A.N: major edits conducted over the course of my hiatus, mostly from 10-14. If something doesn't exactly make sense, you might want to reread the biggest chapter reworks 10 & 14.

___

Soundwave was silent as the dead as he watched the rather awkward exchange between Arcee and Optimus Prime, though his mind was elsewhere. He could still feel the inexplicable rush of adrenaline pumping through his fuel lines as he crushed that Vehicon's cables and stole their spark, their shocked and agonized cries making him have to stifle a laugh of hysteria. Soundwave clenched down on his denta, uncomfortable with himself.

When had he ever been so blood-thirsty?

In all his limitless years, after the brainwashing and fabricated memories took place, a lust for battle had never once occured to him. He was always composed, reasonable, and an obedient puppet to Lord Megatron. He'd never once tried to live for himself. Yet now, so many confusing and intense emotions resided within him, and it was giving him a headache.

Soundwave's expression contorted into irked frustration as he lifted a suddenly heavy servo to his pounding helm; dipped downwards and facing the floor. The Autobot's incessant talk recounting recent events did no favors to ease the stress-caused ache in his throbbing helm. He curled his free servo into a severely tightened fist, teetering on the brink of malfunction from his current mental situation.

Soundwave never before needed to push forward the effort in keeping a straight face when a visor covered his entire faceplate. It was an excellent feeling to get away with stealing dirty glances at others, or the occasional disgruntled expression at Starscream's antics, for instance. However, he could allow not but a smidgen of his emotions get the better of him and his actions, so consequently ignored the vast majority of interactions that would bring out such meaningless feelings.

Now, sorely lacking in any experience of the emotional sort, and having no set rules or orders to go back on and follow as he always had--for once; Soundwave was completely unaware of what to do with himself.

Is this how he'd lived before? Freely expressing his emotions, his wants and desires--his anger--all without having to hide behind a mask? Without any self-control...?

"Soundwave."

The Ex-Decepticon flinched at the sound of his designation being called, pulling his servo away from his faceplate while straightening his posture as he slowly raised his helm to meet the Prime's gaze.

"How are you?" Optimus questioned, concern lingering on the edge of his voice.

Soundwave stiffened at the inquiry, feeling his jaw tighten at the already uncomfortable air thicken even further as everyone's optics in the space fell onto him.

This concern for his well-being was unlike that on the Nemesis, and made a strange and foreign feeling bubble up from the depths of Soundwave's chest. Megatron regularly made sure his Chief Communications and Surveillance Officer was in respectable shape, and yet...his concern never penetrated deeper than that of a superior reflecting his dignity and pride by use of his soldier's outward appearance. However, Soundwave did not recieve that same type of feeling from the Prime's tone. Rather than his phsyical state, they were asking what Soundwave felt inwardly, which made the former Leiutenant shiver from just the thought.

"--I am functioning." Soundwave listlessly replied, glancing down coldly to his energon-soaked servos, and torso, and...

Oh.

"However, I would not reject--a way to clean off this residue..." Soundwave added, finally back to reality and his usual self, the anxiety from before melting away from his mind as if it were never there.

Or so it seemed...

Ratchet stepped in front of the others, putting on a poker face to shadow his unsettled concern. "Of course." He asnwered calmly, fitting of a medic. "After that, though, I would like to show you the current print I've drafted on how to salvage your voice."

Soundwave's frame flinched in surprise, tilting a nod quickly afterward so Ratchet would know he understood. The Autobot medic beckoned him to follow, and he shifted forward at first, but froze mid-step.

"Ah. Additionally, is there any update on our mission--to board the Nemesis? I doubt their trajectory would have altered--a significant amount--I can still accurately estimate coordinates based on their speed and time--since I was last on the Nemesis." The former Decepticon brought up the subject in a number of different playbacks of voices.

Ratchet stiffened at the mention of the topic, and glanced to Prime, who was delved deep into his thoughts at the time. Slowly, Optimus lifted his gaze, and pursed his dermas into a thin line.

"I apologize, Soundwave, but I--we believe that it is still too dangerous a plan to act on, especially with the coordinates of the Nemesis at your mercy and discretion, and the time that has already passed giving way for possible calculation errors." Optimus grimly admitted.

Soundwave tried to stay unreadable in the optics of the others, but couldn't help but breathe out a short, frustrated sigh that visibly pushed up his shoulder plates. Of course, he shouldn't have expected anything from what had been his enemies for eons. But, what is he to do now? What will happen to Ravage, when his master is now most likely deemed a traitor? Would it be alright to tell the Autobots about his other familiar, and reveal his only remaining card up his sleeve?

"There will be other opportunities to board the Nemesis, we just have to wait for the right moment, is all." Ratchet spoke up again, trying to appease the former Decepticon, but all his words were met with was silence. Ratchet scratched the back of his helm following a defeated vent, knowing the conversation was going nowhere.

