us."

"Ok we all know why I was hiding him, and it wasn't because I wanted to," I counter.

"Ayush, you have never let my, or anyone's for that matter, vitriol be the reason you don't pursue a relationship," Everett reaffirms.

"Look Ayush," Rani joins in, "I might not know you for as long as everyone else does, but I know how excited you are to see me. You have never made me question whether you want me somewhere or not. Honestly, I have never seen you want to kick someone out of your house the way you almost did with Si yesterday. It says less about you and more about him that you don't want him to be around your friends."

I give my fabrications one more shot, "Guys he just comes to things and then we have a good time. It doesn't have to be anything more than that."

"Is that really how you feel?" Gauri asks me. I know I can't lie to her, can't defend myself. She always knows.

I take in a deep breath, trying to decide what to say next. It scares me that my friends can read me so easily. They're right though; every last one of them. It's annoying they know me so well yet comforting at the same time. I might have lied to myself for the last week, but I can't lie to the people in this room.

"Ok," I start and my defenses break, all the thoughts I've been keeping in the black depths of the ocean of my mind rising to the stormy surface, "It was nice. It was nice to finally be right, to finally know that I was right for all those years when had I told people that Si loved me. Even last night, when I said the forbidden three words, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but still felt nice."

"Then why say it?" Gauri asks of me.

"Because I wanted to make everything high school me went through worth it. I wanted him to finally get everything he wanted. That Ayush deserves the fucking world and I wanted to give to him," I spit, "You all, better than anyone, should know how I never let go of people. I might love you guys more than anything in the world, but that doesn't mean I don't still love Si or Dorian or even Kamal. Even if I knew—know this isn't going anywhere, I deserve the slight reprieve of finally having an unrequited love requited. By the time this ended, I would have been happy. The "what if?" would have finally been gone. You guys can't expect me to pass at the opportunity to be with my first love. And yeah, you're right, I did hide him from you, and I didn't want him around you guys because I knew you wouldn't like him and that we aren't meant for each other, and I was right. I know that I deserve so much better, but for a little bit, I didn't want better. I wanted Si."

Everyone sits there for a second, processing what I just told them. It's rare nowadays that I need to be this emotionally raw with anyone, let alone a group of more than ten people. It surprises even those closest to me when I am this vulnerable.

The sad part about this conversation is why I don't have to explain to my friends how I know Si and I aren't meant for each other. When I was still in love with him, I made everyone hypothesize about what would happen if the two of us were to meet again. The common consensus was that Si and I were no longer compatible, if we ever were, and that if we did run into each other, it would be uneventful. Although assuming nothing would happen if we saw each other again was incorrect, the rest of the assumptions stand true. Si and I live in different worlds and we want different things. Everything from how close we are to our family to the way spend money is the opposite.

"I think you just need to tell him," Everett points out, sick of the silence and seeing me spiral.

"You're wasting his time and yours, "Thalia adds, "Wasn't that one of the reasons that you were so mad at him? That he wasted your time."

"I'll tell him," I put my hands on my knees and get up to go back to my room. It feels like a walk of shame.

As I climb up the stairs, Saya tells me that all of them are there for me if I need anything. I nod at her as I make my way to my room and slowly open the door to see Si sleeping peacefully. In the time I was gone, the blanket slightly fell off his body and I can see his bare chest. Looking at him reminds me of last night and the days before it.

Silas and I made a lifetime of memories together in just a week. I wish I could keep making those memories. I wish that my kids could have his eyes and intelligence. I wish that Si and I were compatible and that he had grown. But wishing never changed anything. In college, I realized I was never in love with Silas Remus Wright. I was in love with the idea of him. The idea of dating the most popular guy at our school. The idea of dating our valedictorian. The idea of dating the guy that anyone would do anything for. I was in love with Si's potential, but not even that. I was in love with what I would have done were I in his position.

When I realized that people would never change in the way I desired them to, I stopped loving others for who they could be and started loving them for who they are. It revolutionized my relationships while surrounding me with the best people in the world. Everyone has that one person that they need to leave behind to start their radical self-growth. For me, it was Si.

Unfortunately for him, I grew so much that I stopped seeing the appeal in his presence. I see his flaws. I know he won't change for me and that he still doesn't know how to compromise. I know to be the love of Si's life, I will have to stop being the love of my own, something I value endlessly more than any relationship. I see everything clearly now and know that I love Silas Remus Wright just as much as I did twelve years ago, just as much as I did when I wouldn't sleep if he didn't respond to my message, just as much as I did when I starved myself to look better for him, and just as much as I did when I wrote a book about him so I would never forget him.

The difference now is that I love myself and the people who stayed in my life infinitely more.

"Si," I whisper as I sit down next to him and start stroking the endearing mess that has become of his hair. He begins to stir.

"Good morning," He awakens groggily, "How did you sleep?"

"Well. Well," I pause, trying to think about how to start, "I think you should get dressed. I'll give you a few minutes."

"No. It's fine. Stay with me," Si smiles at me sleepily, looking for my shirt, finding it on the floor next to the bed, and putting it back on. When our eyes meet again, I can tell he knows something is wrong

"Is everything ok?" He asks. I take a deep breath, not wanting to say anything I might regret later.

"I just need to talk to you about something," I respond, letting my statement hang in the air between us as I further consider how I want this conversation to go.

"What is it?" He questions, furrowing his bushy brown eyebrows.

"I don't want this," I flat-out confess. The rest can be explained and there's no point in beating around the bush.

"What do you mean? Like us?" He falters.

"Yes, Silas. I don't see this working long-term. I don't think we're compatible like that. As much as I wish we could be together. We can't. I love you, but I love and know myself enough to know that I won't be happy with you," I explain.

"Can I ask why?" Si tries to make sense of the situation.

"Because you're the same person that you were back in high school. You still can't compromise, and I can't be with someone who can't change for me in the same way that I'm willing to change for them. I can't spend my life in a relationship where I'm the only one making sacrifices. When I asked you what if I wanted something different than you did, you didn't have an answer. Si, I didn't want to leave my life behind for you, didn't want to do what you wanted, and suddenly you didn't know how to navigate our relationship. I know I was that stubborn and immature and unwilling to change at one point too, but I grew out of it, and you haven't. I was willing to grow with and help you then, but I'm not anymore. We value different things, and our lives and personalities are too different to be reconciled. We were not, are not, and will not be compatible."