WC: ~5.3k

I didn't live in the lap of luxury but I was used to living at a certain level of comfort in my own home. My high thread count sheets, my memory foam mattress...I knew how to spoil myself. For me, I was unable to control so many things in my life because of my anxiety so my sleeping environment and my home environment had to be perfect. It was the one place I could count on to unwind.

Well, due to all that it took me a while to find a comfortable spot on the couch. I was big, and my legs were long and the couch was trying it's best but it would never be a bed.

I hadn't dealt with casual homophobia in... a while. I had grown up in a big city, and for the most part I ignored stupid comments. There wasn't even anything wrong with Brian. He was the kind of effeminate people associated with gay men and people assumed I was straight when I was every bit as gay as Brian. It made it easier for me to hide and pretend if I wanted to, which is probably why Mel felt so bold to be homophobic in front of me.

It put me in the awkward position of constantly coming out and I hated that.

I turned on the TV to distract myself and it looked like it was on some gaming or electronics channel. I never recalled seeing anything like it before, but then again most of what I watched was the cooking channel or some kind of streaming service. Manny was more of a gamer and I had a few second hand systems but I wasn't exactly hardcore or anything.

The tv segment looked like a highlight reel of the most interesting things happening in the gaming world over the past week. To my utter shock and delight I saw Trace being interviewed by a reporter. Coincidentally, he was wearing the same outfit he'd been wearing when he dropped me off at the airport and that had been—Wow. That had only been earlier today.

I watched the video in awe as I learned for the first time that Trace was one of the lead writers for the third iteration of a fantasy role playing game that was coming out in the next few days. I recalled Manny mentioning the series to me and how he'd put the game on pre-order. In fact, it was a huge franchise game about warriors, wizards, dragons and had an open world concept. This was huge. Trace was the lead writer and...I didn't even know anything about it.

"So, Mr. Tsuchida, early reviews are coming in for A Clash of Swords III: The End is Nigh and outside of stellar scores for game play and visuals, the story is said to be, quite frankly, amazing. The role playing options are providing an emotional journey for players. How do you feel about these early reviews?"

Trace smiled almost bashfully and I couldn't help but notice how cute he looked. He always dressed in dark clothes and street wear so it was nice to see him in something different. "I was very blessed to be as involved as I was in the writing and story process for ACOS 3. It's a game that I've been following since I was a kid and it's very emotionally rewarding to know I had a role in this. It's a really special moment for me."

There were a few more questions about the writing process and how he and a team of writers worked together over two years to perfect the script , story line, and character design.

"How do you manage to juggle it all between your company, Playing a Role Productions, ACOS, your personal life and... I hear you run marathons?"

Trace laughed, and I could tell it was an honest one because of how his eyes creased. "I have no idea, which is why I'm a little glad ACOS 3 is over. I have to start prepping for my next race, and PARP will be releasing a new game soon, too." He paused to check his watch and his brows rose. "It was really nice to have this interview with you guys but I have to go see my boyfriend off at the airport."

There were a few more words exchanged but I'd stopped paying attention.

Oh. That was me. I was the boyfriend. I covered my face with my hands even though I didn't know what I was hiding from. It wasn't like anyone could see my cheeks burning or the goofy grin on my face. Thinking about Trace calling me his boyfriend made me feel light, giddy and happy. But, then that euphoric feeling washed away once I realized something.

I hadn't even known Trace was so involved in such an important project. What else was I unaware of?

I knew that he was a twin, that he was half Japanese and half Bengali, that he worked for a video game company, that he was a writer and loved telling stories through video games, that he'd told me about his leg even though it was hard, that he had the softest brown eyes, and his kisses felt like sunshine. He deserved a boyfriend that knew more about the wonderful person that he was.

I closed my eyes and just as I was falling asleep I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and then towards the living room.

When I opened my eyes I saw Ai standing in front of me while rubbing her eye sleepily. She was wearing shorts that stopped mid thigh and a baggy t-shirt that had something in I guessed Japanese characters scrawled across it. Ai yawned before plopping herself down on the small bit of the couch I wasn't occupying. "What're you doing up?"

