Fifty-six days, three hours, and ten minutes have passed since the night Rai and I last slept in the same room. It's feels like it's been even longer since we had a conversation or had dinner together. 

He's been disappearing lately. Sometimes I would return from work and find that he's not home. And those days I would sleep before he returns. The longest he's disappeared was two days and a night. The morning of that chaotic period I asked where he was and he said he didn't know. 

It would be orderly to say the worst experience I had because of Rai was the night Jeff's men were shooting at me- but these past few weeks have been worse than any physical wound I've ever endured since moving out of my mother's. 

The second time he disappeared I practically lost it- I searched the neighborhood high and low. But saw no sight of him or the car. By the time I returned I was exhausted and had no energy to move a muscle. 

"Come on Rai, where are you?" I whispered climbing the stairs to my balcony. 

"Hey Christina!" Jenna called in my direction and waved. 

Christina? Ahh. The name I lied was mine when we first moved in. I smiled and waved back hoping that would be the end of it- but she didn't read body language as well as a girl her age should. Jenna jogged across the front lawn and stood at the bottom of the staircase. 

"Hey- I have a question." She began- "Why did you lie to my mother about Rafael's real name?" 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Rai told us that his name isn't Rafael. He said it was Raimondo." 

What? He remembers? He can't remember- I mean only recently I spent an hour telling him about who he was- who I was and basically being his memory for him. How could he suddenly remember? 

Ignoring Jenna's obvious interrogation I asked her if she's seen Rai anywhere. 

"Yeah- a few days ago when he told us that his name wasn't Rafael. He had some yellow papers in his hands-"

"Excuse me," I interrupt her and enter the house dead bolting the door after me. 

What in the world is going on? I barged into Rai's room and searched for anything that would clarify why Rai had yellow papers- the only time he ever had those papers was when Jeff was using him as an asset for his father's gang. And if he had them now that would only mean one thing- 

I pulled open one of the cabinets and then another and another until the room looked like it was just hit by a tornado. 

Nothing. 

Not a single thing. I lifted the mattress and pushed it off the bed. Beneath it there was the folded magazine cut out of the Jacuzzi Rai was building. I dropped to my knees and looked under the bed to find a box. Pulling it out, I silently prayed for my intuition to be wrong. 

I sat cross legged and removed the top. Inside the box was the video camera I bought ray and white papers filled with writing in cursive script. Most of them were incoherent. But some were readable. Ignoring the camera for a second I rummaged through the papers and until I found something I could read. 

3.4. i don't remember. 

3.5. i don't remember 

3.6. i don't remember

3.7. i don't remember 

3.8., 3.9., 3.10.,3.11.,

They all had I don't remember. I flipped the paper to the back and it was the same- all except the last line.

3.27. Eddie had a thick accent. Dad why is your accent so think? Amira laughed- she always laughed. But Valerie was different she just watched silently. 

3.28. Valerie made Eddie a cake. She baked it herself. It was burnt. She always burned the cake. 

3.29.  i don't remember

3.30. i don't remember

It was like this for all the other papers. He remembered some things. He lied to me. But why- 

I was about to put the papers away and grab the camera when my eye landed on a paper that had my name on it. 

6.12. Who is she? I don't remember Audrie. 

6.13. Who is she? 

6.14. Who is she? 

6.15 i don't remember

6.16. i don't remember

6.17. she's lying to me

I threw the papers on the ground and turned on the camera. The blue screen came to life. I pressed play. No tape. 

What the- 

Pushing the eject button I opened the tray and the tape was not in there. He took it. It wasn't there. Grabbing the box off the floor and dug past the papers for the tape. Nothing. 

Shit. My palms begin to sweat and crease the papers beneath them. Putting everything back in the box I shoved it back underneath the bed as though it were on flames and I was afraid of burning my hands. 

Where are you Rai- I cursed myself for keeping so much information away from him. How could I have told him about the woman he was engaged to- how could I awaken the love that was already in his heart when I knew that I would go completely insane knowing that at the end of it all he would return to the woman that left him when he needed her most. She wasn't right for him- how could I help remind him? I knew it was going to happen eventually and he was going to remember her anyway- but how was I expected to directly assist him in remembering her? 

