Even though it's Friday, I still feel like this day is probably the worst I've had in a while. Maybe today wasn't the worst, but rather this whole week has been a shitstorm brewing and today is the day that it all erupts. When I look back, I can see the self-destructive things that led up to this day being so immensely horrible. Maybe if I would've gotten my work done instead of watched Jenna Marbles videos all week, I wouldn't feel this weight on my shoulders. It isn't even a boulder at this point, it's a whole ass mountain.

For starters, the semester ends in a week and I still have a unit and a half of my online class to do. I had like three months to do it, but here I am doing all of it at the last possible second like an idiot. My grades in Calculus, Physics, and Psychology are slipping. No matter how hard I try, I still can't understand some of the shit we learn. It seems like everyone else's lives are going great and they're staying afloat, but I'm sinking and I don't know how to come back up because I feel like I've buried myself into a hole. I leave all my work for the weekend, but when it comes to the weekend, I don't want to do it. I feel guilty for doing anything relaxing because I feel like I should be working on something, but sometimes I just can't find the motivation to do it.

I was nearly in tears the last period of the day. All the stress caught up with me and just thinking of the situation I put myself into made me want to crawl in bed and fall asleep forever. As my friends around me were laughing and joking about the plans they had this weekend, I just sat and stared at a wall because I didn't want to exist anymore.

"You ok?" my friend, Jade, asked me after she noticed that I didn't chime into the conversation.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just tired," I responded, snapping out of my fog.

"Me too," my other friend, Katie, said to me from across the table. "I'm going to get so baked tonight."

"I wish I could," our other friend, Maria, said from across Jade. "I have a stupid family dinner to go to. It's not like we see each other everyday anyways. I don't know why we have to have a formal dinner."

"Oh, I want to join," Jade said to Katie. "Do you think I could come over? I have to get some stuff done when I get home, but I would be able to come over afterwards."

"Yeah, that would be awesome!" Katie responded, excitement twinkling in her eyes. "I have to clean my room up a little bit, but you can come over when I'm done. It'll take me like twenty minutes."

"I'll be over! Just text me when you're ready."

They kept talking, but I tuned them out. I looked at whoever was speaking so they didn't question me, because I think that if I started explaining what was on my mind, I would spiral and start bawling in front of all these people in my study hall.

All I was thinking about was going home, binging a carton of ice cream, and falling asleep for twelve hours. I probably should do something a little less self-destructive, but I'm just so tired that I don't have the energy to eat some fruit, exercise, and all that bullshit. I just feel like a failure so what's one more thing that's bad for me.

The bell finally rung and I gathered up my things as fast as I could. I didn't even say goodbye to my friends as they were talking about how high they were going to get. All I was focused on was getting out this school and to my car before my eyes startled sprinkling tears like a waterfall. I didn't want to make jokes and laugh about stupid shit when I felt like my life was crumbling in the palm of my hand.

As I was walking to my tutorial class to sign out, I passed Rowan, the guy I had the biggest crush on. He was tall, fit, a brunette, and had the deepest shade of green eyes that you could get lost in. It was like looking into a beautiful, tropical forest. He was so incredibly kind, handsome, smart, and entirely out of my league. I was this short, overweight girl who can't even hold a conversation without making a fool out of herself. We had a couple classes together and of course he talks to some of my friends. He talks to my girl friends that can get any guy they want, including him, because they're so gorgeous. I'm sure he doesn't even take a second glance at me. My friend, Hannah, who he talks to has a bigger chance than I will ever have in my entire life. I can't even muster up the courage to look him in eyes.

Just like every time I walk passed him, I looked straight forward and tried not to trip over my own feet. I finally signed out and rushed down to my locker. On my way down, I ran into Jade and Katie walking in the opposite direction. They turned around and started walking with me.

"Hey, Claire, do you want to join us tonight?" Katie asked as Jade was giggling behind her.

I opened my red locker door and let out a forced smile. "Honestly, I'm good. I have a lot of stuff to do and I just think it would be better if I stayed in tonight." I shoved all my books and binders into my backpack and grabbed my coat.

"Well, suit yourself," Katie replied. "If you want to jump in, you know where to find us." Katie and Jade left, giggling and cracking jokes as they stumbled down the hallway.

I sighed and swung my backpack on my shoulders. Some tears were already trying to escape, but I tried to hold them back until there weren't people around me. When I got outside, I let a little more of them fall. I wasn't to the point of ugly crying, but I was getting there.

I finally got to my Ford Escape and threw my stuff in the back. Of course, Rowan parked a couple spots down from me, but I didn't see him anywhere. I got in the driver's seat and just let it all out. All the stress I was feeling, all the frustration, all the anger, and all the anxiety came out in tears. I tried not to sob like a child and make noises, but I couldn't help it. I just needed some sort of outlet for all this mental pain.

I cried about everything, even stuff I didn't know I was upset about. I cried about my grades, the overwhelming about of work to do, how broke I am, my weight, and the self-destructive decisions that have made me feel so guilty. I just needed a good cry. The school parking lot probably wasn't the best place for it, but I couldn't stop it.

Suddenly, I saw movement out of the corner of my right eye. My eyes were so filled with water that I didn't know if anyone was by my car or not. When I looked over and wiped the tears off my face, I saw that Rowan was opening my passenger car door. My heart sped up to probably one hundred miles an hour. I looked like an absolute wreck and I didn't really want him to ever see me like this. At least not until like the fifth date.

 I couldn't even speak or move. All that was going through my head was 'holy fuck Rowan fucking Winters is in my car. His ass is touching my car seat.' I couldn't do anything but just stare at him. The tears were still quietly streaming down my face like a river after a week without rain. My eyes were red and bloodshot. The tears made me look like I just washed my face because it gave me a glow.

"Hey, what's going on?" he said in a sincere voice. Damn, this boy is so hot.

"Um - I - It - A," I tried to say, but ended up just bursting into tears.  Just thinking about it,  let alone talk about it, made me want to cry a river. I just buried my face in my hands.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey," Rowan said while putting his arm around my shoulder. My car was pretty small, so it wasn't hard for him engulf me into a hug. The warmth of his chest and the faint smell of his cologne felt like home. At the same time, my heart was pounding out of my chest. He didn't need to say anything. Just having someone there to hold me was enough. It felt nice that there was someone comforting me, and I wasn't just crying alone. I mean, I was bawling like a baby in front of my crush, but it was still nice someone was there.

"Are you ok?" he asked as he pulled away a little bit.

I wiped the dried tears off my face. "Yeah, I just needed to cry."

Rowan's arms were still around me. "Is it because of anyone? Because I swear, if anyone has been talking shit I'll beat their ass."

I let out a laugh. "No, I'm just really stressed out. I feel like my life is falling apart and I can't do anything about it."

I looked up into his beautiful, bright eyes. "Hey, it's ok. Everything will work out and I can assure you your life is not falling apart. Unless you do heroin."

I laughed again. "I'm most definitely not doing heroin."

"Ok, good, because I got worried there for a second." He smiled. "I think you need something nice. Do you want to go get some coffee? It's on me."

My heart lit up so bright, I'm sure he could see it. "Yeah, sure."

"Here, I'll drive us in my car," he said as he opened his door. Still in shock, I grabbed my keys, locked my car,  and climbed into his Toyota Camry. The leather seats were hot from the sun beating down on them.

He was adjusting everything and then looked over at me. He stared at me for a couple seconds, his hair in a perfect mess on the top of his head. "What?" I finally said, a little laugh in my voice.

His mouth curved into a smile. "Nothing. I know this is really weird, but you look really beautiful."

+++

you can tell i have a type