Day 30:

"It's almost time now. In just tomorrow, i will be back to that hell hole of a school....

Wait. All schools are like that, what am i saying ?.

Pfft-

Haha. I guess i'll have to investigate on a couple of things too.

From the surrounding environment, the teachers, and the little shit heads that used to bully this body. Well.... i guess it's like a restriction for me.

Oh yeah, i have to check on their backgrounds too huh....

What a pain in the ass.

Wait, patience comes first. I've been through a lot of stuff in this 3 months. From being dead,revived,reincarnated, to facing a lot of obstacles in my path. And hey, i still survived.

From my memories of this world that belongs to Amora, she saw the world as a grey monotone land. Even though that's not true, i know she saw it that way because she has always lived like that. From the day she found out about her magic powers. She started to have a new point of view in life.

She... really does remind me of my past self. The accuracy of the change in feelings is so spot on, that it hurts.

From my parents, my friends, and my hobbies+activities that i used to have. I left all of them when my body exploded into pieces. Still, i've been holding in my emotions for a while now.

Sometimes, i wish that i could be like a robot. I don't have to eat,feel, or rest whenever i needed to. I really don't like having an emotional burst of thought. In fact, i hated my brain whenever my emotions tried to control me.

So i shut it all in. Never to see the light again. I did all kinds of good and bad things when i was still alive there. I used to thought that i don't need anybody to feel alive. I used to thought that everything that i did was right, and the others are wrong.

Hehe, do i count as a sociopath too ?

I may have been a terrible guy to some people. Or a fallen angel type that few people liked.

I never felt anything new in the last few years. When i played my games, reading mangas, studied hard on my tests, or just playing with my friends, i do feel a burst of excitement or happiness.

But it's only temporary. It won't leave an impression on me. Cause i know i will always refert back to my old self. And everyone will go on with their own life while i'm stuck with my feelings.

There was a time when i started to think if all of this really matters. A time when i loved to watch failed suicide stories or an autopsy of mental illnesses. I always thought 'good for them' whenever i watched them finally have a happy ending.

After i watched them overcoming their fears in life, and be happy for once, i will thought to myself.

Will i be like them someday too ?

It may have been a stupid wish, but i really like it if someday, i would knew what true happiness is.

Since a child, i was always the smart one. With an IQ over 135, but a little EQ of 70. I was the golden child that every kid would envy. My parents were normal, so when they found out about my potential, they trained me to do all sorts of stuff. That's why i'm good with almost everything in the terms of art and writing.

Haha, since i'm part asian, i guess my compability with all kinds of stuff is not surprising. Well, the only thing that's keeping me down is my lack of interest in the sports world. I can't really run fast, and i'm bad at everything with balls or rackets.

I can only swim, and do some gymnastics. That's it. I'm horrible with the rest.

Listen here, i'm glad that i can't be good at sports. I don't want to be a character that everybody hates because of perfectness. No matter how good or bad you are, how you handle things with brains or guts, you are still just a human.

You are easy to break. You are easy to be replaced at times. There will always be someone higher than you.

To keep myself from over achieving or being cocky, i will plant that kind of mentality on me whenever i needed it. No one is truly perfect.

And you can't just pass with saying

"If nobody is perfect, and i'm a nobody, does that mean i'm perfect ?"

I'll apreciate the comedy there. If i ever met someone who told me that joke again, i'll have to thank them for bringing me back to reality.

I survived those tough times, when i felt alone even though i'm not. I've never felt romantic love or wanting it, but i guess i could dream of a day when that time comes. I really care for my friends that have colored my world. Some of them do mark a lasting impression that made you missed them dearly.

I've grown up. I'm not the sad child that used to see only 1 side of a coin.

For humans, there are so many sides of them that you haven't even figured. And i think that's the fun in exploring something new. If you look at me now and the me at then, we looked so different even though we are the same person.

Not gonna lie, but i felt a bit ugly whenever i saw a little bit of my face on the mirrors. Those were times when a bit of photography might scare me.

