I'm home for Christmas, and Alfred and Aaron visit as well. The house is warm. Our fire is going, our Christmas tree is up, and we're wearing Christmas sweaters my Mum brought even though I think mine is incredibly hideous. There's something nice about how routine it all is at least. Mum whispered to Alfred about a girlfriend, and I can tell that he didn't invite her just because he didn't want to upset me. I wish he had wrote me a letter. I think it would've been fine. I hate that I am selfishly happy just to have us.

As I expected, I get my Christmas gift, which is three hundred pounds for me to spend at Hogsmeade. My brothers each give me a hundred as well. I've never had this much money to my name. Da pats me on the back when I hug him.

"Well, we don't spend much on you until your home for the summer," he scratches the back of his neck.

Money has never been abundant in my family. The private education I get at Hogwarts makes a different. With my older brothers out of the house too, my parents save money on food, clothing, and all the small things I'm sure I cost and don't even realize. Owning an owl isn't exactly cheap, but Mum seems to like companion.

"I need it," I smile. "I need more supplies. Professor Flitwick thinks I could do really well as an innovator."

"That's wonderful," Mum says as Da scoffs.

"You're going to do one of those magic jobs?" Alfred peeks over at me.

I nod, "I'll probably be in London so not far. They don't have unis. Lot of government jobs and specific training programs for different jobs."

"Suppose since you stopped learning math at eleven, you wouldn't be too good outside of school," he laughs.

I push him, "I learn arithmancy. Besides, I can speak Latin. Can you?"

"I don't speak any dead languages," Aaron rolls his eyes.

"Just because you don't hear anyone speak it doesn't mean it's dead," I return the gesture.

He throws a pillow at me. I wish I were already seventeen so I could spray him with water out of the tip of my wand. While technically illegal, I know that half-bloods like Anthony Goldstein and Seamus Finnegan have family who do magic in front of other family. It's not something aurors, obliviators, or the ministry even track.

"Where will that take you?" Alfred asks.

I shrug, "London, probably. I have an appointment with Professor Flitwick in the new year to chat about specifics."

"This Professor Flitwick seems to talk a bit too much," Da stands up and starts to head upstairs.

"He's the Head of my House," I tell him. "You know, I'm actually good at what I do, even if you don't understand it. I'm one of the best at charms, and I do well in ancient runes and history. My use of theory across displines is exemplar. The Headmaster of Hogwarts himself-"

My father's feet slams up the stairs as I speak. Mum puts a hand on my shoulder. I feel myself deflate.

"You know, he doesn't mean to upset you," Mum tells me.

"He just hates magic," I shake my head and pull out of her grip.

It's snowing, and cold, and I get to the back door. Snatching a blanket next to the door and a pair of shoes back here that are a bit too small, I head outside. The wind isn't so bad, but the cold is a wet one. I curl the blanket around me and sit down on the porch swing. It rocks back and forth.

Without magic here, I feel like a finger has been cut off. Things are a bit harder. I want to cast a charm to heat the blanket, or one to keep the snow from falling into my hair, or I want to show Da what I can do.

The back door creaks.

"He's the same with me, you know," Aaron pokes his head out. "Alfred too."

I look over at them and turn my head back. There isn't quite a world that understands me. My brothers even, sort of think they get it. They don't. Da is different with them because they're boys, and they also lived at home until the graduated, and that was nearly ten years ago.

"Not really," I say.

Alfred steps closer. He's got a bigger blanket, and he sits next to me, throwing it over both our laps.

"Da doesn't think you are stupid," Alfred says. "He wants you to take over the carpentry business. That's what Aaron means. He's given up on us, but he wants somebody to own it when he retires."

Aaron plops down on the other side of me. With his legs, he pushes the porch swing back. It tilts behind us and then forward again.

"Yeah, he's mental about it," Aaron agrees.

"When you talk about how much your professors are impressed and say you could make something, he takes it to mean that you think his business is not impressive or a skilled job," Alfred nods. "He's wrong. At least, I don't think you're trying to be mean."

"He's just an ass," I agree.

Aaron laughs, patting me on the back, "if Mum weren't so nice, I'd say a nursing home for them both."

This is nice. Neither of them has commented on it. Over the summer, we had just barely come to a stalemate. We haven't sat out here together in a while. Nearly two years, I reckon, if not that long. Soon enough though, we're going to have to go in. Alfred and I promised Mum we'd help her throw Christmas lunch together. Da's family is having dinner together. I hope he's in a better mood by then.

"So, what's up with the Headmaster?" Aaron asks.

I sigh, "it's complicated. He wants me to make something no one's ever made before."

"You can explain it barebones," Alfred nods.

Aaron pinches me and I smack him. He laughs, "that's for implying we are stupid."

So, I explain it to them, simply. The Sagum is designed to show people where their thoughts lie. That's easy enough since sometimes you can be mad for a reason you don't entirely understand. Like Da. Anyway, I skip over the runes and the charm work and just say I have to use it to find people who are thinking about me.

"I'd hate that," Aaron shivers from the thought and not the cold. "Sounds like it'd make me paranoid."

"Yes, well I've done it, but I can't get the range to extend beyond five metres. To be effective, I'd want at least a hundred," I shake my head. "I think it just needs more intention. As much as I'm good at theory, my practical work isn't very good."

"It's better than I think you give it credit," Alfred shakes his head.

Arguing with him would be too complicated. He doesn't know magic. He doesn't feel it. Maybe I should find some standing stones on a ley line and that'll help get it stronger. Maybe I need to see Ollivander, as if there was some mistake with the wand. It doesn't feel all too bonded to me. Everything feels like a constant detour from the Sagum.

"You do anything besides study up there?" Aaron asks.

I shrug. Draco. His name on my lips, his lips on mine. Yes, I feel like I do a million things. They don't get magic, and explaining wizard politics to them seems like it would take a thousand years. Draco and I agreed we aren't going to send each other letters over break. Likely, I can never send him a letter. Our families will never meet, not that I'm really desperate to meet Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, nor is he craving to meet my muggle parents and brothers.

It's not the kind of thing my family could understand. If they did understand it, I'd feel more and more shame.

"You're lying," Aaron decides. "You've surely got friends?"

"A few," I tell him. "Things are just... tense. Some people don't like people without magical parents. Things are getting tense."

Draco says He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has returned. Some people is an understatement or an oversimplification or something. Some people hate muggle-borns and enough are quiet. I don't see it spilling much over into the muggle world since the statute of secrecy prevents it, but these few years have been tense. Terry looks at me in a different way. History reflects off the pages of his book into his glasses. I can see his fear.

"No one's bothering you though?" Alfred asks.

My leg cracked like a ceramic doll. My entire body tightening and freezing. Green trees painted to look maple. Professors asking us if we feel safe. The basilisk roaming the halls at night. Goyle asking me what my muddy mouth does. Nott offering to fuck me on a carpet since I won't do much better. Draco silent among it all, not willing or entirely able to say something about it.

"Nah," I brush him off. "It'll pass."

~~~~~

Updates might slow down since I'm very busy but I will try to push through!