Claire

    I was nervous. It was a weird feeling because I was never scared of presenting in front of my classmates. I never cared about sharing my feelings either. But with Blair sitting across from me at the dining table, I found myself growing anxious. There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn't know what exactly I needed to say.

    Blair also looked nervous, but more than anything she looked deflated. She was staring at the table, a blank expression on her face, and pity filled me. Her breakdown at school left me scared and worried. I had never seen Blair cry like that and from that, I knew our situation had taken its toll on her. And despite everything she did to me, I felt horrible for what I had done. I never wanted to hurt Blair.

    "Are you okay?" I finally asked, wanting to break the tense silence.

    Blair looked up at me and her eyes held a sadness that hurt me. She didn't reply for a moment and we stared at each other, taking each other in. I thought about how we looked identical, but yet we were so different.

    "No," Blair finally said. "I'm not."

    Her words caught me off guard because Blair was the type of person to hide her problems. Whenever she was upset when we were younger and I would ask about how she was feeling, she would simply say she was tired. I couldn't believe I got the truth out of her, which left me knowing I needed to hear her side. To try to understand her and what she'd been through, I knew I had to finally ask her about why she did what she did.

    "I'm ready to hear your side of the story," I said, sighing. "Tell me why you did what you did with Carter and be completely honest."

    "Why?" Blair asked. "It won't change anything. Trust me."

    "You wanted to explain yourself before." I frowned, wondering why Blair was suddenly against explaining herself. "Why are you saying that?"

    "Maybe because I realized I'm a horrible person who shouldn't be forgiven. Honestly Claire, what I did was horrible and I'll never stop hating myself for it."

    I stared at her, unable to bare hearing her talk about herself like that. Even though I had thought of Blair in the same way at one point, I didn't want her saying such horrible things about herself. It broke my heart and suddenly, I realized I would never stop caring about Blair. The both of us needed to talk things out. We needed to talk about everything that happened since freshman year.

    "Okay, then let me explain myself for what I did in freshman year," I said. "I know we already kind of been through this, but let me get into the details so you can understand why I pushed you away for three years."

    Blair didn't say anything to that, but she kept her full attention on me. I took that as encouragement, so I began to explain myself.

    "Look, I'm naive. You know that, so you have to understand that I thought being popular was the only way to have an amazing high school experience. For some crazy reasons I thought high school would only be the best four years of my life if I was one of the most popular girls in school. So that's why, I really wanted to be popular in freshman year," I said. "I was never popular in elementary school and you were literally my best friend. We used to hang out all the time back then and that's why I knew that I would become popular with you. Because I couldn't imagine doing anything without you at my side, I really wanted you to become popular with me."

    I paused at that, remembering the day years ago when I had asked Blair to become popular with me. My heart dropped at the memory, remembering how hurt I was, and I remained silent for a moment. But then remembering I owed Blair the truth behind my actions, I pushed on.

    "So I asked you to become popular with me and you said no. I tried so hard to make you agree, but you wouldn't budge and that hurt. Blair, it broke my heart when you didn't choose to remain at my side and become popular with me. I really thought I meant the world to you and when you wouldn't stay at my side, I felt like I didn't mean as much as I thought I did to you," I said. "I pushed you away because of that. I was so hurt by the fact that you chose being on your own over being at my side that I decided to distance myself, so I would never get hurt again. So that's why I threw myself into the world of popularity and barely talked to you for years. It was because you hurt me and I didn't want to get hurt again."

I took a deep breath in, knowing the truth was about to come out. My heart raced because I had never confessed to anyone - not even Ryder, what I would say next.

"I really did miss you though, so I tried really hard to become close to you again this year. But then, you betrayed me. You hooked up with my crush, knowing I liked him," I said. "And that broke my heart because I had been so scared in the past of being hurt by you again. I distanced myself from you precisely because I was scared you would hurt me again. And Blair, you did. You did and it just makes me so sad because I love you and I thought you did too."

"I do love you," Blair blurted out, surprising me. "Oh god Claire, I do love you. I... I'm just such a messed up person."

"How?" I asked gently. "Tell me your side of the story now."

Blair took a deep breath in, seeming to prepare herself. My heart was racing with anticipation because I didn't know what to expect. In my mind I knew there was no way Blair could justify what she did, but I also knew that Ryder was right when he said that we all made mistakes. Maybe Blair couldn't make what she did seem right, but I could at least come to understand her and maybe learn to forgive her through that.

