It's only five minutes after Jenna's departure that I regret telling her to go. Maybe I should have asked her to stay until Vic got here.

I've always hated being alone but Carter has created this fear inside me every time I'm left by myself.

He's truly broken me in every way.

When there finally is a knock on the door, I freeze and my breath gets caught in my throat.

There's another knock but I just stare at the door, unable to move or speak.

"Kellin!" Vic calls.

I jump to my feet, admittedly a little excited, but mostly relieved.

I hurry to the door and unlock it then swing it open.

I lose the ability to breathe once again when I see Vic standing before me in a white shirt and a suit jacket. Fuck, can he get any hotter?

"Hey," he beams charmingly.

"Hi," I blush, suddenly becoming aware that I'm staring.

"You look great." he murmurs, looking me up and down.

"So do you." I mumble.

There's a short silence as we just kind of stare at each other in wonder.

"Well we should get going!" he chirps, turning around and heading down the lawn.

I lock the door behind me and then follow.

My eyes go wide as they land on the limousine parked on the curb.

"You hired a limo?" I grin.

"Yeah, little throwback to prom." he chuckles.

I let out a dreamy sigh as I think back to that day. It was so long ago but I could live in that moment forever. It was the closest to romantic Vic and I have ever been.

Vic grins as he opens the limo door for me. I giggle as I climb in. I take a seat and Vic sits next to me, then the limo takes off.

"So what is Carter doing tonight?" I ask, anxious that he's going to make an appearance.

"He's just going to have a night in. He doesn't care for the whole bachelor party thing." Vic shrugs.

I'm both grateful and a little saddened.

"Are you going to turn into some boring housewife after you marry him?" I mumble.

I try to say it lightheartedly but it comes off as disappointed.

"I might settle down a bit, but isn't that the point of getting married." he chuckles, he too sounding a little sad.

I just shrug and look away.

"I just don't want things to change." I admit.

"Things have already changed, haven't they? I mean, just because your life is in this whirlwind at the moment, doesn't mean you should be scared for things to change. Change isn't always bad."

He sounds a little bitter towards me and I guess I can understand why. I've changed so much over these past few months, especially towards Vic, but now I'm getting upset with him because he's getting married? It's not fair. This might not be a good thing for me, but for Vic, this is his wedding day. It's something he's been dreaming about for a long time.

"No you're right. Change is necessary." I nod.

He sighs and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

"But it things don't have to change between us. They can go back to the way they were, how it used to be." he murmurs.

But the thought makes me sick. Because maybe I loved Vic more when my head wasn't so clouded with self destruction. He used to be the only thing that clouded my head and it was overwhelming. Now I don't have as much time to obsess over him. Maybe it's better this way. The more toxic my life is, the more I feel I can move on from Vic.

And with that thought, I desperately want a drink.

The car remains silent as it comes to a stop. Shortly after, Tony and Mike are climbing in.

"Hey Kells, didn't think you were coming." Mike chirps.

"Had nothing better to do." I shrug.

Mike gives me a smile and a nod.

I can't help but to feel like I'm a brother to Mike. I guess I've always been close with Vic's family though. I even lived at their house for a few months when my parents lost custody of me for a domestic violence incident between them.

It's part of the reason I can't move on from Vic. I don't just love him, I love his family. I always dreamed of marrying into it one day, but I guess that dream is dead. Carter gets to do that now, not me.

Mike, Tony and Vic spend the rest of the drive talking loudly and laughing while I just sit on the sidelines and watch. I always feel like I'm on the sidelines and I usually don't mind. I like watching everyone interact.

But today there's a sinking feeling. It seems like everyone's happy without me. Like it wouldn't matter if I was here or not.

We soon arrive at the club and the atmosphere is immediately exhilarating. I've never been to a club like this. I've never felt the need.

A man, in nothing but a pair of sparkly pink hot pants, leads us to a circular booth right near a stage where a quite attractive man is grinding against a pole.

"You like what you see?" Vic grins cheekily, nudging my side.

I blush and tear my eyes away from the exotic dancer.

We all take a seat and the guy in the pink hot pants takes everyone's drink orders. Vic and I get water while Tony and Mike order some tequila shots.

"You're not drinking?" I frown at Vic.

"No, I have last minute wedding stuff to do tomorrow. Can't have a hangover." he shrugs.

