chapter five / season three episode three.

THE WORLD MOVED ON. It always did.

But, Amelia found her feet firmly planted on the titles floor of the coffee shop where she used to enjoy her morning coffees, or her Saturday brunch coffees - now, she had not been back since.

Really, all Amelia did was wake up from the safety blanket of her duvet, skip coffee and have something small for breakfast and work. (She'd ignore the calls that came from a phone number that originated in Washington)

It was work, work, work and act as if you'd moved on!

She hadn't.

The world had.

The world outside the BAU wouldn't even know Jason Gideon had quit.

Amelia knew.

Spencer knew.

The rest of the team knew.

Today, Penelope had taken on the task of clearing out Jason's office, "Gideon left everything, except the photographs."

Amelia hadn't reacted, her eyes were trained firmly on the letters in Spencer's hands, she'd realized after she'd made it home to her apartment that she would've much rather had a letter left by Gideon instead of a phone call.

Maybe a letter would've helped her move on better.

Spencer looked up for a spilt second, "He always said those were like his family."

Derek and Emily exchanged a look before glancing between Amelia and Spencer.

Derek and Emily were worried and that was to put it lightly. Spencer and Amelia didn't speak much during the day, they didn't have much to say anymore. Amelia didn't do her usual tapping, beating her thigh or drinking her coffee and her nails weren't even painted.

Spencer looked more exhausted than usual and seemed to be taking Amelia's intake of coffee so that the packets of sugar and coffee beans didn't go to waste.

Neither of them spoke of Gideon, not unless someone brought him up first.

Derek believed neither of them knew how to cope. Spencer had been left with a letter by someone he'd known for years, someone who he'd looked up to, someone who'd trained him. Amelia had one phone-call where she didn't get to thank Gideon enough, or say all that she wanted to because her mind was too clouded.

They'd both lost someone who had detrimental impact on their lives, and they both seemed to think ignoring the impact of his loss was the best way to go about it.

It wasn't.

But, Derek or Emily knew didn't know how to tell them that. They knew how would Reid would respond and they didn't want to pressure him in to returning straight back to normal.

Amelia... they'd known Amelia for a month, they hadn't seen her suffer a loss, they didn't know how she worked through these things.

The only thing they knew was that it shouldn't be alone.

"What should we do with all this?" Penelope asked, making her way down to the bullpen.

Spencer or Amelia didn't give an answer.

The only thing that happened was Amelia's phone buzzing. She saw the number, rolled her eyes and turned the device over.

Derek glanced behind him, concern written all over his face, "You gonna get that?"

Amelia shook her head, clicking the top of her normal bureau issued pen, "No. It's just some Washington number, they'll go away."

(They won't, but if Amelia says it out loud enough, she'll believe it)

"You want a coffee before we gather?" He asked Amelia, knowing Spencer did not need anymore coffee in his system before 8am.

Again, Amelia shook her head, "No, thank you."

Emily thought the world had turned on the its axis.

Spencer had physically perched up at the mention of coffee, "I'll take one."

Derek tutted, taking Amelia's mug from the desk anyway, "None for you, pretty boy, you might explode if we put more coffee in you."

Spencer's eyebrows furrowed, "I'd like to state, that's impossible—"

Emily rolled her eyes and made her way to the BAU room, not before shoving her mug in Derek's hands.

Amelia laughed quietly as Derek stalked the opposite way to Emily and in the direction of the coffee machine.

Spencer nearly smiled at the sound of her laughter.

Amelia nearly smiled when he nearly smiled.

"Are you okay?" Spencer asked in a whisper, looking around as if the conversation they were about to divulge in was illegal.

It was one of the only things Amelia could guarantee everyday; Spencer asking her if she was okay, and her doing the same for him. She couldn't roll out of bed and guarantee she remembers to have breakfast, or put on a clean pair of socks or that she'll even get out of bed - if it was the weekend.

It was the one thing she guaranteed everyday.

And she'd answer it because they were in the same boat, they might be in different seas of emotions but they both lost the same person.

They were grieving, really. If you wanted to put a blanket term over it, they were grieving the loss of someone who they knew was still out there.

They didn't know how to do that.

Amelia nodded, she didn't smile, she just nodded. "The world moves on, so we have to too."