I shrugged, moving to sit up. "Just thinking."

Ai blinked. "I am way too tired to process anything philosophical. But, what I do know is that you—" she pointed a slender finger at me. "—should get your beauty rest."

I snickered. "I'm not beautiful but, yeah...I should sleep."

Ai put her hand on her chest. "I say this as a chapstick lesbian, but you are aesthetically pleasing as well as conventionally attractive. It's not a compliment, I just have eyes."

Heat flew into my face. "You don't need to be nice." All these years and I was never good at processing compliments.

Ai snorted. "Trust me when I say this isn't me being nice. Anyways, I just came down here for a glass of water. I'll see you tomorrow when we can keep kicking ass and taking names."

That made me smile, but then it made me sad, too. "Ai," I said softly, "does anyone ever bother you about— you know?"

"Being a woman? Being Asian? Being Japanese? Being gay? Being in a male-dominated industry? You need to be specific."

"Wait a second," I said thinking that I knew about most , "where do you work?"

"I'm a specialty car mechanic. The person who fixes up the Ferrari some middle aged guy buys when he's feeling insecure."

Wow, Ai sounded really hardcore. "Oh, well. I mean the... gay thing." I hated how uncertain I sounded but the last time I'd had to come out was when I started working at Sweets N Things. It had been pride month and I put a few rainbow magnets on the inside of my locker. Mitchel had seen it, asked if I was gay or something, and when I'd said yes he was surprised but polite. Because of Mitchel's gossiping it seemed like everyone knew I was gay without me having to do the whole coming out thing. Not to mention whenever Jeremy came around the shop, he was annoyingly affectionate no matter who was around or how uncomfortable it made me.

When I'd started at the bakery I was just a delivery driver with the catering team. I'd been unemployed for almost a year during my downward spiral where I'd stopped going outside. When I finally started looking for work again I was too anxious to interview well and Manny told me to just apply anywhere so I could get back into the swing of things. Maureen had been the one who interviewed me and she was shocked to see my finance degree, my experience as an investment banker, my fluency in French and how overqualified I was. But, I got the job anyways, even though I'd been sweating and shaking the entire interview.

Over time, the catering team became short staffed and I'd shown that I knew most if not all of the baking techniques they used so it was a smooth transition to becoming one of the bakers on the catering team. The pay raise was also really nice. Nothing like my banking days but enough to keep me comfortable.

In a lot of ways I had to admit I had it easy. People were reluctant to bother me about my sexuality because of how I looked. So, the fact I was having issues now was frustrating. Ai made it seem so easy. She casually mentioned her girlfriend when introducing herself and didn't make any of it seem like a big deal. But were people entitled to know that sort of thing? Was it hiding if I didn't bring it up right away?

Ai sighed. "Well, I'm comfortable talking about being gay. We're also on a reality TV show so everything will come out, eventually. But, unless my gaydar is fucked, you're gay, too, right?"

My eyes widened in surprise but I nodded. "Yeah, and Mel was being homophobic earlier, talking about how he wouldn't want to share a room with someone who's gay, and it just infuriates me. It makes me feel like I'm somewhere far away feeling all this rage and I can't react or else I'm going to be that person. And why should I have to constantly filter who I am for other people to be okay with it? It's unfair and the fact I can't do anything about it makes me sick." Ai didn't reply and I exhaled sharply. "Sorry, I'm talking so much."

Ai waved her hands. "No, I've just never heard you say so much. And wow, fuck Mel. Was he talking about you or Brian?"

"He doesn't know about me."

"Oh, and you're not sure if you want to tell him?" She nodded like she connected all the dots. "It's your choice, Darius. But, remember, I've got a room with an extra bed so you can room with me."

"What?" I suddenly felt flustered. "Ai... I'm a guy."

"Well you can't sleep in the same room as him." She looked at me like what she was saying made perfect sense, and it was hard to disagree. In reality, I wanted a bed and I was tempted to accept her generosity.

"Just for tonight," I said reluctantly. "But, thank you for listening, Ai. I guess it's easy to talk to you because you remind me of my best friend."

