"What is that?"

Dean's eyes remained on you for only a few seconds before casting down. He cleared his throat as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He chewed on his lower lip as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to find the right words to say at the moment. But he really found none.

"That- That is- I- I am going to-" his voice was barely above a whisper and you could hear and see the struggle crystal clear. Well, truth was you were struggling to understand- hell even try to give a reason to what was on the chair at the moment.

"Dean, what the hell is that?!" you didn't realize how your voice rose dangerously so, the scream almost making your throat hurt.

Dean closed his eyes for a moment before he finally opened them and looked up to meet your own eyes. And that was the moment your heart dropped to your stomach. A gasp left your lips, even if he said not a single word you knew he didn't have to. It was the one thing you feared the most once Sam came back and it was really happening. He didn't even open his mouth to speak, you only stared at each other. You mostly angry and him completely broken.

It was the pieces you thought you had put together with your words, actions and above all love, little by little before and a lot more after Sam's death. But here he was, maybe worse than before. And this time you feared there was nothing you could do because he wouldn't let you even try.

"Mommy?" a low childlike voice was heard, breaking the heavy silence that had fallen between you and the older Winchester.

Your head snapped to the direction, almost like a reflex and you let out a shaky breath when you saw your daughter stand on the doorway, green eyes almost wide as she stared up at the both of you. Fear was written all over her beautiful baby face and you hated yourself for that.

"Mary no." Sam breathed out, just now seemingly having caught up with her – no wonder she had ran off and he couldn't keep up with her "Sweetheart, leave mommy and uncle- daddy Dean alone." he corrected himself "They need to talk about things you-"

"Why are you arguing?" she asked with a small whimper as she pulled her hand from Sam's grasp and walked towards you.

You gave Sam a small smile and he sighed, nodding his head with an apologetic smile. He looked at his brother who immediately averted his eyes from the younger Winchester and Sam frowned.

"We're not arguing, princess." you knelt down "Just go with daddy Sam, please? We have a conversation here and we're not-"

"What's that daddy?" she asked softly as she glanced at Dean but obviously noticed the one thing that had made you raise your voice.

This time Dean struggled even more because this time he actually had to say it. He had to utter the words, he had to say it for Mary to understand and that would make it all the more real. It was something that he didn't want to do but at the same time had to go through with. It would have been easier if he didn't have to face you but now he actually did and on top of it he had to explain this to Mary.

"That's- Sweetheart, that is- it's a duffel bag." he breathed out the word, a little shakily you realized and you bit the inside of your cheek hard to keep yourself from snapping at him.

"Why- why do you have it?" she asked, frowning sadly as she fidgeted with her dress.

"Yeah Dean-" you said through gritted teeth "Why do you have it?" yes you were pissed at him, not just because he was leaving you but because he had not told you a single thing before you saw the bag. Sure he wasn't trying to hide it, obviously, but he had been hiding his feelings at Sam's return so that was just as bad. You'd say everything to each other, literally everything. You had a kind of relationship with the older Winchester that most people would usually only dream about but now... it seemed to be over. Or at least this seemed to be the beginning of the end.

He looked up at you, his lips parting. He ended up shaking his head and clearing his throat he blinked and looked down for a moment. He didn't say a word though and you scoffed loudly, shaking your head. You looked at Sam and he gave you a sympathetic look upon seeing your own eyes glisten with unshed tears.

"Daddy?" Mary whispered and as soon as she took a step forward and closer to him you took hold of her hand and stopped her. Dean took notice and only clenched his fists, fighting his own feelings.

But he didn't say a word, not until-

"Dean?" it was Sam's voice, a hint of anger in it – especially at seeing your watery eyes and distressed look – but mostly guilt and sadness. Dean looked at his brother, giving him a half smile that showed how broken he really was.

"Sorry Sammy" he said in a rough voice "About everything." he added, shrugging tiredly before his eyes went to Mary "I didn't mean for it to happen this way." he whispered, still actually speaking to Sam.

"Dad?" Mary whispered, giving him a worried look and Dean sighed, running a hand down his face.

