❝ I’m sorry I can’t say the word ‘I love you’ ❞

It was natural.

Falling in love was natural. Giving in was natural, but there was always something that was off. Something he couldn't quite put a finger on. He loved him, there was nothing wrong with that. The older did as well, just had a different way of saying and demonstrating it.

It would be told through the acts of kissing, hugs, cuddles, their cute dates.

It was easy to get lost in his eyes, his voice, his touch.

❝ Laughing isn’t about laughing. It’s about lying every moment. ❞

There was not a joke thrown in. That's how they met, through a joke. Quoting the same one, making not just themselves laugh, but everyone around them. They were gamers, they were soulmates. It was fate.

❝This could be dangerous. Maybe more.

Maybe that’s the end of the relationship. ❞

Nothing was wrong.

He couldn't see anything wrong. Y/n was a responsible caring boyfriend. He made sure he was ok, he made sure he was healthy. He didn't see what was wrong about that. Who wouldn't want a caring, loving boyfriend?

Especially one that would get sick, because he kissed you to swallow medicine while you yourself were sick.

It made him fall deeper in love.

❝ I don’t know I thought it was gonna last forever.

A sea of trials and errors and intensifying waves. ❞

Sure, they had arguments. But they were never bad to the point one had to sleep on the couch or leave.

No.

They always made up before bedtime. They always made sure to apologize to one another. I made sure neither was feeling guilty afterward. They cried together, slept together, laughed, ate, screamed, went to church together.

They were everything a couple could and possibly should be.

❝ It’s not an easy decision. Sooner or later,

I’ll be gone and you’ll be left. ❞

 
It couldn't be, no. There was never betrayal. Never even thought of doubt. Y/n was never like that.

Y/n was everything he hoped to have one day.

A loving, caring boyfriend.

Always thinking ahead, out of the box.

Always loving.

It's not easy, Y/n said it himself. Sometimes life gives you a shit turn and you have to succumb to it. Just don't ever, ever lose hope. Don't quit, because you aren't disappointing those around you. You're only disappointing yourself.

❝ I didn’t know I’d say this first

But something’s changed without me knowing. ❞

Maybe, if he had paid more attention, Felix would be fine.

Felix wouldn't have to deal with this pain. He wouldn't have to hit rock bottom and have to start back up again. He knew it wasn't his fault, nor Y/n's. He never knew what to truthfully expect. He's always prayed, prayed for his boyfriend to be safe, for God to care for both of them.

He wasn't the most religious person, but he was steady. He went to church every Sunday, prayed in the morning, for every meal and before he went to bed.

He did his best.

❝ I poured out thorny words heartlessly.

Don’t forgive me for being so mean. ❞

Maybe he should have moved to Australia with Hayoon. Maybe he should have given it more thought.

There were so many maybes.

So, so many. And none of them would have made much of a difference.

Felix was alone.

Felix wasn't the same old' Felix, Y/n had loved.

❝Take care. Don’t be sick. Make sure to eat well. ❞

He became anorexic.

❝Take care. Erase all your memories with me.❞

He refused to join him.

❝ I’ll go now. It’ll be hard because the memories are too heavy. ❞

What else could he have done? He couldn't ever force Felix to do something he didn't want to.

❝Take care. I don’t think it’s right to stay together just because of the time we spent.❞

 
And so their journey ended.

No more daily adventures. Whether online or in reality.

❝After hundreds and thousands of agonies.

The answer is pretty cruel leaving me out of you. ❞

Seven years as boyfriends.

Five as husbands.

They ended when Felix was just 28, and Y/n 30.

❝Put a knife in your heart and bruise your feelings.

I know we’re both gonna get hurt. But what can we do?❞

They ended on Felix's birthday.

Not only that.

❝Uhm. Take care.

Utah. Take care.

To say that the one who is leaving shouldn’t be hurt.❞

Felix never liked being upset. But he couldn't help it.

How could he?

There was no way, not in his mind.

❝It’s funny, but it isn’t empty talk either. ❞

 Just the sight of food made Felix remember when Y/n would cook.

When Y/n would feed him.

When they would go to that one place for lunch.

❝I didn’t know I’d say this first

But something’s changed without me knowing.❞

Y/n died in an airplane crash. Y/n decided to pay Felix's grieving father a visit the day Felix's mother died. Y/n left, in many ways than Felix thought he would. Felix felt empty, Y/n was gone. Half of his clothes were missing, same way half of Felix was missing. In a spiritual and emotional sense.

They had a fight right before Y/n left. Making Felix feel dread, scream and cry over everything. Not only was his mother dead, but also his lover.

Who was supposedly his soulmate?

His friends kept saying it was ok. But he would only yell at them, saying it wasn't ok. It never was, never will be again.

"I ALWAYS SAY IT'S OK. AND it's NOT! IT'S -IT'S NOT!"

❝Take care. Don’t be sick. Make sure to eat well.

Take care. Erase all your memories with me.

I’ll go now. It’ll be hard because the memories are too heavy.❞

It took months for Changbin to be able to get Felix out of the house. It wasn't easy for Changbin either.

It took months for Felix to accept that Y/n was gone. That the older was never going to hold his hand or sleep next to him at night.  No longer able to be with him.

It took months for Felix to accept the flirts that were thrown at him by Changbin's Hyung. To let himself fall back into the love game.

To once again, give in.

❝Take care. I don’t think it’s right to stay together just because of the time we spent.

You know after a meeting, there’s a break-up waiting.

You know there wasn’t a moment that I haven’t loved you.❞

Their fingers were intertwined.

"You buried him here?"

Felix stared at the grave, "no. I didn't. Other people did, all I did was watch them bury my husband. The first love of my life.."

The blonde pursed his lips and stared at the carved words.

Seo Y/n.

Chan didn't want to ask the obvious, but he couldn't help it. "Do you miss him?"

Felix chuckled, his deep voice sending shivers down Chan's spine. "Everyday."

"Do you...do you still love him?"

The shorter smiled, "yes. But it's different. I still love you too.."

When Chan sighed, Felix laughed softly. "Let's go home, yeah?"

Chan stared at him, he could see the pained smile on his fiance's features. "Yeah..let's go home"