I may have grown up and changed a lot, but there's some things that still made me resembled my past self.

Anxiety, Untrusting, a bit of Overcaring, and a pinch of insecurity.

During my introverted dissociable years, those feelings developed deep inside me. No matter how i cover it up, all of that will resurfaced itself at times when i'm alone. I've had my share of panic attacks and silently crying while being curled into a ball whenever i'm truly alone.

The times when my brother mocked me with painful words or physically abuse me. Times when my father and mother got into a fight and threatened to divorce each other just because of money. Times when i failed to get a high score on my tests, even though everyone put their high hopes on me.Times when my existential crisis kick in.

Times when my best friend was gone.

A horrible time when that happened to me.

When everything felt like hell, and all didn't seem to matter, the only thing i could do in the past was just to smile it all away. With the help of my friends who gave me some laughter.

I know it's normal to have this kind of feelings whether you like it or not. It's what makes you human. Your feelings will always remind you of your humanity. Humanity is not just being kind or helping others, it's about following our true nature as humans and admit all of our doings with an accepting attitude.

For example, if you are a police that had to save a lot of people's lives, can you save all of them ?

What if a natural disaster happened ?

Or what if the guns had already shot most of them before you arrived ?

Can you bring back the dead and save the day ? No. You can only save what's left of them. Reality is not as good as a reviving potion in video games. To the people that was lost and to the people that survived, if you put the effort to save them, you will still be a hero of the day.

Trust me, i've been a redcross for a year. Times when it was an emergency that even the bravest can't save. I had few that i couldn't really save. It's not too late or anything. Most of them just accepted it. Even though i gave my best to help, sometimes... we have to let them go. We can't do anything at that point.

When the other kids at my age went to pick this and that, i'm working myself in different activities. I mean, a lot of them. From simple stuff like sewing clothes to sewing human skin.

I did all of that because i wanted to explore something new. Just to see if i could feel something good. And in the end, i did gained a handful of useful experiences that might keep me steady in life. Sadly, i didn't feel anything new. Nothing. Guess i'm forever stuck with being a rock.

From the day i left my home in the South East and came to America with my father, i was kinda glad that i didn't need to worry about everything that i'm gonna left since it wasn't too much.

And the first time i was being independent and rented a house from my hardworking part time job, i was kinda happy that i achieved all of that myself. Or when i managed to purchased in-game items that i bought with my own money. It felt good. Not 'good' enough, but it's satisfaction. I'll accept that.

I mean, for the me that used to play modded games and sometimes hacked them, purchasing something legally for the first time was an achievement to my name. I admit i was a pirate. I never felt guilty about it though. Even though i know how hard it is to make those games and be appreciated, i can't bring myself to feel sorry.

This, is also what made me a human. We have our good and bad part. Some tend to the good, or the bad more. And someone like me choose to be a neutral. In reality, i might be counted as chaotic good or lawful neutral. But honestly, i don't know much about those kind of stuff.

I... am kinda glad that i left that world. Even though i do miss my friends,my mangas, or my games there, all my worries about that life are completely gone. Well, i felt kinda bad to the people that actually cared about me. But i can't say that i'm in the wrong for leaving them so early. I mean, it's not everyday you found someone being blown up to pieces.

I didn't regret anything about my family or my temporary job. It may sound selfish, but i cared more about the well being of myself rather than those around me. Well, atleast i thought so. Since i've been through a lot of stuff alone, i never really cared about my surroundings.

But now.... i have to. Whether i like it or not, this world counts as a new fresh start for me. I have to give up my past life and make a new one here. I know it's probably hard, nor not easy. However, it's still me who got transferred here instead of somebody else.

.........hey. . . I think i'm crying now. When did my eyes actually leaked ?. Like usual, i never noticed these tears come out huh...."

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A/n :
Idk whether you want to see that picture from right or left, cause honestly, I don't even know anymore. I'm just tired. But somehow I managed to made it. This chapter is 1 day late.

And yet again a rough sketch and a bit of slice of life. Help me.