"It's this way to the disinfectant station. Follow me. I'll show you the rough draft afterwards."

. . .

"Here it is. This is mostly based off guesstimations right now, given the current amount of research and information I've had to go off and lack thereof." Ratchet pointed to various parts of his print and explained a plethora of medical and technical terminology that Soundwave was utterly in ignorance of. The luminescent, vibrant blue energon that clung to his paint and seeped through the gaps in his armor as it trailed down his frame was all that occupied his mind, and sent a cold chill down his spinal strut.

"Soundwave, are you listening?"

Soundwave's helm shot up to meet Ratchet's gaze, and nodded reflexively, the eery feeling of energon sticking to every part of his body still uncannily vivid as he stared into Ratchet's optics, blue as the energon that haunted his nerves.

"Affirmative."

Ratchet hesitated a moment after Soundwave's reply before venting audibly; something he seemed to be doing every so often ever since they entered the medical bay.

"Anyway, in order to find a more precise way to fix your voicebox - if it's indeed possible - I'll need to open you up." Ratchet said bluntly, staring Soundwave down for any hint of a reaction from his movements since his visor left his expression unreadable.

Open me up? As in, to dissect me?

Soundwave recoiled slightly, pulling his servos closer to his sides. Taking a glance at his injuries was one matter, but an entire examination? It was difficult enough as it was revealing his faceplate for even a single moment. Showing any weakness destroyed the persona and reputation Soundwave so tirelessly built up for himself. It was sickening to know that any one Autobot knew of this imperfection of his that plagued his frame, let alone multiple. The feeling of pity from them was disgusting.

Ratchet searched around in his mind on how to quell the Ex-Decepticon's concern, but he wasn't necessarily the best qualified for that sort of thing. The air was currently tense, and the Autobot medic didn't want to leave it that way for much longer, so decided to speak up again, carefully, with what came to mind in the short timeframe that was to convince Soundwave.

"..I'll...make sure that I will be the only one ever occupying the operation room, and you'll be put under while I examine you. I wouldn't have made this suggestion if there were any other options available." The medic said plainly, but sincerely.

The former Decepticon clawed up his sides in anxious deliberation, scratching a bit of his paint in the process.

If this is truly the only way to recover my voice...I don't have a choice. There will never be another opportunity like this that crosses me again.

"--Very well. You may do as needed."

. . .

Back in the main area, Prime and the rest of the Autobots were still in the space, with the small humans ready to be taken home by their assigned charges. Arcee began walking over to Jack, who was waiting for her, before Optimus stopped the two-wheeler by placing a large servo on the back of her shoulder plate, causing her to look back in question.

"Arcee, I'll need to keep you a while longer. Bulkhead can drop off Jack for tonight." Optimus looked to the wrecker, and the green bot gestured a thumbs up before transforming and opening two doors for Miko and Jack.

Arcee turned to face Optimus Prime, a quizzical look on her faceplate.

"What is it, Optimus?"

The Prime glanced away briefly as he lowered his arm from her shoulder plate, his optical ridges furrowing and his optics dimming in preperation, mentally, knowing the information he wanted from his friend would be far from light-hearted. Optimus reverted back to his serious gaze when he looked back at the two-wheeler, determined to find the context between the lines of Soundwave's most recent behaviour.

"To finish our conversation from earlier...what exactly happened with Soundwave?" Prime asked with a certain indescernable look captured in his electric blue optics.

Arcee lowered her helm and grit her denta; the recent resurfacing memory making her visibly uncomfortable as she remembered it.

"...It was like he was possessed. He ruthlessly gutted a Vehicon - tearing out their cables as they gushed out liquid energon ceaselessly, pooling onto the ground beneath them - crushed their spark with his bare servos, and visibly laughed. I couldn't recognize him, hardly at all."

"This was all done by Soundwave?" Prime breathed in subtle surprise.

"I know its hard to believe..." Arcee's voice wavered as her optics shifted away.

Optimus had an expression that read he might have understood the reasoning behind Soundwave's actions, but was at the same time hesitant to say anything for certain.

"No...actually, I-"

"What are you two prattling on about in secret? You both look distressed." Ratchet voiced casually from a short distance away as he approached the two, startling them both out of their focus on the topic they were discussing.

"Its nothing to fret over, Ratchet. More importantly, how is Soundwave doing?" Optimus dismissed Ratchet's curious interjection, and the medic could see right through his old friend.

"You're not one to lie, Optimus. On top of that, deflecting my question to our new, wounded bot?" Ratchet tsked and shook his head disapprovingly.