"I'm leaving, sweetheart." he breathed out and you could hear how his voice sounded full of regret.

"And where are you going?" she asked in an innocent voice, holding onto your jeans.

"I- I don't know, little one." he tried to offer her a smile, he didn't want her to realize how serious the situation really was "I haven't figured that out yet."

"Can I- can I come with you?" she asked full of hope and you saw how Dean's brows furrowed in heartbreak. The mere way her little childlike voice was asking him the question broke your own heart, you couldn't even imagine what he'd feel. She loved him too much, telling her that she was probably never going to see him again would possibly break her. And for that you hated him at the moment.

"I'm sorry, princess." he tried to give her a smile but it didn't even reach his eyes "You- you can't come with me."

"Not even for a little while?" she whispered and you shut your eyes, turning your head to the side. The mere way she asked those questions broke your heart into a milion pieces. That was what you wanted to avoid all along, your daughter being hurt. And just as you thought that Sam telling her the truth would make her entire world crumble down it wasn't him that brought about all this pain. It was actually the man that you swore would rather give his own life than make the little girl he raised as his own tear up.

"I'm sorry, princess. But you- you can't. You have to stay with mommy and-" he glanced at Sam, his mouth going dry as his eyes stinging with unshed tears "daddy at home." he spoke as softly as he could to the little girl.

"A-Alright." she nodded her small head "But- but-" she looked up at you, at Sam and then again at him 釘ut you are going to come back soon, right? We- we have that trip to-

"Mary" you said softly yet in a motherly tone that made her trail off. She looked up at you with a small pout and an apologetic look before looking down.

"I- I don't know if I'll make it, sweetheart." he said in a hoarse voice and you saw his eyes had begun getting red.

"And-" her voice was really low, almost like a squeak "And when are you coming back?" she asked and part of you really wanted to know the answer but the same part of you really feared to hear it.

"I- I-" his voice trembled as he forced his eyes away from Mary, only glancing at you for a second because the glare you had on seemed to be too much for him to handle.

He was forcing himself to be void, maybe he was already feeling numb from seeing the tears in both yours and Mary's eyes. He saw that even if you had a hard look on that you were hurting, you were just willing yourself to be angry at him instead of betrayed. Not that you could help it.

"I don't know princess." he breathed out, his voice cracking in the end so he cleared his throat and only looked at Sam for a good few minutes. Sam who had a dissaproving look on his face that had a hint of anger in it.

"When you will be back?" she asked with a tilt of her head and clenched your jaw.

"Or if you will be back." you growled and Dean let out a shaky breath.

"(Y/n)" he pleaded for you with his eyes, taking a step closer to you and you immediately backed away. His eyes widened and his lips fell apart but he swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded just slightly.

"No" you hissed, pursing your lips "No, you have made your decision and I can't change that, can I?" you shrugged "There is no (Y/n), now. And since you seem to want it- there is no Mary either." you knew you would reget your words really bad really soon but at the moment you were furious. He was bailing on you, what else could you feel besides betrayed?

"What?" he breathed out, an almost angry but mostly scared look on his face.

"(Y/n)" Sam said in a calm but warning voice tone.

"(Y/n) what are you talking about?" Dean looked at you dangerously, his jaw clenching.

"Just what do you think?" you asked, taking a deep breath and raising an eyebrow. You wanted to look confident but your glossy eyes told a different story.

"You chose this, Dean Winchester. You did this- you've brought this to us." you growled motioned between the four of you "You don't get to ask me why or how. It is all because of you. You want out? Fine then, fine! You can have your freedom. You can have whatever kind of life you want for whatever reason you want to, I don't give a single fu-" you bit down hard on your lip, shaking your head as you felt a new wave of tears rush to you.

"You want out? You'll have it." you breathed out "But don't expect us to be here and waiting when you regret all of it. You can leave but once you step foot out of this house you will have no right to come back ever again."

"(Y/n)-" he stared, his eyes widening in fear as, obviously and finally, realization started setting on him. He had not expected this, not even planned about this but that was what he was going to take in the end. He asked for it after all.

