Regrets and loneliness creep into my brain like thieves looking to steal what happiness I have left. I let them. Alone and hopeless I sit on the floor blankly staring at the wall watching my memories play across it like a projection. I call out to others for strength to keep going, to walk away, to not take the easy way out. I begin to stand, but responsibilities and criticism pulls me back down like quicksand. I feel my friends standing beside me, guiding me down the right path, always there to support me. They become my inspiration and motivation to keep going.

I flop on the bed drained almost every day, looking to the window for comfort. The war inside my head begins again, for there is yet another demon waiting to swallow me in darkness. I near it, my own reflection stares back looking afraid. The darkness surrounds me, embracing me like a mother would with her newborn child.

It speaks to me:
"You tortured soul. Look what the world has done to you. They made you broken. They left you lifeless. You're now left alone with your thoughts as everyone carries on with their lives, never knowing what they put you through. You tried hard, you fought, you battled but things never got better. Your eyesight became clouded only seeing pain. The anger and hurt filled your ears and flowed like rivers to your brain mixing with your own ocean of tormenting pain. How can the broke fix the broken when they can’t even fix themselves?"

The darkness slowly subsides leaving me alone with my reflection which now stares at me with an emotionless expression. Its eyes showing a trapped girl pleading for help, hoping someone will hear her screams. Tears building in my eyes until they spill down my face like waterfalls. I quickly wipe away any evidence of my tears and paint on a smile. I stare back at my reflection.
   
"I'm fine," I say with a smile. The tortured girl inside begins to sob. She's kept prisoner in her own mind. She was once my happiness, the part of me that thrived to dance in the rain and laugh until we couldn't breathe. The part that loved and knew how to brighten people's day with only a smile. The part that now watches me suffer, unable to help. She's kept hidden away in the back of my mind where no one can hurt her like they used to. I'm now trapped beside her watching my life carry on without me. Nothing can get to me here. I’m shielded from any sort of pain that may try to reach me.
   
My past selves are lined up in the back of my mind silently looking ahead with dead eyes. Each with their own issues, their own scars, and their own deaths. Deaths caused by painful events in my past that now make me who I am. They make me stronger, they taught me life changing lessons, and lead me to where I am today. Yet today I still find myself hiding my true feelings and hiding in the darkness tuning out my sobs with music.

I can feel myself sinking, being taken over by my thoughts, controlled by the demons in my head. Constantly fighting to take back control of my life. Tears stream down my face filled with loneliness and sorrow. Drowning me in a pool of hate. Left behind by those who "would always be there.” I stop struggling and let go. Sinking into an abyss for what felt like days until I am greeted with the bottom. It is peaceful. There is no pain, no problems, no worrying, no people. I am completely and utterly alone. Only a numb tingly feeling lingers where my emotions once painted the world in front of me. I was comfortably alone accepting my fate. Laughter from above rang in my ears as life went on without me, I feel myself slipping into an eternal sleep.

I sleep to hide. Hide from others. Hide from my problems. Hide from myself. I don't have to live a life where I don't like me. Where I feel that everything I do is an embarrassment to myself and people constantly judge me. If I don’t like myself, why should others? If there is a way to find some relief, why shouldn't I take it? I can run away into my dreams, do the undoable and be the impossible. I find relief in the dreamworld, but even there the storm in my head seems to find me. Capturing me in ropes of lightning. Deafening me with roars of thunder. Leaving me to feel the painful tears of the clouds that wash over me.

 The sky cries tears of agony and built up rage, washing away all happiness and relief that once existed. Smashing through memories of towns and homes that once brought me peace. Destroying my life as I put others before me in an attempt to protect those I love. Those people are the only ones that have given me confidence, love, and comfort just by being around them. They are a part of me I never want to lose. If I lose them, I will be losing myself.

If I was a bridge, my parents would be the constructors who built me and fix me as needed, my friends would the support beams, the people walking on me would be life, and the water underneath would be death. Every bridge must fall, therefore every person must die. I can have all the fixes and the strongest support beams in the world, but one day death will come. It’s inevitable.

Who am I? I don’t really know anymore. At one point I could’ve given a straight answer with no problem. Now, I have no clue how to answer. There is so much going on inside my mind that I’ve slowly lost myself.