I felt guilt wash over me and worst of all- regret. And now he remembers- he remembers his father, Amira, and Valerie- he remembers them all but me. All but Audrie. I slammed the cabinets back into place to keep myself from crying and then the mattress, and then the sheets. By the time I was done I could no longer hold it in. Collapsing on the bed I finished making, I curled against Rai's scent and cried myself to sleep.  

- 

When I awoke the first thing I felt were the dry tears that crusted my cheeks- reminding me of what I had discovered the day before. 

"Damn you Rai-" I whispered between new tears- "damn you to hell and back."

It took me another hour or so to compose myself enough to leave his room. He wasn't back yet. If he was I would've heard him enter- and he would've left a trace. The house was dark- I wasn't sure if it was dusk or dawn. Looking over at the clock it read 5 am. 

I dragged myself to the bathroom, washed my face, and looked into the mirror. Predictably- I was a mess. But I didn't care- I grabbed a change of clothes from my drawer- changed and went to work. 

There was only one way to keep from going insane- stay on routine. Always stay on routine. There was nothing else I could do. I had no idea where he was. Who he was with. What he was doing. The only thing to be done is wait. Wait for what though? Wait for hell? Wait for pain? Wait to hear that all this time Rai was hiding that he was remembering? 

On my walk to work I walked past the clinic that Rai was going to for his sessions. Without thinking I found myself walking towards it- through the doors and into the main lobby. Ignoring the receptionist- I flipped through the patient log. Rai's name wasn't on it- not one week ago or two- or three or four... He wasn't coming in for his sessions. Where was he going? Why did he lie to me? 

Finally acknowledging the angry receptionist. I asked her whether or not she's seen a man that looked like Rai. She shook her head and said she never met- before I walked out she warned that if I returned she would call security- among other things. 

Too dead in the bones to care about her threats- I continued to work. 

-

When my shift was over I grabbed my pay and began my walk home. Maybe he came back- I was sure he was there. I can feel it in my skin. It was kind of dark out- the sun was in the process of being completely set and the air was cooler than it was in the morning. 

Three blocks from work I felt like I was being watched. Looking around, I stuffed my hands in my pockets. There were people out and a few cars- purposely changing my pace every few feet, I noticed that a black sedan was mirroring my speed. The headlights were off- which was the first thing to tick my gut and adrenalin off. When the car persisted on following my every turn- I began to run. And just as I thought it followed. My feet were no match for the car- I knew this but I continued to run. And taking advantage of the fact that I was on my feet- I cut through yards and allies until I thought I lost the car and ran the rest of the way home ducking behind cars and building when I thought the same car was driving by. 

I entered through the back with a black thought in my head. What if that was Jeff? What if he spotted me? Did he follow me home. But all of that was forgotten when I heard a loud thud come from the living room. Running through the hall I stopped at the sight before me. 

He was back. 

He dropped to his knees. His black hair covering his eyes, and his lips slightly swollen from crying. Suddenly I forgot the papers- I forgot his lies and I forgot the tears that I shed the night befoer. I couldn't stand to see him hurting and it took everything not to break down and cry with him. So this is what he did while I was gone. Cry and destroy. That would explain the broken dishes from the night before, and the hole in the wall from this morning. He's in pain and he's hiding it. I wanted more than anything to walk up to him , to embrace him but I couldn't risk it. Jeff may have been the one in the Sedan and if he spotted me on my way back and remembering the last time I tried to hold Rai, my nearness only made him scream louder.

"Why can't I remember?" Raimondo whispered.

"It's right there. The memory is so close. I can feel it. But not you." his voice began to rise. "Why don't I remember your face?" He stood, now stalking towards me. I backed up instinctively.

It's Okay. I wanted to say. It's okay, I told myself. Don't be afraid. He wouldn't hurt you. Would he? No. Raimondo is not capable of hurting anyone. But Jeff would. Jeff was capable of all kinds of things.

And at the moment more than anything I wanted- no needed,  to calm him down, if Jeff saw me coming back from work then all he needs is to hear Raimondo's voice and he'd be certain it was me. Everything I've done, everything I planned to do... down the drain.

Raimondo stopped an inch away from me, "why don't I remember your face? You say I know you, and I feel that I know you. But no matter how hard I think-" he paused searching my face then without warning he grabbed the top rail of a wooden chair, lifted it over his head and slammed it against the wall sending splinters and pieces of the chair across the room.

"WHY"

He picked up another and did the same. "CAN'T" and another "I"

"REMEMBER?" he placed his hand beneath the table and flipped it into the glass display cabinet.

