When I awoke on the grass, tears streaming down my face, I knew instantly something was off with my zanpakuto. My hand was still wrapped around the hilt but where before I could feel Ikari's spirit inhabiting it, now there was just a hollow emptiness.

Wiping away the tears angrily, I tried to control the frantic emotions inside of me. If I had no zanpakuto spirit, it didn't mean I wasn't a soul reaper, but the words that had left Ikari's mouth made my blood run cold.

Kera, you were never supposed to wield a zanpakuto.

"No, no, no, no!" I moaned, jumping up quickly. "I hate you!" I screamed at the sky, for all that it was worth. I already knew Ikari was gone.

There was a burning in my throat and I found it difficult to breath, but I wouldn't let myself cry again. I was stronger than that.

My, my, still as weak as always.

I whipped around, bringing my empty zanpakuto up. "Who's there?" I called, but only the wind sighing through the trees answered me.

I took a step back from the forest and glanced around again. That feminine voice. A memory, a fragment, was trying to make it's self known but I just couldn't capture it and it faded away. I knew that voice and I was going to find out who it belonged to.

"Why, hello there Kera," someone said, a male.

I spun round, zanpakuto pointed at them.

"Whoa, easy there!" Aizen replied, throwing his hands up in a surrender pose. "No need for violence."

I glared at him before sheathing my zanpakuto. "What do you want?" My voice came out harsher than I expected.

"I heard someone yelling, so came to investigate. Are you alright?" he asked, concern lacing his voice.

"I'm fine," I replied.

"That's good then. Wouldn't want anything bad to happen, would we?" he stated, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Or anything unexpected, like your fights with Kenpachi."

The hair on the back of my neck rose and fear traced a finger down my spine. It sounded like he was just making polite conversation, but I didn't believe him. Not when this much fear was coursing through my veins.

"I have to go," I managed to mumble, stumbling away. I didn't even say goodbye as I flash- stepped back to my squad.

"Kera! Where have you been?" Yumichika asked, leaning against a wall casually.

"Consulting," I answered, a wave of emotion washing over me. I stopped next to him. "Yumichika, I have a question."

"Yes?" he replied suspiciously.

"Can zanpakuto spirits leave their soul reapers?" I almost choked on the words, my throat burning for oxygen again.

"Not that I know of. I've never heard of it happening. Why?"

"No reason. Just curious, is all," I said and walked away from him.

"Hey Kera, wait up!" he called after me but I was already gone, flash- stepping away again.

I needed to speak to someone, someone who wouldn't spill my secret.

"Captain," I said through the door, knocking the wood next to it.

"Come in," he said gruffly and I pushed open the screen.

Kenpachi was seated on the floor, filling out a mountain of paperwork. Thankfully, I noted that Yachiru was missing.

"Are you looking for Yachiru?" he asked, looking up. "What's the matter?" he said quickly, looking at me intently.

"No, I'm not looking for Yachiru," I replied, shutting the door behind me and moving to sit opposite him. I opened my mouth to speak again but the words wouldn't come.

We sat in silence for a bit as I tried to push past the fear and emotions. "I think I might have a problem," I started lamely.

"What type of a problem?" he said, setting aside his paperwork.

"A sword problem," I said meekly, glancing at my hands. I entwined my trembling fingers together and took a deep breath.

He laughed. "You having trouble remembering how to fight?"

"No, it's not that," I said and my voice wavered. A tear trickled down from my eye.

"Huh?" Kenpachi immediately sobered up. "What's going on, Kera?"

"I- I- I-" Great, heaving sobs came from me and I couldn't get out the sentence I needed. I tried to stop them, biting my lower lip, but it still quivered and I hid my face in my arms, dragging my knees to my chest.

"Kera?" Kenpachi asked warily before I heard him moving.

I felt his hand on my head but it didn't help.

"I-I-" I tried again to speak and failed.

"Shh," I heard Kenpachi murmur and, somewhere in the back of my mind, I found this strange. Comforting but a strange behavioural change for Kenpachi.

Pathetic.

It was that voice again.

I raised my head, looking around, and was met with the eyes of Kenpachi staring at me. "I'm sorry Captain."

"For what?" he asked quietly.

"For being weak," I replied, controlling myself and wiping away my tears.

"You are anything but weak, Kera," he stated, grinning his famous grin and I felt the corner of my mouth twitch in response. "Now, what did you need to tell me about?"