I just nod then absentmindedly turn my attention back to the attractive man on the stage. He looks back at me and I blush, turning away from him.

"I can't believe you booked this place." Vic laughs to Mike.

"I thought you might as well have a lesson on the male anatomy before the wedding night so you don't get scared." Mike snorts.

I'm immediately uncomfortable by the comment. I haven't even really thought about that. Vic's going to lose his virginity to Carter. Which is ironic, because I lost my virginity to Carter. I begin to wonder just how many v-cards Carter has taken. Then I wonder how many people Carter has raped. Then it has me thinking about what Jenna said. How many people are going to be after me? Will Vic be one?

The thoughts are overwhelming so I locate a bathroom and stand up.

Vic grabs my hand which makes my stomach leap.

"Where're you going?" he asks worried.

"Bathroom." I tell him.

I notice him glance towards the bar and I roll my eyes.

"I'm not going to drink. Twelve days sober." I remind him.

He smiles apologetically and nods, dropping my hand.

I leave the booth and head to the bathroom, passing the bar on the way, I slow down and glance back at Vic. He's watching me which infuriates me. How can he not trust me? What's the point in being sober when no one believes I can stay sober.

I give Vic a condescending thumbs up and he quickly looks away. I go into the bathroom and to the mirror. I turn the faucet on and cup some water in my hands before splashing it on my face.

I mean, what's so bad about me drinking? Everyone else can drink. I'm at a fucking club. I should be drinking. I should be celebrating like everyone else. And fuck, I need something to make me stop thinking about Carter.

That's it. Fuck it. I'm drinking.

Just as I'm leaving the bathroom, my text tone goes off. I pull out my phone and am unsurprised to see that it's a text from Carter.

Unknown: you home tonight?

I text him back, feeling relieved.

K: out with Vic.

I then stuff my phone back in my pocket.

I look up and notice Vic is engaged in conversation with Tony so I dart to the bar. The bartender is giving me flirty eyes as he asks me what I want.

"Five shots of vodka." I tell him.

"Do you want it delivered to your table?" he asks glancing over at the table.

I do the same to make sure I'm not being watched. Vic is still talking to Tony but Mike is looking at me.

"No just put it on a tray and slide it over." I tell him.

He gives me a confused look but lines up the glasses and starts filling them.

I slap a fifty down on the counter and take the tray before sitting down on the floor so Vic can't see me.

I take the shots one by one and down them all. The vodka stings my throat and I need a chaser but getting this done quick is more important.

When I'm finished, I slide the tray back onto the counter then stand up. I hurry back to the booth and slide right back in next to Vic. He's still deep in conversation with Tony. They seem to be talking about the wedding. I'm guessing Tony is his best man.

Mike gets up and sits next to me.

"You supposed to be drinking?" he murmurs.

He sounds genuinely confused.

"I'm okay." I smile, hoping he'll just drop the subject.

He nods and moves back to his seat, wrapping his arm around Tony.

Suddenly the dancer on the stage closest to us is talking into a microphone.

"We have a bachelor party here tonight."

I look to the stage and see the guy looking at our table.

"Who's the groom?" he asks.

Vic's blushing furiously as Tony and Mike nudge him.

The dancer jumps off stage and comes over to our circle. He holds his hand out for Vic and I can't help but to stare at his handsome figure.

"Celebrate your last moments of freedom with a dance with me." the guy grins into the mic.

Vic turns down the offer, making it pretty clear he doesn't want to dance with the attractive stripper.

Much to my delight, the guy turns to me, still holding out his hand.

"What about you, Cutie? You gonna dance with me?"

I can't resist his charming smile so I take the dancer's hand and he whisks me away, pulling me on stage as the whole club seems to cheer. It's not until I'm on my feet that I notice how drunk I am. But the exhilaration I feel being on stage and pushed against a pole by a man in nothing but a jockstrap is enough to distract me from my drunkiness.

I don't do much dancing and honestly neither does he as he basically just grinds against me. I'm grinning like an idiot as I stare at him.

"Twenty dollars for a blow job." he murmurs in my ear.

I don't want a blowjob, even having him grinding against me isn't turning me on. In actuality, I'm attracted to the excitement of all this.

"How much for a kiss?" I murmur back, staring at his full lips.