"Its truly nothing to be concerned with. I just wanted to ask Arcee a little bit more of what happened on the other side of the ground bridge earlier today, that's all." Optimus stated truthfully, and Arcee nodded afterward.

Ratchet squinted his optics at Optimus with suspicion written all over them, but let it go rather quickly with a soft sigh, his shoulder plates dropping simultaeneously as he knew it was pointless to further prod the unwavering Prime.

"If you say so." Ratchet straightened himself and chilled his gaze slightly.

"Soundwave is currently in a brief, comatose-like recharge. I did it to thwart any stress he might have during the examination process. Actually- I should probably be getting back to him. I was admittedly stalling until now." He said, glancing away. "Despite our history, it makes me upset at what Soundwave...endured." The Autobot medic started to step back towards the med-bay.

"I'll leave you to your conversation, then."

.
.
.

Is this what it feels like to be dead?

...

Perhaps, I would be better off dead.

No, I know it would be better.

Why, exactly, have I endured this for so, incredibly long...?

Living.

Is that what I've been doing this whole time? What a waste of effort that was.

I should just--no.

I can't give up like this.

But, then again - haven't I lived long enough? Shiner would be satisfied, wouldn't he? Ravage and Laserbeak...they'll be alright in the hands of the Autobots.

...

Negative.

Ravage is still on the Nemesis. I must secure his safety here at this base first and foremost, and keep my thoughts at bay...

"Haha! And I was actually beginning to think you were finally going to give in this time."

Soundwave raised his helm in surprise, his body suddenly manifesting itself into physical form within his dream. He looked down briefly at his fully functional servos before he whipped his gaze around for the source of the one who spoke to him, finding the voice...familiar.

"You shouldn't be so hasty to die, pal. Not even your death could atone for all the gruesome sins you've commited."

Soundwave flinched, his breathing turning momentarily shallow as the words echoed in his mind, his gaze instinctively dropping to the nonexistent floor.

However, his optics soon looked up and widened as the figure of Shiner appeared like metallic mist in front of him; their optics no longer a solemn dark grey that retained no life, but a light blue - though still held an ominous, glazed over appearance within.

"They were destined to be canon fodder. They chose to give their lives for the wrong cause, and it was simply of their own misfortune that they chose wrong." Shiner shrugged as he talked, smiling gingerly, yet without an ounce of genuity, with a form that looked just as Soundwave remembered him all that time ago.

"Isn't that right, Soundwave?"

Soundwave stared at him, unable to muster any words to escape his intake.

"The enemy is nothing but a target that shoots back." Shiner continued in a frigid tone, ignoring Soundwave's lack of answer.

"In a war, that's all you could believe to save yourself from insanity."

Soundwave was no longer looking at Shiner, but through them and into his own thoughts.

Shiner...that last quote, he's said this before...

"Ah! I'm glad you remembered." Shiner grinned, enthusiasm brimming from every part of him as he placed his balled servos to the sides of his pelvis.

Soundwave's intake gaped openly at this point, and Shiner chuckled lightly.

"It's a little trick of mine." He smirked, referring to the reading of Soundwave's thoughts. "You can speak freely too, you know. This is your domain, afterall." Shiner added, pointing to Soundwave's cables, undamaged and free of any sign of burns or melting.

"Oh...I see.." Soundwave mumbled, stunned as words uttered freely from his dermas.

"Anyway, back to reminiscing, yes? The mindsets of our factions were truly one to shiver for." Shiner hummed.

"War substitues morality for self-preservation. Even the Autobots, who were praised for their honor, still had no choice but to kill...but do you think that makes you any better than them? Or makes light of your filthy actions?"

Soundwave's breath hitched as Shiner's expression turned exceptionally cold, his optics suddenly a striking, glacial blue that pierced straight to your spark like it was nothing.

"Sometimes, it's easy to forget that Autobots and Decepticons both shed the same energon, and share the same lifeblood." Shiner proclaimed nonchalantly to the open space as he reeled back and settled his icy glare, glancing to Soundwave out of the corner of his optic.

"And yet...look at you breaking the mold! You'll kill anything with a pulse, won't you?" Shiner's helm turned fully towards Soundwave and tilted, smiling all the same with dull, hollow optics.

Soundwave's spark stopped. He could feel his entire frame group numb as Shiner's unnerving grin spread along the edges of his faceplate.

"You reveled in your comrade's agony and suffering. You enjoyed the thrill of their beating spark fading by your very own handy work. What kind of monster are you?"

"N-no, I-I didn't mean to...I don't know what came over me..." Soundwave's trembling servos slowly reached up to his helm, his optics shaking as liquid energon silently bled over his digits; its luminescent, blue hue contrasting starkly to the pitch black abyss that enveloped them both in the same, endless void.

"Why, it's your true nature, of course."
______________________________________

. . .