She laughed before surprising me with a hug. "That's sweet of you to say but let's go to bed."

It always meant a lot when people were nice to me and I was glad Ai wasn't looking me in the eye or else she'd notice how glassy my eyes were.

#

"Good morning contestants are you ready for another day of baking?" Aditya said in an overly bright tone. Before the cameras were rolling he looked kind of angry that he had to be awake and on set so early. But, as soon as one of the producers yelled rolling he was his coiffed and charismatic self. "Today, we will start off with a pre-bake and today you will be making...Cookies. This will be a short challenge, and you will have one hour to show us what you can do."

The morning had been a rush in the house with all of us getting ready to go on the travel bus to the cooking facility. I wasn't sure if Mel noticed I hadn't slept in my bed or if he even cared but I was trying to focus on myself and avoid drama.

I showered and got dressed in the bathroom to respect Ai's privacy, and once we were on the bus the two of us were like two peas in a pod. She felt, to me, like Manny if he was in another person's body. They were both crass, funny, and wouldn't take shit from anyone. The biggest different was that she wasn't calling me mijo .

Having these reminders of Manny made me want to make something he liked. Once we got to our stations, I got out the typical ingredients like sugar, butter, flour, eggs, and milk and started making my dough. I probably made baked goods for Manny more than anyone else in my life. My parents hadn't grown up around pastries or many desserts and found almost everything I made too sweet. They had more savoury palettes.

A few cameras started following me more intently and not much later Aditya approached me. He scrutinized me for a few seconds before speaking, "So, Darius, tell me what you'll be making on your second pre-bake."

"Well, I'll be making dulce de leche cookies. Like a short bread cookie sandwich with dulce de leche filling. I'm just finishing up my dough now so I'll put it in the fridge and get working on the actual filling." It was silent for several seconds before I looked up at Aditya.

"Darius," he said slowly, "are you actually going to make dulce de leche?"

"Yeah," I said slowly, not sure what the problem was.

"Even with a pressure cooker, it takes at least forty five minutes. How do you intend to make it?"

"My best friend is from Venezuela and our families are next door neighbors, so his mom taught me a lot of dishes when I was growing up. She showed me a faster way of preparing dulce de leche and it takes about fifteen to twenty minutes. So, while my dough is chilling I'll be making that."

"Wow," Aditya seemed genuinely impressed. "I'll look forward to tasting it. Carry on."

I thanked him for stopping by and took a breath. For a second I allowed the warm glow of Aditya being impressed with me to inflate my ego. But, only for a second. Crashing and burning definitely wasn't an option now.

I got my dough in the fridge and I made sure to wrap it up and to put it in a far away corner of the communal fridge. Then, I got my mixture ingredients, and started to cook some sugar in a pot. I had fond memories of Manny's mom showing me how she made dulce de leche. She'd found it cute that I liked to bake and would email me her recipes, even the ones that had been in her family for generations. Manny was more of an eater than a baker but his mom was confident that in case she wasn't around I would teach Manny's future kids the most important recipes.

The problem with making dulce de leche on the stove was that I had to pay close attention to it throughout the entire process. Typically, the mixture would be made with a can of condensed milk that would slow cook for hours but I didn't have hours.

Instead, I put sugar in a pot on medium heat and let it melt until it was golden brown. Then, I added lemon, lime and calamansi juice and stirred everything together until it started to bubble. After turning the heat down I added butter until it dissolved and then finally, the condensed milk.

I smiled as it started to turn that familiar creamy caramel colour and I continued stirring while adding some vanilla extract and salt. Then, I continued stirring. If I was using it for a sandwich cookie then I wanted it to be a little thicker with a consistency closer to icing.

Eventually it was done and I got out a pan and poured the mixture onto the thin pan. I shook the pan a little so it could spread out evenly. It would chill faster it there was more surface area and I was getting ready to put it in the fridge before Isaac approached me.

"Mmm, that smells good," he said, "It smells like...dulce de leche. Awesome, dude. Can I try some?" Isaac's eyes were as wide as saucers.