"Oh hun, you can have that for free." he chuckles then presses his lips to mine. He pushes his tongue in my mouth and grabs a fistfull of my hair.

I don't like the kiss, I don't know why I asked for one but it's only a kiss so I go along with it anyway.

The song soon finishes and he steps away from me. I suddenly decide I need another drink.

"Buy me a drink, meet me in the bathroom." I whisper in his ear.

He smirks and pinches my ass before I climb off the stage. I find Vic waiting for me. He doesnt look impressed.

"What are you doing? You're being reckless." he hisses.

"I'm having fun!" I exclaim rolling my eyes.

"You just kissed a stranger! A stripper! You don't know where his mouth has been!" Vic exclaims.

"That sounds like my problem, not yours!" I shout back.

He looks at me confused then his eyes go wide.

"You're drunk!" he screeches.

"No I'm not, fuck you." I mutter.

He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Let me take you home." he says softly.

"No, god, just let me have fun!" I whine.

"You know what, Kells? If you want to fuck things up for yourself, be my guest. I'm done with trying to help you. You don't want to be helped." he snaps.

"Good! I never fucking asked for your help!" I yell storming away.

I head for the bathroom, still pissed off but as soon as I open the door and am met with a hot boy holding a tray of shots, my anger is forgotten.

"The bartender told me you like vodka." he chuckles.

I ignore him and take the tray, downing a shot of vodka, one after the other, only saving one for him.

"I am impressed." he laughs as he drinks the last shot then places the tray on the basin.

"I am impressive." I grin.

He chuckles and takes my waist, pressing me again a wall. I'm confused for a second. I just came in here to get my drinks.

He pushes his lips against mine and my drunken state won't let me think fast enough. He grabs my thighs, lifting my legs off the ground and wrapping them around his waist. I can immediately feel him hard against me.

This man is attractive but I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want him touching me. I don't even know his name.

"What's your name?" I breathe, turning my face away from him, which forces him to stop kissing me.

"Jonah," he mumbles, moving his lips to my neck.

He doesn't ask my name, instead he slides his hands up my shirt but it's only to get to the button of my jeans.

"Jonah," I whimper, getting a little panicky.

I don't think he hears the panic in my voice because he doesn't stop dry humping me.

I look up at the ceiling, trying to make sense of what's happening but the alcohol is making everything spin. Tears are flooding my eyes because I don't want this to happen but I don't know how to stop it.

"Jonah," I whimper again.

This time he stops. He takes my chin and tilts my head down so I'm looking at him.

"Hun, you're crying. You want me to stop?" he asks.

I nod, sniffling.

He pulls my shirt down and gently places me on the floor.

"Why didn't you just say something?" he asks softly.

I shrug and slide down the wall. He crouches down next to me and tilts up my chin again. His eyes are caring and soft which is sweet considering he's a complete stranger to me.

"You've had a lot to drink, haven't you?" he questions and I just nod.

"Okay," he whispers, kissing my forehead softly. "Wait right here. I'm going to get the groom."

I just nod and watch him leave the bathroom.

I'm relieved and grateful that he stopped. I guess I didn't say something because I wasn't expecting him to listen to me. Carter never took no for an answer.

Soon enough, Vic is bursting through the door, looking worried, a bottle of water in his hand.

"Kell, hey," he gasps, practically sliding down on the floor towards me. "Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

I smile and shake my head, wiping my wet face.

"No, he was sweet." I whisper.

"Are you okay?" he asks again.

"Yeah, I just got scared. But I'm okay." I smile, leaning into Vic who wraps his arms around me.

He seems relieved as he let's out a little sigh.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. I don't know what I was thinking bringing you here. Surrounded by alcohol, of course you were going to drink. I broke your sobriety, I'm sorry." he sighs, seeming ashamed.

"No, Vic, it's not your fault." I frown. "I'll just try again tomorrow."

He smiles at that and kisses the top of my head.

"I don't feel in control." I whisper.

"Hmm?" Vic says confused.

"When I drink. I don't feel in control." I clarify. "I hate it."

I feel reckless and that's not me. I'm the stay-home-and-watch-romantic-comedies kinda guy. Not the dry-hump-a-stripper-in-the-bathroom guy.

I really want to stop drinking, but my desire to be numb trumps that.

"Drink this." Vic murmurs, handing me the bottle of water.

I unscrew the cap and do as I'm told.