"I've never really liked myself and I've always felt like no one liked me either. Our parents always ignored me, I only had one friend, and you didn't seem to care about me because you decided to become popular and leave me behind," Blair said. "I'm really insecure, Claire. I spent my entire life living in your shadow because everyone loves you. You're so much more beautiful and your personality shines. Because of that I always felt inferior. I always... Felt like a waste of space because there's a better version of me in this world, so why should I even exist."

Blair paused for a moment, leaving me staring at her, stunned. I never knew Blair felt that way. I couldn't believe her words because I never thought about Blair in that way.

"So, I went to a party last summer and I felt lonely because Erin ditched me. I felt like a loser too, which is basically how I feel everyday, and Carter suddenly came into the room I was crying in. He told me I'm beautiful and no one had ever called me beautiful, so I found myself touched. Carter then kissed me and suddenly, I didn't feel so alone. Suddenly, I didn't feel like a waste of space because someone finally wanted me," Blair said. "Carter fell for me after that day, but I never liked him. I knew what I did with him was wrong and I tried to stop it at first, but then Carter kept coming back. He kept telling me how beautiful and amazing I was and honestly, those words meant the world to me. As someone who never thought much about herself, I suddenly felt like I could be something to someone. So, I kept hooking up with Carter because of that. To feel secure and better about myself, I used Carter and thus hurt you because I found out later that you liked him. I'm selfish, I know."

I stared at Blair, stunned. Her side of the story was something I never would've predicted. My heart dropped and I found myself growing sad because I felt so sorry for Blair. I never knew she felt that way about herself and it broke my heart. No one deserved to feel that way about themselves. Suddenly, I couldn't care less about what Blair did to me. It didn't mater that what she did was selfish. All I wanted was for my sister to realize she wasn't a waste of space and that she was loved.

"Oh Blair," I said softly. "I don't get why you feel that way about yourself. You're beautiful, smart, and you're fun to be around. I... I don't get why you would ever feel that way about yourself."

"I'm not," Blair said. "Especially compared to you, I'm just the bootleg version of you that shouldn't even exist."

"Don't say that. Blair, don't think about yourself like that."

Blair looked away, seeming uneasy. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to make her feel better, but I had something to say.

"You know what's crazy, I was also jealous of you," I said.

Blair's eyes widened. "What?"

"You're brilliant, Blair. You get straight As without trying while I work my butt off in school and only get Bs. People also tend to like you for you, while I have to put up an act to be liked. I've always been jealous of you because of that."

Blair seemed stunned and I smiled, hoping she'd understand that she had traits I wished I had. She wasn't the bootleg version of me, she was her own person who contributed to the world as much as I did.

"No one cares about grades," Blair eventually said. "Our parents don't care about that."
"Our parents are horrible for how they treat you," I said, honestly. "I've always noticed the way the treat you and I hate it. You don't deserve that. But please Blair, don't let the way they treat you define your self worth. You are so much more than you think you are."

"Why are you being nice to me?" she asked. "After everything I did, you should hate me. You shouldn't even be talking to me."

"Look, what you did was wrong. There's no denying that. But, I understand why you did what you did. Now that I finally know how you really feel, I can understand why you did what you did. So even though what you did hurts, I know that I can forgive you. Now all I want is to teach you to love yourself."

Blair looked away, seeming uneasy. Staring at Blair, I decided to make it my duty to teach Blair how to love herself. Because she was my sister and I loved her, I decided to spend the last few months of high school showing Blair how amazing she was.

"Blair, you're my sister and I love you. You are not a waste of space and I will make sure you realize that," I said. "So let me show you. Together, let's make you more secure and happy with yourself."

"You're so nice Claire," Blair said softly, tearing up. "I don't understand how you're so nice."

"I can say the same for you." I reached out and took her hand in mine, squeezing it gently. "Blair, let's do this, okay? I want to see you happy."

A tear slipped down her face and she nodded, making me smile. I then got up from my seat and walked over to her, and then hugged her. Blair began to cry softly and I suddenly began to cry as well. The past year had been hectic and suddenly, I wondered if together we could clean up the mess we made.

Holding Blair, I thought about how much I loved her and how I wished she didn't feel so bad about herself. It hurt me to know she hated herself and I felt almost guilty because it was partly my fault, but then I told myself that there was no one to blame and that the least I could do was teach Blair to accept herself and realize she was valuable. Hugging her more tightly, I made myself determined to help her because there was no way I would ever let my sister suffer again.