"No" you hissed "You chose this, now you have to deal with the consequences. If you want to leave then the door is right there for you. But forget me and above all forget Mary, you are not going to see her ever again." you growled and you knew that probably part of you was going to regret this real bad but at the moment you were a mess of emotions. You were angry, pissed beyond belief and at the same time hurt and heartbroken that the man you loved more than you ever thought you would could do something like this to you.

"What?" his voice was firm, not a hoarse weak whisper as before and you could see him get slightly angry.

"Just what you heard." you pursed your lips, cursing at yourself on the inside when a tear slipped from your eye and you wiped it away furiously "You are never going to see her again.

"You- you are going to keep me away from her?!" he almost roared and you took in a shaky breath.

"I'm not keeping you away, Dean. You are staying away. You wanted to leave? Well, just go ahead I am not going to stop you, I have a family to think about. A family in which you obviously don't belong." you never thought there would come a day when you'd utter these words but you weren't just angry with him, you couldn't even feel anything actually. It was almost like there was a hole inside your chest.

"(Y/n)" Sam's voice was almost strict, as if he was trying to make you realize the mistake you were about to make. But you knew that even if it hurt Mary at first it would be less bad than what could possibly come in any other occasion.

"No Sam." you pursed your lips "No, he chose this he'll have it." your head snapped to Dean "You want to sacrifice what we feel- what you feel and what we have for her and Sam's happiness? Well there you go, here you have it Dean!" you growled as Dean looked at you almost in horror.

You took hold of Mary's hand, sniffling and clearing your throat that felt sore "Come on sweetheart, let's leave him to gather all of his things."

"Wh-what?" Mary's voice was shaky and you forced yourself to keep the tears in "But- but daddy-"

"He's not your dad Mary." you knew it was the harshest thing you could say, to both Dean and Mary but again you couldn't feel a single thing at the moment to think about that.

"But- but you said-" she blinked, looking from you to Dean and vice versa.

"(Y/n)" Dean's voice was hoarse "What are you saying?" he breathed out and when you looked at him you knew that you had never seen him that hurt or terrified.

"The truth, Dean." you swallowed the lump in your throat "The truth."

You sniffled and looked down at Mary "Come on, baby." you mumbled, picking her up.

"Can I at least hug daddy before he leaves?" she asked hesitantly and although in any other occasion you would have broken from the tone of her voice this time you stilled yourself. She's always give him goodbye hugs before he went away for a few days. Sure it wasn't hunting exactly but- you could never really stay away from it when Jody needed help he couldn't say no, much less when she or any other hunter friend was in danger.

"No, Mary. No." you breathed out, hugging her to yourself and she gave you a small shy nod before looking at Dean.

"Alright." she said in a tiny voice before looking at Dean who only stood there with red eyes. She was ready to tell him something but before she had the chance to say something you were out of the room, not looking at any of the Winchester brothers.

"Sammy" Dean's voice for the first time really cracked as he looked helplessly at his little brother. He wasn't one to break, especially when others needed him to be strong for them – above all Sam and you – but at the moment he felt like he had just been stabbed and a cold feeling was spreading through his body. It was familiar, it was... death? No, he was alive but-why did he feel like it then?

"I- I'll talk to her Dean, she's just- she's angry, she'll get over this. She won't keep you away from Mary, she knows how much you love her and she knows how much you mean to her." Sam said, he too aching at seeing his older brother like this. Maybe feeling guilty too.

"Yeah, right." Dean only breathed out, voice raspy as he stared at the framed picture he had on his nightstand of the three of you, just a few months after Mary's birth. A tear rolled down his cheek and he didn't even have the strength to wipe it away because he knew he couldn't blame you, he was the one responsible. This time Dean had screwed up majorly and he knew it.

~*~

You held onto Mary for you didn't know how long. You were laying on the couch you had in her room with her on top of you fast asleep. You didn't know much time had passed, it seemed as both hours and only a few minutes at the same time. Dean's as well as your words kept running through your mind, along with every possible thing you could have said and done. You didn't usually fight so you had not gone through this many times but then again this was completely different from any other time. This was... the end?