Spencer wanted to argue that that was the wrong mentality but Amelia was already making her way up to the BAU room.

The world moves on, the bad guys are still killing people, Amelia still had a job to do and hopefully that would be enough to distract her from the loss of a friend.

The world moves on.

Amelia would have to find a way to do so, and quick, as the latest agent at the BAU didn't know how much longer she could take the concerned glazes from Emily and Derek or even the wellness basket made by JJ and Penelope - while the gestures were sweet and Amelia did appreciate them, she felt as though they were just waiting for her to break and they'd be ready to pick up her pieces.

Amelia didn't want to be that burden for them.

She'd been raised in a way that taught her: if you fall apart, you should never let anyone else put you back together. Amelia was taught that she should be strong enough to do it herself, her parents never stood at the sidelines and told her to carry on, or 'you've got this!', they just watched as she scrambled to pick up her own sharp, broken pieces.

The first time she'd been forced to do so was when her Grandma died. Amelia had cried more than her own mom had - to this day, she still didn't understand why. Amelia pinned it down the fact that everyone grieved differently, maybe bottling it all up and hiding her tears had been Martha Levine's way of grieving.

Still, Amelia had felt alone in her cycle of grief. Her parents had explained to the seven year old that Grandma was not coming back and had gone some place better and when Amelia cried, neither of them wrapped their arms around her shoulders and promised they were there for the confused girl who didn't quite understand her Grandma had died.

It had been so daunting for Amelia. It was so scary and there was no hand to guide her through it, to lay a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

There hadn't been a single hug from her parents.

For a long time, Amelia thought this was normal: this loneliness and having to fix yourself was normal, that this was something everyone had to do. And she went through the motions many times in her life while living with her parents, the death of her Grandma, the death of her neighbor's dog (that she dogsat), the death of her Grandpa, or if she got badly injured while playing in the front yard, even falling down the stairs.

Whatever it was, Amelia was left to tend to it herself, she'd dry her own tears, wipe up her own blood and left alone.

The first time Amelia realized this was wrong was when Clara came into the office one day, back in her negotiation days, Amelia's friend has smudged mascara, massive bags as if she hadn't slept and pale as if some news she'd just received was the worst thing she'd ever heard.

It had been.

Clara's mom had passed away and everyone had offered the grieving daughter a shoulder to cry on, they'd given her a hug, kisses on the cheeks and promises that they'd bring soup or some of her favorite confectionary round the next day.

When it got to Amelia the girl didn't quite know what to say.

She'd never seen anything like this, Amelia thought everyone was supposed to go through these notions alone, that they had to navigate a way to move on on their own.

Clara was far from alone.

And Amelia couldn't help but begin to wonder why her parents had raised her this way. The Levine did truly love her parents, she really did, but there were things she was confused about, things that sometimes made her question her love for her parents.

And then she'd feel guilty, guilty that no child raised in a happy home, that was filled with laughter on every night, that had love and joy, that had everything a child desired; Amelia should never question that, should she?

Amelia ignored the questions that began to arise, she just ignored them, they were too much for her to contemplate. Instead, she made soup everyday for the next three months for Clara, she'd turn up on the girls doorstep bearing the gifts of her favorite soup and sometimes the chef's special.

Clara loved it. (Even if she had to buy a secondary freezer because she was running out of room for all this soup)

And every Saturday night the two girls would settle on the sofa, put a film on and eat their soup. Within twenty minutes the film would soon be forgotten, instead Amelia would listen while Clara told fond memories of her mom.

Clara would laugh and Amelia would smile due to how much she'd missed the sound.

Clara would cry and Amelia would offer her her shoulder.

Clara hadn't felt so alone, and with time the girl felt her sharp, broken pieces return to something a little less jagged, there was still broken pieces but there just blunt.

They'd been wrapped in the comfort of Amelia Levine.

When it came to Clara's passing, Amelia thought it best to ignore the problem all together. That was for the better. The unit was being investigated, the unit chief was being fired (for passing the blame), everyone was being shipped off or quitting and Amelia felt as though she had no time to grieve in all the things that were changing.

Except, her new unit chief made her take two months off to process all that had happened.

Amelia couldn't quite ignore it then could she?

