The car jerked to a stop in front of the curb. I stared out the window, and even though I was facing the nerver ending road, I could tell by the scenery around us that I was back home. The engine went silent as Austin turned around in his seat, facing me. It was dark, still barely four in the morning, so the only source of light was from the streetlamps lining the sidewalks. Even so, I could still make out the worry etched on his face.

"Thank you." I muttered, not sure of what else to say. I silentely, yet quickly, got out of the car and shut the door behind me. I made my way around the back and to the drivers side window. I stepped on to the sidewalk and leaned over to where the glass was rolled down.

He knew it all. I couldn't hide it from him anymore, and I couldn't keep denying the truth to myself. As much as I dreaded the thought of doing so, I had to talk with Austin about all of this. He knew the basics, but I didn't want him jumping to any conclusions in his head, whatever they may be. Right now, he only saw the horror of the situation, and I needed him to understand that there is so much more to it than just the abuse. That's Alan and I's relationship isn't all bad. 

He turned to face me, the streetlights illuminating his features. "Can we, uhm, talk about all this?" I asked nervously. I wasn't sure how to bring it up, so I figured I'd just come straight out and say it. I knew this had to be done.

"Sure." He said and gave me a sad smile. My heart sunk more knowing I made him feel this way. I hated to burden people. "When?"

I remembered Alan saying that he was helping out down at the music store again today, so he would be out of the house. I was still a bit nervous, looking back at the last time I went out somewhere without telling Alan, but this gave me the perfect oppurtunity to talk with Austin. I mean, after all of this, hopefully I wouldn't have to be sneaking around anymore. Even though this is only my second time doing so, and not even for an unfaithful reason.

I leaned back, away from the car, shoving my hands into my empy pockets. "Sometime this afternoon, like one o'clock?" I shrugged, suggesting the idea.

"Okay." He said quietly. I wondered what he thought I wanted to talk about, how much in depth I wanted this conversation to go. I wondered if he could sense the dread I was feeling.

"Meet me by the park entrance." I muttered before slowly starting to back away. I didn't want to openly say that I wanted to talk in an wide open space. Somewhere that we couldn't be heard, but wasn't as secluded and private-feeling as a coffee shop or something of the sort. I wasn't sure how he would take it. It was hard to tell whether he would be fine with it, or just get more upset with Alan.

He pressed his lips together, nodding silently before staring the engine back up. I turned and began to make my way up the path that led to the back of the house. When I was about half way up the walk I made the mistake of turning around, allowing my eyes to meet Austin's once more. He stared back at me with such sadness, it broke me just to see him looking at me that way. I could tell he didn't want me to go back into the house, but it couldn't be any other way. As much as part of me longed to stay with him and not go back into the uncomfortableness that awaited me behind those doors, I knew it had to be this way. Hopefully I could make him understand that this afternoon.

I quickly arrived at the back patio, looking for any signs of unlocked windows or doors. I didn't want to go in through the front. Alan was never one to remember things well after he was drunk, so as long as he didn't see me coming in, he wouldn't even know I had left.

My luck had changed somewhat for the night, and the back door opened graciously for me when I turned the knob. I was now glad that this house didn't have an alarm system. I slipped easily inside, and once the door was closed, I walked into the living room and collapsed on the couch. Alan would just think I crashed on here for the entirety of the night. Without him knowing I left, even if it was just to try to clear my head, it made life around here a lot easier.

Laying on the soft cushions, it finally caught up to me just how tired and utterly exhausted I was. And the thought of talking with Austin later today just made me even more tired. So I let sleep take over me in no time as my eyelids fell closed and my breathing eventually evened out.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 I heard the front door being unlocked and opened, but I refused to open my eyes. I  knew it was Alan leaving to go to the music store, but I didn't really have the courage to talk to him this morning. I wasn't up for the empty apologies and me giving in to him like always. I just didn't have the energy for that emotional mess this morning, so I remained motionless on the couch, letting him think I was still asleep.

When I heard the door shut once more and the lock click into place, I allowed my body to wake up as well. I stretched the sleep out of my arms and legs before standing up and walking over to the bathroom.

My wrist felt thick, and when I looked down, I saw an ace bandage wrapped firmly around it. The purpleness of the swelling was still apparant in my fingers, but most of the damage was covered. I guess Alan had done it in my sleep, there's no other way this bandage could have gotten there. I should have felt grateful that he took care of me like this, but the memory of him causing the damage in the first place was forever burnt into my mind.

I stared at myself in the mirror. Day old make-up with tear streaks painting my cheeks in black. My clothes felt dirty and uncomfortable and my hair was a tangled mess. I looked like I just finished taking the walk of shame. I splashed some cold water on my face and shoved my hair up in a messy bun at the base of my neck. It was difficult with really only one hand to do it, but it wasn't like I was going for perfection. I lifted my shirt up over my head, revealing the bruises that had returned from last night. Of course they weren't as bad as when I had first gotten them, and that was weeks ago. Nevertheless, they still hurt a bit. I popped some more advil, and a few Excedrin for my already painful hangover. My life seemed to function on pain meds right now. Not that I could really help that in a way.

I pressed the lock button on my phone to get the time. 11:53 it read, and I was shocked at how late I had woken up. Even though I had went to sleep only eight hours before, I was always one to wake up early, no matter how late of a night I had.