You felt your heart drop to your stomach and yourself struggle to breath as you thought about that. You shut your eyes closed and tightened your hold on Mary just slightly. You had been looking over at her as she slowly fell asleep, almost every memory you had with her and Dean running through your mind.

You got up carefully, your eyes feeling dry as your mouth and throat. Were you still even feeling a thing? You carried her carefully to her bed, no wonder she had gotten tired and it was her time for a midday sleep. You felt her stirr in your hands and when you looked closely her yes opened slightly to reveal her green orbs. You hushed her softly, despite the smallw hine that left her lips. You pulled the blankets over her, kissing her forehead gently and tucking a few strands of hair out of her face. You whispered for aher to go back to sleep and with a small nod she closed her eyes again. You heard footstep behind you but you didn't have to turn to know who it was. Maybe you had come to tell them apart even by their walking.

"He left." Sam's voice broke the silence and you closed your eyes for a moment.

You opened them and shook your head, letting out a humorless laugh "Of course he did."

"(Y/n), what you told him about Mary- please tell me you didn't mean it." he whispered and you bit the inside of your cheek.

"No, Sam. I meant every word I said. He chose this, he has to deal with the consequences." you said sternly but still in a low voice to not wake up your daughter.

"You know that by forbidding him to see Mary he- he has to stay away from you as well." he said taking a few steps closer to you.

"Exactly." you said sternly.

"(Y/n) come on." he breathed out "You won't really do this to him. Just think about him, think about Mary... think about yourself. You know you're going to hurt the most from this."

"I know." you pursed your lips, surprisingly not flinching away when he placed a hand on your shoulder "But he did this Sam. He did this to us and it wasn't just your arrival, we know it. Mary was already taking it well, but he bailed on me. There is nothing to talk about here and please-" you stood up, turning to face him "Don't bring it up ever again. Dean's dead to me, more than you were the past four years." bumping shoulders with him you left Mary's room for fear of raising your voice and waking her up, because you were just on the verge of that.

Sam could only let out a sigh as he looked at the door before turning to his daughter that was sleeping soundly in her bed. He knelt down by her side and patted her head softly. He smiled as he leaned down to kiss the top of her head, his smile only growing as he heard her whisper the faint word "Dad"... only for a moment he wonder who she was really referingto.

~*~

"You know-" Sam started as he walked into the kitchen, seeing you only hold a cup of coffee sitting on a chair and staring at it "-you will break down at some point."

"I've fought the devil himself and his aunt. I think I can take pretty much everything." you gave him a tight fake smile and he shook his head, sitting right in front of you.

"Yeah but you haven't had a daughter then that needed her father." he said softly and you looked at him dead serious in the eyes.

"Mary has her father. And he is standing right in front of me. There's nothing else she'll need." you said firmly before taking a sip of your coffee. It was the only thing that was at hands reach.

"Although I am going to do my best to make up for the lost time and- and I am really happy to know she doesn't entirely hate me-"

"She loves you Sam, she already loves you very much." you cut him off, saying in a low voice.

He smiled "I know, and I'm still trying to believe that myself but-" he cleared his throat "She needs Dean as well, (Y/n). She loves him too, maybe, and I hate to admit this, but more than me." he gave you a mall smile "She needs him ,(Y/n). She needs him here."

"Well too bad-" you gave him a hard look "Because he left her. He was a coward that didn't think things through and now he has to deal with that. And Mary- she'll slowly learn to love you more than him. She'll grow to love you as she already has more than any of us I know it."

"And what about you (Y/n)?" Sam asked, without waiting a second and catching you off guard. He didn't seem mad, angry or anything. Only curious and worried about you and Mary, not what you'd expected when you had told him just the previous day that you were in a relationship with his brother. Were, yeah the correct sentence.

"What do you mean?" you raised an eyebrow but still tried to avoid eye-contact.

He didn't say a thing for a moment, only offered you a smile and tilted his head to the side "Don't you know?"

"No, Sam I don't. You're the one that brought it up." you mumbled a little sharply, turning to place your mug on the sink.