My heart began to beat in my chest, loudly. But even that didn't keep the sound of Jeff's fist connecting with the door.

"Audrie!" he called. "Are you alright? Open this door." 

Backing away from the front door and mustering the courage to walk towards Rai- I raised my hands as though I was trying to tame a wild animal. 

"Rai- I will tell you everything if you would just please come with me." I begged. 

Rai shook his head. "No. I don't know who you are-"

"Yes you do. I could help you-"

"No you can't. I remember them all- I remember them all but not you. Who are you? What am I doing here and where is my family." I took a step back suddenly realizing what was happening. Raimondo finally remembers. He found his memory- but everything that happened from the moment he lost it until now is gone. He's familiar with none of it. Meric warned me- they all warned me that this would happen. But I didn't believe it. It's like I never existed to him. All this time was never real for him.  

Hitting the wall, I couldn't take it anymore. Rai's screaming, Jeff's banging, and suddenly the sound of the doorframe breaking into pieces all faded out as I dropped to the floor and was absorbed into complete darkness.

-

I had a neighbor named Jasry. Every now and then he would take me with him to the nursing home where he would spend the day reading stories to people who were too old to see the text. They liked Jasry and so did I. One day when I returned home from school- I was in the fifth grade- mother didn't drive home like she normally did. She went onto the highway and drove for hours until we reached a stretch of tall buildings. I remember there were large blue signs reading DMC throughout. And I remembered asking her why we were going to the hospital. She just looked at me with sadness in her eyes and kept walking. I followed. We entered through moving doors, through a security check, and into an elevator. The ride up was very quiet. She said nothing and I was too scared that she might cry if I made her talk. 

We got off the elevator and walked into a room. There were doctors around a bed- they were blocking my view. They all had white coats on. When they walked out- one of the doctors patted my head and smiled weakly. 

Mother moved around the bed to sit on the other side. I watched her solemly move around like a zombie. 

Finally removing my eyes from her- I looked at the bed. Jasry was in it. 

I remember silently sitting on the opposite side of my mother and watching Jasry sleep. We stayed their long- so long that the beeping sound of the ECG began to sound normal. Mother said nothing. I said nothing and then we left. But the beeping sound was still there- always there. 

Even now I hear it. But this time there are other voices. First a man- 

"She should wake up soon. We ran many tests and didn't find anything alarming." 

"What's happening. Why isn't she waking up?" another man asked. 

"We can't tell-" 

And then they were silent. 

Beep. Beep. Beep. Then a woman. 

"It's been four months. You can't wait here forever." 

And then silence. 

The third time I tried opening my eyes but couldn't. There weren't any voices. 

When I heard the beeping sounds for the last time the voices were arguing- "Sir, you can't take her out. She has to stay here.. it's against... policy..." 

Nothing. 

Drifting in and out of conciousness. Sometimes I heard him talk sometimes I didn't. 

When I was back there was soft laughter. "You know when I first met your mother I knew she was a mad woman. But she loved you very much. Crazy- but she... you." 

Darkness.

"Father's gone. The gang is destroyed.... Everything I wanted ...done."

Darkness.

"I didn't hurt Rai. I knew you wouldn't like... for you I left him. But everyone else is gone."

Darkness.

"Today is ... wedding. Valerie... they've been planning... he's sorry but he remembers everything."

No, please. I tried hard to stay concious. I wanted to know whose wedding. Not Rai. Please not Rai. I tried to hear but something pulled me back into darkness. 

"Audrie. When will you come back." 

Darkness. 

"Today's my birth..."

I recognized that voice. 

"Work is gruesome.... sometimes...wish.. I kept some of the money for..."  

I felt something cold and wet move up and down my arms. 

Darkness. 

"They all think I'm crazy..."

That cold thing was back. On my face and neck. 

Darkness. 

"Happy Birthday."

There was a pulling sensation against my scalp like someone was brushing my- 

Darkness. 

"They say Jeff... mad man.. she'll never.. wake up"

Darkness.

The beeping sound was back. 

Darkness. 

"Please... wake..." 

Darkness. 

"I love you Audrie Hawthorne...you crazy crazy girl"

Warm hands enveloped around mine and something wet dropped against them. Don't cry, I wanted to say but I couldn't. It was pulling me back again...

but this time it wasn't darkness.