TW; talking abt body image 

Mid 💙

hi nine

Hi Mid!
How r u going

Um
not that great
hbu

Im fine 
Why r u not great :(
Can u talk abt it over call?

no 
sorry 

Alg don't feel pressured <3

so 
I got drunk 

Aw Mid
That sucks im sorry

not ur fault 

Ik but im sorry it happened :((

dont be nice to me i dont deserve it

...Mid
What happened??

i hooked up with poets

oh

nine im so so sorry 
i never meant for it to happen
I just wasnt in a good headspace 
nine? 
baby 
come back 
please baby im so sorry

um
Im gunna need some time 

take as much time as you need 
ill wait 

dont take it as a definite that we'll get back together

okay
this is entirely my fault 
so i dont blame you 

bye 

bye Nine 

no nicknames 

bye 1989 

------------------------

I sighed, putting my phone down and swallowing. I mean, it wasn't entirely unexpected, I knew that she was going well, but I would have been lying if I said I expected it to last. 

I remembered all the good times we had in our short time before I left, sighing and biting my lip to stop it from wobbling. Soon enough the thoughts in my head were running wild and I was contemplating whether our entire relationship had even been truthful. 

What if she was just using you for sex?

no don't think like that, she took you out on that date... 

And what did that end in?

shut up. She was so nice, she wouldn't just do that to you.

but she did. 

You know she's not in a good place right now...

but what if?

"Shut up," I muttered. 

"You alright 1989?" Rep asked from the bed next to me. 

"No," I said. "Midnights cheated on me," 

"Oh," She said, pausing. "That sucks," 

"Why do you sound so hesitant?" 

"I'm trying to figure out what I should say to be consoling, I'm working on recognising people's feelings and not like, being a bitch," She explained, avoiding eye contact. I nearly laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation, Rep being shy? Unheard of.

"Nice," I said. "Wish Midnights would have taken my feelings into consideration,"

I hadn't meant to say that, I wasn't supposed to put my stuff on her.

"Sorry that happened to you," She took a breath, looking as though she was racking her brains for the right thing to say or offer. "Do you wanna talk about it?" 

I hesitated for a moment, part of me wanting to break down and tell her everything I was feeling, and part of me urging the other side to shut up and say no thanks. I settled for somewhere in the middle, because no matter how hard you press down on the lid of an overflowing bin, sometimes that one piece of garbage is the tipping point. (I hope that made sense)

"Yeah, if that's okay," I said after a few seconds of awkward silence while my brain internally fought itself to the death to come to a decision. She nodded in comforting confirmation and hesitated for only half a second before moving over to sit on my bed. "I don't know that much, but I know that she hooked up with the new one, The Tortured Poets Departement, and got drunk, not sure in which order though,"

"Is her getting drunk not normal?" 

"Okay so I really shouldn't be sharing this with you because it's kind of private but I know I can trust you," I said, turning to look at her. "Well before that everyone kind of knew she had a problem, but then she accidentally got Lover high, and-"

"She got Lover high?" Rep's voice rose. 

"Shh, doesn't matter she was fine, what I was saying was that after that she felt super bad and got sober," I explained. "Then I'm guessing something happened and that went down the drain,"

"Well how come Lover never told me about this? I'm calling her now, you should've told me," She shook her head and stood up again. 

"Rep please don't go, and don't put this on me, I assumed you knew," I begged. "No, actually? Why do I have to ask you to stay? Why does nobody think I might not be fine some of the time?" My voice was probably an octave higher than normal, and there was a sharp ache in my throat that I couldn't get rid of. 

I mean, I knew that I wasn't fine, and sure that was a step in recognising it. My mind started to wander further from the breakup and steer dangerously close to the events of the past few weeks. I slipped my eyes closed, wringing my hands together and kind of hoping that Rep would leave. 

"1989... are you sure this is about the breakup?" She asked timidly. I shook my head wordlessly, not trusting myself to speak without bursting into tears. I felt the weight of the bed shift as she sat down next to me with a sigh. 

"Do you um, want a hug?" She offered weakly, and I let out a watery chuckle at her unsureness, shaking my head for a second time. 

"You don't have to Rep," I smiled, eyes still closed. However much I did want a hug, I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but the main reason was that I didn't want it from her. 

I wanted Midnights, but as the thought of being in her arms came to my head, the realisation of her cheating on me finally hit me and I let out an involuntary sob. 

The combined weight of all my bottled up emotions, the hours of standing in front of my bedroom mirror and picking myself apart until I felt raw inside, body checking in every reflective surface there was, pushing away everyone who tried to understand or help me. The feeling of always having an underlying hunger but being so used to it that I didn't even notice until I felt dizzy. Trying so hard to not crack, on the outside at least. 

"Don't cry Nine," I felt a hand on my shoulder and she moved her thumb gently, making me grateful that she was there, to be, well, to be Rep. The thoughts and memories kept coming, along with the tears, a murderous montage of my life. 

Silent videos of Midnights and I flashed between the bad memories, happiness tainted with the bitterness of loss making its way into the cracks of my heart. 

Rep didn't really understand why I was crying, not at all, but she was trying, and that was something. I wondered whether anyone would ever really understand, and not on the level of 'I explained it to you', rather the level that they actually understand me. 

Understand the place my mind goes when I zone out. 

Understand the feeling of the thoughts never leaving, but learning to push them down far enough that they stay there, until it's dark at least. 

Understand why I do it. 

Understand me. 

A/N; 🤪