His enthusiasm made me smile and I looked around before finding him a spoon. Isaac spooned a generous helping of the caramel brown mixture and inhaled deeply before eating. I expected a reaction but there was none: his face was still as stone.

Isaac put his spoon in the sink before saying anything. "Well, keep working man, I want to taste the final product." I really wanted to know what he thought about it so I was excited to present my work.

I put my tray in the fridge and checked on my dough to make sure it was still there. Okay, thank God it was. There were still about ten minutes before my dough would be ready.  I prepped my station by assembling my cookie cutters, preheating the oven and preparing  plates ready for my eventual plating. I'd learned my lesson about time management already.

As soon as the timer went off, I went to the fridge and pulled out my shortbread dough. Then, at my station I rolled it out, cut it into cookies and slid it into the oven before placing another timer.

"Alright bakers you have twenty minutes," Miranda called out.

To my delight and surprise I had a bit of extra time and for the first time I looked around to see how everyone else was doing. No one was going home during the pre-bake and that security seemed to be making things easier on people.

But, when I looked over at Ai she looked frantic. I had time so I walked close to her station. "Hey, do you need any help, Ai?"

For a second she seemed surprised, but mostly embarrassed. "I make this all the time at home, I can't believe I'm messing it up. I made two different flavours of cookies but I left one in too long." Ai was frantically cutting out cookies. They were an obling oval shape and I quickly moved beside her and started cutting out more cookies.

"You are saving my life right now, Darius. Can you handle this, I'm going to get my pans ready. They take 15 minutes to cook, and I've got 17 minutes left and need just ten more cookies, please."

Ai went to prepare a pan and when she brought it to the counter I placed the cookies on the pan and she looked relieved. She put them in the oven and before she could say anything, I went back to my station to wait on my cookies.

Eventually, I put on some oven mitts before opening up the oven and pulling out the cookies. They looked perfect. Pale, well-risen and they smelled good. I was relieved and put the cookies on a cooling rack before going to the fridge to get my dulce de leche.

Mary Lou was at the fridge so I waited patiently for her to get whatever she was getting, but I could see her shifting around a number of things. When I saw her pull out my pan I got concerned.

"What are you doing, Mary Lou?" I said more sharply than I intended.

She looked at me with narrowed eyes while holding the pan with only one hand. "I can't find my icing, I swear I put it nearby where this pan was."

I'd chosen the highest shelf since I knew it would be easiest for me to reach. Mary Lou was significantly shorter than me, why would she have put it up so high?

I frowned but walked over to the fridge, gently taking my pan out of her hands. When I looked into the fridge, there it was, an icing bowl awfully close to where my pan was. I reached up and handed the bowl to her without comment. I would never accuse her of sabotage but she just got way too close to my things...

I spent the next twelve minutes letting my cookies cool and then assembling the sandwiches. As soon as the judges declared that round of the competition was over I found myself looking over at Ai.

She came up to me and gave me a high five. "Thank you so much."

I shrugged, it wasn't a big deal. "If you ever need help you can just ask. It's not against the rules for me to give you a hand."

Ai grinned and for a second I realized that she was actually quite pretty. Like Manny she was one of those people who had an infectious smile.

#

"Colour me impressed," Aditya said after a bite of the dulce de leche cookie. "It's really...quite good." He looked like he was looking for something bad to say but couldn't find it.

Miranda echoed his statements more favorably but Isaac's compliments were positively glowing. "Man," he said softly, "these are awesome. I overhead what you told Aditya and what's your best friend's mom's name?"

"Carmen."

Isaac stared straight at the camera. "Carmen, bless your wonderful heart for teaching this recipe to Darius because I think I'm in love."

That gave all of us a chuckle and I was happy I'd done so well. I stepped back to my station just feeling pure happiness. The responses for everyone else varied from very positive to very negative but their response to my dish had surpassed all the others.

But, when I won I was stunned. For a second i just stood there. Was this really happening?

Aditya's expression softened. "Yes, Darius, this is really happening."

I flushed, rubbing the side of my face. "Oh my God, did I say that out loud?"

