-Caterina

It's quite literally unbearably painful, yet so liberating at the same time. I do think it's leaning more towards painful, though. But I can't let myself focus on that. I have to grab on to the liberating part and enjoy that so much that I'll forget it ever even felt any other way.
It's very hard, though. My parents would be so extremely disappointed. My sisters wouldn't know what to do with me. My brothers wouldn't even wanna look at me. My grandparents, my aunts and uncles, most of my cousins, they'd all be ashamed of me. I don't know how I let it get to this, but knowing it will never be able to go back to normal again makes me not even wanna try.
I could see some type of disappointment in Demi too when I left the house. And weirdly enough that too made me feel bad. I don't really care too much about what she thinks of me. I didn't really think it would bother me if she doesn't like me or what I do. So it's just very surprising to me that as I sit here, doing something I know she doesn't approve of, I actually seem to care about her opinion.

I don't really want to push her too much, but in a way I kinda have to. I have to show that I don't have much regard for being a good girl. It's not like I wanna make it hard for her, but it's just that I have to prepare myself for what's to come once I'm back out in the world. I'm not always gonna be by Demi, she's not keeping me. I don't know how long I'll stay there. So I just have to be ready for when the time comes that I won't be sleeping under her roof anymore. 

I also know it'll be harder for me once I start school. I love school, I always have. I like to learn, I pay attention to the teachers and I have always done well. How am I supposed to keep up this attitude and also be serious about and do well in school? These two don't really go together so well. But I don't wanna mess up my whole education, when I've been doing so good until now.
That's why I don't wanna give her an answer about which school I wanna go to. I knew which one I would choose just from looking at the website and going to visit only confirmed my assumption that that would be the best one. But the sooner I choose, the sooner I begin. And I first need to figure out a tactic on how to do well and also be an ass at the same time.

"You could at least pretend to enjoy. You're such a mood kill," Dexter pulls me out of my thoughts. "Do you want me to stop?" He asks, while he continues thrusting in an out of me.
He's right. I don't enjoy it. Not even a little bit. I did give consent, though. He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing.

"No, keep going," I try to make myself more excited for it, but I can't. I really don't see what people find so fascinating about sex. The only reason I'm having it is because I feel like it's part of the personality I'm trying to adapt to- so in a way I have to do it. But in all honesty, I'm sixteen. I have no desire, nor do I feel the need to have sex. And yet, every time I see Dexter, we end up naked together. And it's been quite a couple of times now. We're not a couple, we're just friends. With benefits for him, cause he's loving it. I don't get much out of it though, but I do like him enough to keep going at it and letting him have some fun whenever we can.

I try to concentrate on him and not let him do all the work himself, as I see him getting close. "Thank you," he chuckles when he's done. "Wanna go grab a drink?" He offers. "It's still too early to go back home right? Let's go have a little more fun."

As per usual, I'm not too interested. But I nod, as we both get dressed. I know Demi doesn't let me come back drunk and I also know that she is for sure waiting up for me. But I still have enough time to get a drink and still be a teeny bit sober if I wanna come back at a time that's not too late to be keeping her up.
The more I do these things, the more I realize how much of a goody two shoes I've been my whole life. I've never been much of a rule breaker and it's weird for me to do something I know she really doesn't want me to do. But in some sense it's also a little exciting to do things I'm not allowed to do every once in a while. I've been doing a lot of things I've never been allowed to do, actually, over the last few weeks. But certain things I've already gotten used to and now I'm just waiting to get used to the others too.

"You're distracted, babe," Dexter pulls me out of my thoughts again. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"How's living with the lady going?" He asks.
We met only a couple weeks before I met Demi. He lives by himself in some run down building in a tiny apartment. He has a job and earns just enough to pay rent and buy some food. He actually offered me to come live with him, but I really didn't want to. I did sleep over at his place for two nights though, cause it was pouring outside and he wouldn't let me leave.
It's not walking distance though, where he lives- from Demi's house. So we don't really see each other every day anymore. But I think he likes me and therefore makes an effort to come here to see me. I don't like him in that way, though. But I do appreciate him and his friendship. So I just go along with whatever he wants, cause why the fuck not?

"Fine," I shrug. "She has a bigger house then your tiny place," I laugh.

"Hey!" He acts offended. "Don't insult my house. It's a beautiful place."

"Yeah, yeah. Just gorgeous."

"Bitch," he mumbles.

"Asshole," I reply, winking at him, as he grabs my arm and pulls me closer to him pressing his lips hard against mine.
It's as if every time I either kiss or have sex with him, a little part of myself disappears and my new self is coming together. And I know that's what I want. It's what I need. But I don't like it as much as I thought I would.

We end up in the same club we've been going to the last few times. I don't have a fake ID, but Dexter does and he knows one of the people that works there so he's the one that's getting me in and getting me drinks.
With the outfit I'm wearing, I'm being stared at by a lot of people. It's kinda what I was going for in a way, so I am kinda enjoying it. I'm getting a bunch of free drink because of it as well. And before I even know, I've had too many and am completely drunk.

