You were fire...

But you were also ice at the same time.

It always amazed me...how quickly you were willing to help others. All while causing your own self destruction.

Pff.

You were selfless, but as selfish as they come.

Sure you would always lend a helping hand, but you couldn't deny that deep down you wanted...no, needed something in return.

Maybe it was friendship...love?

Something—anything that could fill the growing void inside you.

But you never received either did you?

Disappointment became an all too familiar feeling.

It's main source coming from the empty promises made by family members.

Empty promises that you fell for.

Every time.

Maybe you enjoyed suffering after all.

You isolated yourself.

At school...at home.

You told yourself that you didn't need a lot of people around you, but deep down that was what you craved the most...wasn't it?

The security of friendship.

The love.

The warmth.

The support.

All of which you didn't have.

Those feelings...granted they weren't too unfamiliar to you, having been given enough love from your mother and younger sister, but it just wasn't enough for you...was it?

You were still scared.

Still afraid.

You allowed fear to influence your decisions. To dictate your life for the most part.

For the thought of being left alone in the dark hole you were rapidly falling into was enough to cripple you emotionally.

The fear of being left.

Of never being worthy of all the things you craved for...day and night, for years.

That same fear was isolating you from your family and what little friends you had managed to make.

Depression.

After a while you could say it became your only friend.

Sometimes it would cling to you throughout the entire day; other times it would visit you at random.

And you...you would always welcome it with open arms.

For it was easier to feed the negative thoughts at the back of mind...than to conjure up positive ones.

Especially when times got tough...or should I say tougher.

...you always used your past as an excuse to wallow in sadness. Never trying to pick yourself up.

Always waiting for someone to come and save you.

As you had done for countless others.

But who would be willing to save a girl who preferred to be by herself at all times?

Congratulations.

Your façade fooled everyone.

How does it feel to be victorious for once?

But could this really be called a victory?

As it was, you were dying on the inside and there was no one to save you, because to everyone else...you were fine.

You were perfectly content with your life.

You enjoyed being alone.

You didn't need anyone else.

The few friends that you had were enough.

Are enough.

And will always be enough.

You didn't need saving.

You had it all together.

All planned out.

YOU. WERE. FINE.

But you just needed one person, didn't you?

Just one person to look pass your illusion and tell you that it's okay not to be okay.

That it's okay to feel sad.

Okay to lean on others.

Okay to want friends.

Okay to cry.

Okay to be unsure of what steps to take next.

Okay to make mistakes.

Okay to ask for help.

IT'S OKAY.

You're not alone...

You can do it.

You'll be okay.

You don't have to give in to this disgusting feeling that's eating you alive day in and day out.

You don't have to sit around and suffer quietly either.

Don't let it take control of what's left of your life.

Don't let it suck all the fun out of you.

You love to read. So read.

You love to write. So write.

You love to laugh...so laugh.

And enjoy every waking moment of it.

Don't let it win.

Stop crying yourself to sleep and waking up feeling half dead with puffy eyes.

Stop feeling so tired during the day.

Too tired to even enjoy the little things that used to make you so happy.

Stop pretending to be okay...when you're not.

Don't ever feel sorry for yourself and learn to face this life head on.

Because you know what, it's your life and you have to live it.

And what's even more beautiful than that, is the fact that you're alive.

You're alive sweetie.

So start acting like it.

Start enjoying life and living it to the fullest.

You only get one life.

Don't waste yours by giving in to depression.

It's okay to be worried about the future, it's perfectly fine. Just don't let that fear and worry get the best of you.

You are loved by a lot more people than you think.

So stop feeling so alone.

And if you want more friends, go out and actually talk to people.

They aren't all as bad as you think...

You won't be left out.

You will be loved.

Social anxiety can only hold you back for so long. Stop making it an excuse and make friends.

Share all the love you've been keeping locked up inside you.

Love freely.

And love hard.

You can do it.

And don't be too hard on yourself either.

Baby steps.

After all you did manage to survive another year.

You've managed to keep fighting that relentless feeling of hopelessness that not many people can relate to.

I'm proud of you.

You're alive.

And now...

You're 19.

_____

If you stumbled upon this and actually read it, you'd have realized that it's not a story nor one-shot. It's actually my birthday gift to myself.

Ever since I admitted to having depression I've been getting advice from a lot of people, but I've never really sat and had a talk with myself before. I've never tried to really cheer myself up before...always waiting for someone to save me I guess. But no more.

I'm tired of depending on others. I've realized that this is my problem, it's my fight and I'm going to have to face it head on. There won't always be someone there for me to run to, so starting now I want to be my own hero.

I want to enjoy all the things that I used to love. I want to laugh and not worry about the moment ending.

I want to live.

I've made it this far and I'd be damned if I just decide to give up.

I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm 19 and I'm alive.

[HAPPY BIRTHDAY]