A few people chuckled and Isaac nodded that yes I had. The three judges congratulated me again and I felt like I was on cloud nine. Wow, I'd won the pre-bake and it didn't feel even a little bit real. Things couldn't get any better than that.

And then they did when it when after our confessional session, the producers announced we'd be getting the rest of the day off and would be allowed to video chat with our relatives.

Back at the house, we waited for the laptops to arrive while eating Chinese takeout and talking over the day. On my way back from a bathroom break, Mel cornered me in the hallway.

I blinked in surprise, looking down at the uncomfortable expression on his face. "Darius, did you sleep in your bed last night?"

I paused before replying, "No. I didn't feel... like it would be right."

He frowned. "Why?"

His innocent tone annoyed me. "You don't think you said anything wrong?"

"I think I have a right to comfort, and not wanting to sleep in the same room as someone whose lifestyle makes me uncomfortable. Just because everyone is supposed to be okay with the way things are doesn't mean I have to be." The more he was speaking, the more disgusted he sounded and I realized what he'd said earlier wasn't a slip, or a bad joke.

I was coming off of a win, I had a friend in Ai, soon I'd be able to talk with my mom, Manny, and even Trace. My confidence should have been sky high but instead I could feel my tongue get heavy in my mouth and sweat start to prickle against the back of my neck. As big and tall as I was, Mel made me feel small. "I— can't share a room with you," I said thickly, "I won't share a room with you. I don't agree with anything you've said. I think it's wrong and that...you must be an awful teacher."

"I'm a great teacher."

"How exactly," I said sharply, "would that happen if you're an awful human being?"

Mel's brows raised. "Excuse me?"

"I'm gay," I said, feeling my temper make me bold, "I'm as gay as I am black. It's not a— a fucking lifestyle. Being vegan is a lifestyle."

"You're...what?" Mel's eyes widened before he took a step back. He looked almost afraid.

"You heard what I said."

Mel blinked once and then his face started to turn red. I couldn't tell if it was anger, humiliation or some blend in between. "Oh."

I waited for an apology and then realized how stupid it was to expect one from him. Slowly, I rubbed the back of my neck before sighing and walking away. Anger. That's exactly what I was feeling and I so rarely felt angry I almost didn't recognize the dark knot of rage tightening in my stomach.

When I went back into the kitchen a few of the crew members of the show had arrived with slim laptops. Soon, they set us up and I was able to go to my bedroom and speak with my mom.

Both her and my dad were on the other side of the screen speaking in Ewe. There was a cameraman with me in the room trying to get an angle for the show. We talked for about fifteen minutes while my mom asked me if I was eating okay, and if the bed was long enough for my feet, and if I was making sure to behave and represent the family well. My dad just mentioned that he hadn't seen me in a couple weeks and when I came back we needed to watch a Nollywood film together.

The camera guys left after my segment with my parents and I was allowed two more calls. So I decided to call Manny next.

Manny was predictably working on a property and I could hear the faint sound of hammering in the background. Despite all that, Manny always spoke to me very fondly. He asked all the same questions my mom asked and eventually I started to talk about Trace. I'd hurriedly texted Manny before my plane took off that I'd confessed my anxiety to Trace so he was up to date on just about everything.

"Do you think he still likes me?" I said quietly, "I mean, now that he knows about me?"

"Anyone who would judge you for something out of your control isn't worth it. You know that, mijo." Manny had this incredible way of assuaging my worries.

"Why do you call me mijo so often?" I murmured while watching Manny on the other side of the screen eating a cupcake from a parcel of sweets I'd left him before I had to go.

"You don't like to be touched and I have to show you affection somehow."

I felt like I was blushing. "Oh,uh, I think I have to go now."

Manny let out a bright laugh. "Alright, knock 'em dead, Darius."

My next call was to Trace and I was both nervous and excited. When his face popped up on the screen I didn't know what to say. He looked lovely, as per usual, with those soft brown eyes and his almost brown skin and dark thick lashes. I got lost somewhere around his mouth, and I wished I could kiss those lips that so easily fell into a frown.