"Oh, fuck, it's late," I gasp when I look at the time. I know Demi is waiting up for me, but it's too late to wait until I sober up a little. She won't let me in though. She made it so clear that I can not come back drunk.

"Let's go to my place," Dexter is even drunker then I am and there's no way I'm letting him get back to his place in this state.

"Nah, you're coming with me," I decided to just not care. I'm going back to Demi's and I'm taking him with me. We'll see what she's gonna do.

The walk back takes twice the amount of time it usually does cause we're both stumbling over our own feet. I've never been this drunk before, but at the same time I'm pretty aware of my surrounding and my actions. So clearly I can get even more drunk then I am right now. I'm not sure if I really wanna try that though. I think this is more then enough for me.

The disgusted look on Demi's face when she opens the door, sends an excruciating pang through my body and sobers me up quite a bit, but I'm not letting it effect me. I can't. "You're drunk," she states.

"That, I am," I giggle, even though I feel nothing like laughing right now. "So is he, by the way," I point at Dexter, who's being weird behind me. "He's my friend. You know, the one I was talking about. We also fuck sometimes, but he's not my boyfriend so I actually don't have to tell you, cause it's not one of your rules, I don't think, or maybe it is, I'm not sure," I continue babbling. It's taking so much effort, but I know I need to keep it up. "So, do I have to sleep out here tonight?" I ask. "I could just sleep in your car or your garage or something. That's not considered part of your house, is it? And he will be sleeping over too, just letting you know," Dexter has already seated himself on the steps in front of the house and is probably half asleep by now.

I can almost see the wheels turning in her head, as she's deciding what to do and it's killing me. "I'll set up a tent for you in the backyard," she says softly. "I only have one though and I don't want you two to share it," she's clearly having a very hard time and I so badly wanna run over to her and just give her a hug and beg her to forgive me. But I know I can't. "Go sit him down on the couch before he falls over. We'll figure something out," she's whispering so softly, I can barely even hear her.

"I broke one of the rules," I continue drunk giggling. "But you're letting me in anyway."

"No, I'm just putting you in the backyard where no one else can get to you. I'm not letting you in the house," she defends herself. She's not looking at me, not even in my direction, which is very unusual for her. But I really can't hold it against her. I totally deserve this.
She disappears upstairs while I'm laying Dexter on the couch. He's completely out of it already and doesn't even know what's happening. I wish I was in his state. I wish I couldn't feel anything right now. I wish I hadn't ruined my whole life the way I have.

"He'll stay here," Demi says when she comes down with a bunch of things in her hands. "Go get him a blanket, while I set this up for you outside," she's still not looking at me and I decide I've done enough damage for the night, as I do as she says. I grab the blanket off my bed, I have no idea where she keeps any of her other blankets, and wrap it around my sleeping fuck buddy. I then continue to the backyard and see that she's almost done with the tent. "Go put this in a plug nearest to the door," she hands me an extension cord, "and bring it out as far as it goes. It should be long enough, otherwise we'll move the tent a bit closer."

"What's it for?" I ask in my almost normal voice.

"This heater, in case you get cold," she literally sounds like she's about to cry, as she still doesn't look at me but points at a little portable heater she brought with her. Why does she even have all of this stuff, that's the real question here.

Again, I do as she asks and walk back to the house to find the nearest plug. It's not too far away from the door and when I pull the cord with me to the tent, it reaches it just fine.
Demi has in the meantime finished setting up the tent and laid out a sleeping bag for me inside. She then takes the extension cord out of my hand and plugs in the heater, also bringing it into the tent and setting it up. "If you're too hot you can just turn it off or pull out the plug if you're too drunk to figure out how to turn it off," I'm pretty sure I see a tiny tear roll down her cheek, but she's still not looking in my direction. "I'm taking it down before my run tomorrow morning, so you better be up cause I'm not playing this game with you. Have a good night and sleep well," she whispers, before running back inside and closing the door behind her.
I slowly make my way into the tent and zip it closed behind me. I can't believe she actually went through all this trouble to set up a tent for me. When she was giving me all the rules, she sounded so firm like she would do anything to keep to them. And in a way I was kinda hoping that she would really let me sleep in the street. Cause as much as I'm trying to become a troublesome person, I was hoping she'd really let me deal with the consequences of it and maybe that would somehow talk more sense into me. Cause I know I'm being weird, I know I'm being wrong, I know I'm being bad. But I need someone to show me that I don't have to be like this in order to believe it. Because when I try to tell myself that, I have too many arguments showing me that I do.
But by her letting me do things I shouldn't do, I can't stop myself. And the fact that it clearly hurt and bothered her, only shows me that my transformation is working. And it kills me.

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Next update: Sunday.

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