She spent two weeks at her parent's house and that had been enough; everyday they tried to make her move on, act as if Clara hadn't even had that much impact on her life and that Clara was gone but she was in a better place.

It turns out saying that doesn't make anything easier.

Her parents didn't help her. And Amelia found herself too distraught to wonder why.

She got home, made herself soup, cried over photo albums, looked through old text messages or silly notes they'd pass around the office.

Amelia had to make her own jagged edges blunt.

She had hoped she'd never have to do it again, or anytime soon for that matter.

But, she did.

She could try to ignore the fact Gideon up and left and make her way up to the BAU room as if absolutely nothing had happened.

That seemed like an amazing idea.

It was actually what she was doing right this second.

She rubbed at her eyes tiredly as she made her way into the room and sat herself down beside Derek. (It was her claimed seat at Derek's orders, he mostly did it to annoy JJ)

Amelia turned to him with a frown when there was a coffee mug in her place, "You waiting for someone else here?"

Derek narrowed his eyes at her, "It's for you, sunshine." He pointed at the Mr men mug of Little Miss Sunshine - Amelia found it impossible to not roll her eyes.

"I told you not to—"

"And I didn't listen." He smiled.

Derek smiled at her.

Amelia shook her head, pushed the mug away and looked towards JJ and their unit chief entering.

(Derek slid the mug back when she wasn't looking)

"Okay, we have four victims in Oregon. Two male, two female." JJ handed out their folders.

"I got this." Hotchner told her, everyone but Spencer and Amelia exchanged a look, "I know that we've all been wondering what this was all about."

Everyone looked up at him as he spoke, Hotchner returned the gesture but his gaze lingered on Spencer and Amelia longer than the others.

"And, you know, I've known Jason for many years, and I can tell you, I have no idea. But that doesn't even matter." Agent Hotchner, if you want to know why don't be shy to ask Spencer and Amelia - if you want them to start crying of course.

"What matters is we're here and we're gonna continue."

The world moves on.

And now, they would fly to Oregon after three bodies were found in a mass grave, dead six months ago, with another body not so far from it. From burning alive to asphyxiation.

Oregon... here we come! (Even it the world seems to have fallen apart, there's still psychopaths out there)

✺

Derek had put Amelia's coffee into a go-cup. He had placed it on the table on the jet, she had taken one sip and smiled - falsely - at him before pushing it back into his direction.

The unit chief had watched them.

Spencer was annoyed Derek still hadn't gotten him a cup of coffee, so got up to make his own during the debrief.

"Can we go over what Portland found?" Hotchner asked, looked behind his seat to the four seater where JJ, Derek and Amelia sat - and the first two swore his eyes lingered on Amelia for a second longer than usual.

"One female and two male victims found buried together in the same grave. All 25 to 30. All had been dead, six months." JJ handed out their folders again.

Derek noticed Amelia didn't have any of her brightly colored highlighters in hand or the pens that her and Garcia loved.

Had the world fallen apart? (Yes, Derek, it had)

"That sounds like three different MOs." Emily told them.

"Gary Taylor, the Phantom Sniper, was all over the map, just like this guy." Spencer informed them. "He changed his MO as his need to control the situation changed."

"What about the fresh grave?" Hotchner looked at Amelia.

She thought he'd gone crazy, but the silence lingered for a second too long and Amelia realized he wanted her to speak.

"Female, 28, dead roughly 48 hours. She was asphyxiated."

Hotchner nodded and turned away.

Amelia scolded herself for having nearly missed where the information was on her page - forgetting her highlighters had not been a good idea at all.

"It's a good thing this guy's dump site's been compromised." Derek said.

Emily frowned, "As soon as the Unsub knows that, he may feel pressure that we're onto him. Could push him to make a mistake."

A beep sounded on the plane, "Hey, you. Down here."

A quiet scoff of laughter fell from Reid's lips, "I knew that."

He picked up the computer as Penelope's face came on screen, "Good thing you're handsome, Doctor. Attention team members. This killer guy continues to stoop to an all time low of lows by posing as his victims."

Amelia was being pushed by Derek into the camera frame so that Penelope could see them all.

All Amelia had to do was pinch his arms to remove his hands off her shoulders.