"There's something wrong with my zanpakuto. Ikari-" My explanation, though, was interrupted by gongs and a voice commanding that all Captains and Lieutenants head to the West gate.

"Huh?" Kenpachi and I said, looking at each other, as a roar filled the air, followed by crashing and screams. Jumping to our feet, we rushed to the West gate, finding Yachiru already standing there amidst the large crowd.

"Kenny," she said as she jumped up on his shoulder. "Something big smashed through the gate."

That's when I noticed the destruction. The West gate had pretty much been destroyed, a large gaping hole in it. The wood was splintered, shards as tall as a building pointing in all directions. Soot and ash coated the wound in the gate, metal twisted as if touched by an immense heat.

I watched, through shifting smoke, to see those in the Ryokyon district looking in on all of us, just as confused as we were.

"It was a big, black dragon, I swear it was. It smashed a hole straight through in a flaming breath! And before that, it ransacked a whole squad practising their fighting techniques. There was soul reaper on it."

I glanced down the line, not too far, to see a young soul reaper, still in the red uniform of a student, waving animatedly and speaking to the Head Captain. He looked half- burned but seemingly fine as he kept repeating himself over and over in his fear. 

I was rooted to the spot. A black dragon? Please no. Please don't let it be Ikari. He might have left me but the years we spent together meant I still cared for him, even though he abandoned me.

The soul reaper was now looking at the crowd and his eyes locked with mine. It was like I was watching it all happen in slow motion: his eyes widened, his mouth dropped open and his hand rose to point a finger at me.

Everything sped up the minute he spoke again. "That's her!" he cried shrilly. "She's the soul reaper that was on that dragon. She massacred my friends!"

Everyone around me stepped away and I protested quickly. "No, I swear it wasn't me! I was speaking with my zanpakuto just before, over by those masses of hills. I was in the spirit world!"

"We were training over there!" the young soul reaper cried in fear, his voice reaching a higher octave than normal.

Gasps, murmured voices, whispers, echoed around me and the world tilted dizzyingly. I took a step forward, more so to escape from the voices, when a high pitched screech smashed through my mind.

Screaming, I hit the ground hard on my knees, holding my head. But it didn't help at all as the screeching reached a point where it was just a high pitched scream, rendering me deaf. The pain, so overwhelming, made it impossible for me to open my eyes.

But I could still see.

Blurred images of black silhouettes rushed through my mind, fire lapping at their backs. People, their faces just blurred running in terror, mouths opened in silent screams.

Blood, blood everywhere. Fighting, fire, blood, babies and children, death in all directions.

No, go away! Go away, go away, go away!

The ringing stopped and the images disappeared just as I stood up, wrenched my eyes opened and slashed out with my zanpakuto.

In my state, I hadn't realised Yachiru was coming to my aid, that she had been calling my name for me to get up.

She stood before me now, her mouth opened and her small face twisted into shock, confusion and pain. Her hands were on her stomach, blood welling quickly out over her hands.

Panting, I glanced at my sword and saw the blood coating it, dripping to the ground. Numbed by the fear coursing through my body, I came to the realisation of what I had just done.

"Yachiru?" I squeaked, looking down at her, barely able to get the word past my numb lips.

The next second, I was crashing into a wall, the impact knocking all the breath out of me. Dust and crumbling stone fell around me as I collapsed to the ground, coughing. My zanpakuto was still, remarkably, in my hand.

I watched through squinted eyes to see Kenpachi standing in front of Yachiru protectively, sword drawn. His face was shadowed and when he raised his head, his face was darkened and his eye stared at me menacingly. Other members of Squad 11 began to crowd around Yachiru, but it was like they were blurred.

My eyes only saw Zaraki and the hatred plastered on his face.

For the first time, I was afraid of my captain, as I managed to pull myself up from the ground. He took a step towards me and I bolted, turning tail like a coward and running away.

Born a weakling, always a weakling, crooned the voice.

I ran past the barracks, tears and sobs threatening to bring me to my knees.

I hurt Yachiru; how could I? I can't stay now; if Kenny catches me, I'll die before I have a chance to explain.

My throat burned, my lungs screaming for oxygen, by the time I reached the Squad one barracks. I don't know why my feet carried me this far, but when I saw the opened Senkaimon, a gate a soul reaper must have left open when he or she heard the gongs and screams, I knew.

Without hesitation and no though on getting back, I stepped through and let myself be carried to the world of the Living.