"(Y/n)" you heard movement and before you could turn, felt a hand on your shoulder "You love him." it wasn't a question, it was a statement. Something that Sam, your dead now alive boyfriend, realized about you and his own brother.

"So what?" your voice you wanted to sound angry but only came out as a weak whisper.

"(Y/n)" he let out a chuckle that was laced with pain "Don't lie to me, there is no point in that. I know you better than anyone, baby." he whispered, resting his forehead on the back of your head "And I know this look better than anyone." he whispered into your hair and you closed your eyes, fighting back the tears.

"You're already hurting." he said in a low rough voice, nuzzling his face now in the crook of your neck "And it's killing me too." he added in such a low voice you would have not heard if he wasn't so close.

"Well don't." you took in a deep breath "I'm not hurting Sam. I'm just too worried about what can happen to Mary but-but I myself am not hurting. In fact... I can't feel a single damn thing, so you don't have to worry." you gave him a tired shrug and Sam's hold on your waist tightened as he gave you a squeeze.

"That I can almost believe. But it's not because you really don't feel. It's because all of your emotions are a mess at the moment and you're so numb on the inside it almost feels like there is a hole in your chest. A hole that makes you feel almost cold and without him here, to hold you and... kiss you and love you that hole will get bigger." he gave you a small squeeze and you kept your eyes shut to fight the tears. You could hear his voice cracking with every word he uttered.

"It will keep getting bigger, and you can't do anything to fight it back. Trust me... I've tried." the sorrow and heartbreak that laced his voice made you, despite your best tries, let a tear roll down your eyes. You had been so selfish, thinking about Mary and Dean only, not realizing how Sam must have really had to go through so much. For a moment you thought how his eyes looked darker than the moment you first saw him when you opened the door and youstartedwondering how much sleep he actually got, if he got any whatsoever.

"Sam" your voice came out in a small whimper and you felt his take a deep breath.

"It's alright, I'm alright. I'm not mad or anything about it, I swear." he breathed out "I just- I can't stand to watch you like this, (Y/n). For a moment I wished- I hoped that if I couldn't make you happy anymore that at least he would but- now watching this-"

"I'm alright Sam." you cut him off, biting hard on your lower lip to keep yourself from sobbing. You couldn't even say a few words before feeling like you wanted to break down in his arms.

"No, no you're not." he whispered, a small sad smile on his lips "And we both know it. But it's alright to admit it, (Y/n). It's alright to let it all out, you need to. If you keep it inside it will just eat you up and you can't let that happen. You have to bestrong for Mary, yes, but you have to be strong for yourself too. You owe it to you, (Y/n). I know that what he did- it hurt you. It hurt you beyond belief but-" he sighed bringing his arms higher and wrapping them around your shoulders, your hands instinctively being placed on his arms like you'd always do in the past. It was almost an instinct, it happened without your realizing it.

"But once you have to let it out now. Cry, scream, punch something, yell at me for coming back and ruining everything-" he breathed out a small laugh but you clenched your jaw and abruptly turned to face him.

"It's not your fault." you said sternly "Do you hear me? It's not your fucking fault, don't you ever say it."

He let out a small sigh, looking down as he took hold of your hands "Thank you, I'm- it's a relief to know you don't think that but-" he looked deep in your already slightly red eyes "-But you are fighting something you can't this time, baby." he said tenderly and you bit hard on yoru lower lip.

"I need to Sam." you choked on a sob "My daughter- she- she needs me." you whimpered softly and squeezed your hands.

"Just let it out, baby." he whispered "Don't keep it inside, you need to just let it out. Don't bottle it up, it will be so much worse. For you to be strong for Mary you need to let yourself feel the pain now. You will be stronger later and- and have a clear mind to think. There are a lot of decisions to make still." he spoke in a soft voice, resting his chin on top of your head.

"Sam I- I told you I'm-"

"(Y/n) you are in love with him." boy could you hear the struggle in his voice "And he left, it's completely ok to not be ok."