JJ sent them a warning look at the loud whine that fell from Derek's lips.

"He's also manipulated two of the families into thinking everything was okay, even after they were reported missing. One of the fake e-mails was from their daughter. She said she'd met this guy and was taking him to her favorite place, Australia, for a couple of weeks," Penelope shook her head with a grimace, "The family contacted Australian authorities after too much time had passed."

"This guy sure knows a lot of personal information about his victims." Derek mused.

"How'd he get access to their e-mail accounts?" Emily asked, thoroughly confused.

"The screen name was the same, but the domain was different. The families never noticed." Penelope informed them, "When I find more pieces of the puzzle, you'll know, Garcia, out."

"This guy's creative," Hotchner said, "Let's review the details one more time, just to make sure we haven't missed anything."

They remained in their positions crowded around one table.

Amelia leant over Derek shoulder, "You look terrible in pixel form."

Derek turned his head slowly, blinked and said, "I swear, to someone above, I will push you off the arm of this chair."

Hotchner wanted to scold them but he was quite intrigued to see if Derek would actually go through with it.

JJ rolled her eyes and rolled her sleeves up from behind the two of them before flicking them on the back of their heads, "Read."

Spencer's head snapped up.

Derek laughed before his head was forced down into his file by JJ.

Amelia held her folder up to her face to hide her smile.

In this jet, miles up in the sky, everything wasn't quite as bad - Amelia thought to herself. Even if the plane could come tumbling down at any given moment, it wasn't so bad up here.

It was like every problem, every worry on her shoulder or every tear that felt like it might fall was gone in Qauntico, waiting for her to return to it.

But, right now, she was going to Oregon and going to ignore every single one of those worries. Amelia deemed that her best option, that chasing after the unsub was all she needed for a distraction.

If possible, Derek and Emily saw right through her and they'd be putting Amelia on a firm watch.

They weren't alone. (Penelope would text Derek every five minutes and JJ would mind Spencer and Amelia like a mother would)

And even Aaron Hotchner felt as though he should watch closely to Amelia on this case.

✺

They didn't spend much time in the field office and didn't spend much time with the Agent on the case, Calvert, before heading to Jenny Wittman's place.

Amelia had offered to work victimology with Emily, but Hotchner had asked her (forced) to join him, Derek and Spencer at Wittman's place. It was safe to say in the SUV, on the way over, Amelia felt severely outnumbered.

Emily had sniggered at the multiple text messages she'd received from the girl, complaining that Derek and Spencer had both decided to sit in the back to squash her in the middle.

Hotchner felt as though he was minding his children, making sure they didn't get into trouble or a fight. (His three agents were more of a handful than his own son)

"Wittman's place is in the fourth floor." Spencer told them as they walked into the building, which looked as though it had a new coat of paint to hide its aging exterior and interior.

Derek pressed the button the lift. Only him and Spencer stepped forward to get into it.

Derek looked back to Amelia when him and Spencer were as snug as bugs in the lift, "You wanna join, sunshine?"

Amelia looked at him in bewilderment, "Do I look like I have a death wish?"

Derek rolled his eyes, "Don't be such a scaredy cat, it's an elevator, what's the worst thing that could happen?"

Amelia thought he was crazy, "Derek, there are so many things that could happen in a elevator, like it could stop, or- or fall down unexpectedly!"

Just the thought of a elevator getting stuck made Amelia pick at her nails (her actual nails considering the base lacked any nail polish at all)

"Levine and I will meet you up there." Hotchner spoke over them, knowing if he didn't step in soon Amelia and Derek could get into a full blown discussion about elevators. (The unit chief had listened to their argument on the way back from the last case and that had been so draining that he never wanted to do it again)

Amelia looked between Derek and a nervous Spencer, "Have fun in your death trap." She told them before following after Hotchner, who had been kind enough to wait for her.

She made Spencer feel even more nervous, which Derek had rolled his eyes at.

The only sound that was heard as they went up the first slight of stairs was their footsteps, and Amelia had to admit that her unit chief did not know how to walk quietly.

While her footsteps were as quiet as a mouse, she was sure his were echoing off the empty walls of the apartment building.

Amelia didn't mind the silence, it was quiet nice to be away from the quiet and loud voice of Derek Morgan.