Vic takes my hand and places it palm up on his knee. I'm confused as he starts undoing the buttons on my sleeve until the scarring cuts on my wrist are revealed.

I put the water bottle down and look to Vic who has tears glistening in his eyes.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, ashamed that I had broken my promise.

Vic doesn't say anything. Instead, he brings my wrist to his lips and kisses the cuts.

"There,"  he smiles. "all better."

I choke out a sob and nuzzle my face into his hair.

"It's going to be okay, Kells." he whispers.

But the thing is, I don't think it will be.

"I should go home." I whisper. "I'm sorry I ruined your night."

"You didn't ruin my night. You could never ruin my night. I think I'm all partied out anyway." he smiles.

I want to tell him to stay and have fun but I'm not in the mood for arguing.

And I kind of want to go home and cuddle Vic. I wonder if I ask nicely, he'll stay the night.

Vic stands up then helps me off the floor. I'm very wobbly due to the countless shots I've done tonight.

I feel instantly queasy and I feel chunks rise in my throat so I push myself out of Vic's grip and rush to a toilet stall.

I start throwing up in the toilet and soon feel Vic pulling back my hair. I remember doing the same for him during his first hangover. We really have been through everything together.

I kind of wish I had Vic to support me through my current struggles but that's not an option.

"Let's get you home to bed. I think you're all partied out too." Vic murmurs.

"Tuck me in and kiss me goodnight." I mumble, still hanging my head into the towel bowl, too tired to get up.

Vic chuckles and kisses my shoulder affectionately.

"You're too cute. Come on."

He gently lifts me up and puts my arm around his neck then he helps me out of the bathroom.

We go back to our table where Mike and Tony seem drunk, but not as drunk as I am.

"Oh, Kells, are you okay?" Mike coos.

I just nod, grinning at him. Everyone's being really sweet to me tonight.

"I'll help." he chirps, pulling me from Vic's arms and picking me up.

I shriek with laughter as I wrap my arms around his neck.

"Mike, put him down." Vic sighs.

"No," I whine. "This is fun."

Vic gives me an adoring smile and a surrendering nod then he looks at Mike with warning.

"Don't you dare drop him."

"I won't." Mike says confidently.

Suddenly, Jonah approaches us.

"Hey Cutie, how are you feeling?" he asks me, giving me a handsome smile.

"Better." I chirp.

"That's good. I just wanted to let you guys know your drinks are on the house tonight." he says then walks away.

Vic looks to me skeptically.

"Are you sure he didn't hurt you?" he questions and I giggle.

"No, Vic, he's really sweet. I promise."

Vic gives me a nod then we head out the club. Mike walks considerably faster than Tony and Vic, causing us to be quite far away from then.

"So, why is an asshole marrying my brother and not you?" he asks.

He's drunk but I can tell he's serious about the question.

"Vic doesn't want to marry me." I sigh.

"Are you sure? The way he looks at Carter and the way he looks at you are completely different. The way he looks at Carter is the same way I look at Jenna." he says.

"How do you look at Jenna?" I ask confused.

"I look at Jenna in a way that says 'I like her, she's a cool chic'." he explains. "Whereas Vic looks at you the way I look at Tony."

"How do you look at Tony?"

"Like I want to spend the rest of my life with him."

I think about what he says but he must be wrong. Vic looks at me the way he has always looked at me. Like I'm his best friend.

"Don't you become a happier, better person when you meet the love of your life? Vic didn't change at all when he met Carter. If anything he's a lot more stressed out. I haven't seen Vic change for the better since he met you." Mike sighs. "Carter isn't good for Vic."

"Why?" I ask worried. I don't want Vic marrying someone that isn't going to make him happy.

"He's a manipulative, controlling asshole. Every time I see Vic, he's rushing to get back to Carter because Carter calls on him for something every five minutes." Mike gruntles.

"Mike, I can hear you." Vic calls from behind us.

"I stand by what I said. He's an asshole." Mike calls back to Vic.

"Carter does like control." I say quietly, playing with the buttons on my sleeve.

The conversation ends as we get into the limo. Mike places me down and Vic sits next to me while Tony plants himself in Mike's lap. Then as the car takes off, they start making out.