"He-" you choked, closing your eyes "He didn't say a word, Sam. He didn't tell me a thing before-" you couldn't take it anymore as your body started shaking uncontrollably and sobs left your lips. Your knees almost gave away and you would have met the floor if it wasn't for Sam's firm grip on you. The tears started streaming down your face and you could feel the taste of blood in your mouth due to how hard you were biting on your lower trembling lip.

You clenched Sam's flannel in your fists, his familiar scent invading you as you buried your face in his chest. His shirt started getting wet with your tears but you couldn't even utter an apology as you practically crumbled in his arms. Your entire body was rocking with sobs and you felt a few tears on your shoulder but didn't have the strength to question him. Sam's arms wrapped around you, holding onto you as if he didn't want to let you go and you were holding onto him like you held onto dear life at the moment.

You felt like you had just been stabbed all over again, someone twisting the knife painfully in your chest. It wasn't just the cold feeling, it wasn't the emptiness it was just what Sam said. Alll kinds of emotions of abandonment washed over you, making you feel almost like the day you lost Sam. Dean wasn't dead, yeah, but that didnt make it any less hard. There was only one thing that you could think about, only one thing that you could utter.

"He left me, Sam. He left me." you whispered with a broken sob, your breathing uneven.

You had been trying to be strong for longer than you could. You had fought the tears, especially with Mary in your arms. You had even tried to put a smile on your face even if it felt like curling into a ball and crying all the time. But this seemed to be your breaking point. You couldn't keep pretending to be strong, because you knew you weren't; not without Dean.

~*~

"But why can't I stay with mommy?" you heard your daughter's voice ask just a few feet away, but at least outside the living room to not see the state you were in. Your eyes were red and you only stared at the wall in front of you with a glass of whiskey in your hand.

"Sweetheart it's too late now, it's time for you to sleep." Sam's voice was gentle and had such a fatherly hint in it it almost made you smile "And mommy's too tired to talk right now."

"Is it- Is it about daddy Dean?" you heard her unsure voice and you shut your eyes, trying to hold back the tears at the mere mention of the name. How were you going to ever get over this really? Mary didn't begin to realize the gravity ofthe situation but you – even if a great part of you regretted it already – were willing to keep going with what you had first said.

"Sweetheart-" you heard Sam let a sad sigh "Don't stress yourself with this, yeah? It's- it's not your fault, either so don't think about it please. It's between mommy and daddy Dean, they have to solve this together." you could only imagine how hard this must have been for Sam yet he was putting it all aside, betrayal or not he put Mary first and not his feelings "This is- it's adult stuff and you know what that is?" he got a playful tone "Booooring." he dragged the word and not a second later you heard her let out a giggle.

"But- but they will make up right? They have fought before but- but daddy never shouts at mommy and this time he-" her small childlike voice was full of worry and you hated yourself for being partly the reason to that.

"They will be alright, princess don't worry yourself about that. You're far too young and can't understand. Adults tend to make things a little too complicated, that's all."

"But- but she loves him, doesn't she?" Mary seemed to ask the most simple question to her, and in reality it was, but for you and even more Sam it was the hardest question to answer. He had come to accept it, not fully yet either, but to keep saying it out loud? That was not something he could keepdoing for long, no, you knew it. You knew you should get up and interrupt them, keep her from asking more but at the same time your body would not cooperate.

"Yes sweetheart." you could hear his voice was strained but above all full of pain and you hated yourself more for that "Mommy loves daddy Dean. She loves him a lot." you could hear how much he was hurting and without realizing it a tear slid down your cheek.

"So- so daddy will- he will be back again soon, right?" she asked in a low unsure voice.

"I don't know what to tell you for sure, anymore sweetheart but for now- we need to focus on mommy, ok? She- she's not alright, and not herself now. And she needs you, she'll need all your love and I know that maybe she can't see but I can so I will ask you one thing: can you be strong for her?"

"I can- I will daddy!" she was fast to exclaim, courage in her voice.

"I know you're a brave girl, pumpkin. You're a Winchester, we have it in us and you- you seem to have taken after both your mother and my own. Yes, I'll need you to be strong for mommy from now on. Smile at her and tell her how you feel as often as you can, can you do that?"