But, the unit chief just had to break it didn't he?

He cleared his throat before speaking, "I don't know if I'm the person you want to hear this from,"

Amelia turned her head slowly to look at him, she had no clue what he was going to say.

"But, if you want to..." He sighed, as if he was unsure of if he was saying the right thing, "If you want someone to talk to, you can talk to us."

You can talk to me; was what he was originally going to say but he felt as though he and Amelia did not have that sort of relationship. He and Amelia had spoken five sentences to each other when not in the company of the team, and he knew she was nervous around him so he would undoubtedly be the last person she spoke to.

So, Agent Hotchner would offer up the others in his team because he knew they would listen to Amelia in a heartbeat (Not that he wouldn't, he just doesn't expect her outside his door ready to talk to him)

Amelia nodded her head, "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank us," she stiffened, and he noticed, "It's what we're there for, Levine. We may be a team that's supposed to go out and catch the bad guys but we're also a team that is there for each other at the end of a bad day, or a bad week."

That was what teams were supposed to do.

And yet the idea felt so foreign to Amelia. Here people were giving Amelia the option to talk, to know she wasn't alone, a shoulder to cry on.

Amelia wasn't supposed to have that. She was supposed to let the tears fall on her own shoulders, keep her word to herself, she was supposed to be alone.

Amelia felt the urge to hit her thigh in ten seconds intervals, but she withheld knowing Hotchner was watching her closely.

She nodded her head, "I'm fine, though. You don't need to worry about me, Sir."

(It was, probably, impossible not to be worried about Amelia Levine - especially when she didn't drink her coffee, didn't paint her nails, ate breakfast bars instead of real meals and many other things.)

Hotchner didn't nod his head, instead he said, "Anyone's doors are open for you for the moment you don't feel 'fine'."

His door was open. Derek told her where the spare key was to his apartment. Emily told her to climb the fire escape if necessary. JJ said she'd pick her up in an instant if she needed company for a night. Spencer had invited her round every Thursday night for book club and Penelope had designed the guest room for her.

All these doors were open.

And Amelia couldn't bring herself to knock on one of them.

She will not be someone else's burden.

Amelia hadn't realized they'd reached the fourth floor.

And neither of them really focused on the bell ringing as they made their way closer to the elevator.

Hotchner had been too focused watching Amelia, for any signs of lying or for her nerves, to realize they'd taken a wrong turn.

When he corrected it, he finally looked away from Amelia and heard the bell ringing.

Hotchner watched with furrowed eyebrows as Derek and Spencer scrambled out of the elevator.

"Hallelujah." Derek looked as though he was about to kiss the ground.

Amelia forced herself to burry Hotchner's concern for her deep down within her and laugh at Derek and Spencer, "And I'm the scaredy cat!"

Hotchner was actually concerned for them, "Was that the alarm? Are you guys okay?"

Amelia couldn't stop laughing at Derek's frightened face, "'What's the worst thing that could happen?" She mocked Derek, "I told you elevators were scary!"

Spencer creeped out of the lift, "I'll get back to you on that."

Amelia was actually concerned for him and took a small step closer to him, "You want my cup of coffee when we get back to the car?"

Spencer nodded, happily.

Hotchner raised his eyebrows and walked away from them.

Derek sighed, whether that be from Amelia offering Spencer more coffee or because he finally felt his feet on the ground, "Stop babying him and offering him coffee. Be concerned for me as well!"

Spencer slowly followed after Hotchner, while Amelia and Derek hung back.

"You're a big, strong, man, you can take care of yourself." Amelia told him.

"And Reid isn't?" He questioned with an eyebrow raised, teasingly.

"Don't make me answer that."

✺

The victim in case, Jenny Wittman, had a sketchy landlord, a very lived in apartment, an empty answering machine and a shower that was never used, alongside never using the elevator (which Derek didn't disagree with) the BAU team that had visited the apartment learnt a lot of things.

Jenny was afraid of tight spaces.

The Unsub preyed on people new to the city, who have no social ties.

Jenny was an easy target.

Afraid of small spaces.

Derek was speaking about the trail used as the unsub's person graveyard but Amelia couldn't help but focus on Jenny's greatest fear, small spaces.

