What am I sick of...people telling me what to do how to act and whatever, people walking past me during there wonderful or not so wonderful day smiling or smirking as in to say I'm doing better than you or you've never had it as hard as me...am I full of shit I don't know, there is one thing I know at the moment and that is I don't feel to good. I'm constantly trying to find answers, aways hoping something will come along,but what I need to understand is I've never really been that lucky,I'm currently in a relationship with a women called Alex and to be frank she makes me feel sick sometimes how she pulls up in her big Mercedes and treats me like I'm a hopeless nobody with no outlook on life...she's constantly preaching to me, maybe I'm jealous of her.could be...not sure if I'm in love with her. If this is what love feels like I'm pretty sure I don't want it.

In this life you need to work or do whatever you have to do to have a constant flow of cash, or...just have money that's just there.

I'm 28 and all I've really done in my life is drink take drugs and wasted it on trying to find answers, some of which I already know the answer to,like I need to work. Work keeps the mind active and also gives you a sense of achievement, as in feeling like a real man who plays his part and makes his own bread. Money is the key...(it's not everything...but in this life it is a must)

Drugs booze and partying can be fun at the time...well not really because if you take drugs/booze whilst partying then you'll probably if like me be constantly chasing the buzz...most people socialise and meet and great people, other chase the buzz...if your a buzz chaser stay away from parties.

Looking for answers about why am I here and am I the choosen one are a waste of time don't do it, no one knows the meaning of life if they did or do please share with me because I've wasted enough time already. Don't walk around delusional, or sit about rather, either or which...don't do.

Time equals money, there is nothing more precious then time, with time you can earn money and with money you can spend and enjoy your time growing and experiencing new things.

Build a foundation for your own self.
Start enjoying the dinner things in life on the side like drinking coffee and going for walks on your day off from making money. Be a self certified king, once you build a foundation a money making scheme...everything around it will fall in place, save your money as much as you spend your money, always be worth something, create your own bet worth fuk it why not.

Run be healthy and do your best to stay in shape,complacency isn't the key unless it's with the fundamentals of a money making foundation, don't let it interrupt your health or physical fitness, after all that's really the main and most should be applied factor of them all. Health and fitness, eat well, also eat what you want, exercise,put all of this in consideration that you are ageing, and if I must say it doesn't physically get better with age.

Move any negativitys from your life, you will come across alot, maybe more them positives I'm the beginning whilst building your foundation. Some will be hard to move, girlfriends old mates some family members who don't appreciate anything, also remember that the negativitys in your life only may on be negative because of the stage you are currently at, try to understand the difference between a complete hater and someone who is trying to help out, the helper outers are the ones you can just put to the side, the main thing is to focus on ones self. These people that you consider maybe good people trying to help may not be alble to help until you have finished helping yourself. Then see what they have to say. Make sure you do it for your self.

Grow up...stop lookimg at people's faults and blaming everybody else.
Do your own thing, find what you like. Be your own man.win win win.
Just tried getting in the gym and I wasn't really succesful, I really do need a membership, I've had my fair share of free gym...about 6 months worth lol, you see it all go back to the money thing being the key, this wouldn't of happend if I had a membership, so I'm sitting here on the bench outside York Hall gym thinking what to do now? I really don't want to go home, do people go for walks still...alone? Well agleast I had a run, (I ran about 2 miles then my knee went) the wonderful world...people walking about going about there business, I could do with a peddle bike right about now, let's face it is don't want to go home and be waiting for Alex to call so I can ignore it, to be frank I would rather her not call me at all...I've already had a call from a private number, I need to stop thinking about her and worring about things I couldn't stop even if I tried.so whats the point.?

I'm constantly apprehensive about things that haven't happend yet, always thinking about negative things, im a pessimist. I need to stop that, let's have a few things straight, I've made a phone call to Dr shan, to get my fit note, I pick it up tomorrow, I will then make a phone call to Natalie after I send a email to her, so don't beat yourself up to much, that's progress & productivity.

So what am I up to now...I'm currently laying on my bed with my phone on charge, I'm feeling optimistic about things and that's a good thing, I was just in about a hour ago in the idea store, I sat there in the store and had a read of this book the son, but I'm not too sure if I was happening some sort of eppisode, I started thinking I was collecting sovereignty data that only I could collect through reading historic biblicle stories, that's lasted all for 10 minutes... then I tried getting into the book, it seemed pretty interesting, but if you was to ask what I comprehended I would say I don't know...I then stopped reading the book because I see a glimpse of a Winston Churchill book on a shelf in front of me and decided to put the book I was currently reading and took the book I wanted, i then put the book I was just reading back on the shelf... haven't started reading the book yet it's in my rucksack.

When I asked the little Asian Lady with the hijab on at the desk if I could take the Winstone Churchill book home with me, she addressed me very formal with a positive attitude but at the same time with a obnoxious attitude all mixed in to one... she was asking for i.d, I didn't have anything on me, she was ok with things though, she just said i will need to ask a few questions, I said go ahead, she proceeded and eventually is got the book. Soo that's pretty good. Then I had a slow jog home, I'm gonna put a curry on now from Iceland.they taste pretty good.

My nans just walked through the door.
She's really stressed out about my uncle Terry being in hospital,yer the family's abit all over the place now, but to be hounest I think my nan can do with a break.

