Noella

It's the tingling that starts at the base of my neck, and the whisper of a voice. A breeze that brushes my hair. And then the throb that settles on the stem of my spinal cord. I cringe, hand coming up to rub against the pulsing skin.

I had excused myself from the breakfast table, and as I look in the lit up bathroom mirror, my eyes seem to swirl, colours rolling and reflecting in a rainbow of chaos.

My head begins to pound, limbs prickling with needles of sleep even though I'm standing up. Everything inside of me wars with what it once was and whatever is happening to me now.

I slide down the bathroom wall, head in my hands as I try to hold back a groan. It's like my head is splitting itself into two, the pain of it ripping apart almost too much. It's awful, it's-

Hello.

I gasp as everything stops. The pain, the throbbing, the pulsing, the tingles and needles. Everything quiets for that voice.

Did I end up with a mute?

I look up, down, around, left, right, sideways, backwards, and all over again.

Can you hear me?

It's..... it's coming from inside my head....?

Yes? I try out, contemplating whether or not I need to be assessed in an asylum.

Wonderful! I've been trapped in here for so long that I thought I would never speak to life again! You have no idea how much your voice comforts me right now!

Oh my gosh......

Someone is talking inside of my head.

There is an actual voice inside my head that is not mine.

Am I crazy? Dreaming? Delirious? Overwhelmed? Stressed? Making up voices in my head because of loneliness?

What are you? I ask, cringing at the encouragement I'm putting into this weirdness.

A giggle sounds, and I jump up, so scared that my legs shake and I almost fall right back down.

Why, I'm your wolf, of course!

Wait....

What did she just say?

Is it hot in here? I feel like maybe it's a little too warm. I have never been claustrophobic before, but I think the development has occurred. This bathroom is too small, too cramped. There's no air, no room to breathe.

A knock sounds, but was it in my head? I'm going crazy. I have to be. There's no other explanation at this point than to think-

"Noella?" Nixx's voice sounds, and something primal tips my gut.

What the heck is wrong with me?

"You alright in there?" He asks.

I'm not, but my voice won't work, too busy trying to get air in and out that words have no room to form.

Panic is a living, breathing thing inside of me, taking all my comfort and peace and replacing it with chaos and destruction.

"El?"

I wish I could answer him. Wish this stupid voice inside my head would go away so I could stop having to shove it out. It's like trying to lift a box of concrete and throw it out the window. It's too heavy, my hands too weak. I can't get rid of it, can't rid of the words it uttered.

"Noella, can you hear me?" Panic passes in his words, fear threading through its cracks.

Wolf.

I have a wolf inside my head. A wolf that's pushing against the walls I'm trying so hard to keep up. A wolf that's making the pounding in my head come back.

I have a wolf inside my head. I'm no better than my father. I'm no better than everyone I've called monsters. Creatures. Cruel. Inhuman. Disgusting. All of it.

I am all of it.

My father's daughter, and my mother's biggest disappointment.

Maybe that's why she left. Maybe she ran, terrified of the monster she made without knowing.

Terrified of me.

The door crashes open with a splintering crack, the hinges barely hanging on and wood chipping and fluttering to the ground. Pieces of a puzzle ripped apart.

Hands are on my face in an instant. Words are spoken, whispered, and then yelled in my ears.

Ringing is all I hear. Ringing in my head like a bell hit too many times. The chimes of a clock as it hits its numbers.

My shoulders shake, but I can't see who's in front of me. It's all blurred. The edges are a crisp midnight black that's seeping into my lens's, the colour bleeding until all I see is the night sky, welcoming me into a dreamless sleep.

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•

I jolt upright with a gasp, my eyes searching everything around me, adrenaline still fast and hot in my veins as I-

"Whoa there," a deep voice I know all too well speaks. "Let's take this a little slower, ok?"

He gently leads my body back into a slightly lying down, slightly sitting up position, and I finally recognize where we are.

A hospital. Do they think I'm crazy? Insane?! Do they not all have talking wolves inside their heads as well?! What is-

"Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart," Nixx's gentle voice says, bringing me back. "Look at me."

The command isn't rough. It rolls off his tongue and settles in my stomach like a hot rock.

What are these thoughts!?

The thoughts of a mating pair!

Not you again! I groan.

"Noella," Nixx says, still gentle, still patient. "Look at me, please."

My eyes trail over to his, lulling green instantly making my heart settle.

"Can you tell me what happened earlier?"

I swallow, the air in my lungs growing thick and clogging.

"I don't know," I whisper, even though I'm almost certain I do. "I don't understand."

Yes you do, my... wolf says.

He nods, his hand reaching to brush against mine.

"That's completely fine," he says. "Why don't you lead me through the steps and I can try to help you understand?"

"You think I'm crazy," I say, holding his eyes. "That's why I'm here, isn't it?"

His eyebrows go down, a shocked look exploding on his face.

"No, of course not!" He says quickly. "You're here because your face was turning blue. The oxygen in your body was fading faster than you could draw it. You weren't breathing, Noella." His eyes seem to shudder with the memory as he adds, "We almost lost you. If it weren't for Arlo, you wouldn't be here right now."

An exhale stutters out of my lungs.

"Oh." I whisper, barely audible.

His thumb draws a pattern on my hand, and my focus drifts, trying to figure out what it is.

"I would never think you're crazy, El. And if I ever did, the first thing I would do is try to talk through it with you, not toss you into a hospital."

The butterflies in my stomach rip free of their cage, and flutters erupt against my insides.

"How did I get lucky enough to stumble on your border?" I whisper, eyes locked on his.

His lips tip up as he says, "The same reason I got lucky enough to find you in my pack." His face leans closer as he says, "Fate."

"There's someone in my head!" I blurt.

Did you really just ruin a perfectly hot moment by saying I'm simply a person in your head?

Shut up, I grumble.

His face looks confused for a second before he nods slowly, eyes squinting just a little.

"Ok," he says, calculated. "How did you find that out?"

"In the bathroom," I say, rubbing my eyes and trying to keep the shaking out of my voice. "It all started with this pain in my head, and then it just started incessantly throbbing. It was awful, but then it all stopped when a voice spoke inside my head. I think," my hands rub harder on my forehead, like they're trying to push the information away. "I think I might have a wolf inside my head right now."

He's quiet for a moment, and I think this is the moment he'll pronounce me insane, because I'm human, there's no way I can have a wolf, but then he asks, "You think?"

I blow out a breath, my eyes tracking the white paint on the ceiling as I whisper, "I know I do."

His thumb continues its movement on my hand, and I decide I never want it to move.

"It would make a lot of sense, considering who your dad is."

I nod, because it does. It wouldn't make sense that offspring of a wolf wouldn't also be a wolf.

"It doe-" I stop abruptly, my mind whirling with revelations I wish I didn't know. "I didn't say anything about my dad being a wolf," I whisper, eyes searching his.

His jaw works as he closes his eyes.

"Noella," he starts, but I don't let him finish.

"Why do you keep lying?" I ask, a lump forming in my throat.

His eyes snap open before he asks, "keep? Noella, I haven't lied about-"

"I know, Nolixx!" I interrupt. "I know you're a werewolf too!"