"Yes, yes I can." there was seriousness in her voice you wouldn't expect from a child her age "I love mommy."

"I know baby, I know." the smile could be heard in his voice

"But- but can I not help her with something else?" your daughter asked hopefully.

"At this moment no princess but how about this: tomorrow morning we make sure to wake up really early and make mommy's favorite breakfast, yeah? It will definitely lift her spirits."

"Yes yes!" she jumped up and down and you heard Sam chuckle "She makes cookies for me when I am sad too. Daddy Dean- he would bring me pie when I was sad too." she added the last part in a low voice.

"I bet he did." Sam's smile could be heard in his words "Tell you a secret: he'd bring me my favorite snacks when I wasn't feeling well when I was a kid too. He was always an amazing brother... and a father." Sam ended up whispering and you smiled sadly to yourself. He cleared his throat "However, just keep in mind that for us to be able to get up early you have to also sleep early. Which means we need you to get to bed riiiiight now!" he said and you soon heard squeals.

"Daddy!" her giggles and laughter filled the entire house and maybe even if it seemed to weird on your lips you smiled honestly.

"What? I am just helping my little princess get to her chambers as she rightfully should. May I help you change and get ready your highness?" he asked and you heard Mary giggle.

"Yes daddy yes!" to say you were surprised to hear her let someone else put her to sleep besides Dean was beyond belief "Can you read me a bedtime story too?"

"Absolutely, my lady!" he said and you let out a soft chuckle without even realizing it.

You closed your eyes, hoping that now that you felt slightly at peace your headache would subdue even a little bit. Maybe the alcohol wouldn't help that much but you weren't willing to let it down at the moment.

"Daddy?" Mary asked in a low voice that you couldn't actually hear "Can I ask you something?"

"Absolutely, baby. What?" he kissed her cheek as she wrapped her tiny arms around him.

"Will- will you ask daddy Dean to come back?"

"Princess, I'll do my best to bring daddy back." Sam breathed out, looking at her in the eyes and speaking honestly even if on the inside he felt all sorts of things he willed himself to focus on the ones that had to do with only his daughter's happiness "I can't be sure if- if he will want to or if your mommy will let him but- but I will do my best to bring him back."

"Do you promise?" she stuck out her pinky and Sam had never smiled more widely in his life before.

"I promise." he chuckled and did the same.

For a good few minutes you sat on the couch, eyes held open as you stared at your drink. You felt your throat burn and at the same time feel dry as your eyes stung with unshed tears- did you even have any more left? You could hear Sam and Mary upstairs and you occasionally did smile when you heard your daughter laugh. You didn't know what else Sam had told her but you didn't care, she was all you cared about and as long as she was happy then you were willing to keep going. Even if it meant that you were breaking apart minute by minute.

You felt the couch dip next to you but you didn't react. You only blinked when you felt a hand take the glass from you. You let a small whine, closing your eyes tiredly "Sam" you said in a hoarse voice, pleading with him.

"No more drinking." he said softly and you sighed heavily "You've had enough."

And he had not uttered another word before it all became a blur. You didn't know how many drinks you had, you were sure that at least half the bottle was gone, but you didn't know if it was enough for you to get drunk or not. What you were sure about at least was the fact that you didn't know what words were leaving your lips at the moment and that everything was based on pure instinct, on things that you felt.

It had been a long while since you last got drunk, the last one being when you discovered how you felt about the older Winchester and the truth was too much for you to take, so you didn't really know how to control yourself. You heard yourself say things to Sam and you heard him speak back. You felt him move and you felt yourself do even more, getting closer to him. You couldn't even comprehend what you were doing, it was both a need and longing for something you had missed but didn't know what it really was.

It all happened both too fast and too slow. You were in a haze, not understanding anything yourself, and only acted on your feelings; your body had a mind of its own and you didn't know what could be the reason that lead to all of this. You didn't even realize when it happened but you knew that the result was one and not changing:

Your body was flushed to Sam's, you were cupping his face and your lips had just collided with his.