I ran up to our bedroom, immediately looking for some clean clothes to change into. I pulled off my old skinnies, replacing them with a fresh ripped grey pair. I tossed on a thin oversized blue sweater, just something comfortable and loose. I left my face bare and my hair simple, I honestly couldn't care less how bad I looked. My stomach was already knotting up with the dread of seeing Austin in an hour. I shoved on a pair of black vans and bounded back down the steps.

I grabbed my earphones before heading out the door, not bothering with anything else. I didn't necessarily need a key, I'd just come in through the back door like I did last night. I needed some time with myself anyways, so I didn't take the car either. My mind wasn't really thinking past this afternoon, but at the moment I didn't care at all. The sweet sounds of A Day To Remember blasted through my earbuds as I walked down sidewalk, heading downtown towards the small park.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Time perception was never one of my strengths, so I ended up sitting on one of the benches by the entrance for a little over half an hour. I didn't mind really, just watching everything around me with my music to block out the world was calming in it's own way. I pulled my knees up to my chest, reassuring myself that it would all be okay, that after today things would be much calmer. Less worrisome. I just hoped I wasn't decieving myself of some horrible chain reaction already in place. Life was funny in some aspects.

Austin eventually showed up, wearing black skinnies and the usual Slipknot band shirt. His sunglasses hid his face well, but it was impossible to be oblivious to the tension in the atmosphere around us. I had a feeling he could feel it just as well as I could, but was much better at hiding it than I was. I shifted uncomfortably as he sat down casually beside me. I rested my chin on my knees, unsure of how to start all of this. He swung an arm around the back of the bench, looking down at me.

"Hey, c'mon don't cry." He said, moving a little closer to me. I hadn't even realized the tears had started up again, I felt ridiculous for being so sensitive. I wiped at my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm okay." I chuckled a bit, trying to ease his unecessary worries.

"Is your hand okay?" He asked, gently pulling my wrist up for him to see.

"Yeah," I said. "Alan wrapped it up, actually."

A look of confusion crossed his face as I looked back at him. This is exactly what he needs to see, which I why I said it in the first place. This was the time to get it out in the open. The conversation had to start somehow.

"Look, Austin," I started. "I know what you've seen doesn't look too great. And...it isn't, really. But there's so much more to it than just the bruises you see. Things are complicated and believe me he's trying to stop-"

"If he really wanted to stop he would've done it a long time ago." Austin glared at nothing in particular.

"It takes time I guess. And all of that aside, Alan still loves me, I know it." I stated, partly to myself.

He just shook his head, unwilling to believe anything I had said. "I just don't understand. You don't ever lay your hands on someone you love. I just can't believe all this time has passed and I didn't know a thing until now." 

His voice was slowly rising as he spoke. I had to calm him down. I held up my bandaged wrist. "You see this? He wouldn't have done this if he didn't still love me."

Austin tapped his foot impatiently, hiding his face in his hands as he rested his hands on his knees. I didn't know if he was upset or angry, or even both. It scared me, but I had to finish this.

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to do anything. It's better to be left alone. I don't want to come in between your friendship with Alan." He scoffed at what I said. My sentences were all botched up, nothing seemed to flow together. It was just one random idea after another, things I wanted to say but didn't necessarily know how to. 

"It's all okay. It's gonna be fine." I said when he didn't respond. Part of me didn't even believe myself when the words came out though.

"You don't deserve this, don't you know that?" He suddenly turned his head, looking straight into my tear-filled eyes. "I don't know why you just sit around and take this shit from him. Maybe he's convinced you that it's your fault, or that you have nowhere else to go, and he's wrong. You shouldn't have to take this, you're too good to be treated like this."

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear, his hand lingering for a bit. I felt the silent tears fall, I was honestly at a loss for words. I knew in my head he was right, he was so, so right. But it didn't feel right in my heart. I don't think there's anything I can say to convince Austin that Alan really is trying to get better at this. There's nothing I can really say to show him the normality and love that surrounds us when things are good. Despite all of this, I loved Alan. I didn't want to leave him, I still believed there was some good left in him, and that that part of him was fighting to come out. I just couldn't give up on him. Alan couldn't get better if I didn't improve some aspects myself. It was common sense.

"It goes both ways, you know. How can he change if I'm gone?"

"You think you deserve this?" He asked incredelous, ignoring my second sentence. I looked down at my knees, averting my gaze.

"Sometimes." I said shyly, unsure of where this was going.

He took my face in his hands, making me look up at him. He shook his head slowly, his face etched with sadness and desperation, an odd mixture to see in Austin. "I don't want you saying that. Don't you ever think you did something to be treated like this. I just wish there was a way I could show you how much you're worth."

I bit down on my lip, my emotions were going haywire. I felt guilty, for getting myself into this situation and for making Austin feel this terribly. I felt relieved to be able to finally confide in someone about this, after keeping it all inside for so long. I was angry at Alan, for breaking me this bad. I couldn't even remember what I was like before the fights and abuse. And I was more than frustrated with Austin for invading on a matter so private.

But his words had gone so deep, there was no doubt in my mind that he meant them, and that he was telling the truth. But even if I wanted to, I couldn't change my way of thinking just like that. 

This attempt to make him understand was definitely a failed one, and I don't think I could ever succeed in making him see things from my point of view.

Austin pulled my into his arms, careful about my injuries. He stroked my back soothingly as I cried into his chest. His embrace was so comforting, and I wasn't used to being able to express my emotions like this in front of someone, not even Alan. Austin was the only person I could be around, and truly feel and believe that despite all of the mayhem right now, all would be okay in the end.

At least, I had the hope that it would.