I can't help but to feel jealous as I watch them. I've never had that steamy make out session that is somehow still romantic and loving. The closest I've gotten to that is being dry humped in a bathroom drunk by a complete stranger, who was probably going to charge me if we went any further.

I want a relationship and I want to do relationship things. But I couldn't imagine doing any of those things with someone other than Vic.

Eventually we arrive at Mike and Tony's house. They say their goodbyes then get out, leaving Vic and I alone.

Vic immediately pulls me closer to him which makes me immediately nervous. I'm always nervous around Vic but tonight especially. I'm drunk and not in complete control. I'm worried about what I could say or do.

"Why won't you be my best man?" Vic sighs after a few minutes of silence.

The silence that follows that is intense.

I don't answer because I'm afraid I'll tell the truth.

"Is it me? Is it something I did?" he frowns worried making me feel guilty.

"No, Vic, it's not you." I say quietly.

"Then what is it, Kells?" Vic suddenly snaps. "I've been so fucking lenient with you lately because obviously you're going through something, but this is just fucking neglecting our friendship! This is my wedding, this is an important part in my life. Can't you just push through whatever you're going through for one fucking day?"

I'm upset by Vic yelling at me so I don't think before I speak.

"You want to know what it is? It's who you're marrying!" I yell.

Vic looks confused and angry.

"You won't be my best man because you don't like Carter? That's such a bullshit excuse! This is about me! Put aside whatever ridiculous feelings you have towards Carter for me!" Vic exclaims. "And you know what? You don't get to have an opinion on Carter. You haven't spent any time with him. You don't know him!

"I know him a lot better than you do! You've known him for five fucking minutes and now you're marrying him? And how dare you put your stupid fucking marriage before me! You have no idea what I'm going through!" I scream, tears falling down my face.

At that moment, the car stops at my house but I don't move.

"There you go again, making everything about you! This is about me!" he yells.

"You're supposed to be my friend." I sob.

"And you're supposed to be mine!" he shouts back.

Then we're left in another intense silence.

"If you don't want to be a part of my wedding, then don't come." he mutters quietly.

"Good. I don't want to go anyway." I huff like a child.

Vic's angry demeanour disappears and he becomes saddened.

"I miss the old you." he whispers.

"You talk like I'm the one who changed." I hiss.

"Why can't you just be happy for me?" Vic sniffs.

"Because I hate you!" I cry.

And it's true. I hate him for not loving me. I hate him for loving someone else. I hate him for marrying my rapist.

"You don't mean that. You're drunk." Vic chokes out.

"I do! I hate you and your stupid fiance. And I hate being alive. I don't want to fucking live anymore." I sob, becoming borderline hysterical.

"You don't mean that." Vic whimpers.

I get up and pull open the car door before stepping out. I turn back to Vic who's just crying and the sight breaks my heart which just makes me hate him anymore.

I hate him because I love him.

"Have a good life, Vic." I sniff, deciding I've had enough. Then I slam the door shut and march up to the house.

I wait there for a minute, waiting for Vic to get out of the car, run up to the door and kiss me. I want him to tell me he's loved me all along and that he couldn't bear the thought of his life without me.

But he doesn't. Instead, I hear the car drive away.

In all my tears and my intoxicated state, I go inside and head upstairs to my room. I sift through my drawers, vision blurry from the tears, until I find what I'm looking for.

I take out a sheet of Rohypnol and pop a little green pill into my hand, but then stop. I was just planning to take one and pass out for the night, but I meant what I said earlier, I don't want to live anymore.

Deciding I've got nothing to lose, I begin popping all the pills.

It'll be better this way. I won't have to feel so shitty anymore and Vic won't have to worry about me, not that he cares about me anyway.

I scoop all the pills into my palm and spill a few into my mouth, swallowing them. I do that continuously until there's no more pills and I'm not feeling well enough to stand up anymore.

I have a moment of clarity as realize I'm going to die. I mean, that was the plan, wasn't it? Yet I can't help but to feel regret take over as I think about what I last said to Vic.

I told him I hated him. I don't want to die with him thinking I hate him.

So I take my phone out and rush to text him but my eyes are barely staying open and I can't seem to be able to type out a coherent message.

I can't die. Not like this. He has to know I love him. He can't go the rest of his life not knowing that I love him with my entire being.

So I do the logical thing and call 911. I only just manage to spit out my address and the words "I don't want to die" to the operator before I pass out.