My uncle Terry in hospital due to bad life decisions, he is kinda Ill generally anyways he has like H I V diabetes and he has very low kidney percentage, he goes on the dialacies machine sometimes, but right now his in intensive care, his struggling to breath and the hiv had spread to his spine, but in all fairness my uncle is a very lazy man, and his son Joe doesn't help neither, his wife the Thai whore.in other words he wouldn't be in hospital if he took his tables and kept his life in order, his wife is from Thailand and he has two kids with her,but the house he lives in with Joe& daisy, "joes girl friend the dirty soap doger" and mam his wife the Thai money grabbing cunt is just a monstrosity of a situation he was in. The bitch needs to go basicly.but the situations awkward he wants her here taking all his money while his on his last breaths in hospital, but Terry wants her so that's concrete, end of.

Hello again, I'm currently at the hospital well the walk in center, I was just at the hospital but I thought why I'm close to the sexual walk in center I might aswell get myself checked out, my uncles really in a bad way, I hate seeing him like this...my mum and nan don't stop crying and making phone calls to other family members, I wish they would stop smoking though.

How I'm feeling, hmmm pretty good actually, I sent my fit not back to work to Natalie today and heading for work tomorrow afternoon, she said she's gonna train me on the tills so that's pretty good, I'm not gonna lie though I'm feeling a bit apprehensive about he whole ordeal, but like I said money is the key, and not only the key to a better life the key to respect from others and also it makes you feel that but better I should think, keeps the mind active.

What am I doing now well it's 9 pm and I'm in my room with my mother and brothers it's pretty cool actually because we rarely chill like this together in my room. Today was a pretty sad but interesting day, my uncle Terry is in a bad way but the doctors say from there statistics that's his getting better, " he don't look like it though"...on the contrary today was kinda in a weird sense...to the slightest abit surreal, the whole family was down...shellia decky Sally John Sandra Stephen little Terry Charlotte Karen Alfie my mum and nan me and nicky, but whilst in the waiting areas where we all congagrated there was a few moments where I felt awkward like, out of character. A few times some of the family members spoke to me, but it was like that one person for instance let's say decky...he was speaking to me and I was listening but so was everybody else in the lobby and I just felt my face going red, hot flushed. I just wish in times like that I was more confident in myself and was able to interact the way I wish to be, maybe with a more stronger self off steam, in a sense I suppose I was struggling with every thing... it just goes back to the same thing( money ) no worth, like a child a feel like, like a Mommy's boy, " what have you been up to George" oh nothing much just unemployed and hang around with my mum, nothings changed over here with me...

I'm kinda just sitting here still I can here family guy in the background, I haven't been for a run today but in anticipating going for one tonight well in a moment, I can't be asked I might just go tomorrow.

Today was pretty eventful, well to say the least actually. I went back to work yaheey, I got put on the tills serving customers and to be hounest it wasn't to bad at all, I might even go as far to say I didn't mind it, no work tomorow so I'm gonna try and keep busy with gym and maybe a nice refreshing run around the park, also I see my friend Sarah today, black Sarah, the one who was training for the marathon latest year, oh yer that one lol. I was on the way to the store to buy a pack of Pepsi max from the co operative and she was running towards me, got past me and stopped and said hi, that girl is always looking depressed, she was telling me how she has found god and she trying to "tread above water" her words. Keep positive, we exchanged a few words spoke for no longer than ten mins, and I am sudden thought came to mind, " I had my crucifix on" around my neck, the one squares gave me down the roman. So I thought I'd give it to her, she seemed happy and put it straight over her head, I said catch you later and give me a call or a text because im on the same number, she most probably won't though nows she's even more towards god or what have ya, because the last time I had her I didn't stop sending her dirty vids lol, I suppose even if she messaged me again I'd most probably do the same, but as I just wrote that I had a sudden change of heart and thought to myself...I don't think I would actually, especially if it would sabotage our friendship, or the realshionship I'm in with Alex because that would be just dumb.na fuck that.

The struggles are real...I went to work yesterday and it was all well and good,I thought working on the tills would be difficult,being put under pressure.but it wasn't too bad, apart from at the end of the day when the calculated the money they said they was 25 pound under, that just pissed me off, kinda made me feel apprehensive about the next shift on the tills, feel like I'm gonna take everything slow and do what I can, don't rush and still there's gonna be money missing,but...on the contrary, I'm currently with Alex, she's next to me in my bed and she's stroking fluffy, she's kinda pissed off about me going to the pub last night and getting well... let's say merry, I just shouldn't of drunk the can of drink when we stopped at the shops after she picked me up from the pub with my mum and nan,she's a good girl I need to stop treating her like this and accusing her.on another note my brother Alfie was looking hench in the pub, like really bulky, his on steroids because when I was up muscle works gym yesterday with him and Joel, Joel slipped up and said," it's good that test that Alfies on " test Is a short term for testosterone, it's and illegal anabolic steroid,however Alfie doest really know the risks about steroids like they increase you in having a heart attack by 50%...I'll say that's the worst, also other things like roid rage shrinking of the testicals baldness ect...well I suppose the other things that I said except the heart attack aren't really life threatening, but and it's a big but...my brother last night was sniffing cocaine in the pub whilst steroids were running through his system, now we that's a pretty stupid thing to do, sniff coke whilst on steroids, talk about risky.

What to say apart from today's been not so bad of a day, currently with Alex and we're most probably going to watch a Netflix film,horror or thriller hmm choices, might even just stick a comedy on, haven't had a laugh in a while,let me tell you what I did today, we went for a little drive to Camden listened to some tunes, Westwood was playing lol, Alex was being critical about his age and the music he plays, i think his legendary to be honest. That's about it really,also tried to say sorry to my mum and nan about getting drunk last night, or should we say having that one beer that I shouldn't of and then swearing and abusing them, tried saying sorry...well I said sorry, not sure if they're accepting it though.