"I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be accurate, how do you spell your name again?" - Anonymous

************

At school I was, once again, completely lost. I was back in my trance.

Stupid, idiotic, fat Aiden!

Uurgh!!

Duck you all!!

Gawd. I can't even rid my frustration. I suck at everything. But I'm pretty sure that if he was alive, I'd probably have killed him with my own bare hands.

Sighs.

Who am I even kidding?

I can keep trying to deny but I know that under all this frustration is an insecure little girl whose distressed by everything reality entails. There was this guy who said something like, "Reality continues to ruin my life."

I can relate bro. I can relate.

I can't help but feel like I'm stuck in this deep, darkened pit, similar to that dream, but no one can reach me. No one can feel me. No one can help me. No one even knows I'm there. Well, Arissa kinda does, but does she really? And for how long?

I look up from my lap to see kids pouring in for class. The sad part is that even though there are many of them, not even a single one could help me. No, not even a single one would help me.

The thought makes me sigh a helpless sigh. Who in there right mind would want to take me out of this fuqtardness?

"May I?"

"Hmph?" I look up to see a bright Ethan, radiating serenity. If that's even possible.

"May I sit here with you?" He repeats.

I keep staring at him, stupefied with a partly open mouth. And then remember that I have to give a reply.

"Sure."

Oh what was I thinking? How can I be that stupid?

By being stupid, stupid!

<><><><><>

The next few classes went on pretty smoothly. Probably because of Ethan. The calmness he had sprinkled on me worked, tho for a short while, but it did work nevertheless. However, whatever it was, it's wearing off now and I need it. I need it bad.

You're wierd.

Like I don't know.

And I roll my eyes to myself.

It's lunch time, but contrary to the usual, I'm not really enthusiastic about it. Because of tish that's been piling up for a while now and and then yesterday and all. I feel like I'm just gonna break. One more crack and I'm gone.

Gawwd please don't let that happen.

Or maybe, I want to let it happen.

I take my time to carry myself to the lunch area and then to our usual table. I don't think I've ever wished for an 'eject life' button this desperately before. Zoe and Amelia are already there at the table. I can tell.

"Oh, Rose! You're late today."

How much I wanted retort to goody good Amelia with a "Oh, I could never tell!" But I refrain. I sigh. That'd be too much of an effort, and quite rude too. I try to pretend that I didn't hear her say that. Maybe if I completely ignore them, they'd forget about it too.

And thankfully they do.

But I don't feel any better.

I sigh once again before turning to the girls and hear Amelia saying something from their previous conversation.

"So what do you say? Should I do it on him?"

"Sure, why not?" Zoey replies, seemingly uninterested.

If I'm stuck here, I might as well join 'em and better yet successfully distract my mind.

"Who's 'him'?"

She looked more than happy to tell me, "Well, my creative writing teacher asked us to write on something mysterious and interesting related to our school in some way, and I just had the best idea. I'm gonna do it on our ex-music teacher slash ex-counsellor Mr. Aiden!"

The who?

She couldn't possibly mean him, could she?

Amelia read my face. Well, more like misread and tried to get the point through to me. "Don't you remember Rose? Mr. Aiden Parker, our previous music teacher who, out of the blue, suicided about an year ago.." (~ha ha ha. U didn't see that coming, did ya?~)

How can she?

No. No. This cannot not be happening.

Calm down. DO NOT show strong emotions Rose. DO NOT give out anything you'll regret.

And when Amelia still doesn't stop talking about him, I speak up cause I have to. I just have to.

"Stop it Amelia!"

They both look at me, enthralled by my sudden burst like I grew another head. So much for being calm, eh?

"Why are you being like this Rose?"

Oh, I'll tell you why alright!! DON'T. I say don't let your emotions take over!

I feel like my whole body is shaking due to bursts of all these intense emotions. But it's not. It's all on the inside. My mind is rushing with billions of thoughts. I am thinking before even getting to the thinking part. Which isn't helping in the speaking part.

"I mean how can you? Don't you guys have any feelings or anything? How can you subject anyone's personal matters like that?" This is unbelievable! "What do you even know!?"

"It's just an essay by the way," Zoe oh so kindly gives her opinion.

"You're being overtly dramatic Rose." Hah! Says the girl who's the definition of dramatic "I plan on doing this and I really cannot understand your whatever sick reasons they are, for opposing me."

That's it. I can't stand this. Can't do this no more. I've got to leave before I raise anymore indication. That and if I stayed any longer I'd be giving her an excuse for a nose job. With that I pick up my sandwich and start getting the hell out of here with wobbly legs, albeit trying not to break down in front of everyone.

~M