Somehow, just seeing him again made me feel breathless, but hearing his voice was worse. A wave of desire rolled across my skin when he said hello. It had only been a day since I last saw him but it was like telling him about my anxiety had made me feel closer to him in a brand new way.

"Can you hear me?" Trace asked after I forgot to reply.

"Oh, uhm, yeah. Sorry, hi. It's nice to see you."

Trace smiled as if my nervousness was endlessly endearing. "How are things for you over there?"

"I miss you," I blurted out feeling oddly vulnerable.

Trace blinked in surprise before he blushed and licked his lips. "Oh, well, I miss you, too." It felt almost as awkward as our first date before he continued, "Also," he said softly, "I started reading some books about anxiety disorders just to understand the whole thing better. Just so you know."

That was unexpectedly touching and I rubbed at my eyes, trying not to cry on screen. "I'm sorry I don't know a lot about video games. Or AFOS 3: The End is Near. I was watching TV last night and I saw you on the electronics channel. I didn't realize you were involved in such big projects."

Trace laughed lightly before replying. "It's actually called ACOS 3: The End is Nigh. And, that's just work stuff. I can talk about it if you want me to, but I prefer to talk about other things when we're together."

"And, I really appreciate the way you try to understand me," I rattled on feeling like I just had to get it out. "Even thought I can be nervous, and awkward and weird."

Trace frowned then sighed. He took his time to reply, shifting on his end until the view was more zoomed into his face. "If I'm honest..." he trailed off.

"You can be honest," I said quickly.

"I find how flustered you get pretty adorable," Trace said softly. He lowered his lashes briefly as though he were considering his next words ad they were surprisingly firm, "You're probably the cutest guy I've ever met, Darius. Trust me, you aren't weird. I think I was already infatuated with you when we met."

It felt like all the air had seeped out of me, and I covered my face with my hands. Oh my God.

Trace laughed fondly. The sound was so comforting and warm. "Are you embarrassed?"

"Obviously," I mumbled. It was becoming increasingly apparent that I didn't know how to  be cool or suave in front of Trace, even when we were thousands of kilometres apart and in different countries.

"I wish I could kiss you," he said with a quiet heat in his voice, "and other stuff."

I peeled my hands off of my face. "Other stuff?"

"Yeah, other stuff." Trace gave me a meaningful look before he continued speaking. "But, all that will have to wait until you get back. I'm not really into phone se-"

"Oh, wow!" I interrupted quickly as soon as I realized where the conversation was going. "Y'know, this room isn't soundproof and you're on speaker, Trace."

He laughed again and I loved the sound of it. "Right, right, I gotta remember that."

Someone knocked on my door before poking their head in and I saw it was Richard. "Hey Darius, a few more minutes and time's up."

I turned to Trace but he was already shifting on his end of the screen. "This time next week?"

I nodded and I realized I really didn't want to say goodbye. I was really falling for Trace and it was such a shame I'd be in the competition for up to six more weeks. I rubbed the side of my face awkwardly, thinking about how Jeremy had cheated on me because I wasn't enough. Was I enough for Trace? Would he get tired of waiting?

"Darius?" He called out and I looked at Trace quickly.

"Sorry, it's just...waiting for me is okay, right? You won't get bored?"

"You won't be gone all that long, Darius. And when you come back I'll be at the airport to give you a hug and a kiss, okay?"

I gave him a small smile. "Okay."

We said our goodbyes and that was it. I laid down on my bed after closing the laptop and knew I had to make this entire experience worth it. I was so far removed from my comfort zone I may as well have been on another planet. As long as I made it worth it, things would be okay.

#

Overall thoughts?

Are there any characters who make you think they have ulterior motives?

What do you think the hardest part about being in a long distance relationship will be for Darius and Trace?

What do you think the hardest part about being on reality TV is? I feel like for Darius, it would be the constant watching.

The next chapter will be in Trace's perspective, so we'll get a little break from Darius. I know it seems kind of lazy to introduce a new perspective at this point. But it's my story so I'm just gonna do whatever I want to do, lol.