A detail so intimate, so personal. A greatest fear isn't just something you share with anyone, it's something you open up about in time.

Jenny Whitman was asphyxiated.

So, why did Amelia keep coming back to that point?

They delivered a profile of a man who desires control, who is obsessed with it. A man who's victim pool makes sense to him but not to any regular onlooker. A married man, killing, with a lack of power from his everyday life.

Even so, he would take his own life if he was caught.

JJ was going to hold a press conference but Amelia remained at the board that had all the victim's pictures stuck to it.

Hotchner was watching her from afar, he knew JJ could handle the press conference and he deemed it more important that he began studying his latest agent's body language so that he could tell what was going on with Amelia.

For even a profilier of his level, it was proving to be difficult. Any other day, Amelia seemed like an open book but the one day Hotchner wants to profile her, he can't.

She seemed to have steel walls built around her today, he wasn't surprised by any means.

No doubt she was afraid that anyone who knocked down her walls would leave like Gideon, or maybe suffer a tragic end like Clara.

Yes, Aaron had found the time - it had been his top priority - to dig into Amelia's history and her time in negotiations. If possible, his frown had deepened when he saw the details of Clara's first and last negotiation and the events that followed. It was safe to say that if he and Amelia's ex-unit chief ever crossed paths there would be some unpleasant words exchanged.

Hotchner didn't know if that was his turn around in opinion of Amelia or that she settled in so well into the BAU and he had been nothing short of heartless to her. He'd taken his bad days out on her when Amelia was not deserving of that.

Aaron Hotchner was going to make up for it.

(He wouldn't be smiling, though, that was a step too far)

"It's fears."

The unit chief looked around the room, unsure if she was speaking to him - he was the only person in the room.

Amelia turned around from the board, "I don't know how he finds them but he knows them, that's why there's no defensive wounds, he promises them that they'll get over their fears, which is why they put themselves into the dangerous situations and then he'll watch them die."

As she said it out loud the situation became far more morbid.

Even if Amelia had seen many horrors, sometimes what the unsubs did never failed to horrify her.

Hotchner stared at her.

Amelia thinks he's staring at her, she can't quite tell between his different expressions yet, for all she knew he could be smiling - but, that seemed highly unlikely considering this was Aaron Hotchner (aka man who never smiles)

"How did you find that out?" She didn't sense doubt, Amelia sensed interest into her theory.

"It's a theory...really."

A frown pulled at his lips as he strode across the room to rest his weight against a table and be opposite her, she had been so confident in the beginning and so soon after she had reverted into someone who believed she'd be doubted, or undermined.

"I'm listening."

She looked as though she was about to argue but one look from Hotchner permitted that.

"No-one understands why this guys victims have a suffered, brutal, tragic and different deaths and that's because they all feared different ways of dying." She pointed at Jenny, "She was scared of small spaces, the unsub promised to alleviate this fear, so he puts her in a dark space but Jenny can't overcome it so he lets her die."

"Because in his mind, she's not strong enough to fight it." Amelia frowned, "He would've been abused in his childhood, made to think that if you can't overcome something yourself then you aren't worth it."

If you can't overcome it yourself, you aren't worth it. Amelia couldn't believe those words had fallen from her own lips when she knew exactly what it felt like to be left to your own devices, fight your fears and emotions all by yourself when you're just a child.

Was Amelia worth it when she couldn't even overcome her own fears, emotions and worried and instead pushed them aside?

"Just like we said in the profile." Hotchner nodded his head, "I'll tell the rest of the team and they'll man the phones, I need you to think what kind of job he'd have to be able to work these scenarios."

Amelia looked hesitant, and she knew she shouldn't have because to work this job she had to believe in herself and all the other elements she worked along side but being given a job to do by herself, ordered by Hotchner, didn't seem quite right and she was just waiting for the penny to drop and him to say who she'd be working with.

But, it never came.

And that confused Amelia even more as he made his way out of their room that was set up for them.

While Amelia's world had been falling apart at the seams and a number for Washington would not stop calling, it seemed Aaron Hotchner had completely lost his mind.

She'd have to suggest a psych eval for when she got back.

(And avoid the fact she probably needed one herself)

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
five chapters in and i demand progress because i cannot go on any longer like this